Our partner

**TW** Just writing but could be triggering***

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: Violarules, Johnny-Jack

**TW** Just writing but could be triggering***

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Oct 12, 2019 8:57 am

At first I felt like I had someone with me, most likely Lapis Lazuli. Now it feels like I am completely alone.

I feel like I'm sadistic and nasty and don't deserve anything nice. The twins made contact from the background. They try to make out they're a separate entity but I'm not like the others because I force them into "no you're not"

I was feeling really #######5. Putting off finishing a job application because I don't feel like I deserve to finish it. They pointed out that I may feel sadistic but I haven't "done anything that bad" My head may be f'd up but outwardly I do "ok" things.

The cat was here. They said look at the cat. I did, I realised it looked #######5 and I called the vet. The twins said other parts just let the cat be, it has skin problems that come and go so they leave it. But I couldn't leave it, leaving it didn't enter my head and looking at the cat for a couple of seconds my reaction wasn't "oh good it's suffering" my reaction was "call the vet" So the twins say I can't be as "#######5" as I think I am. Which has made me quite emotional but I think it's more shame tears than anything - shame at not being that #######5 maybe.

All the sick disgusting stuff that happened I kind of internalised and I did do stuff like "make my cousin step in dog poop" as a kid and I did think it was funny but I did feel sorry for her afterwards. Not sorry guilty but sorry she was so stupid as to let me talk her into it. Which was as a kid I realised how stupid people can be and mostly leave them alone. So the twins say add that to how I reacted when I took the cat in properly and I'm not "that bad"

I didn't feel sorry for the cat but logically I thought that cat needs a vet. Then I thought that cat looks bad they should if took her ages ago the vet will think badly and then I thought I don't give a $#%^ what the vet thinks because the problem is the cat and the solution is the vet so I just called the vet. The twins said others would try to micro manage the cat on what it's eating till it skin got better and then leave i till it looks bad again and then micro manage - etc etc. That is stupid when there's meds so f that. But then some parts don't believe in doctor meds and only herbal stuff - stupid again.

Then the twins pointed out I was more interested in the fish when it had murky water. I sorted that out. I find it relaxing to watch the fish but I don't talk to it (or the cat) like other parts do but I didn't stop till I worked out why the water was murky and sorted it out, it was the pump.

So they say I'm not that bad. I haven't done that bad stuff and as much as I might not have the emotional involvement others have with things I actually do stuff to solve problems in a positive way. Therefore I'm not that bad.

They said I should type here because I was struggling with other stuff but I didn't want to talk about that and now I typed all that they said I should type my other stuff that is bothering me.

I get I'm in a female body. It bothers me in some ways but mostly in things like I feel people take me less seriously because of that. I can't say "love you" to any bf because it makes me feel gay. Even though logically I'd be gay if I said that to a woman.

It all comes back to the SA and how I took in sadistic stuff which has basically made me disconnect emotionally from anything, the twins say, and that I hate the body I'm in. I do hate it. If I don't think too much about it I'm fine but if I think about it I hate it. I fantasize about mutilating it but the twins say again "I'm not that bad because I don't do it"

All of it is all just self control though. It's self control of that I will not let those bastards win who made me into this f'd up freak. I realised if I'm horrible they win. I realised if I hurt myself they win. I realised if I show they effect me they win. I want to kill them. That's the only way I see of me taking any power back. I want them on their knees begging for their life and then I want to take their lives how they took mine. Being horrible to others won't make them suffer, they win if I do that. The twins are saying "they win" if I kill them but the way I see it they're winning now. They're living their lie that they are good people and just happen to have one crazy daughter and another daughter who has had sex therapy because of the sexual risks and activities she was getting up to, has been diagnosed with autism and social anxiety, had drug problems for years, suffers with depression. That's all a coincidence - they're great people and by coincidence both their children are f'd up. They are winning. Driving their nice cars, living in their nice houses, going bon their nice holidays, telling people the sad story of how they were great parents but have the burden of two f'd up daughters. They deserve to be dead. That's the only way their lies end, the only way they are not here on this planet any more. Maybe then my sister could face what happened because all the while she's financially dependant on my mother she won't. I think she had it worse than me with the sadist bitch that unfortunately gave birth to us because the day my sister's hand got burnt with the iron I said "I don't think she did it on purpose though do you?" And my sister said the mother did do it on purpose but she wouldn't say why. Knowing stuff that they do, that they did to me, it's something she would do. They seperated me and my sister when the sadistic bitch mother overhead us talking I was saying "Dad's not here tonight. She won't do anything to us on her own" and my sister said "yeah she will" The mother actually feinted hearing that, I think she genuinely believed that we wouldn't remember anything because she had this idea that before a certain age, 8, we wouldn't remember the sick $#%^ she did with our father. She has a terrible childhood so probably that's where she got that idea because she probably struggled to remember stuff before that age and chose to pass it on to her daughters instead. Our grandmother would always guilt trio us "your mother had a terrible childhood so be kind to her" puke. They put us in seperate bedrooms after she over heard us talking about whether she was going to abuse us or not so God knows what happened to my sister. My mother always kept her with her so she probably had it worse off the sadistic bitch than I did.

With myself dealing with my $#%^ my immediate problem is feeling I'm a piece of $#%^ and that is stopping me from finishing the job application form. Secondly I hate this body. Thirdly there's no resolve to what happened to me as a child because I can't murder my sadistic disgusting parents.

Thanks for reading, Paul.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1018
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sun Oct 13, 2019 11:04 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: **TW** Just writing but could be triggering***

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Oct 12, 2019 2:57 pm

Hi Paul,

I read what you wrote. I'm glad that the twins are being helpful and pointing out evidence that you're not a bad person. And I'm glad that you helped your cat and fish.


Not sure who this is.
TheGangsAllHere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3090
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 4:15 am
Local time: Sun Oct 13, 2019 4:04 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: **TW** Just writing but could be triggering***

Postby myce » Sat Oct 12, 2019 7:37 pm

Hi Paul. First I should give a disclaimer that everything I say is based on my learning and not on any specific studies or science. I make models in my mind to understand things and that is what I describe.

I have sometimes lurked the ASPD forum. Sometimes they can have a style of cold logic that is almost soothing to me. Maybe it's because I think I'm socially retarded. (Though I don't stay there long because of their more repulsive aspects.) They talk about something they call "cognitive empathy" which I never heard of anywhere else. I think cognitive empathy is what you do when you notice the cat needs to go to the vet and you troubleshoot the murky fish tank. It seems that cognitive empathy is motivated by a sense of duty that is not influenced by feeling. It might even be more stable and reliable than feelings-based empathy since feelings are unstable.

This is an example of how "cognitive empathy" can help one navigate stressfully contradictory circumstances: When I was a teenager I had a pet cat that should have gone to the vet long before it started to smell like necrosis. At that time I lived with my dad who was nice but neglectful and we had a lot of animals. The cat was old and sick and something inside me just snapped when I realized how bad it was. I handled the situation outside with a cinder block. That's what this style of thinking is made for, handling what needs to be done.

I think ASPD is traumogenic kind of like DID. The human animal is born equipped with the hardware for feeling and socializing. If you're raised in a savage environment then you become a savage to survive. With ASPD the feeling-hardware is exremely dissociated, damaged or destroyed. Even sadism is defensive, in a perverted sort of way, kind of like how self-mutilation is something we might do to relieve pain. I'm speculating since I don't experience sadism and don't understand it. ASPD people usually have little or no motivation to get better because they feel alright and the treatment is very difficult if it's even possible.

But the DID system can preserve the feeling-hardware from being destroyed. The system uses dissociation to protect the internal organs of the brain. That way the system retains the capacity to feel and care about people even if it is necessary for ASPD-like alters to be in charge sometimes. You're dealing with some really awful stuff, it's understandable that you feel awful. You survived evil with your soul intact. It's not your fault, and you're trying to get better. I think you are stronger and more good than you realize.
OSDD, 43 f.
known forum participants:
day-child, Front, Front0, Front1, Reboot
night-child, Shield/Sentinel, Wolf Corpse and the Howlers
Nebulous
myce
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 400
Joined: Sat Sep 10, 2016 1:40 pm
Local time: Sun Oct 13, 2019 4:04 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: **TW** Just writing but could be triggering***

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Oct 13, 2019 9:31 am

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Hi Paul,

I read what you wrote. I'm glad that the twins are being helpful and pointing out evidence that you're not a bad person. And I'm glad that you helped your cat and fish.


Not sure who this is.


Thanks Gang for the aknowledgement or reinforcement of what the twins are trying to point out.

Hi Myce,

If it is a sense of duty then it's a very easy sense of duty - like I want to do it and gives me something to do otherwise I'm bored. They forced me into downtime yesterday. I read pretty much all day and where I just read words the twins can make books "come to life" ie show pictures and push emotions around while reading the words. I got frustrated at first, would be so much quicker if it was a film but eventually I just accepted the doing nothing and allowed the twins to absorb me in the book.

When on the ASPD forum, someone (I don't think it was my thought) thought how ASPD seems similar in the dissociated way. As you're saying, it's a reaction to a savage environment and everything else, anything positive is pushed out inorder to survive. I say it often, literally could not afford any emotions in my house as a child. Whether it was Beth sobbing or Karen acting out or me getting into a massive rage because the parents would use those emotions against you either immediately or later. And as parts looked at the forum with me (sort of) I realised without the DID and the personality spitting helped by having a good imagination and then realising it could be used to change memories we didn't like is what stopped the resultant of how our life was that we were just ASPD, nothing else left and probably would be like the parents. Although me as an element also stops it because I have a cool reaction to stressors as you say. When a part was told that things we were doing with our eldest son we're detrimental to him while other parts beat themselves up I thought "ok so scrap every parent experience we had and go learn new ones" but I don't just take one person's crazy abstract parenting ideas and follow them like a moron - books were read, 7 parenting courses were attended as were assertion and confidence courses and communication courses. Literally an overhaul of how we conducted ourselves in life but for the purpose of being a good enough parent and not a f up. They only got over the guilt of being so rubbish is the first 4 years ten years later and some parts still feel guilty but that won't help the boy, our eldest son.

What's happened before in this situation where I'm here more than any other part is that I logically sort life out and then slowly the other parts slide into it where it suits them.

The problem I'm having is that the job I think is good, because money a fitting into life, is at night and underground. Others are not keen on going out at night and panic underground. The twins are saying I can take the job, do the job. It's minimal hours and it leaves the rest of the week for other parts to top up our income or do other things. But I feel like I don't deserve that time. Like because I won't get a satisfaction out of it emotionally or really care about it I shouldn't hog that time. They all feel passionately about things they choose to do, I do not. It feels to me like they should have the main income job, the time and the feelings they'll get out of it. The twins pointed out I would earn 2thirds of what they currently earn in a third of the time. That literally if wanted they could carry on with their full time job and I could do my job but that's not an option because of children and they come first. So if I took a job like that, where it's two thirds of the income in one third of the time they would do a couple of hours job to just give them something to do. I feel like I'd be taking from them, what they worked for and their satisfaction and that's where I'm stuck. I thought I'd apply get no further and that would be that, I'm putting off with the next step because of these feelings and it's a popular job possibly so I could time out. I'm literally self sabotaging myself, I can't blame other parts for it. Logically what the twins say make sense so if I haven't timed out of it I will do it now.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1018
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sun Oct 13, 2019 11:04 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: **TW** Just writing but could be triggering***

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Oct 13, 2019 10:30 am

The other thing is last time this happened, a crisis, I found them 3 potentially really good partners. 3 really boring guys who were financially stable, liked enough of their own space that we could breath and not feel under pressure and basically see as they wanted - walk over types I suppose, to be brutally honest.

They didn't like them. Ok, one was freaky in bed, I can understand that being an issue - I wasn't sure if it would be or not, it was a trial and error but these guys you could pick up and drop and pick up again so with three reasonably stable choices I thought they'd pick one. The other one, because I always split bills because why should the guy pay (I could of exploited the financial side but I have protocol) said to Karen (of all people) "I've saved loads of money seeing you" and she dropped him like crap, her view was it was cruel he said that and he could of bought her a present or something and why should he get her company and "save money" I tried to talk her down and tell her I'd sort it but she wasn't having any of it. Then the last guy was what I call a sad sack but he messed up when they misinterpreted he's needy emotional weakness as a slight on them and that was the end of that. So I let them loose and they end up seeing a sociopath for three years who saw we had different personalities.

My thoughts are for continuity, plus they picked him, is I maintain the relationship. I could go out, get three guys exactly like the other three guys and they won't appreciate it, the boring and easy to be around etc and nobody is ever right and I'm wasting my time. So I thought this time maintain this relationship they chose, they chose it. But the guy f's with them all the time. He reads here (Hi btw) and I said about I don't like people particularly men saying "I love you" and now he keeps saying it. So it has no effect on me because I know he's saying it to f with me so it isn't. Plus when I used to get on quests to help people, you reduce them to tears using their weaknesses and then pull them out of the myre and they're better for it - he could be trying to do that but I doubt it because he laces it with being "worried about me" which is "break someone down class 101" I don't think he has their or our best interest at heart but they chose him. I can literally be celibate for years and be happy. I spent two of our teenage years high, playing computer games and going to raves (other appropriate parts came) and other parts did their little things, there's more time without kids and responsibilities, but we was celibate that whole time. Then another two years I spent like that when the relationship with the narcissist ended and I was basically on my own in this body then. I only got another partner at the end of that because I needed to kill three birds with one stone and it worked in that way. It's long to explain. But in those two years I focused on going to domestic violence courses so I wouldn't be violent (I kept beating up the narcissist) and realised if they were going to have a relationship then I couldn't be a risk of beating up a nice guy. But they never pick a nice guy and then they blame me because "I might exploit him" which is absolutely ridiculous. Yeah I exploited the narcissist but wth does anyone want me to do with a narcissist - so I took his money and beat him up for 5 years till they felt bad about how we were treating him, which is ridiculous because the guy was emotionally and psychologically abusing them and cheating which is effectively sexual abuse but they felt bad because we got something out of it, I got something out of it.

I'm not the problem when it comes to the men they pick I realised. I'm the Scape goat. Can't pick a nice guy because we'll exploit him - meaning Paul will. I split bills, don't beat people up anymore - even when they are a head f, I conduct myself in a very reasonable manner. They pick #######5 guys. Even when I put 3 normal guys on a plate for them. I interviewed about, must of been over 50 guys. One date, set questions, work them out and there were 3 that were basically "ok" They didn't like any of them. So I'm not the problem. So for continuity and because they picked him I'm maintaining some level of relationship with the sociopath - he definitely has some sort of ASPD, I say sociopath because only a sociopath would notice different personalities because they need to so they can effectively exploit and manipulate. Plus the first bf was a sociopath and he worked it out, knew Beth and Karen - they all forget these things and I'm sure I'm the only one paying attention to this sometimes. He even watched the twins argue over whether to stab him or not "I'm not stabbing him because you'll leave me in prison" "how can I leave you in prison, we're in the same body" "I don't know but I'm sure you'll find a way to leave me there" and he didn't bat an eyelid, just waited till they finished arguing - same as this guy did when the twins showed up and argued with eachother, he did not bat an eyelid. So they like sociopaths, because that's what our parents are but our parents have very high levels of narcissism. They seem to pick sociopaths with some level of empathy, low self esteem to put up with them and narcissism levels that are lower and they like to live off the successes of their victims whilst breaking them down - sorry, people just like our parents, I just realized. Our parents split and latched onto normal people, weak Normal people who are easily fooled and manipulated. I think that's another fear not being like the parents and that means to them staying as a victim and you can't stay a victim without having an abuser. They say they're tired of it but I found there normal "ok" guys - which is not f'in easy off dating sites, like I said I must of interviewed 50 guys (gone on about 50 first dates) and they weren't happy with any of the three normal "ok" guys. So I give up. I just give up.

Nothing I can do about this sociopath guy, it's his nature to be how he is, keeping on messing with whoevers head is around at the time. But I do know my alters or the other alters, I know I'm just an alter myself. I know their pattern. Hide for about 2-3 years while I sort out all the mess, present them with an "improved" life, a sorted easy life, they live it for a while and then mess it up by getting into a relationship with a pathological person.

That's why getting DID therapy, a specialist therapist, is on my list. I can't keep doing this - rearranging life and hoping it'll get better. These f'ers can work towards integration because that's the only way I see out of this for me and I'm sick and tired of it.

Starting to get why the expressing here is reasonably helpful.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1018
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sun Oct 13, 2019 11:04 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: **TW** Just writing but could be triggering***

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Oct 13, 2019 5:02 pm

I finished the job application.

I been thinking about patterns of this. When I've been out loads, years, think I'm the only one, start to think I imagine parts - all that.

And I realised they hide when they think they're unsafe. So what's making them feel "not safe" It's not the bf. Life instability, yes, job etc. But I could sort that and they still won't be back. It's the parents. It's our own children, they saw a parent or step parent - maybe both, I don't know because I can't do anything about it (according to authorities if I stop them seeing abusive parents I'm abusing my children) so I just don't pay attention to when they're seeing them. But the children come back with "you're a liar and you have to talk to your parents" They were brought up to speak their mind but not aware of manipulation by others because I don't do that, I let them make their own choices. Anyway for other parts that'd be difficult, not safe.

They're not getting over the fragment parts, the realising why we're like this. They won't cope with the kids moaning about me not seeing the parents, the pressures of that - even distant social pressures of "I have no contact with my parents"

They won't cope with any of that. They'd crack, they see it as not safe so here I am constantly. This could be a 20year thing not a two or three year thing like previously when I'm only around. Because this won't go away till the parents are dead. They don't want to see them or have contact with them but there's no chance of them just going away quietly. So here I am. Stuck here.

Aim to keep coming here because otherwise I forget about others, think I imagined them or I'm kidding myself about them. So here will remind me even if I can't work out what to do about it.

Paul
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1018
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sun Oct 13, 2019 11:04 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)


Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: birdsong87, LearningToo, TeddyBear the helper and 83 guests