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Introduction and Questions

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Introduction and Questions

Postby ouachitamount » Tue Nov 19, 2019 4:07 pm

Hello everyone! I’ve been lurking around here for a little while, but this is my first post. I haven't been diagnosed with DID but it’s what makes the most sense to me from what I’ve experienced. I recently just started seeing a psychiatrist (she only does medication management) for anxiety. I mentioned dissociation to her, but I was such a mess the last time I was in her office I don’t think I communicated enough to her about what I experience. I would love opinions on wether I’ve chosen the right doctor to help with this, or if it would make more sense to open up about it with a therapist.

I went for anxiety because my default is to immediately dissociate all feelings and emotions away. But recently that’s not enough. I’ve always had this one really fighty part. I kind of remember her protecting me when I was a child. I think the anxiety finally triggered her and now I get episodes full of her emotional tantrums. The episodes aren’t new, but the last time I experienced them with this severity was 7 years ago.

I have never been nice to this part. Until I started reading up on DID, I said and thought a lot of really mean things about her. Like she’s the reason I would get in more trouble because she’s kind of a lose cannon. She’s the part that gets called evil and demonic. Which now that I have a better understanding of what’s happing I’ve been trying to do better. I refer to her as my little fighter pilot now, with some affinity. I don’t know her name, or maybe she uses the original body name, which is a name that I personally can’t confront and that probably doesn’t help.

I’ve been slowly working on opening up communication for the past month. I’ve written a couple letters and those are interesting. I’ll write a sentence and then inside I (or she??) feel hurt, anxious, I’ll start crying briefly. And then I go back to my emotionless self and continue writing. Rinse and repeat. It’s pretty much the same go-around if I’m talking out loud or directing the communication into my subconscious. I would love to hear other people’s experience on this or if it sounds familiar to anyone else.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.
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Re: Introduction and Questions

Postby Amythyst » Wed Nov 20, 2019 10:33 am

Hey ouachitamount, welcome to the forum.

One thing that works good talking with a T or a psych doc, if you have anxiety issues or just trouble talking about this stuff, is like write it down in advance? Then you can either refer to what you wrote, or just give the note to them and let them read it.

We do that a lot and it really helps. Epsecially when there's like trouble with dissociation and amnesia and stuff lol. You could even print out your post here and use that as a start if you're not sure what to say or whatever.

We have one part who would only respond to communication in writing, like we'd write something then he'd write an answer. Then he got a bit better and he'd respond talking inside but we still had to write outt our words to him. I *think* we can talk normally with him now... but took like a year to get there.

Other parts respond best when we talk out loud - like doing the 'crazy talk to yourself' kinda thing lol. We talk out loud and she answers inside. Sometimes thats just easier all round since it kinda helps keep us like focused with the conversation? But its a thing that either you do it alone at home, or you just learn to not care what other people think if they see it happening lol.

We have some who communicate in emotions and images, like they can udnerstand our words to them but they can't speak or use words back. So they show images, and send emotions, and we hafta interpret what it means.

I guess my point is, in our experience different parts communicate in different ways, even within the same system. So it doesn't hurt to try different things, see how things go. It can take a while too for parts to get comfortable. Maybe your fighterpilot will share her name with you once she's certain she can trust you.

Good luck with everything.

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