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More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

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More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

Postby Zor » Tue Oct 08, 2019 5:29 pm

So I have had more lately, a LOT more, and in a short amount of time, than most times before.

I had a bunch right about the time I became aware of what Pixie suffered that time... I had a lot just before, and for weeks (about 3 months) afterwards... but they gradually became less common.

So fast forward to a week ago... after 2-3 weeks without a nightmare (Chloe's one while on vacation being the sole exception).... and suddenly a flood of them. The night of Oct 1st going into the 2nd... I had two. One woke me at midnight, then I struggled to get back to sleep for an hour... then another at 3...
Another the next night...

Two nights later would start a string of three straight days with one... last night I didn't have one...

**TRIGGER WARNING (sexual & language)**
MOST of these are about sexual trauma... the shadowy figure a few times (being either/both that hurt us), most times being "her" (the foster girl, the one that hurt Pixie, and touched us a lot, entirely Angel suffering that for us).

The other night, I woke up from one of these nightmares that was so strong... she'd come in and put her hand on my mouth to silence me, and slid her hand into my shorts, into my underwear. I protested into her hand best I could, she called me a "liar" for "enjoying it" b/c my body reacting, the erection, proved I did... as she fondled and rubbed more, my body began reacting more... I couldn't help but squirm, cry, and moan... she said things like "you enjoy this because you're a dirty slut" and calling me a "filthy $#%^" for liking this when she'd be my sister...

It was so intense a nightmare that I woke up nearly screaming... feeling INTENSE pressure on my groin. I had been pulling on my underwear so hard that they rode up and "squeezed me" as I tried to "keep them up" so she couldn't touch me... and I TORE the waistband several inches from the rest of the fabric... when I let go, realizing I was awake and she was NOT there... the "release" of that pressure and the terrorizing dream caused... a "mess" in the underwear...
And I heard her voice, over and over... "dirty slut... dirty slut... dirty slut" as my body "released"...

I cried so hard... that morning... literally on my knees in the bathroom, legs tightly closed ashamed of myself, feeling so disgusted with what happened, how _I_ reacted. It was disgusting... it was dehumanizing...
**END TRIGGER WARNING**

Later writing about it an hour or two later in our journal... I felt this RAGE building inside me... this utter disgust and self-loathing, but something else, too. I'd barely described what she was saying to me after I'd woken up ("dirty slut") when it built up so much I exploded... I literally threw the notebook across the room violently.
I just couldn't take it... I dropped my head to the table and cried, again... disgusted... ashamed... hating myself for the reaction(s)... the anger... the sexual "enjoyment" that my body got from it...
--

**Trigger warning (rage/anger/language)**
And this is part of what I am scared about. Later Angel wrote in the book, too... he was IRATE. Furious. Clearly VERY VERY hurt... he lived all this... the first time... he is WHY _I_ don't remember it, b/c HE lived it. He is questioning why he has to live it again, to be dragged through it all again. He even asked me flat out, why do I NEED to know? And why does he have to be dragged through this hell, this bad $#%^, just to satisfy my curiosity? Ending that question with a "###$ you!"
He was furious that I was trying to know, to process, to understand- for ALL our sake (I'd later write and tell him that is why- but he hasn't had any communication since that writing, several days now).

Pixie noted that he's scared, hurt, angry... and that he relives ALL OF IT at once every time- the memories are connected, and he's been struggling inside, too... he's been isolating himself, playing his violent metal music he likes, and screaming at the world when he's alone and thinks he's far enough away to not hurt her by letting her see/hear his pain.

I found a poem he'd written back in 2007 (before I knew they existed, much less that they were alters and such)... it's full of "######6 this" and "######6 that" and rage about being hurt and abused, used, etc. Questioning what "we'd" be without him... how hurt or "###$ up" we'd be if "we didn't exist" (him/them)...

Didn't realize the forum censored the S-word and F-word on it's own... but glad it does, looking at this it's a bit more explicit than even _I_ realized writing it (and it's a SMALL sample of what was written)... so that's what those mostly are if ppl need/want to know.
**END TRIGGER WARNING**

I am scared that I am getting closer to knowing what he suffered, with _her_ and maybe before (though Pixie assures me that that is vague at best, b/c we were 2-3 years old at the time) with the sexual stuff. I am terrified I am hurting him so bad, and I HATE THAT. And I hate that she explains it as being an "all or nothing" feeling for them... but I know we NEED to process it, too... and I'm NOT pushing... I haven't been asking him at all... I've tried NOT to... but these nightmares are getting more and more common and "stronger", too.

I just don't know what to do... I guess I just needed to get this out, off my chest. I told the T most of this, as much as I felt I could... and that's nearly everything... but even there, I hold back some sometimes... shame, fear, disgust. I know he says "I don't judge" and he's been good about it, but in person it just feels... difficult... to talk about some things... and I tried to tell my wife, but her lackluster response (she had just gotten up and noticed I was "out of sorts" and hadn't been awake more than 10 mins, in her defense)... mostly "is that all?!" when I said I had had nightmares and they'd messed me up a bit that day... Never mind I literally said (likely she didn't even hear this) that I'd "destroyed" a pair of underwear during/because of it.

IDK... I'm just so confused and scared... just needed someone to know.
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Re: More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Oct 08, 2019 5:53 pm

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know that it isn't good to re-experience the trauma in a way that's just re-traumatizing to you and not processing it. It sounds like this is moving a little too fast to be helpful.

There are good medications that can help with nightmares--maybe you might want to look into that? Two that I know about are prazosin and clonidine.
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Re: More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

Postby Zor » Tue Oct 08, 2019 6:47 pm

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I'm sorry you're going through this. I know that it isn't good to re-experience the trauma in a way that's just re-traumatizing to you and not processing it. It sounds like this is moving a little too fast to be helpful.

There are good medications that can help with nightmares--maybe you might want to look into that? Two that I know about are prazosin and clonidine.



We have been taking like OTC melatonin which gets us TO sleep, but it doesn't stop nightmares. The doc also has us taking, on an "as needed" basis, something called Hydroxyzine. ?? Kinda a "normalizer" effect on emotions... takes the peaks and valleys off a bit so there's less dramatic a swing of moods when they go off the rails.

IDK about 'too fast' cuz Zor hasn't been pushing us at all or even asking... not until AFTER there's a nightmare... and this hit suddenly after like a few weeks of nothing, and many many months after learning about like what _I_ suffered that time...

I think, maybe, it's cuz Angel and I are so close inside (married), and cuz the incident is similar to what HE suffered ("she" hurt him a lot more, dozens of times over like 6-7 months) that it coming out about ME and Zor remembering THAT is causing more to "seep out" in a sense...

Cuz we've been good about being careful, to TRY and take things slow... in fact, we've been more looking at Chloe and her needs and trying to get her to talk more to make her like less lonely and stuff... but it's been with mixed results. :? This stuff Zor mentioned above kinda blind-sided us...

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Re: More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

Postby IainEtc » Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:01 pm

Hey Zor. Sorry things are sh*t right now. Sounds like Pixie has some ideas. Things build up then come out all at once. You've been taking hits for months and now you're feeling it. Kind of normal.

Colin
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

Postby Zor » Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:15 pm

IainEtc wrote:Hey Zor. Sorry things are sh*t right now. Sounds like Pixie has some ideas. Things build up then come out all at once. You've been taking hits for months and now you're feeling it. Kind of normal.

Colin


It sure feels like "build up and come at once" like...
- Chloe had a nightmare about Pinkie Pie being destroyed (which I saw, and saw her wakeup and cry hugging it- like watching a movie inside her mind and her after the dream... something I've only felt or experienced a few times with others).
- Angel's shared similar or the same nightmares I describe above same nights I've had them.
- And another nightmare entirely, where I was playing "dress up" with some girls I grew up with, and in a dress one of them gave me, her dad seeing it and freaking out and chasing me away- Pixie said that's Katya being out as a kid, she had that same dream and it confused her, b/c "inside" this happened differently than it REALLY did outside... and the dream "felt more real" than her memory...

I feel like we're coming apart at the seams- even for some of us that rarely communicate or barely have ever... much less lately.

It's so daunting, so confusing... very very scary.
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Re: More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

Postby MeMyselfMaureen » Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:16 pm

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch .

Mi Shebeirach avoteinu v’imoteinu,
Avraham, Yitzchak v’Yaakov, Sarah, Rivkah,
Rachel v’Lei-ah, hu y’vareich et hacholim
Zor, Pixie. HaKadosh Baruch Hu yimalei
rachamim aleihem, l’hachalimam ul’rapotam
ul’hachazikam, v’yishlach lahem m’heirah
r’fuah, r’fuah shleimah min hashamayim,
r’fuat hanefesh ur’fuat haguf, hashta
baagala uviz’man kariv. V’nomar: Amen.

-- Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:18 pm --

ps. the Mi Shebeirach is for your whole system x
Grace (host) Mo (protector) Peter (child) Elspeth (child) Midnight (unkown) Shadow (fragment, grief holder, toddler)
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Re: More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

Postby Zor » Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:25 pm

MeMyselfMaureen wrote:Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch .

Mi Shebeirach avoteinu v’imoteinu,
Avraham, Yitzchak v’Yaakov, Sarah, Rivkah,
Rachel v’Lei-ah, hu y’vareich et hacholim
Zor, Pixie. HaKadosh Baruch Hu yimalei
rachamim aleihem, l’hachalimam ul’rapotam
ul’hachazikam, v’yishlach lahem m’heirah
r’fuah, r’fuah shleimah min hashamayim,
r’fuat hanefesh ur’fuat haguf, hashta
baagala uviz’man kariv. V’nomar: Amen.

-- Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:18 pm --

ps. the Mi Shebeirach is for your whole system x



Todah rabah. Thank you very much for that blessing. It means a lot to us.

Are you celebrating/observing the holy days? We are preparing for the fast this evening, for a prayer service to begin Yom Kippur.

Kaleb
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Re: More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

Postby MakersDozn » Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:33 pm

(continued TW for religious observance)

We're kind of outliers when it comes to such things. The holy days were nominally part of our upbringing, but only so far as our father was observant, but our mother wasn't. Our father deferred to our mother, so we ended up non-observant.

As an adult, we have mixed feelings about this. :?

That being said, we send positive wishes to everyone who's observing. And to Zor's system, we hope your nightmares end soon.

MDs
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 57f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity (25), Mary (23), Laura (17.5), Allegra (17), Cass (17)
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Re: More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

Postby Zor » Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:49 pm

MakersDozn wrote:(continued TW for religious observance)

We're kind of outliers when it comes to such things. The holy days were nominally part of our upbringing, but only so far as our father was observant, but our mother wasn't. Our father deferred to our mother, so we ended up non-observant.

As an adult, we have mixed feelings about this. :?

That being said, we send positive wishes to everyone who's observing. And to Zor's system, we hope your nightmares end soon.

MDs



Trigger warning (religious discussion, cont'd)
My family is Messianic- we follow Messianic Judaism and were the provocation for Zor to investigate these beliefs and his are shifted more our way than the mainstream non-denominational Christianity he was raised in.

Our system has a wide range of beliefs- myself and my wife (Kitten) follow my faith, as does my sister Katya. Her husband, Noah, is Orthodox.

Pixie and Angel are non-denominational Christian, some leanings (participatory) towards our faith for unity with us, but not firm set in it as we are.

Chloe (Angel's little sister) is purely mainstream non-denominational.

Satin and Charles are married, are Roman Catholic. As is Charles' sister Emily.

We cover a wide range among us... Interestingly, no one in Zor's external family is Jewish or has any connection to Judaism that we're aware of... and no one was ever Catholic after his grandparents non-practicing status (but he was not raised near them and rarely saw them- a handful of times over his entire life until they passed away).

Speaking of religious observance, we need to go so we can shower soon to prepare for this evening's service. :) Have a wonderful and blessed night everyone.
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Re: More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

Postby MeMyselfMaureen » Tue Oct 08, 2019 10:10 pm

TW religeous continued some SA

We were brought up Scotish Breathren (think wee frees on steroids,only a select few go to heaven, women are not human until the menopause etc) thanks to their peodophilic predestination scapegoting crap we are what we are.....

When I (Mo) started to Host I threw that crap in the bucket. Thanks to my dad who moved us out of the county to escape the cults clutches if he hadnt I wouldnt have had the chance to change.

I experimented with most major religeons and am now agnostic.

Grace converted to catholasism after we married hubby (who is a catholic). We are gearing up for All souls (a 3 day festival for the dead) and a pilgramage for the unknown dead in November.

Our current priest is ex church of scotland and very down to earth. Most of his sermons are love one and other and coming to church isnt worth dick if you dont act like a decent person when you leave.

Peter is currently stuck in our breathren past. I'm hoping to wean him onto catholasism because of the parish we are in now. Worshiping a loving god rather than one who will hapilly burn a little boy in hell for being the victim of peodphillia has got to be an improvement.

TW ends

I respect all religions that respect people.

Have a good service.

Mo
Grace (host) Mo (protector) Peter (child) Elspeth (child) Midnight (unkown) Shadow (fragment, grief holder, toddler)
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