[life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Hi ArbreMonde,

That's a lot a realizations to be dealing with. I hope you can do some self-care.

Good news about the workman!

--the Gang

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Hi ArbreMonde,

That's a lot a realizations to be dealing with. I hope you can do some self-care.

Good news about the workman!

--the Gang

We agree! Congrats, ArbreMonde folks!

MDs

This is a repost to keep track of things all in one place.

Lust in another topic wrote:♥ One of the relationship I/we have been trapped in, involved a guy who pretended to "help" us and "heal" us and "save" us.


***************************TW : abuses of all sorts*************************











♥ All he did was: manipulate us - especially me, triggering me into fronting - into behaving the way he thought would mean "healing". Refusing to allow us to express our "bad" emotions (such as, being angry at our past abusers, beind depressed because of the trauma, being stressed because of autistic overload), to engage into "bad" activities (liking Pokémon games, liking Tamagotchi ((he even searched our bag for our Tamagotchi and "confiscated" it until the battery died)), liking "true crime" shows ((he would yell at us for watching them)), liking unicorns ((he even had us throw away some of our unicorn plushies)) etc.), to have difficulties engaging into "adult activities" (driving is hellish because of autistic overloads, cooking is difficult because of dyspraxia and lack of parental teaching into cooking, a lot of us don't like to have sex ((which lead to him raping us almost on a daily basis while making us feel guilty for "forcing him to rape us")) ).

♥ He was angry that we needed an outside therapist and would calculate our respective shares of participating into the paying of rent, food etc. without accounting for the therapist payments, meaning that we could never buy ourselves nice things because we were out of money at the end of the months - making us dependend on him and his willingness to give us presents, in order to have clothes or shoes or furnitures or paying the cat's vet bill.

♥ Each time we showed signs of not being perfectly 200% happy about being with him, he would be abusive in all sorts of way, including guilt-tripping us for feeling bad or having trauma. He sometimes became physically violent if we reminded him of our past traumas. He abused us when we made our transgender coming-out.

♥ But when talking with people outside of the relationship, his point of view always was (and I'm sure it still is) that he was doing his best to help me/us get better, and I/we were abusively unwilling to get better and abusively refusing sex to him and abusively making him pay for our clothes. He also "punished" us for seeing his car had a flat, by making us pay for the tire replacement, as if noticing the flat was the same thing as creating the flat.

♥ He went as far as keeping our meds away from us because "if you keep taking them you'll become addicted" or "if you take more than 3 meds per day it means you're just as sick as having AIDS and obviously you are NOT as sick as AIDS therefore you have to pick 2 of the 3 but you cannot take all 3" (he included "vitamin supplements" and "painkillers when the periods are so bad I'm waking up in the middle of the night crying out of pain" in the "3 pills a day" count).












********************END TW************************************************

& Not doing okay lately. The volunteer T at the social centre, who we thought would give us hints on who in our area can give DID treatment, disappointed us.

& We had a list of all our DID symptoms, written by 3 of us with 3 different writings. For him these are "just symptoms" and he refuses to hint towards a diagnosis because "diagnosis trap people in a sickness" and he refuses to hint towards non-analysts because "behavioral therapies brainwash people into a fake normal" and "does not heal long term".

& That, plus the central heater not working while the temps are freezing outside, and we are exhausted all the time, and get cramps, and bad eating behaviors, and we cannot keep up with cleaning the house, and I don't know where we can find a medic to fill in the papers for the disability center. I mean, the social centre volunteer T cannot do it, and our medic-T just fills in the paper as if we were fully able - despite us repeating that "No, this is difficult to do, this we cannot..." she just crosses straight A's everywhere. No wonder the disability centre took money from us. As to now, it's been one year struggling to try to get our money back. It's getting old.

& We're tired of explicitely asking for help and having the "T" in front of us just go "Hum, interesting... No, I do not do that, this is bad therapy, you know?"

& It's disappointing. We're feeling desperate right now.

__
Urielle

-- We had a lot of breakthroughs and things like that lately but... Every time we want to write them down, we dissociate and forget them. It is so frustrating!

-- On the happy sides, we solved the VPN/streaming issue by switching browser. We own a kilt now and it's just the BEST. CLOTHING. ITEM. EVEEEER!!! It's warm, allows for freedom of movement, is masc enough for the guys, fem enough for the girl, queer enough for the embies. We also have an appointment to design the kitchen (after a whole year of camping in our own appartment xD) and in two months, it'll be there, settled, and we'll start doing the walls too! Then the only thing left to do will be dealing with the insurance about the damages from the workman. And finishing to re-do the big piece of furniture so that we can finally open the last half of the boxes from moving in. With the dissociation and AD(H)D we're going to open them like it's Xmas and be surprised by what we own xD

-- . . . Okay I wanted to write more but my brain went away and 3 hours have passed... Something about mental health, dealing with trauma, I HAD it right there! But it's gone. Again. It's like all I can focus on is "I have a kilt it looks so good it looks so queer and it's trans-friendly because the traditional answer to What do you have under your kilt? is Legs and socks!"

-- We dissociate a lot during sleep too, lots of sleep avoidance, then we cannot get up in the morning and sleep until noon... And are so tired all day long, and slip in bed circa 7 or 8 PM, and stay here reading and stuff and avoiding sleep for hours... It's so annoying.

-- Also found fragments that surface for short instants now and then, they identify with the gender assigned at birth and even with the deadname, it's very uncomfortable. Feels like the whole trans thing is illegitimate... That transitionning is a mistake... But it feels so good to transition! It cannot be fake if it feels so good!

-- Still looking for a T that knows DID. Been searching nation-wide. The T that know about DID and have the knowledge to diagnose DID are very few, most of them are in the capital city, none is reachable for us. Others T refuse to take DID patients because they dont have DID knowledge. It's just... are we a forking joke? In our country, most Ts think that DID is not real anyway... Good thing we are mostly functional because otherwise we sould be "treated" for something else than DID like psychosis or bipolar... which is very bad to recieve meds that are for another condition than the one we have. It delays healing and can cause even worse damages than trauma did.

-- This is exhausting. Nobody wants to take a DID person in, even the many trauma specialists in my town refuse to touch DID with a 6 feet pole! Okay, better to say "No sorry" than to try to take care of something you have no knowledge of, but still... It's like DID does not exist in my country. Yet again, most docs also think autism does not exist and dont want to hear anything about it sooo... *shrug* I guess the problem is the history of mental health care in my country and its focus on psychoanalysis and Freud and Lacan like nothing else matters. A T we contacted even told us right into our nose that neurosciences dont exist and that "symptoms are just symptoms" and that it's impossible to know what a symptom means and how the brain works. Made me want to shove into his nose the many medical papers about the link between a shrunk hyppocampus and trauma and dissociation.

-- But, no. Apparently the DID symptoms are "just symptoms" and it's impossible to link them with past trauma or any brain scan or even DID. What a pile of bullshirt.

-- We have a lot of sleep avoidance and it makes us so exhausted... We dissociate when we avoid sleep, found new game apps on the phone, games that we used to play when younger (such as Spider Solitaire or Klondike) and it's linked with feelings of having the gender and name of when younger so, maybe trauma fragments are coming to the surface? And since sleeping was dangerous when we were younger, they dont want to sleep.

-- We need to find something to deal with them. To help them sleep or at least feel safe at night. Maybe just get up, get dressed, do something active (brew some soothing herbal tea or hot cocoa, read new books that we did not know existed when we were young), turn on the lights, see that it's here and now instead of there and then.

-- Took me the whole day to write this post... I'm tired of being exhausted. We need to solve the sleep avoidance issue once and for all.

__
Zami