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[life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby YunaTheSummoner » Fri Oct 08, 2021 7:50 am

WOW :shock: the hospital part sounded scary! ...but glad you're back home with your cat!

Our dog also went very clingy after we were rushed away suddenly. He wouldn't even go into the garden for a wee unless we sat at the door or went out with him, but he seems to have calmed down better now, though still anxious when strangers come into the house (I guess cos of ambulance crew coming in then having to take me away).

I'm sure your cat will forgive you after a few tasty treats! :D
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Oct 08, 2021 8:02 am

Yes, the hospital was scary at first but the blood cells count and blood pressure are still way better than what we had during our college/university years so we're not too worried. We've been through worse without any rest, now we're getting the rest, and the human help, and the proper iron supplements, and we are in an overall healthier physical state (more muscular so, more blood and faster blood recovery rate), so things can only get better now! :D
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Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion) or Daniel ♂ɸ (Zamiel + David)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed Oct 13, 2021 8:38 pm

Chatting with a friend today, I realized that we had let go of a guilt we carried for a very, very long time.

**********************Content warning: death of pets, accidental cause**************************

For a long time we carried the guilt of accidentally causing the death of two beloved pets: a guinea pig and a canary bird. In both instances, we were the direct cause, which caused a lot of guilt.

We had realized intellectually that for the guinea pig we were too young to properly care for him and that it was the parents' responsibility that he was unhealthy - and their responsibility for refusing to take him to the vet when we realized we had accidentally hurt him, which caused his life to meet an early end. Yet we still carried the guilt for such a long time that we kept on having dreams in which we needed to take care of him, and realized that nobody had taken care of him since the previous dream. It was as if he was still alive in our Innerworld, still needing the care we could not properly give him because we were too young to know how to, and because we could not magically summon what he needed that the parents refused to provide.

For the canary bird it was more difficult to intellectually realize we were not the only ones responsible. We accidentally forgot to take care of him for a few days which shortened his life. And yet, thinking back to what caused us to forget, we realized we were only the latest link in the chain of events. We were awfully burnt out back then, because we had so many things to take care of: our studies, the house chores, the two to three hours daily commute (the parents prefered to provide the brother with a room at his school 20 minutes of bus ride from home rather than provide US with a room), the abuses thrown at us by the parents, and the ones from the ex. We were so burnt out we sometimes half-fainted half-fell asleep many times during the days. Moreover, there were three other persons in the appartment who could have taken care of the canary. They did notice the lack of care. They did tell us. They did see we had eyes like a racoon due to the exhaustion. Still none of them took the five minutes it would have taken to provide the bird with the most basic necessities.

Similarly to the guinea pig, the canary bird was not provided with what he really needed. Here again, we were powerless to provide - we were limited by what the parents would allow.

*********************End warning*********************

Relizing and accepting we were *powerless* gave us the extra nudge we needed to finally let go of the guilt. We felt like we needed to do something, that we should have done something. And yet, the situation did not allow us any possibility to maneuver around what the parents had decided would be done. It was either their way, or no way.

There was nothing else we could have done.

Accepting it, completely and fully, is a sad way of letting go of this old old guilt.

We had gone from "it was our fault" to "it was the parents' fault" but we still needed this extra step. The step of accepting that not only was it their responsibility, but also that we were powerless.

This last step was a very very difficult one. I think we finally took it today - or realized today that we took it.

Letting go of the thought that we could have done something, is painful and sad. We feel more at peace with it now, but not in a happy way. We feel a sad peace. It is a kind of mourning, and mourning is a peacful and sad process - well, peaceful in its outcome anyway.

Everything is moving so fast inside the system. Lust has a more androgynous aspect now and she feels more at peace with her Innerworld body - I guess that this reflects she feels more at peace with the physical body too, since her Innerworld body changed following our chest surgery. Pride has grown a few years and still remains circa 8-10 years old. He seems at peace with "growing up" now though he seems to wish to stay at the 8-10 years stage for a while in order to take the time to completely wrap up the guinea pig mourning situation.

I am more and more often blended / co-present with Zamiel, to the point that I wonder if we should look for a (nick)name for this state. If it becomes more and more common, this might be useful to have a word for the two of us together, atop of a word for each of us. Then, what to go for?

I like "Solomon" and it is a (nick)name I have used before and might use in the future. Though I also like the -iel ending from Zamiel. Blended with a Da- in the front this might give the name "Daniel" which I also like. We might use it, we might not. If it ends up feeling more natural to keep using "David" rather than forcing a blending of names, then David it will be.
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David.
Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion) or Daniel ♂ɸ (Zamiel + David)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby gremandco » Wed Oct 13, 2021 9:42 pm

we’ve been through something similar with pets before, so this is something we understand.

***trigger warning for animal death and medical neglect***

we had a dog that was old and sick that we’d been asking for our mother to take to the vet, and yet she never did until he started having seizures. he eventually passed away.

our mom is the same even with us and our own body. she neglects us medically unless it seems life threatening (to her) or somehow affects our ability to do things for her directly (unless she can berate us to do things for her).

***end warning***

it’s kind of hard to accept that you were powerless during situations like that, to have that kind of grief. it still makes us so angry, honestly, that we were supposed to be able to rely on these people and yet they do nothing to help us when we need it the most. it’s infuriating.

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