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[life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun May 14, 2023 1:37 pm

It fels a bit weird to have nothing to talk about. All is well. Even the bad stuff do not seem bad enough to talk about. They are just "meh".

It has been decided that my father would come visit me someday during his summer vacations, in order to bring me some books and other memorabilia from my grandmother, because it is more convenient for him to do so rather than mail me a 30kg parcel through the post.

I am a bit anxious because it would be the first time seeing him post transition (last time he saw me I was an obese woman in trousers, now I am a fit bearded man in a kilt, talk about change!) but I am also confident enough to be able to redirect the conversation or assert boundaries. I am confident enough in my ability to refuse his judgments, to refuse to hear his usual complaints about me and his victimization. I am confident enough to simply say "I refuse to talk about this" or "Listening to someone is supposed to go both ways, I refuse to hear you unless you first make the effort to understand me" or simply "By the way, how is the weather at home? What is the last book you read? What did you think of the latest Star Wars?"

I also plan on showing that it's not convenient to stay at my place since I only have one chair so he cannot overstay his welcome, and if we meet outside it would be easier for me to disengage from a conversation in a public space rather than having to show him the door.

So, here I am. I feel unphazed at the idea of seeing my father again. More or less unphazed. I feel comfident enough to refuse to take on his emotions, to remind him that his emotions are his own and his to manage, not my job. That if he has emotions about me it tells more about him than about me. That if he feels frustrated and angry that his almost 40 years old child is an independant being with a mind of their own, that tells more about his own childish mind that about my adult way of living my own life for myself and me and I.

I'm not selfish, I just have my "locus of control" (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control) inside of me. That's all.
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun May 28, 2023 1:30 pm

Finally, seeing my father at the end of june is more upsetting than I thought. I know it's okay and logical to be upset but it still is upsetting. My lover has been very patiennt about it, probing me from time to time because she was aware I was oystering up untill I was ready to spill the beans. It was painful to talk about it yet it felt good afterwards. I still spend a lot of time thinking about all the things that could happen with my father, all the things he could say that he used to tell me in the past, but I feel more and more confident about ignoring him or redirecting the conversation or pointing out I never asked for his opinion or advice.

I have organized most of the kitchen. I am waiting for the last shelves to arrive. I am also decluttering most of my space, starting with what's easiest and less emotional. I have a "limbo bin" for the stuff i am unsure about donating (because emotional or "could be useful") so that it leaves me time and space to get used to do without it and see how it feels. I also re-organize my space as much as I can. There is no point in keeping things that bring me no joy or add no value to my life.

I also try to be more and more mindful to what I purchase, not because of money issues but because of clutter issues. I never thought of my space as a ressource before. Yet it IS a ressource. A valuable one. I am doing my best to manage the ADHD tendency to want to buy all the stuff (i'm not decluttering to add new clutter after all). I have re-done the online shopping cart for the kitchen ustensils and decoration for ten times the amount of time I spent in putting things inside the cart. It helped me really think about what I really need/want. I left the things I do not absolutely need right away in the "fave" list because, "stuff for later" also takes a lot of space and this space becomes cluttered and it's not nice.

Among the tricks I learnt lately is, to only fill containers and closets and drawers up to 2/3 only. So that there is enough space around it to move the items, search through them, see what we own. It DOES help!

I am motivated more and more to cook and bake and use my kitchen and it feels good. I made cookies with buckwheat and it's so delicious! (I really love buckwheat.)

I also found a nice video about how trauma and clutter can be linked (trauma-based hoarding, clutter-induced anxiety etc.) and it made me think about a lot of the reasons why I pile up clutter and react to clutter. I feel called out. It is this video of people are interested: https://youtu.be/FZwY4tAfX1A

I also managed to call all by myself to organize for getting the wallpaper in the future bedroom. I am motivated to thrift furniture and paint everythying by myself and so on but, one thing at a time, I need to keep my ADHD in check instead of buying all the stuff for a project I will never see the end of. Piling up on craft items I will never use is not a good idea at all.

And last but not least, I finally found an MRI appointment for my sacrum and tailbone issue. For info, following a bad fall in the stairs when I was 14, all my tailbones were displaced and since then, I have had tons of sciatic neve issues as well as issues with sitting, lying on my back etc. since all the tailbones have been pushed backwards and upwards. For years medics never listened to my complaints about it (their argument: because they are pushed outwards they do not impair giving birth so there is no need to do anything about it - seriously, you see a 14 y old child and the only thing you are able to tell them is "Your baby factory still works so suck it up" ???) and finally I have an MRI scan to get this checked. It's in a few months but I have my appointment wheee!
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun Jun 04, 2023 3:18 pm

So. I just had a 30 mins phone call with my parents. It was supposed to organize how my father will give me the stuff from Schrödinger Grandma. I managed to settle on a date but he'll text me later for the hour.

I had also the unpleasant surprise to discorver my mother was on speaker mode with him. At first I did not recognize her voice, she sounded so old and tired. She misgendered me once then caught herself right away and apologized. :shock: It feels like now that I'm a guy (sortof, nonbinarity is weird) and a full on adult, she is way less triggered by me therefore way less angry at me and way less agressive/abusive. Or maybe she had decided to play nice. Dunno, dont care.

Among the thousands news from Schrödinger Grandma and loosely related aunts and the thousands activities my father does daily (he sounds like a squirrel on Red Bull, I thought he was autistic but he's such an ADHD-er too! :shock: ) my mother casually told me that my father's father has retinitis pigmentosa and that I should get myself checked if I ever start to show symptoms.

After a quick search, since my father don't have any, it sounds like the X-variant of the retinitis, meaning my father's X is sane (he does not have symptoms at 60+ years old) so even if my mother was a carrier, at least one of my two X is sane and I am at very low risk. I'll start getting worried when the digital clock from the oven is no longer sufficient to light the whole kitchen at night. :mrgreen:

But gosh. She could have told me earlier, I'm almost 40, this kind of things need to be checked starting circa 20 years old.

So now I need to sit and wait until my father feels like texting me the informations he was supposed to give me today through phone call.

At least things did go "normal". Thankfully my girlfriend was here to give me a prep talk before, remind me to take my anxiety pills and debrief the whole thing afterwards.

I'm so exhausted.
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ViTheta » Mon Jun 05, 2023 1:41 pm

I hope things go well for you, though, and they aren't too bad. It's crummy that your mother was on the call too, though.

I'm glad you have someone to help you with making sure you get through those tough times with your parents.

Lilith.
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Threads https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221125.html https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221263.html
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby Eliseahorse » Thu Jun 08, 2023 6:33 am

Sounds like you are realy getting onto of the hoarding. That is a big step well done !
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby TheTriForce » Mon Jun 12, 2023 2:30 pm

Hope things go well with your father. Noticed on your signature you've changed it to 'recovered from DID' .....does this mean all your alters have integrated completely with you now?
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue Jun 13, 2023 5:09 am

It means the level of dissociation is very low, I have close to no dissociative amnesia (more like a bit of avoidance still left on the things with very intense emotions but nothing too problematic), my ressources are shared among all my parts, the communication is so much on-point that it's instantaneous I do not need my parts to talk between each-others in order to communicate. I retain some separatedness of identity but everything else is fully integrated into me. I can "look inside of me" to see my parts interact if I want a detailed account but I can function without doing that. When I experience identity shifts my sense of self remains continuous and the access to my emotions, ressources etc. remains the same.

It's a weird form of functional multiplicity.
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby TheTriForce » Tue Jun 13, 2023 12:35 pm

ArbreMonde wrote: I can "look inside of me" to see my parts interact if I want a detailed account but I can function without doing that.



Yes I find I can do this also now Yuna' (made up of Teen S and various smaller teen fragments) has blended with me. Our communication is much better but there is still a division between the group that don't want to integrate full-time and prefer life on the inside and the one's who live in the outside world.
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Thu Jun 15, 2023 6:30 am

I keep organizing and decluttering my appartment. The amount of stuff I keep without needing it is appaling. I also threw away a lot of papers, including old cards and letters. I realized most of my grandmother's letters are subtly insulting and the cards from the rest of the family are dismissive of my existence. I found birthday cards addressed to me but full of messages for my parents and brother. Cards labelled for an event and repurposed for another event (such as "Merry Christmas" in a birthday card or "Congratulations for you Bachelor's Degree" in a baby card). I found cards with nothing written in them, just the signature of the person who gave it. Yikes.

I also found old pictures of child-me. I used to picture child-me as this ugly detastable thing, due to all the bullying. I used to be a cute child. I'm glad I found the pictures so I can set things straight again. I was a cute child, not the horrible monstrosity people bullied me into believing I was.

My father called me "to organize when we meet in a couple weeks". Turns out it was a 30 mins chit-chat with the phone on speaker monde and my mother next to him. I feel betrayed. There is nothing to hope from him.

From any of them.

No wonder I was so dissociated, the way they constantly treated me, gaslit me, dismissed me, bullied me. And it was supposed to be love!
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Mon Jun 26, 2023 3:29 pm

I saw my father last saturday. It went kinda okay. The only bad taste joke he made was about how "natural selection" was getting rid of autistic people due to the amount of heavy comorbidities like EDS.

I was left very confused as to how he can be both a nice (if not very interesting) dude to talk with dude-to-dude, and a child abuser towads the little girl I used to be.

He proposed to add me to the family Whatsapp group I refused. I also half-refused that he brings my mother with him next time. (I repeated "we will see" many times with a firm voice so he would stop suggesting this.)

Now I need to keep a nice balance with mourning the nice dad he could have been but never was, and avoid gaslighting myself into thinking all the past abuse and trauma was mere misunderstanding on my part.

There is no misunderstanding the fact that I suffered, no matter his intentions. He never apologized but rather in the past asked me to apologize and see his point of view.
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