Our partner

How do you know that you are "you"

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: Violarules, Johnny-Jack

How do you know that you are "you"

Postby Muninn » Sun Nov 24, 2019 1:26 pm

It is weird. Some of us apparently instantly recognize if they are fronting. But I seem to be one of those who can be out for days and just have this feeling of "something is off".
I suddenly like cooking and wonder why "I" did abandon this for months. I wonder why I can't connect to a story "I" was writing (how the hell did I came up with this weird stuff?) and I totally suck at a game in which "I" am supposed to be good, etc.

It takes quite a while of puzzling together this oddities to realize, that it -might- be me. Or rather that I'm not the others, but not sure about who I really am. At least I don't have this distinct sense of identity others have, when they use our body. I just use the name, which is associated with these combination of oddities, but of course I start to wonder, if such subtle changes are more like imagination.
The only thing that makes me believe, that I'm actually not just a mood change, is that the oddities have a very consistent pattern. Like it is always, the bad at gaming good at cocking and having a specific writing style, and a sense of order, etc. which appear together, when I assume it is me.

Do you always now for sure, that it is you? Or do you also experience rather subtle changes?

-Rhea
Muninn
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 256
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2018 4:05 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: How do you know that you are "you"

Postby Amythyst » Sun Nov 24, 2019 3:32 pm

Hey Rhea,

We seem to experience it 'both ways'... like sometimes we wakeup & just automatically instantly know i'm me. Or V2. or whoever. Like, the sense of self or whatever is just so strong, so unmistakable, it's we don't even hafta stop and wonder who we are.

But other times its the opposite. Not knowing who we are, not feeling strongly towards any one thing or another. We'll check our handwriting, cos that's usually a good 'tell' for who's fronting. Our desk is covered in scraps of paper with 'who am i' written on them, in different writing lol. Sometimes thats enuf for us to figure it out, sometimes even that doesn't help.

We have some theories... like maybe its cos of blending. Maybe its cos a switch didn't work right? Like, somehow coming out front didn't work and we're left without any distinct personality... just like, functional but indistinct? I dunno... just theories.

Also - this bit you wrote:

Muninn wrote:I suddenly like cooking and wonder why "I" did abandon this for months. I wonder why I can't connect to a story "I" was writing (how the hell did I came up with this weird stuff?) and I totally suck at a game in which "I" am supposed to be good, etc.

That like, totally sums up alot of our previous host's existance. She didn't know about being multiple but she did notice these shifts. The cooking stuff is like... exactlyt he sorta thing she'd say. Like 'i love cooking and love eating fresh wholesome homemade food - how could i possibly have forgotten that for months?!"

Viola
Arin(22f); Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); Kate(17/22f); L(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan(5f); Viola(17f); V1(22f); V2(16f); Waste(?); et al.
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey ThreadThe Team
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2767
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How do you know that you are "you"

Postby Floralie » Sun Nov 24, 2019 5:16 pm

There seems to be two kind of ways to front, many systems have both ways but some may only have the one you're describing and then it's really hard to even realize it can be DID or parts at all. We either have it a lot like that too, or maybe it's just passive influence because someone is close and leaking their thoughts and wants and needs into me, not fully fronting, or in body kind of at all. But then the way body moves etc. does not change, only the things "I" wanna do.

First way of fronting is that clear one, when there is several sense of selves, and they switch places. The other one is when your sense of self is the same than usually, but you still seem to act like a different part. It's kind of like sense of self removed from the part it's usually attached to and put together with a part it's not usually attached. So you don't feel a switch, you feel same sense of self, but things you do and like change, and you realize you're not the one that usually is with that sense of being "me".

That's the kind of switching that requires observing oneself and finding patterns to be noticed at all. Some parts can be like that naturally I guess, sometimes you only realize it afterwards they were there at all. But that kind of thing can be thru someone being close, but not fully fronting too. It can be really hard to tell the difference.

It's normal in DID and therefor kind of doesn't matter. If you still can do all things you should be doing, you don't have to be bothered about who you are too much. But if you are is probably more about feelings and nothing you can decide. If you feel confused, maybe just don't assume you're going to find a perfect answer, because you can be a mix of parts or influenced by someone and then it's normal not to be sure of who you actually are, or who you are mostly.

In our system there's lot of co-consciousness. Usually I realize it from something I do or want to do, and realize that it's not my thing but someone else's. And when I realize it, I kind of scan my body to realize if I'm also moving like that part, and scan the mind and usually it's kind of like me asking is it you there and usually the answer is yeah. But that can also happen without me noticing anything, if I don't pay attention. Sometimes it's clear, like yesterday I was walking and the style I walked with changed all the sudden. I just knew it was one of the guys but nobody answered from the mind. Then I scanned how my face is like, facial expression, and that's where I can tell them clearly apart. It was Sami. He didn't come co-con, just visited the body few minutes and went away.
Floralie F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) defender (trauma)
Lucas M 16 (19) bridge-builder, self care (trauma)
Leon M 4 (trauma?)
Ferro M 14/24 protector (trauma)
Rami M 25 inner protector/caretaker manager
Anastasia F 26 inner caretaker, female sexuality
Jules M 11 main trauma holder with DID
User avatar
Floralie
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1053
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 9:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How do you know that you are "you"

Postby Muninn » Tue Nov 26, 2019 9:51 pm

Thank you for your replies! Rhea (or at least someone else of us) will reply later, I hope. Our cat is sick and we are quite worried and have not much brain capacity left to think about ourselves. But I hope she will be better soon and we will be back here.

-Alea
Muninn
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 256
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2018 4:05 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How do you know that you are "you"

Postby KitMcDaydream » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:39 pm

Floralie wrote:
First way of fronting is that clear one, when there is several sense of selves, and they switch places. The other one is when your sense of self is the same than usually, but you still seem to act like a different part. It's kind of like sense of self removed from the part it's usually attached to and put together with a part it's not usually attached. So you don't feel a switch, you feel same sense of self, but things you do and like change, and you realize you're not the one that usually is with that sense of being "me"



Yes, this is 'me'! I've always felt I had a 'original (or core) self' but was confused by many on here saying that there was no original self as DID develops from the child not developing a sense of self. (or words to that effect). I thought maybe mine was just 'autistic masking' but it seemed more than that when talking to others with autism about what they meant by 'masking'. Mine seemed more involved but yet not fitting the traditional description of DID with each different part/alter being completely different people.

When I write down each 'persona' (as I used to originally call them) they were all triggered by either trauma such as intense bullying or a new symptom/health issue triggering a significant lifestyle change (ie losing hearing at 16, losing mobility in my 30's, regaining some of it in my 40's). Losing several family members from health issues and my own medical issues since childhood could have been the cause of preoccupation with illness/disability too, but despite going through all that I still feel there's an 'original self' within.

Right now for my 50's, it's like my 'original self' has just discovered she's still alive despite everything but wants to continue her life as if 'the others' ..particuarly 'Deaf Thea' and 'Maddie' had never existed, and she'd never spent those 15 years (roughly) living as those personalities. However the physical body still has some of the same issues that triggered the original development of them in the first place plus its now 34 years later so the body can not physically return to its status pre-16 before it became deaf or before it developed other neurological issues. I think this is where the frustration stems from not helped by the severe mood swings triggered by the fact the body is going through its menopause!

And despite 'a part' not wanting to be 'Maddie' anymore and wanting to start again as if she'd never existed, (including cutting out anyone who only knew us as Maddie) the 'I' deep within doesn't want to forget the wonderful part of those 15 years that was my beloved furbaby (my eldest dog who passed a few years ago) who got me through them. Most of those years with her been spent in this current house as 'Maddie'. So the original self is in turmoil about how to move forward 'to a new self' without losing 'our' most precious memories from each part's life.

This is a challenging concept to get my head around for someone who struggles with concepts in general! ..but the 'me' inside seemed to identify strongly with how you described it and I feel as if I'm a small step further on in understanding the incredibly complex 'me', so thanks for that! :)

Kit
KitMcDaydream
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 324
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2018 1:24 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How do you know that you are "you"

Postby Una+ » Fri Nov 29, 2019 10:10 pm

My concept of "me" is much larger and looser now than in the past.

My sense of self used to be quite firm, despite frequent possession states, and even beyond diagnosis and into treatment of DID. And then one day something weird happened and I realized my stream of consciousness had switched from one identity state to the other. I was Alter 2, doing my thing, and I heard Una in my head.

Researchers who study consciousness say it is largely an illusion; the human mind neatly papers over the gaps and inconsistencies, creating an illusion of continuity.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
Una+
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 7130
Joined: Sun Apr 10, 2011 3:17 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How do you know that you are "you"

Postby Floralie » Fri Nov 29, 2019 10:59 pm

That illusion of "self" is also the thing that makes it possible for us to integrate, in a fusion kind of way. Then all just share the same sense of self, and it feels like themself, although not all traits that used to be part of them, are there anymore. But the sense of still "being me" can be, it can kind of be there even when ALL the things are different, not how they used to. That's how I view it. No one really knows what consciousness is. But what ever it is, it is flexible.

I had that weird experience once, when I was "me" and thinking things from my point of view, but I was also Lucas, and thinking things from his point of view. And then my point of view was fascinated about how things felt for Lucas' point of view, because I experienced it as "me" too. So there was two of us under same sense of self, that felt "me". It was even weirder because he did some body maintenance stuff to my body, which is mine, but to him felt like someone else's although he was in it. So it felt like mine and some else's at the same time and "I" was thinking "so this is how it feels to him when he showers n my body etc." and the way it felt to him felt very weird to me, to be in body that's not "mine" because it was owned by another me. :shock: (We view the outside body being mine and their bodies internal only.) It lasted for one evening and over the night probably because we woke up same way. Then we went to work, and I switched back to being just me without him there. It felt weird, kind of like co-consciousness, but it was different. It's really hard to explain how it was different, but I think the one sense of self being with two parts instead of one would be most close to how it felt like. It was just interesting and I liked it, it didn't feel confusing in a bad way, although I kind of didn't know who I am. Or that's not true, I did, I just was the two of us, but it was clear like that, not confusing or anyway blurry or blendy.
Floralie F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) defender (trauma)
Lucas M 16 (19) bridge-builder, self care (trauma)
Leon M 4 (trauma?)
Ferro M 14/24 protector (trauma)
Rami M 25 inner protector/caretaker manager
Anastasia F 26 inner caretaker, female sexuality
Jules M 11 main trauma holder with DID
User avatar
Floralie
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1053
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 9:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How do you know that you are "you"

Postby Zor » Mon Dec 02, 2019 6:44 pm

Una+ wrote:My concept of "me" is much larger and looser now than in the past.

My sense of self used to be quite firm, despite frequent possession states, and even beyond diagnosis and into treatment of DID. And then one day something weird happened and I realized my stream of consciousness had switched from one identity state to the other. I was Alter 2, doing my thing, and I heard Una in my head.

Researchers who study consciousness say it is largely an illusion; the human mind neatly papers over the gaps and inconsistencies, creating an illusion of continuity.


That is so true of me, too... for MOST of my life it was "ME" and only me. I had weird times, odd "voices", odd things that I'd CLEARLY DONE but had no memory of, etc... but it was still ME... and only me... I had no idea the others even existed. So about 19-20 months ago (late April 2018, however long ago that was)... being forced to face the truth that these others were me...

And in the time since, my view of "me" has changed a TON. It's a lot "looser and larger" - I love how you put that!

I get that there are several of us here, present, sometimes close, sometimes not... and there's times it's CLEARLY someone else (I'm almost entirely unaware if any minor awareness at all) out... other times I don't KNOW who I am- others, one or more, are present, so close, so much "blending" or "noise"... it's hard to know who is saying, thinking, or feeling what... It's a weird feeling to be present but NOT KNOW who you are...

Sometimes this is a precursor to switching, other times it's a byproduct of it, sometimes it's entirely apart.

To answer the post subject question- that's not something easily pinned down without clear delineation between each part's personality. When you don't have that, it's hard to know who you are. At times that is there, it's easier to know... for me, and others.
(Body - Male, 39)
Zor - primary host & main poster
The rest of us: {\Pixie/}, Kaitie-Lynn (aka "Kitten"), Kaleb, Angel, Katya, Satin, Charles, Chloe, Noah, and a few rarely seen
User avatar
Zor
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1288
Joined: Mon May 07, 2018 12:32 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 1:13 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: How do you know that you are "you"

Postby KitMcDaydream » Tue Dec 03, 2019 9:09 am

To the OP

Do you keep a journal? Maybe write down what you did and how you felt each day for a few months then go back and read it and see if you can work out who likes what and when YOU felt most present.

I have been doing a journal for the first time this year and when I go back and read what I put earlier in the year it's weird and I can see where I was the most dissociated and where I was 'doing better' and I find that has helped me a lot to find 'me'.
KitMcDaydream
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 324
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2018 1:24 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How do you know that you are "you"

Postby vortexvoid » Wed Dec 04, 2019 5:01 pm

I often don't know who I am, though I don't always question it. As long as I am functioning (like at work or whatever), I'll usually just go with it.

We've always had a vague sense of self, which is part of our first diagnosis, which was Borderline. We changed the body name numerous times and never felt attached to the old names. We eventually figured out that those name changes were reflective of host changes.

We've been going by Rae for a few years, but it doesn't feel like "me" because Rae is a distinct part who hosted for a while, but now is often inside or co-conscious with someone else. Still, we can't change our name every time we change hosts. People don't understand, haha.

I agree with everyone about the illusion of self - it's just how human brains are built. But it's nothing tangible, and can change and shift depending on need and circumstance.
Rae - current host

The Others:
Rachel, Rachel Joy, Keda, Taty, SS3NDASS, Killer, Critic, Kid, Void, and Jukebox

Our journey of discovery and getting to know each other
vortexvoid
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 277
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2017 6:14 am
Local time: Thu Dec 12, 2019 11:13 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: TheRoseSystem and 40 guests