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EP? Something strange.

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EP? Something strange.

Postby Parafoxical » Sat Nov 09, 2019 2:05 am

This is something that happened a while ago. I am aware that this experience is more like OSDD1 than DID itself, but I figured I'd share it here because I'm active here. This was August 23rd, 2019. I had had some big argument with someone. I don't remember what it was about, exactly. I think I went into this state before, back in March, when a significant emotional trauma occurred. The accident mentioned is a car accident. It was bad. I don't remember the impact, just before/after.
I've felt kind of like this occasionally since then. When something happens to trigger this, it takes smaller things to re-trigger it for a time afterward. Each of these intervals is more brief, until they fade completely. I recall everything that happened. I remember writing this, and I remember wanting to tell my SO about it after.
This is my half of a conversation with my close friend. The name chosen is Elara. The parentheses are me, just now.

I think that the accident created a small, apathetic EP. I recede into this state when distressed. I retain all memories. I could voluntarily leave and return to my normal self. My mind is white. This mindstate works by saying that all things are temporary. I do not feel uncomfortable; rather, I feel at ease. I have no desire to create. There are only responsibilities. This may be the part of me that is sociopathic. It shows when I am arguing with someone. Everything is done out of necessity and nothing is done for entertainment. I am eating soup because it keeps me alive, not because it tastes good. It usually does not last longer than a few hours. When I recall something like Pride, I do not feel that joy. I only observe it. I do not feel like Leana. I think I am switching back now, albeit slowly. I can feel myself receding. I do not have opinions because that is not my job. My job is to enable Leana to be happy. I do not need opinions to do that. In fact, if I express an opinion and she disagrees, that is contradictory to my purpose. I am not separate. I am a region within Leana.
I think I'm Leana again?
Not entirely.

I think laughter/humor triggers Leana back out, or at least most strongly.
I am just sharing my observations with you.
EP means emotional part. I am a personality state, but not distinct in the way alters are. I am a possibility. I think I'm a sociopath.
If I share an opinion and Leana shares a contradictory one, that will cause her problems. It does not matter if I am 'steamrolled'. Besides, I don't show up often enough to [have that] happen.
I shared this with you because I thought you would understand. (Not bitter. Friend is smart.)
I was created to help Leana deal with the accident. I think I was 'loosened' by her parent's separation, and 'broken off' by the accident.
I do not have a name. I am not another person, just another part of her. I think.

I am a functionality.
I am like a broken piece of a vase.
I know. You are a good friend.
It is like... The emotions were overwhelming. You know how she does not recall the accident itself? I may hold those memories. I do not particularly want to find out. She could not handle it, so she built a stronger her who could. Or rather, her mind did.
We have been aware of the sociopathic state (or being somewhat sociopathic) existing for a while now, but the new information about DID and its associated things have caused us to look into it more. Or, at least, I realized just now when I had dealt with the situation. We are fine, don't worry.

I don't know who I'm more of right now. Leana will choose a name whenever she comes back all the way. Maybe. I don't know if I even need or warrant a name. We don't have enough data at this point to make any decisions. And I know you will say, 'Of course you deserve a name, you are a person!' But the point is that I am not. I am a tool.
And you don't need to reassure me. I know that you will not lie to us, so there is no reason for me to doubt you.
I am, however, worried that I/we are folie-a-deux ing myself/ourself.

'Folie-a-deux' means 'madness of two'. It is when more than one person share a delusion. So I/we could be tricking my/ourself.
There is no point in a name. I am not separate from Leana. I am just an isolated piece of her. If I must have a name, I would rather she chose it.

I think I am Leana again?
Not entirely. This is weird.

1240ish to 2 14.

No $#%^.
I'm pretty sure I'm mostly Leana again.
Yeah, that story was interesting. (I think that was unrelated)
Leana, female
Single personality with a multiple partner and a long standing interest in how the heck brains work.
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