[life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Lots of things have happened, good and bad. I'll start with the good stuff.

I am reaching higher and higher levels of integration. The more I accept that it is ok to feel sad, or angry, or other unpleasant emotions, the more whole I feel. I have less and less dreams in which I am one alter, more and more dreams in which I have the shape of the body, the identity of the body, and can sometimes transphorm temporarily into one alter if needed.

I also dream less and less about my past and when I do, I realize during the dream that it's a dream, it's in the past, I have no business doing this or going there because I live in the present now. So, that's progress too.

So-so news, I kinda want to go back to the Discord group I left a few weeks ago but when I really think about the rationality behind it, it makes no sense. The people are nice but the moderation team is not able to keep me safe, quite the opposite. So I have no business going there. What hurts the most is that the only members that seemed to care about me were the newest ones. The ones I have known for years do not seem to care. That hurts.

I also have no news for the kitchen, they were supposed to call me to organize the proper work, I had to send reminder emails. No news from the lawyer despite my emails and phonecalls. I manage to keep trying though so it's not such a bad new.

For the bad news, I have faced a lot of transphobia lately especially today. One taxi-bus driver kept misgendering me while aknowledging my masculine gender whenever I reminded her. One old lady I sometimes come across in the streets keeps calling me names like "perv" because I wear a kilt. My mother keeps looting my grandma while being angry at her for being depressed and, basically, showing visible signs of being close to the end. Mother acts like there is a timeline for emptying grandma's appartment and I hate that.

i'm sorry to hear that some people are misgendering you. :/ Some people I feel don't realize their politics is hurting real people.
great to hear though how you are integrating more and more. I am glad you have been able to safely feel your feelings.
Hm sad also to hear about the discord and how older people are not being nice also. I don't know whether it's better to stay or leave, but i have left discords before and know it can be very hard and sad.

I am sorry to hear that you are facing so much transphobia right now. It seems we're the punching bag du jour lately and it's getting upsetting. I also hate that your mother seems to be looting your grandmother's place already.

I have to admit that I find it hard to sometimes comprehend the issue of emotions. At some level I know that I (Vi) experience all the sorts of emotions, but the others feel them in different portions. I guess at some level I also know that they are all 'my' emotions, but that is probably the intellectual aspect speaking and not the emotional. I'm not sure if any of that made sense. I am glad that you are getting passed the trauma and doing so much better.

Take care,
Vi

It took me some time to sit down and write about it. I don't know why but it feels less and less important to journal about the changes happening. It feels like I am getting used to getting better to the point that the novelty wears off. I don't know if it's a good thing or not.

Therapist appointment

We chatted about my symptoms, I don't fit in the DID label anymore and it's a good thing. At first my T was kinda on the edge about this, because some people get distressed when they have to switch labels. I'm glad that my dissociation seems low enough that I no longer qualify for a DID diagnosis. I still have traumas to heal, I am still aware of myself existing as many facets with very different aspects and names, but I am coherent inside, I have less than 5 mins a day of explicit communication between parts because everything happens instantly thanks to integration. I no longer thinks "This happened to X" but rather "Oh right, this happened to me, but it was so long ago it felt like another life" but like, I really feel it happened to me-me instead of knowing without feeling. I will keep the scars of DID all my life probably, just like a broken bone keeps the scars from the healing. But it's a scar, not a wound. The wound is healed.

She used a nice metaphor to talk about all the emotions that resurface when one is triggered. She compares this to a vase where difficult emotions are stored. The vase needs to be emptied through healing and integration, else, all its past content gets reactivated when new stuff is put inside. Hence why odd emotions can happen when a present situation reminds of a past one.

We also talked about the nasty old lady who said nasty things about me because of my kilt. We discussed how I could react in an adapted, non-conflicting way and she proposed asking a question. But instead of "Why do you say this?" which might make her defensive, rather something like "Where did you learn these things?". And I have to admit I LOVE this option. Still have not had the occasion of trying it out but I'm going to use it all the time when people accuse me of stupid stuff.


Stupid triggering false stuff about DID, jump to next title if you want to avoid

I have reposted a few articles about DID therapy on my Instagram lately and I got a comment telling me that I was spreading "nonsense" because "DID is like AIDS" and "cannot be healed". It felt super triggering for me for many reasons.

One, the person falsely accuses me of lying which is very triggering for me. Two, the person denies science and facts which is also very triggering for me. Three, the person encourages to give up on getting better, to give up all form of hope and to passively accept the suffering without doing anything to ease it up. Four, the comparison with a contagious disease is completely effed-up.

I could not answer to the person because they blocked me from messaging them or answering to their comments which is another layer of mess to the whole pile. It is sad. Most of the french-speaking online communities harbor similar points of view regarding DID therapy. And here I am, walking towards final fusion without even meaning to, feeling kinda like a fraud because if I am able to heal, from their point of view it means I never really had DID in the first place. Which is just as stupid as saying someone's healed broken leg was "fake broken" since it was able to heal, or that it "cannot be healed" because a healed wound leaves a visible scar.

People are stupid. Deer God help me. People are so stupid.


Random stuff I am proud of

Now ont to more positive stuff!!

I managed to go pick up the paintings that I still had at the old association for disabled people which I left last summer due to tons of reasons. There are only very few people going at the painting activity this year, to the point that the animator was knitting to keep herself busy. It was odd.

I told off some catcallers. Told one to shut the fudge up after he told racist stuff to a woman of color. Others tried to tease me, I told them to leave me alone and since they kept catcalling me and also every woman in view, I notified the store they were seated in front off and the store clerck told the store security to make them go away. I guess that BeardedDudeBro (me) reacting to catcalling was seen as the sign the catcalling was very bad to the opposite of "regular, acceptable catcalling" which is "not bad enough" to make men react to it. I feel like a secret agent working to protect women.

I managed to spend almost one hour looking to book a MRI scan for a random stuff that I need to get checked eventually, but the MRI machines are all booked up untill this summer and I need to call back again in a few months. Dang. I still managed to stay on a waiting phone line for more than 30 mins while I usually hang up after 10-15 mins. Which is nice to see I managed to wait that long.

I am also super happy to announced I mailed the papers for the pre-surgery-appointment for bottom surgery and that I was almost two months earlier than the deadline instead of mailing stuff like 5 days after the deadline. So proud of myself!

AND THE KITCHEN!!!! I'll finally have the proper work be done during the week after Easter. FINALLYYYY WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

It's great to hear that you've made so much progress that you no longer fit the criteria for DID. Also glad you're finally getting your kitchen sorted! I hope things continue to go well for you.

Kitchen news

The kitchen work has officially started and gosh the ups and downs and plot twists! I had to find an electrician last minute, but the furniture guy did not know the dates (the walls guy needed to organize everything and didnt do it properly) so I also needed to re-book furniture guy last-minute. I also almost missed on the wallpaper I choose but walls guy found just enough in some storage place somewhere.

Now I have no kitchen (it was removed) and I discover how much autism and ADHD make it complicated for me to adapt to having everything everywhere in the appartment, and my habits thrown out the window. Just getting ready in the morning is exhausting, making coffee feels like a 3-books-long quest because I gotta get the water in the bathroom, wash everything in the bathroom, but the electric cooking stove is set up elsewhere and the fridge again elsewhere...

I cut myself some slack, stocked up fruits and pre-made meals (salads, sandwiches...) and I'll just do the bare minimum untill the kitchen is back online.


Integration is weird and it's good

Integration is weird. I spent most of my life as a chaotic mess of many identities and so many dissociated parts. Now everything is quiet inside, even when I feel stressed out. I can apply to myself the support that I used to be unable to give myself. So I no longer need to be split into a caregiver part and a suffering part, I can be together self-caring and suffering at the same time.

That is just soooo weiiiiird. And pleasant. But weird. Every other day I realize more and more that I have the abilities to care for myself and also that I have limits (disabled etc) and that it's okay I'll just do that tomorrow, just keep swimming.



Because I am more integrated, I see better what I am able to do and I also am better able to stuck two different abilities together to make a bigger, third ability. And I'm just staring in awe at my own abilities to do the things. I manage more complex things that take more time.

I also started following a YouTube channel about ADHD and it helped me a lot in getting organized better. It's called "How to ADHD" for the people interested - be warned they can contain commercial links because, the creators of the channel gotta eat one way or another. The YouTube content is free to watch though.


Realizations about my exes

The more I heal from my wounds, the more I realize how my exes were abusing me because themselves had been abused in the past. They were repeating their own, unresolved traumas. Sometimes it was a re-enacting of their own traumas, sometimes they were projecting their abuser onto me and getting revenge from their abuser... on me.

I have compassion for their own traumas and suffering. I also have enough compassion for myself that I know it's best for me to stay away and certainly not my responsibility to heal them. I gave them hints back then, they did not pick the hints up, their loss.

Kitchen : finally functionnal

Two years after my first steps into designing my kitchen, I finally, finally have a functional, real kitchen for the first time of my life. I still need to get used to having proper cooking appliances.

So far I really love the dishes-washer because it cleans way better than I can do by hand: all my tea stained cups are like new! I also love that my cooking stove has a built-in chronometer, meaning that I can program it to stop automatically. Very ADHD friendly. I need to get used to having an oven still. Well, one thing at a time. I think I'll make home-made bread and home-made "matefaims" (middle-ages recipe I learnt from watching a documentary about middle-ages cooking, basically they are poultry and pork spiced meatballs, you boil them in beef stew for a couple of minutes so they stay in shape, then throw them into the oven topped with cheese to finish cooking).




Lawyer for the kitchen

She called me before I even had breakfast and coffee yet I still managed to answer. We had a quick chat about what kind of procedure to undertake, then she gave me the number of another lawyer more specialized than she is. I managed to call this other lawyer the same day (after my coffee this time) and now we have an appointment to see through all the documentation I have.


Integration

I managed to integrate another fragment that was so alienated I had thought it was an NPC. Now my inner "integrat-o-meter" says "98-99% integration complete". I am still experiencing identity fluctuations but it's okay, it's my "normal". I am many shapes of "me" and it's okay.


T app

During my latest T app, I had so many positive things to tell her that she had to cut me off before the end of my list because there was not enough time for all of them. That was a first.


Discovering new flavours of old triggers - content warning mension of child sex abuse



During the 2000-2010 it was "fashionable" to have toxic and abusive relationships in children's and young adults' books. So much so that some turned into very popular "adult fiction" book and are sold by millions (*cough* 50 shades *cough*).

One of the most popular french "young adult" sagas of back then is full of those things, with the specificities that they are oriented towards grooming the readers towards CSA. They were sold by millions, are still popular nowadays. Another specificity of these books is that they are a written version of "hypnotic speech" meaning that the way the books are written triggers a hypnosis state, turning off any sense of rationality and any mental defense, so that the awful subtext can be imprinted into the brain of the reader.

The author used to be a teacher at primary school and his old interviews all say that he used to make his students read and study his texts.

Hypnotic, CSA grooming texts, read to children he had an easy access to.

His litterature is so powerful in doing so that all the people I talked to and read the out-of-context quotes to, denied strongly it was in the books and kept telling me that I was making stuff up. Or straight up told me that I was "misunderstanding". How can you misunderstand whole scenes of abuse? The only people who seem to understand the subtext without dissociating it are, ironically, DID people on their quest towards healing. Because they have both the sensitivity to the meaning of the text and the grounding tools to fight back the hypnotic speech.

I feel like I stepped outside of Plato's cave and dang, it hurts. And it is terrifying.

Congratulations on your working kitchen!! Can't believe how long you had to put up with that disaster.

I hope the lawyer can help you with the whole mess, but glad that at least the kitchen itself is working now.

The other progress sounds good also!

--the Gang

It's wonderful that you finally have a working kitchen, and that you've made such a strong amount of progress with integration.

Take care of yourself.
Vi

I'm glad you finally got your kitchen! Good work with the Integration