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Paul

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Paul

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Oct 09, 2019 3:46 pm

Paul has been consistently around for two days now. He is actually very boring. He gets bored, does washing, gets bored tidies up. I only knew him as manipulative and potentially violent but he's actually very boring.

He won't let me type or read much because he says this is a boring waste of time. I tried letting him talk on the ASPD forum but he said that's pointless because they just want to go on about DID if he says anything - ie whatever he says is ignored so that is pointless too.

He's seen legal people about our work situation, applied for other jobs, went on a "conflict at work course" Being around him this much makes me see him a little differently.
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Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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Re: Paul

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Dec 15, 2019 3:24 pm

I should of put all the Paul stuff on this thread. Paul's problems.

Nevermind I'll try to do that from now on.

I had a bad night. Mandy was around this morning. Happy and excited about Christmas. She wrapped presents. Then my children came home early, which isn't a problem, they don't notice alters but my bf took it upon himself to tell them "that's Mandy"

This doesn't bother me but it bothered Mandy. She went and sat and cried. It seems like she feels she can be herself if she's covered by peoples idea of one body, one person.

Other parts cheered her up a bit and she was ok, dunno what happened there but I know that's what happened.

Then my daughter had a go at her. I think my daughter didn't like the bf bringing up parts and names. I spoke to her afterwards and she said it doesn't bother her that I'm different sometimes but she doesn't want to know about names. That suits us too. We see it like collectively we make one person and we take blame and credit as a unit, as one overall person and outside people don't need to know about alters. We decided that along time ago and it's how we function best.

When my daughter started to shout at Mandy, naturally Mandy couldn't really cope with it. Paul is Mandy's father but left her to the twins to bring up. Mandy doesn't usually like him but she has slowly got to know him. When Mandy couldn't cope Paul switched in.

He dealt with our daughter shouting well and appropriately. And to me it felt she needed to know that her mum isn't immature and incapable of parenting so it made her feel safer to have her mother draw a line. That it was Paul doesn't matter because it's one person my daughter sees and we are all responsible for raising the children. My children knew nothing about my disorder or parts until this recent crisis.

The problem we felt was that Paul felt more loyalty to Mandy than he did to our actual daughter. His concern was over her speaking badly to Mandy not her speaking badly generally in a parental sense. He realised this, he's never been a protector of Mandy before because she was with the twins and Patrick was always the protector, Paul was always more internal unless outside life had something serious. Patrick hasn't been around unless we need to ask something practical for over 6 months now and Paul is basically the protector part now.

So Paul had not been in a situation like this ever. Not dealt with our daughter or been needed to help Mandy.

It was a very odd feeling and not one Patrick ever had or any other part. We have always put our children before ourselves. In that moment though Paul felt more protective over Mandy than he did over our daughter. He realises he needs to rectify this somehow. Something is wrong about that in our general opinion but at the same time he can't help how he feels. As I said he dealt with the situation appropriately, it was a very simple situation of our daughter shouting and pushing limits. I'm not worried about it in a outside sense. I am interested in it in an internal way and Paul himself realised he needs to change it, to feel more protective of our daughter than a part that can hide internally anyway when things get too much - there it is. Paul clicked, our daughter can't hide, Mandy can. So that makes our daughter more vulnerable than Mandy and therefore he can sway the balance the other way and feel more protective of our daughter.

Also Paul is quite new at this, had been mostly internal for many years. He was also annoyed because what my daughter was shouting about Mandy knew nothing about so she couldn't say anything useful. To him it felt unfair of the daughter to shout at Mandy, she ought to shout at the alter it related to who knew about it. But our daughter doesn't know hardly anything about alters, just that I have them. Paul didn't know anything about what she was talking about either but to him the issue was simple, his house, his rules and nothing unreasonable was there so he drew a line and our daughter stepped behind it.

From my daughter's perspective I think she acted out because of wanting to feel safe after the bf said "that's Mandy" and when boundaries got set she felt safe again. I don't think my children need to know the ins and outs of my mind or about my alters and I also think Paul will be able to align his loyalty to outside people instead of inside people in time like Patrick.

Sometimes typing things out just helps them resolve. But I'll post and try to put anything Paul is struggling with here.

He recovered from the rage and heart attack. No-one has always kept him close. I don't know why he had the heartattack myself, others are saying do not think about it or bring it up because I'll set him off again so I won't.
Monte Carlo or Bust
Rose and Patrick
Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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Re: Paul

Postby ganjakites » Mon Dec 16, 2019 12:37 am

Try to change his boredom might be recommended


Go travel
jump out of a plane
visit a junk yard
climb a mountain
go ride in a car that really isn't
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Re: Paul

Postby AmmeSO » Mon Dec 16, 2019 5:09 am

Hey Sarandipity,

Perhaps Paul feels that his obligation is to the system and not to outside people, or that your daughter is not as much his duty as it is yours...he has accepted your daughter as the body's daughter so that is great. It takes time for him to see things from your and your daughter's perspective, that she was acting out of insecurity and there was no bad intent.

I feel that perhaps it's not a bad thing to give some explanation/reassurance to your daughter about your condition( in a way appropriate to her age), her insecurity can come from not understanding and fear of something unknown. To her her fear is does this mean my mummy won't always be my mummy? To her she fears relationship with you becoming unstable and changing. Reassure her that you will always be her mum and there for her, this condition doesn't change a thing nor your love for her?
One thing I notice with my husband, is that he learnt not to speak about anything troubling him, in the hopes that it goes away. Like the mindset ' if I don't mention anything everything will be fine' But after he bought it up, we both realise we were worrying about the same issue but none of us mention it, but the issue is still there. I think you are a great mother because you clearly care and put alot of thought into this.
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Re: Paul

Postby Sarandipity » Mon Dec 16, 2019 9:09 pm

AmmeSO wrote:Hey Sarandipity,

Perhaps Paul feels that his obligation is to the system and not to outside people, or that your daughter is not as much his duty as it is yours...he has accepted your daughter as the body's daughter so that is great. It takes time for him to see things from your and your daughter's perspective, that she was acting out of insecurity and there was no bad intent.

I feel that perhaps it's not a bad thing to give some explanation/reassurance to your daughter about your condition( in a way appropriate to her age), her insecurity can come from not understanding and fear of something unknown. To her her fear is does this mean my mummy won't always be my mummy? To her she fears relationship with you becoming unstable and changing. Reassure her that you will always be her mum and there for her, this condition doesn't change a thing nor your love for her?
One thing I notice with my husband, is that he learnt not to speak about anything troubling him, in the hopes that it goes away. Like the mindset ' if I don't mention anything everything will be fine' But after he bought it up, we both realise we were worrying about the same issue but none of us mention it, but the issue is still there. I think you are a great mother because you clearly care and put alot of thought into this.


That's basically what I (it was "No-one") said to her. I'm her mum, I love her and regardless of what part of me is present I'm still her mum. Paul got No-one because she's 19 and closest to her age but still older and he felt best able to express to our daughter what we wanted to say.

Mandy was crying due to exposure. She felt exposed. She felt like she was taking a child away from her mother by her presence. In reality Mandy has always flitted in and out, she helped picked their toys, would play in the park with them when other mother's just sit, alot of imaginative stuff like making decorations for birthday parties and was thoroughly enjoying wrapping their Christmas presents before they got home - she wanted to give them the presents immediately but obviously wasn't allowed to. So she's been there in their lives unseen and as much as she can't do some things like enforce boundaries or cook the dinner she's been a part of being their mum. So when she got called out as Mandy and she feared being seen as "not their mum" it hurt her.

But my daughter saw it as regardless of what part of me is present I'm her mum, all of me is her mum, which is what we internally work with and want that feeling from our children about us.

It's language difference when it's Patrick or Paul. They say "you were rude to your mum and now you're being rude to me so you're going in time out" which I've only recently noticed and the kids don't pick up on it because they're more focused on the time out or why they were rude and trying to justify it.

In many ways I think it's helped parenting because it's allowed different perspective. For example if they say "you were rude to me" then Patrick would say "ok, how was I rude" and then he'd fairly weigh it up "ok, I can see that was rude but that doesn't mean you can swear or shout" or whatever is going on. So it's admitting fault which some parents don't seem to do and that's easier when you're clearing up a disagreement that you didn't actually have.

Paul's new to it but he's not terrible at it. He's more likely to get overly annoyed but he's capable of walking away if he can't switch out and he dealt with my daughter appropriately on his first attempt so it'll be ok.

Recently because I was admitted to hospital we had a social worker and she asked "how would you like your children to see you?" I had to say 5 things but the most important to me was that they could see me as fun (caring and stuff but fun). When she had asked them they had said fun in their list and I was over the moon about that. Mandy makes most of the fun so without her I wouldn't be the mother I want to be. Without Rose they wouldn't of had gone cooked meals and birthday cakes, without Pat or now Paul they wouldn't have the security of enforced rules so all parts are important. Without me they wouldn't have someone to talk to about stuff. Even Beth, one day she said "I'm feeling sad, let's get pizza and watch a film" and they all cheered - which made her laugh because people don't usually cheer when a person says they're sad lol. Beth now likes some of their music, she's always kept up with music trends so depressed or not (which she isn't anymore but she's absent) she was even a part of their lives and not in negative ways mostly.

Thanks for the reassurance.
Monte Carlo or Bust
Rose and Patrick
Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
User avatar
Sarandipity
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Posts: 2205
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