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What kind of dissociation is this? *Possible TW*

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What kind of dissociation is this? *Possible TW*

Postby Jake Bedlam » Mon Nov 25, 2019 3:08 pm

Possible Trigger Warning: Nothing intense, but brief explanations of sexuality, emotional trauma, and an angry, violent 'part'.

Hello everyone! It's been quite a while since I've posted here.

I've been doing okay but pretty confused lately. I've been working on accepting all of myself, so there has been a little bit more harmony, but it's still confusing.

I have derealization and/or depersonalization all the time. I, Jake, the original/core/person on paper, am most often present. However, I switch between different personality states where I feel very strongly a certain a way, and even hear myself thinking and saying things that I am not coming up with on my own. They're coming from somewhere 'behind', not in the front, if that makes sense. They may be angry or positive. My limbs twitch/squirm sometimes on their own during exchanges with whomever these feelings and thoughts are coming from.

I have different sexualities. Describing myself as "bisexual" almost doesn't feel accurate, because my sexual orientation changes. When I experience these changes, I cannot identify with anything else. I even have a 'fragment' that is female, and when she is with me, I've always been that way. I have different realities, and severe, pervasive OCD that kills any chance of harmony. For a while now I have been using medical merijuana, and it has had the effect of calming things down enough for communication between states to be a bit easier.

One of them I feel is suppressed sexuality/testosterone. There is suppressed aggression present, and 'he' is so frustrated and enraged at me being a pushover my whole life that he has become extremely hateful and violent. Growing up I always had a big imagination, and would transport myself to other worlds and be with other characters. I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I have Asperger's and it's just always been natural for me. Escaping the real world is something I do often. As a little kid, sometimes I would just shut down in response to overwhleming fear or pain, and it was like somebody had stunned me, because it was suddenly a dream. I stopped being able to tell the difference between reality and dreams for quite a while. Things settled down for a little while in my early teens, but now (maybe because of hormones?) it's pretty intense again.

I did have an imaginary friend ("Clone") who I could see somehow when I was 3 or 4, and he is still around to some degree, though he feels trapped and afraid. He doesn't understand "why" something has happened. I've had PTSD flashbacks with him.

The thing is, I (Jake) am still conscious between states, usually. I have had occasional blackouts, or terrible flashback-type panic attacks as Clone where I cannot identify as Jake whatsoever, or the present point in time. My caregiver will usually help console/ground me. As far as instances of complete amnesia, I don't always realize that I've lost time, I just discover evidence of it. Sometimes it's just an unreasonable chunk of time that just never existed, if that makes sense.

When I'm conscious and someone else is strongly present, it's like I'm just a passenger, or behind a glass wall. The more I can tame my OCD (using coping and medication) so it doesn't interfere and complicate/exacerbate things, and the more I can accept all of myself, the more discovery there has been. But it's still confusing, and to be honest, scary. I feel like what I have is just the tip of the ice berg.

Does anyone here have experience with this? Why do I not always lose time, but remain somewhat present? Any advice would be appreciated. There are very strong disagreements between certain parts, and I'm only looking for peace. That's all I've wanted for a very long time.

EDIT: I would just like to emphasize that each of these states I switch into has its own very real reality. It's genuine, strong feelings, and the thought of my beliefs and opinions even just less than a minute ago might make me recoil.
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Re: What kind of dissociation is this? *Possible TW*

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Nov 25, 2019 4:32 pm

Jake Bedlam wrote:Does anyone here have experience with this? Why do I not always lose time, but remain somewhat present? Any advice would be appreciated. There are very strong disagreements between certain parts, and I'm only looking for peace. That's all I've wanted for a very long time.

EDIT: I would just like to emphasize that each of these states I switch into has its own very real reality. It's genuine, strong feelings, and the thought of my beliefs and opinions even just less than a minute ago might make me recoil.


It's very common to remain present when other parts take over. There's an analogy of a car that's often used. When you're fully in front, you're driving, but another part can give instructions or grab the wheel. Sometimes you're the one in the passenger seat, and can see out, but aren't driving, or you're in the back seat and less connected to where the car is going or what the view out front is, and sometimes you're in the trunk. Sometimes you're napping, and don't have any memory of how the car got from one place to another. Only that last one is equivalent to completely blacking out and losing time.

Everything you described is completely typical for DID. Do you have a therapist who can help you along this journey? There are things that can't be accomplished by oneself, especially dealing with attachment issues and processing past trauma.
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Re: What kind of dissociation is this? *Possible TW*

Postby Jake Bedlam » Mon Nov 25, 2019 7:39 pm

Thank you for the response. I'm a bit familiar with the car analogy as I've actually used something like it myself, hah. But you explained it well. I guess I feel a little more at ease knowing that this is not uncommon, and it feels validating to what I've suspected for a long time. I do, have a therapist who can help me with this, thankfully.
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Re: What kind of dissociation is this? *Possible TW*

Postby Johnny-Jack » Tue Nov 26, 2019 2:45 am

It sounds like you've been diagnosed with Aspergers and OCD but not DID or another dissociative disorder, is that right? It seems unlikely, though possible, that you have all three.

Many of us with DID have been diagnosed with other disorders because of the presentation of a specific alter, whether the main or host alter or alters, or another whose job it is to handle stressful or interpersonal things like therapy. In other words, a therapist is primarily seeing a small subset of our spectrum of behaviors and personalities.

If you have DID, being treated for conditions other than DID may be stabilizing at best but you wouldn't be addressing the core issues.

Virtually everything you described sounds like experiences which others here have posted. Have you tried consistently talking to the other parts of you?
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Re: What kind of dissociation is this? *Possible TW*

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue Nov 26, 2019 8:53 am

Johnny-Jack wrote:It sounds like you've been diagnosed with Aspergers and OCD but not DID or another dissociative disorder, is that right? It seems unlikely, though possible, that you have all three.


To me, it seems very likely to have all three. Being on the autism spectrum have a high comorbidity with OCD due to the high sensitivity to stress. Same hypersensitivity to stress, together with the increased ability to dissociate, can make DID / multiplicity very likely to develop. And I'm not even talking about all the other comorbidities: AD(H)D, chronic depression, chronic anxiety, chronic fatigue... Being on the spectrum is a bit like a bingo card...

For the rest, I agree with Johnny-Jack. Find the stability in your life, it will ease out the rest a little, and communication with the different parts helps too. Oh, and take a look at your B12 and other B vitamins. Us aspies often have issues with B12 absorption (it's all part of the genes leading to being aspie / autistic), which can increase the symptoms of a lot of other side-things (fatigue, anxiety, BINGO! ...)

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Re: What kind of dissociation is this? *Possible TW*

Postby Jake Bedlam » Tue Nov 26, 2019 2:35 pm

Thank you all! I've been dosgnosed with possible DID in more recent years, but I was diagnosed with Asperger's and OCD as a child. They're very clear issues, it's just the dissociation that has me confused. But you guys have been helpful.

Like I said, I am trying to be accepting of everyone. My angry part can be intimidating, and is difficult to reason with, but being accepting of everyone and trying to communicate with an open heart, so to speak, has helped. What's interesting is I have pretty allergies, but not all of me does. I do feel that there are issues relating to my dissociation that haven't been addressed. This is something I'll probably want to pursue more with my therapist.
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Re: What kind of dissociation is this? *Possible TW*

Postby Jake Bedlam » Tue Nov 26, 2019 3:39 pm

:shock: Oops, I misspell things a lot sometimes. :lol: Lack of sleep and confusion make a lot unclear. Sleep and clarity are still difficult mysteries for me.
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