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[life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby TheTriForce » Thu Nov 10, 2022 9:25 am

Sounds like you are also doing a deep organisation of your system and why things 'came about'. I am feeling now like I can now look back and see what happened and why, but at the time it felt so disorientating and made no sense!

I can see how others further back in the past were 'past me's' but Kit is still very separate and real in the 'here and now' and a very different 'me'. She has evolved and grown from where she was but is still a very different person to this 'Jay-self' I feel the bodies age is MY age, but maybe I am just a 'new social mask' and Kit is the truer 'representation of self'?
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun Nov 20, 2022 3:01 pm

Rollcall

It is about time I do a little rollcall because a lot of things have changed inside.

Morwan: me.
Uriel: me.
Ulysses: me, almost completely.
Lust: asleep.
David: me, except for a tiny bit re-parenting Pride.
Pride: me but also not me.
Theia: not me, re-parenting Pride.
Reyna: is Ulysses.
Isaïa: me, somewhat, but also not me.
Envy: me.
Hohenheim: me.
Trisha: is Theia.
Ghosty: half me half not me.
Zami: most of them is me, a tiny independant bit remains.

I almost forgot most of my parts because of how "me" they feel now. WOW. Things changed so fast in a year!


Therapeutic NaNoWriMo

So, I have been re-writing a story I like for my NaNoWriMo project of this year. There is a lot of dissociation subtext in it, as well as a lot to "correct" in the interactions between the characters. As an example, the main character reacts in a dissociated/BPD way most of the time without realizing how hurtful she can be, while the other, adult characters do not react. There are some shippings with a cringely huge age gap, some fatphobia here and there, some systemic/unconscious racist tropes even though some of the main cast are dark skinned.

So I took upon myself to fix all of these details. Gave healthy relationships to the characters. Transed some genders too (one of the warriors has a huge chest scar which I decided would be his torsoplasty scar).

In a way it is therapeutic. In the misguided reactions of the characters I can reflect upon my own misguided actions and reactions. By correcting the characters' reactions I can learn how to engage into new, healthier behaviors.

Writing about the dissociated and traumatic and agressive emotions of the characters also helps me process my own intense emotions. It teaches me to remain grounded instead of getting triggered because I tap too deep into my own emotions to write about the characters'. It is a very interesting exercise.


Therapist appointment

I had a therapist appointment this week. I talked about, among other things, how I feel like the dog to whom leftovers are thrown whenever my parents give me money "because they did something for my brother". I explained how becoming aware of the "dog being thrown leftovers" feelings made me reconsider a lot of things in my life.

She then explained that it is up to me to decide how I react to my parents' messages. I can try to flee from them or attack back in self defense, but both these actions keep me within the "shooting range" of the text message. But if I "side step" from the line of sight, I can observe the situation from a new angle, stop being wounded by it, and react in a way that will break the cycle.

I wanted to do some eye movement integration exercises about this but her words were the last nudge I needed in this regard.

It also made me realize how my parents' "love language" is "giving money" and "spending money on the person": they refused to give me promised money if they were displeased with me, always gave the smallest gifts (or none at all) to me and the biggest to my brother, even on my birthday. They keep doing it nowadays and whenever they purchase their own peace of mind by sending me money because they went on a spree for my brother, they make sure I understand they do it only because they do not want to be seen as bad parents. Such as, "we give it to you only because we gave more to your brother" and the like.

Realizing that's how they show love and how much they love someone, also made me realize why I am always anxious about sending/giving stuff to the people I am "supposed to like best". Which in turn made me realize how ridiculous this is, because there are many other ways of showing love, and it should be done because I want it and not because I "should" be doing it. It also made me realize why I have so much trouble spending money on myself: I have issues with self-love.

But I am doing better. I went on a Xmas shopping spree, let Pride decide over what he/we wanted, made a big surprise box full of chocolate stuff, the one like in the movies with the bow on top and you just remove the lid to open it. In the past years we never wrapped our own Xmas presents. This year we did. It feels good.

We have a Xmas present to open and it will be a good one.

I love being me!
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby TheTriForce » Sun Nov 20, 2022 8:46 pm

It's interesting that all your alters are versions of you now? Our system seems to be a mix ..some clearly are past me's but some are clearly 'introjects' of fiction characters such as 'Spock' or of loved ones that have since passed in the real world...so clearly a 'version of someone else'.

Hope Pride enjoys their xmas gifts :D
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue Nov 22, 2022 6:23 pm

That's the weirdest part: most of my alters still are fictive introjections or mythological creatures, but in the same time they feel like "me" and it's just weird but in a nice way. I dont know how else to describe this feeling. "Weird in a nice way".
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Thu Nov 24, 2022 6:40 pm

A lot of things happened in a few days. I just want things to slow down so I can crawl in bed with a book and tea and my cat and hide there.


E-mail from C

I got an e-mail from C, an ex friend of my first ex. It had been like, what, 10 years since I last exhanged with him. I was a bit freaking out by what he could possibly want from me. Turns out, he wanted to apologize for being such an a-hole with me. He had learnt, with time, what it means for somebody to be neurodivergent, had met ND people, learnt to interact with them, realized he was an a-hole with me and apologized for that.

I was flabberghasted. I managed to answer "Thanks, apologies accepted" though.

The whole thing was weird. I am still a bit confused but well, at least he had the maturity to apologize even if 10 years later. I'm still waiting on an apology from a lot of other people. Though he's the last one I would have imagined being mature enough to do this. Time does change people.


Apppointments for the kitchen

I spent more than one hour with my social worker the other day, placing appointments related to the kitchen issue: wall repair workers, different law people, and the like. I will also need to decide over where to take the whole issue (there are two different courts for two different kinds of issues leading to two different kinds of outcome, basically one only gives small fees and the other one gives big fees and sometimes prison time). I'll think it over later. I have other issues at hand, namely...


Hating my mother

I am so pissed that I was surprised to shake dandruff from my hair rather than salt.

Rewind time.

My grandmother (mother's mother) is at the hospital since a few weeks. Mother said she was "tired" and did not explain anything else. Now today she sends me a text telling me that grandma is dying and that I have "the right to ask questions".

I was like, da fork? So I asked what was going on. Is she just, old and at her end or is there something else?

Lo and behold, she explained that grandma had been sick with a deadly, antibiotic-reistant infection for TEN FORKING DAYS and that she is now on her FOURTH OR FIFTH DAY of "infinite end of life painkillers" and the nurse said this morning she might kick the bucket any moment now.

I almost turned into a salt-breathing dragon on my mother but I calmly answered something like, thank you for telling me but I would have appreciated knowing earlier about her sickness.

To which my mother answered with a rambling about how it was so sudden, she only got the last medical results today, she could not know it was that bad, she had been talking to grandma on the phone twice a day for the past month...

I gave up trying to make her understand that I would have liked to know daily how her sickness was progressing. She had been on antibiotics for days. I don't care that her latest scan results only came back yesterday, she had been sick for more than a week!

But, that's how mother is. Unable to understand that people cannot know what she knows just because she knows it. Unable to give the proper informations and always angry when people cannot guess what's in her mind.

Now I am faced with complicated emotions. I want to be there for the funeral (okay she's not passed yet to my knowledge but it's going to be soon). I want to be here to empty her appartment and sort out her stuff and decide what to do with everything. I want to be here to pick up some memorabilia for myself. But I cannot face my family, not alone. Grandma's place is too far from any place my lover could drive to, there is no public transportation to go there either, I do not know anyone who could come with me cross-country outside of my family which I do NOT want to be alone with. I also know that if I ask for the one thing I would like to keep as a memorabilia, I will be called names. But if I ask for nothing I will get nothing. After all, I never got anything from the previous deaths in the family while my brother and the rest of the family got a lot of memorabilia.

This grandma is (was) the member of the family towads whom I have (had) the strongest attachment. Still it was complicated as you might expect from my family. Mother would punish me for being attached towards her but also would punish me if I was too cold with grandma (for fear of being punished). Grandma was the one person I felt safe with still she would be enabling towards some of my abusers. When I started talking to her about my transition (name change) she accused me of having entered a cult.

So, welp, it's complicated. But I still would like to keep as a memorabilia the ragdoll in display in one of her many display cases. It is to my eyes the most emblematic item I think of when I think about her. Will I dare ask for it? I don't know yet. I just want to spit salt.

Good new is, I did not over-eat too much from the strong emotions and my lover is helping me keeping anchored and some friends are here too through chat to give me space to vent with all the nasty words and gifs I want. Which helps a lot to keep things in check.


Positive things to mourn

I have, atop of all of this, memories from the good stuff with my first ex that are resurfacing. I miss the few good things. I am slowly healing from the bad ones so now I need to mourn the good ones that are gone forever too.

Which makes me realize that the "good thing" I miss is basically, using my ex as a hot water bottle in bed in winter. Wow. If it's the only good thing I remember from our time together, it means we really had an empty relationship.

I am very lucky that my girlfriend is very understanding with this. It helps a lot. She is the best things that ever happened to me.
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ViTheta » Thu Nov 24, 2022 9:43 pm

Arbremonde-

I'm glad that he matured enough to apologize. It would be wonderful if things like that happened more often.

I am sorry that your grandmother is so sick. I wish there was some way better for you to be able to get a few things to remember her by, and I hope you find a solution that will work. That your mother was unwilling to let you know sooner of her condition is disheartening.

Take care of yourself,
Vi.
Autistic, DID, trans feminine.
System of twenty. Umbrella/System name Theta
Host: Violette. Alters active on forum: Pippa, Beth, Angel
Introductory thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221125.html
Journey thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221263.html
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Thu Dec 01, 2022 1:15 pm

The electricity shutdown will start in my country as soon as the temperatures will become cold. So it beings. The end of the world as I used to know it, with all the comfort and safety and stuff. (I am a little overdramatic and aware of it.)

One of my best friends' son has been in and out of the hospital for months. I am doing my best to support her without geetting too involved. I cannot do a thing for her son but I can help her remain balanced and healthy which in turn could help her son become more stable through some sort of ripple effect.

Another friend has been evicted from her appartment by her ex-fiancé, which is another challenge for me to support her without getting so involved that I am overwhelmed. Good thing is, she also knows how to respect other people's limits and does not ask for more that I can do for her (namely, moral support and sharing all the info I know of that could help her).

My girlfriend is also learning to face some of her own challenges while helping me through mine. Sometimes I just cannot believe how we manage our own issues just by laying on each-other. How? Just, how can it work? Getting better together instead of dragging each-other down? I guess it is because we constantly remind each-other to do the self-care and take the meds and do the therapy etc. We anchor and balance and secure each-other and everything else just follows naturally.

I still have to ask my parents for new about my grandmother. "Give me daily updates please!" worked for two days but then I had to go back to asking again and again and again. Apparently she is still alive and well. Schrödinger's grandma. *shrug* I have made peace with these information shenanigans, so it is at least that.

NaNoWriMo month is over and I am proud of what I did. I managed to pace myself enough to keep writing without getting too exhausted on the long run. I guess that 500 words a day on average for the next months would be nice to keep going smoothly. I have enough material to post one chapter per week untill the next NaNo event. I'll also re-schedule my other projects in a way that will help me keep track of them. It is something I need to do periodically, re-do the schedule so that I keep everything in check instead of allowing ADHD to make the previous schedule blend into the environment and disappear, so to speak. I am less ashamed of myself for needing to re-schedule regularily due to the ADHD component of my brain. It's quite fun actually to order things (autism side speakin).
Autistic | ADHD | DID (host: Morwan) | transmasc (they/them & he/him)

Journey thread | DID ressources thread

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