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Jules and medication

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Jules and medication

Postby Floralie » Fri Nov 29, 2019 7:03 pm

We have strong benzodiazepines in use when needed to treat anxiety. To me they've always been Jules' meds, and I don't know for how long in years, but like forever, whenever I've taken any sedatives for anxiety that type, they've not been for me, but for him. Some years ago I would've said I imagine being him when I take them, now I say I called to our pdoc to have some more now that Jules is close again, and for example yesterday when I took them, Jules came co-con immediately. They taste really bad, and I didn't have water to help them go down right there, so I think it was the taste of them that called him out. It can be it was him who wanted more because we were off and why I called to pdoc in the first place, I can't tell.

From his point of view that's totally understandable, he holds our big anxiety and is always at least some what anxious. He wasn't for awhile when he was 11 but I think he's back being older now, he feels like he used to before and therefor is again with more problems. So when he knows anxiety will ease, it's understandable to come and get it for him, who most needs it. But there's more to it and it goes way back in time, before I knew he was real.

The reality is I've also taught him to be that way. I kind of "reward" him with medication, not the way it can sound tho, not to treat good behavior. It's just my way of comforting him, something I can do, and he takes it that way too, feels he's taken care of when he's medicated. I think it represents to him things like it's been taken seriously he feels bad, and someone cares, because that's the way they've been given to him. I've given them to him to care. But they're not meds to ever use in medication of an underage, and actually in public side of healthcare these ones are not used at all because they're so highly addictive. They start easing the anxiety very quickly, what makes them very effective, but they also wear off as quickly, and when that happens there's a side effect that's anxiety, many times even worse than the one that was originally treated. That's when you think you need another one, if you don't know it's a side effect. And then another one. And your body gets used to them very rapidly too, and you need to take more for them to work. In a way they feed anxiety and make it ever ending circle. We'we been in that circle few times and it's awful, the side effect anxiety is big one. But we'we learned to count the hours now to know when it's that and tell the difference, and kind of don't believe in it when it comes. Maybe that dissociation to be able to anxious and not count is as a feeling, I don't know. However, I understand why these are bad pills, but I think we kind of use them right way from a doctor point of view. From my point of view realizing now I'm giving them to underage boy to show I care, it's far from ideal situation.

They have been effective to what we needed them originally for, we needed that rapid effect and there was no worries to take another one because originally they were for mornings when we were too anxious to leave the house to go to work. But at work it's a different part in control, and that part is not anxious or have side effects, and evenings at home we were fine. Now we don't try to work full time and the mornings with throwing up because of anxiety are gone, but we still have the same meds. They seem to be only ones from that group that suit for us. Mild ones don't have any effect at all, and some of them have reversed effect, instead of helping the anxiety they make it worse. That's why we still use them when needed, although the reason for when needed has changed.

But still, they are not the right way to show I care and I know he has unhealthy way of thinking them because of how I've taught him to think and see them as a sign of caring and comfort we both understand. He genuinely needs them too, and there's a feeling of safety when we know we have them. I've not thought it before, but it can even be that he goes further away when we do not have them.

I'd wanna undo the damage I've done to his mind when I've linked wrong things together that are harmful ways to think. But I've no clue how to do it.

About meds in general I'm fine with these pills. We've learned our lesson to not use them wrong way, because it makes things worse, but when used right ways they're effective. I'm hoping we could get rid of all long term meds, there's another benzodiazepine in there too, or like a "relative" to them, but I'm fine if we have something in case it's needed. Probably because it creates that feeling of safety. But I try to turn the safety inside out, that we can bear more anxiety, because we know we can make it stop if it gets too bad. Not that we take the pill every time when feeling bad to avoid feelings.

Jules has never come out and taken meds without my control. It's like I give them to him, or before he knew there was outside we pictured that happening inside in his world. But it's always been adults who give the meds, inside he doesn't even have access to them by himself. Outside he has not taken them if and when he's been out alone, I don't know if he's ever realized he could cause inside he doesn't have access. Therefor it's not an addiction problem, it's been just my bad adulting, cause I didn't realize he is realand because my understanding of how comfort looks like is also a pill.(Except for the 2 times Sami came and hugged me and I actually felt cared for, but this has been inside a month or so, very new.)

There are very disturbed ways to think what is comforting in Jules' system, this is not the worst one at all. It's still one among others and non of them have anything to do with what comfort should look like. How can you change someone's thinking, when at the same time he does need medication to help him and it's not a thing for him to feel guilty either?
Floralie F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) defender (trauma)
Lucas M 16 (19) bridge-builder, self care (trauma)
Leon M 4 (trauma?)
Ferro M 14/24 protector (trauma)
Rami M 25 inner protector/caretaker manager
Anastasia F 26 inner caretaker, female sexuality
Jules M 11 main trauma holder with DID
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Re: Jules and medication

Postby Rive » Sun Dec 01, 2019 3:11 am

If you want off your benzos there is a med that is like a benadryl. It helps with anxiety and non addictive. I know from experience that benzos can be addictive. I used to skip them for three days then take the three doses at once. I only did that a handful of times. I was so glad to get off my benzos. You do know that you can only take them here or there and quit them and be fine? The only thing is if you take them everyday then suddenly stop you can have a seizure. It doesn't sound like your doing that at all. Just a safety tip in case you didn't know.
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Re: Jules and medication

Postby Floralie » Mon Dec 02, 2019 9:39 pm

We as a system take them only here and there, we take them when we're too anxious. That too anxious is mostly Jules, so he takes them a lot. He just isn't out all the time, that's why our body is not used to them too much. The problem was about Jules, not me. I'm the cause of it, because there was a time when I didn't know better, but it's him who needs fixing, and I need advice how to fix what I caused.

The problem is not meds themselves, he needs them and they help him. That's not the problem, they help him to calm down enough for him to be able to do things, like draw or read a book, things he can't do without medication, because he's feeling too bad. As long as he needs them like that, it is fine he has them, my goal is not to leave him suffering.

The problem is viewing that as care and comfort. You can cause eating disorders to a child if you give them something sweet every time they're upset, they learn to calm down by eating, and do not learn how to be comforted and cared for, other than be fed. Same way giving a pill as a sign of caring is a problem with an underage boy. His comfort should not be a pill, not even when he still uses those meds, the comfort and care should be something else and medication thing he needs too to help him, but that we hope to get rid of one day, when he gets help to his problems and doesn't feel that bad anymore, or at least not so often.

In best case scenario he one day will not be that anxious anymore. He won't have his medication then, because there's no need for it. Is he gonna feel he's not cared anymore because of that then? Does he still want to keep on using medication just to feel cared for and feel he's been taken seriously, because those things are linked together in his mind? That's the problem. I don't want it to be same thing to him to be cared and to be medicated, because then not getting medication will make him feel abandoned or ignored. And I'm not up to waiting till that happens before fixing it and trying to undo the conditioning I've done to him over the years, when he learned that an adult who medicates him is an adult who cares about him. And like I said, he has worse views on who are adults who care, or adults who are safe, that's not the most harmful one, but it's the one I caused and feel responsible of.

We have had dozens of different medications over the years to help with insomnia and anxiety. Now we've found the ones that actually help, and I'm not up to changing this one to something that very likely is not going to work. And changing the pill would not make any difference to the emotional response Jules have for being medicated.
Floralie F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) defender (trauma)
Lucas M 16 (19) bridge-builder, self care (trauma)
Leon M 4 (trauma?)
Ferro M 14/24 protector (trauma)
Rami M 25 inner protector/caretaker manager
Anastasia F 26 inner caretaker, female sexuality
Jules M 11 main trauma holder with DID
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Floralie
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Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 9:13 am
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