Wanting everything to go away and then a phone call

Was just thinking how this is like walking a long drudgy journey. A long drudgy journey of accepting DID, which I'm not letting myself slip into denial at all, a long drudgy journey of accepting my past that I still have moments of self doubt and denial over - looking for other explanations of DID. And I want it all to go away.

Wanting the DID to go away, my past to go away and my parents to go away right now.

And then what happens just as I'm wishing it all to go away but drudging on with "I have to accept this" my step mother calls. She calls to ask why the police have called my father in on Friday because she thought I was dropping it. It was an answer machine message, I didn't hear her actual call, I would of hung up on her before she could say anything anyway.

I have no idea why the police are calling him in. I didn't know anything about it. The last I heard they weren't interested and thought I might have dreamt it all so it's news to me. I don't feel anything about it really. It's too much to hope he'd just confess. When I confronted him before I went to hospital he looked like he was considering killing me so confess is about the last thing he'd do. I was really frightened. After I confronted him and the adrenaline of that wore off I panicked (because I did think he was considering killing me) and ran. I got into a cab, told the cab driver loads of things - I can't remember the details of what I said - but my father follows the cab, was trying to get the cab to get me into his car. The cab driver kept him talking by his car while I ran into the house and called the police. Then I lost it, couldn't talk or wouldn't I'm not sure, there was an alter who only communicates in colour though I've met her since so I think alot of the not talking was to do with her. Then a few weeks after hospital I went to see a policeman but it was just a pre-interview interview and he said to the bf, because the bf called to ask what was happening, that he wasn't continuing because I probably dreamt the whole thing. So I've just been living with that as an end result and trying to take closure from the fact that I now know why I'm disordered or at least working on not slipping back into any denials.

Not really question. Just feeling emotional, sad and frightened I think but I'm not 100% sure. It might be shock because I wasn't expecting it and I don't like phone calls relating to the parents at all anyway. I have been talking to the childrens social worker when I see her on my own. I talk openly with her but I don't think I said anything she would report that'd prompt police interviewing. I dunno I'm just cryie right now.

Feeling really low and self harmy. I don't self harm, I see flashing images of me self harming. I self harmed once at age 15/16 but I was told "wtf have you done. People will think you're crazy" I didn't realize it wasn't "normal" to self harm, I just did it because it made me feel temporarily better but since being told it was "crazy" I don't do it and now it's like some kind of fragment that just appears when mood is really low and its low because of my childhood somehow.

Like now it's because of the call from my step mother that triggered it. For some reason my father being interviewed by the police is triggering the self harming flashing images. Which must be a fragment, I thought it was Beth who had these images but I know I'm not Beth. I couldn't tell you "who I am" but I'm not Beth and I'm having the images so it must be a seperate fragment.

Also the last time Beth was about she was happy. She kept saying "there's nothing for me to do" which usually she just be's miserable, cries and pours over this forum alot reading trying to get all the hurt out crying. But last time she was out she was happy and felt like she had "nothing to do" She felt free. I suppose like all the burden of being sad and depressed wasn't on her any more because most other parts have been sad also since hospital, grieving.

I got triggered by the phone call, I was more plodding along forcing myself to accept everything and the phone call I suppose made it more real or made me realise it's not going away however much I want it to. I don't mean the police side, that will eventually go away, but the knowing side and the having to accept side, that's on going and not going away.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. Sending safe (((hugs)) if thats ok.

Most times when I am in crisis, I try to distract my thoughts, keep breathing and close off the outside until the stillness returns to wash over me.
It was something I learned to dispel panic attacks. Panic had a way of building until my mind went blank and I could no long think. Focus on what is in front of you.
You will get through this. All together or one-by-one.
Best of luck to you.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

Thank you all.

Yesterday I flipped from "I want all this to go away" to "this is how it is and I will live well regardless"

Today I'm down and know I have to live well. Like the two sides of this as a feeling have kind of met in the middle. Not so give up and not so seize the day.

Also I'm kind of wondering what is going on with the police but I'm not calling them. I'll just wait and see what happens, if anything.