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Thriving not Surviving

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Thriving not Surviving

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Nov 26, 2019 11:10 pm

This may be long.

"Me now" is the "real" me. I don't know how else to say it. I feel like I've been through a washing machine and a tumble drier and ironed and I'm basically back to myself.

Around three years ago when I met the bf I had got complacent. Life was good. I was literally just having a good time. Work was good, kids were good, boundaries with my outside my house blood relatives that brought me into the world were good, I was enjoying myself fully. My life was full but I got complacent, I got soft.

I thought "I want a relationship. Somebody to share my life with" This opened up a Pandora's box I didn't think I'd open. Hurricanes, wars and rollercoasters later I'm back to what is known as "my usual self"

Others were having a conversation in my head just now. I was thinking about "what I saw in the bf" and it was simple - good in bed. One of them started to say "but what about that we could talk to him, you could talk to him" "what about knowing about alters" I said "I don't care about that" and one of them said "she literally doesn't" and then someone else said "who thought she would care about that" and then they went off to all work something out.

The way I see it, in my experience, a person doesn't go through the things I went through and be any type of weak. There is not time, there is not space, there is not any opportunity to have or show any weakness.

And when you get fu##ed, if you don't get back up biting and spitting and planning then they have beat you. They haven't beaten me yet. And they will not.

I will live a happy life. If I have to draw my own blood and sacrifice healing of myself to do it. The best revenge is a life well lived. And I will live it well. And by that I mean I am going to enjoy myself.

The bf kept throwing my past in my face. I have a right to live without someone throwing my past abuse in my face.

My younger children are possibly, likely, the only people in my mother's family to live without SA. That is what's important to me, they are the future, I am the past.

Yes it was all horrendous and terrible. Yes I'm going to persue diagnosis by the current psychiatrist and therapy. But that is a side part of my life. It's not all my life. Life is out there to be lived and it's not going to wait around. So I don't have time to be around someone who's going on and on about my abuse. I don't have time or space or opportunity to dwell on this any longer or more than necessary - is that because that's how I lived when abused? No. It's because that's what I am choosing to do now. Now it's a choice what I give time and space and opportunity to and those sick b@stard# don't get much of it.

Yes, I may just be another alter or I may be a combination of a few or I may be the oldest alter or whatever the latest theories on this are - until there's more brainscan evidence I'm taking it all as theory. But this ship is going to shape back up to what's important - now is important. Yesterday is depression, tomorrow is anxiety and neither exist so now is what matters. If I get to court or some other justice then so be it but I'm not running myself ragged to get there or running myself ragged to get healed. Imma live my life.

Peace Out
Monte Carlo or Bust
Rose and Patrick
Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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