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[life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Mon Jan 10, 2022 5:42 pm

Michel is back.

We are annoyed. So is the supervisor (but not the group organizer). Last week Michel came back to the philosphy group even though he wasn't supposed to. "But he's completely abstinent" said the group organizer. It's not the problem though. He promised to the supervisor that he would not come back to the philosophy group and still, he did. And once again, part of the philosophy discussion was about reminding Michel to go see the social worker to help him go see the proper medical specialist for his kind of health issue.

We exchanged emails with the supervisor. We are tired of this. Even though Michel was well-behaved (appart from the misgendering, and this time we did not dare correct him, it's too exhausting and we did not want to risk him getting angry about us correcting him) it was still annoying. He promised not to come back. He still did. I do not want us to stop going to the philosophy group because of Michel, but we cannot keep interacting with him either.

The issue is pending.

More personification of the everyday life and feelings.

As time passes, we realize that we tend to personify each others' emotions. We still know where this or that emotion comes from but we see it as "my emotion too". It is a bit confusing though. When I see W. or V., Dani's emotions of "I love this person!" surfaces as *my* emotion too. When the Little chats with Daniel (Team PSI's Little loves to tell us about the nature documentaries she watches on TV), Pride's emotions of "this is my best friend!" feels like Daniel's emotion too. It makes things a bit complicated. Some of the emotions sharing does not feel "right". It does not feel "right" for an adult to see a child as their best friend. But since it's not a physical child, but a child-part of a dissociated adult, it's not exactly unhealthy either. It's still healthier than re-parenting said Little.

Anyway, it's becoming complicated. It's more and more difficult for me (The Mirror) and Daniel to discriminate between each-other. Pride is easier to tell appart from us.

Maybe it is because we tend more and more to see the feelings of "this did not happen to me" as "lack of personification" rather than "this completely did not happen to me". We try to become aware of when we talk about the past as "I" and "me" and "my" and when we talk about "the body" or "the mother/father/brother/ex/whatever". They are important clues as to what we are able to personify or not, regarding the autobiographical events of the body.

The "down" side is that our "personal backstories" are thinning down since we no longer need them to fill in the blank of not identifying with the body's life. It feels like we are more and more coming "into focus" but at the same time we are loosing our "artistic blurr". Not exactly loosing it since we retain the memories of it all of course, but we are less and less identifying strictly with our "background stories". They feel more and more like "kintypes" and less and less like "the only identity we have". Meaning that we are a chaotic ball of dissociated parts who partly identify with the body and partly as a qilin/dryad/angel/dragon/many fictive characters/spirit of dead children kinda thing.

I did talk about confusion after all.

Can't you feel the love tonight?

Daniel is head over heels for V. for W. and now for L. too (but L. sees him as a friend rather than a lover so they settled on that). Pride cant wait to be able to be in front to chat with the Little while doing some drawing/coloring. And I fell for M. who agreed to allow me to court her. (We both identify as "people from the past" meaning that we do not start queer-platonic-dating right away, there is a courtship period first.) Mix it with the fact that we are becoming confused regarding our romantic orientation. I guess we can settle for "demi-aroace" as a safe guess (meaning, feeling romantic/sexual attraction only after another kind of strong bond has been formed first). We tend to have preferences for queer people though, as well as masculinity. But it is only a general direction and there are exceptions. We are dissociated, after all.

Finally we have access to specialized autism supervision.

We have had our first meeting to sign up the papers in order to have specialized autism support for a few years. The waiting time had been long and when we discovered they are the only one in our BIG city (the city is in the top 20 biggest cities in our country) and that they can only support 23 persons at any given time, it felt like... Do autistic adults even count for our government?

With our luck and our tendency to seek and gobble up information we'll end up giving THEM advice and supervision. According what we read from their welcoming booklet, they are not up to date for some autism activism informations (they still use the puzzle piece, as an example). Moreover, between the moment we registered for the waiting list, and now, our needs for support have changed. A lot of things we wanted them to help us with, we finally found the ressources by ourselves. We still have specific needs for specific details. Maybe it was all for the best in the end: instead of asking their help for the ressources we are able (were able) to find by ourselves, we can focus instead of the ones that are more specialized and need more of their help.

Encanto. Obviously.

We watched the movie Encanto on Disney+ and have been obsessing over it ever since. We identify a lot with Mirabel, Luisa and Bruno. Mirabel, because we too seek to break the circle of transgenerational trauma. Luisa, because the whole family seemed to depend over us doing whatever everybody was asking us to do all the time. And Bruno, because of our constant feeling of being cast aside, cut out of conversations, also because we ran away from the family for our own mental health.

Just like most people who obsess over this movie, we joined discussion groups about it, hunt down memes and fan theories, and overall, well, obsess over it. I guess it says a lot about how many people were wounded by their own families.
__
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed Jan 12, 2022 9:13 am

Update organization about Michel.

We will skip philosophy until the Michel situation is dealed with by the supervisors. I managed to get a quick chat with the supervisor in charge of the situation in order to discuss it more easily than through slow email exchanges. Since it is not possible for me to just tell Michel "You have nothing to do here" at the beginning of the group (not my job but the organizer's) and since the organizer seems too enmeshed in the situation to be able to tell Michel to step back, I will unfortunately be the one stepping back.

I'll still show up in the next group to give the organizer his lended books back, but I will pretend that I have other, more urgent things to do in the area to explain why I do not participate in the group. The supervisor in charge of the situation will be in the building and will do his best to catch Michel "red-handed" for a chat - and the organizer, too.

Happens what will.

Newfound mental efficiency.

Yesterday evening, I had planned, after all the appointments of the day, about one hour quarter in order to go to a shop for some re-fill of art supplies. We were so efficient that we managed instead to do 4 different shopes in a circle of 1 km of ... centre-to-border-distance. Including a quick 15 minutes trip inside of the "thrift shop" that is so overloading for us sensorially speaking. In this quarter hour we managed to see about everything in the shop, selected only the three items that would be of use for us right now, and was paying less than two bucks at the cashier.

It is tremendous progress compared to our previous trips in this shop where we would loose our anchor, be over-stimulated by the sheer amount of stuff to see inside, and end up dissociating and over-purchasing.

We have gained in efficiency thanks to constant anchoring exercises and constant personification exercises. What we lost in identity diversity, we gained in everyday functionning, inner peace, cohesion, as well as inner, global complexity as a person. We are more able to adapt to different situations. We are more able to put all our ressources in common for a given task. People around us have told us it shows, we seem more "here", more listening, more "zen", less anxious and jittery.

Spiritual awakening does not dwell in self-induced hallucinations. It dwells in the complete connexion of all of the brain functions together, to reach new levels of functionning abilities. We DID use only 10% of our brain at any given time in the past. Now we feel like we are up to 80% but maybe in the future we will keep connecting things and reach even higher levels of functionning.

It feels like we are constantly under the influence of euphoria-inducing illegal substances, but no. We are merely working towards reaching the "normal" functionning of our brain, without dissociation.

I have no idea where we are going but it feels good. So let's keep walking.
__
The Mirror.
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby Eliseahorse » Wed Jan 12, 2022 4:29 pm

Wow you guys are doing a lot of work. Watching your integration (is that the right phrase?) is so informative and definatly makes it a lot less scary than any other way I've seen any one else describe it.
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed Jan 12, 2022 5:56 pm

Yes, we are working on integration (putting the memories in order + making the difference between "here and now" and "there and then" = synthesis ; regarding the life as "mine" (personification) + regarding the past as "over" (presentification) = realization ; synthesis + realization = integration).

All of this while paying attention to the different aspects of the stabilization of life - you can find examples of it in the book "Coping with trauma-related dissociation".
__
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby fireheart » Wed Jan 12, 2022 9:38 pm

Congratulations on the progress! :)
It's brave.
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Jan 13, 2022 2:53 am

We often have difficulty in shops--probably one of the reasons we hate shopping so much. It pulls for so many parts to be present, and we know exactly what you mean by "losing your anchor."

I know you reported on many different aspects of your progress, and it's all great, but that especially resonated with us.

Very inspiring!
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby Amythyst » Thu Jan 13, 2022 2:03 pm

congrats!

<3 <3 <3 <3
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Thu Jan 13, 2022 4:15 pm

A lot of things keep happening and evolving.

First, I saw with the supervisor about Michel this morning. The supervisor talked to the group - Michel, the organizer of the group, and the other members. His aim was to see, how to keep the group focused on philosophy or, if the group prefers, re-labelling it into psychology and psychological peer-support. Apparently the other members have different feelings about me/us. They are about 50-50 "This person is interesting to discuss with and I want them to keep coming for intellectual reason" and 50-50 (Michel the most) "I need this person for emotional and psychological support reasons as well as for counselling". Which is completely not what I want to gain from this group. The supervisor gives them a few weeks to think it through and discuss it. If they go back to proper philosophy discussions, I'm in. If not, I'm out.

The good thing of it all is that the situation teaches me to check my boundaries and assert them while showing compassion, as well as to seek help when needed.

Second, I am back to having awfully busy weeks and we chatted about it, Team PSI and I. They helped me realize that I am way more hyperactive than I thought. My hyperactivity shows in an intellectual way rather than physical which is why it took me so long to properly become aware that it is hyperactivity and not simply hustle culture plus traumatic guilt of "doing/producing nothing" tied with "unable to focus on the same thing for long". It is not "just" being inattentive. Knowing this makes me more able to have compassion for myself and my hyperactivity, as well as untangle from it. I hope this will last. I'll pin a few reminders to the walls of the appartment.

In the meantime I have cancelled stuff I had planned for this week-end, and will focus the next days to find my balance again. I am very thankful for the patience and support Team PSI shows me with this. They are frustrated to see me exhaust myself repeatedly and I completely understand their feelings.

Last but not least, the last papers needed to start updating everything administratively have arrived. Next and last step: filling in the "update" papers for each and every administration service. Good luck to me.

EDIT: I opened the enveloppe. The paper is not updated yet. I have to wait and ask again. URGH.
__
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun Jan 23, 2022 5:07 pm

Well well well if this isn't another fusion.

Apparently there is not enough difference anymore between me-Daniel and me-The Mirror to deserve keeping differenciated names. I therefore decided upon Morwan. (Pronounced "more van")

The pleasant side of it is that the fluctuations of the percieved bodyshape are gravitating more and more towards an equilibrium point. Apparently I inherited Uriel@Zamiel@Daniel's wings because I can sometimes phantom-feel them. I startled myself this morning waking up feeling the phantom-wings, thinking "Whyd the fudge do I have wings?". Then I remembred that they are Uriel's wings, that Uriel is one of my sub-components, therefore it is logical that I inherited his (their?) wings. It reminded me the episode when we almost slipped in the shower because Ulysses was looking for their tail to wash it.

I do not feel Pride in the system. Not outside of me anyway. I dare not look inside yet. I am not ready yet for this. At least not consciousely. Even though I do react like him sometimes: Team PSI's Little has an eye for his behaviors. Maybe I am afraid of disappointing her if it turns out Pride is part of me-me now, too.

It makes things a bit difficult for some interactions between me and Team PSI. V. and W. are taking it very well. E. (split from V., their fusion did not hold due to the stress in Team PSI's life at the moment) and I have set upon queerplatonic rather than romantic. But M. is a little bit more torn by the fusion. She is mono-romantic and even though it's very different to date many alters from the same system than to date many different physical persons, she is not ready yet to share. Even with other parts of the same dissociated person. She had hoped to be able to get to know The Mirror better as a separate entity. Therefore I released her from our previous courtship engagement, to allow her to step back and get to know me as Morwan, as well as think over the whole mono vs poly relationship thing.

So, here I am. Almost through the whole fusion phase of therapy, before touching any trauma material, and before being through the whole stabilization phase. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The brain does not logic logically after all, it just goes with the flow of life patching things up with duct tape, a chewing-gum, and a piece of thread.

Pieces of memories resurface more and more. They hurt less and less. I make conscious efforts to say "I" and "me" as much as possible when talking about the past. The only way to make the hurt stop is to go through the whole "I happened to ME" thing. It's annoying but this too shall pass. It feels like a kidney stone but it shall pass.

I have an appointment with the DID therapist this week. I'll see with her to organize the "lifespan integration" thing. I am tired of having all my memories organized in Russian Dolls files spread all across my whole brain. I want to have them all filed in the proper chronological order in the same drawer and be DONE and OVER with them.
__
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