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Gaining co-consciousness??

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Gaining co-consciousness??

Postby hbodhi » Mon Sep 09, 2019 9:02 pm

It is nice to come on and see all of you.

My T has started reading up on ISST-D and is reading a book by Harvey Schwartz to help us and to get herself grounded more in D.I.D. training. Do any of you have knowledge of this author?

We worked on mapping the system. It was a good project for us as it helped us be more informed about the inner space. It also showed how things change so much that mapping is really hard to pin point. It did help us to find another alter though and that is good.

I spent a great amount of time when I first saw my T saying I had no thoughts in my mind. She would of course come back with everyone has thoughts we just have to become mindful of them. Learned lots of mindfulness practices during that time. The problem always came back to there were none of my thoughts in there and when focusing I would hear loud repetitive counting. I am becoming aware that of course their are thoughts they just don't always feel like mine, well because they are someone elses in the system.

Two days ago I heard someone singing some song I was only catching a couple words of in my head. I told my partner what I heard out loud and she looked up the song and played it. One of the teens came out and then I was back maybe five minutes later.

It was a big experience for me. Although I have been speaking for some time to my T about the others, she has met a few of them and tells me what they say, and I have documentation with different handwriting and stuff. This hit me kinda hard and scared me. I do not totally get why it scared me. I know there is a lot of denial that happens for me on different levels, but I really try to stay open.

Have any of you had a similar experience and it was scary to you? Were you able to sort out why it may have been scary? My only thought is maybe everything got even more real for me. Maybe as much as I am working towards co-consciousness it makes me feel more broken in some way.

I am not really sure what I am asking here. Things are hard. Memories are coming and they are hard to understand. As much as I want to do the work I am afraid of it. When I think surely we have uncovered and found all the others then someone new comes forward.

I try to get to a place where I feel stable so I can come on and offer and get support. I am finding stability tricky. It does come fleetingly which is better than a month or two ago so I guess progress.

I have come on and read some here and there to see how you guys are doing. I find one of the best benefits of this forum for me is over and over I feel we are not so alone. Thank you guys for that reassurance.
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Re: Gaining co-consciousness??

Postby Rive » Mon Sep 09, 2019 9:10 pm

Yes this happens to me all the time. Like yesterday I had the thoughts meet me in the lobby of the group it will be good to see you followed alright bye bye. I cant tell you how not to be afraid because I am still afraid but I can tell you youre not alone.
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Re: Gaining co-consciousness??

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Sep 09, 2019 11:17 pm

hbodhi wrote:It was a big experience for me. Although I have been speaking for some time to my T about the others, she has met a few of them and tells me what they say, and I have documentation with different handwriting and stuff. This hit me kinda hard and scared me. I do not totally get why it scared me. I know there is a lot of denial that happens for me on different levels, but I really try to stay open.

Have any of you had a similar experience and it was scary to you? Were you able to sort out why it may have been scary? My only thought is maybe everything got even more real for me.


It's common for each step of awareness of one's system to be met with denial, even if you're trying to stay open. So much effort has been put into making things not be real, that each time I'm faced with the reality of these different people in my head, it's very scary.

I had jump in awareness on Friday, and had to work hard to stay calm and accept what I was being told. It had to do with finding out who handles things when we're at work. I knew there were other things he did for the system, but I didn't realize he had anything to do with work. I had questions about it in my head, and I was being told the answers, but I was sure I was "making it up." There is a part that holds a lot of the denial and who was freaking out about it and yelling that we were making it up. But someone else countered with the fact that if we were making it up, why would we be feeling scared about the answers we were getting? And there's also a fear about making it up in the sense of being "wrong" about these details of our system--but the counter to that is that if it's wrong, we'll find out at some point, and it's not a problem. :)

Co-consciousness usually means something different than how you're using it, I think. That would be if you were there while one of the others was talking to your T, and remembered what they said yourself. Or if you were there when the teen came out when the song was played. It's having less dissociative amnesia between parts. But for sure, starting to hear things from them, like someone singing a song, is the first step.

Please don't feel like you have to be in a place where you can offer support in order to post on here and get support. Your experience helps us feel less alone also.
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Re: Gaining co-consciousness??

Postby hbodhi » Tue Sep 10, 2019 3:14 am

Thanks Rive.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:It's common for each step of awareness of one's system to be met with denial, even if you're trying to stay open. So much effort has been put into making things not be real, that each time I'm faced with the reality of these different people in my head, it's very scary.


This makes sense to me. I am glad to hear you become afraid too. Not that you're afraid but that you relate. Thanks for sharing the example.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Co-consciousness usually means something different than how you're using it, I think. That would be if you were there while one of the others was talking to your T, and remembered what they said yourself. Or if you were there when the teen came out when the song was played. It's having less dissociative amnesia between parts. But for sure, starting to hear things from them, like someone singing a song, is the first step.


I think it was different now that you helped explain. I was talking about (I don't know what you call it) but co-consciousness within my head space. I have heard alters speak to one another or suggest for me to do things in the past. This time it was just hearing a younger voice singing which threw me off. It was definitely not me as I didn't even know the song or listen to that genre of music.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Please don't feel like you have to be in a place where you can offer support in order to post on here and get support. Your experience helps us feel less alone also.


I needed to hear this as well. I go so easy to that place of I will do/say something wrong. It is nice to have a place to come.
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Re: Gaining co-consciousness??

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Sep 10, 2019 7:47 am

I tend to have a song going round and round. Different songs. Like just now I thought "oh there isn't a song going round atm" but then I realized there is. It's like someone constantly singing in the background. When I was younger it'd get so bad, the same song going round and round, that it'd be driving me crazy. So I made a thing that if I sing a nursery rhyme back it'd stop for a while or change the song.

I hadn't thought about it for years till you just mentioned it because I live with it but I realised as I'm writing this it's probably an alter and not "me singing a song in my head"

That's not co-conciousness to me. My experience of that is there is 2 and sometimes 3 alters in the body deciding what we're doing, how we're doing it and there's an awareness of that. Beth and Karen were co-concious for years. To the point "I" or the brain or whatever completely forgot they were there. No other alters were in the body. The combination of those two became "me" for years. Then there was an adult trauma, which was dealt with appropriately, but Karen "died". I had a "severe migraine" and one half of my body went completely numb. Beth then was very distressed, crying, asking for Karen. I remembered I wasn't "them" if that makes sense. Karen wasn't dead and returned a few years later but she can't live in the body how she used to.
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Re: Gaining co-consciousness??

Postby hbodhi » Wed Sep 11, 2019 2:28 am

Thank you for sharing Sarandipity.

Went to see T today and she talked to me about how this seems to maybe be a deeper form of awareness. That even though at times I get frustrated with how slow this process feels at times, my system is wise and everything is happening at the right pace.

I have been struggling with lost time lately and could not figure it out. My partner said it seemed whoever was out during that time was actually me Haven. Yet, I didn't remember parts of the conversation. Then partner asked later in the day who she was speaking to and it was Terri. Which I guess is the old host of before our legal name was changed last year. Freaked my partner out some as this was who she has been in relationship for twenty years and wondered who I as Haven am then. I don't have many answers for her yet I share a lot of knowledge inside me that was passed along from Terri. Maybe we are like co-hosts in some way. Not sure if this is really possible.

T gave me an assignment to try and write towards be more conscious in one sitting with the Little that fronts most in her office. I am looking forward to trying it and hope it works. I have been writing back and forth to her over a few months, so this may be a good next step.
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Re: Gaining co-consciousness??

Postby Zor » Wed Sep 11, 2019 5:06 pm

hbodhi wrote:Thank you for sharing Sarandipity.

Went to see T today and she talked to me about how this seems to maybe be a deeper form of awareness. That even though at times I get frustrated with how slow this process feels at times, my system is wise and everything is happening at the right pace.

I have been struggling with lost time lately and could not figure it out. My partner said it seemed whoever was out during that time was actually me Haven. Yet, I didn't remember parts of the conversation. Then partner asked later in the day who she was speaking to and it was Terri. Which I guess is the old host of before our legal name was changed last year. Freaked my partner out some as this was who she has been in relationship for twenty years and wondered who I as Haven am then. I don't have many answers for her yet I share a lot of knowledge inside me that was passed along from Terri. Maybe we are like co-hosts in some way. Not sure if this is really possible.

T gave me an assignment to try and write towards be more conscious in one sitting with the Little that fronts most in her office. I am looking forward to trying it and hope it works. I have been writing back and forth to her over a few months, so this may be a good next step.



The slow process is irritating me, too... for all our communication progress, I have NO awareness when Pixie is out... and very very very limited communication from others, barely any inside... mostly it's through Pixie or our journal.

We keep up with lost time in the bullet journal- note when I am aware of what time it is and when I've missed time- generally a best guess as to how long. Works out to somewhere between about 25-35 hours a week for me... basically, and this is hard for people to fathom, I lose as much time through out the week as most people WORK at a full-time job. All in bits of time from 15m to 1-2 hours at a time. Something like 3.5-5 hours a day or more.

The writing thing sounds interesting. I tend to put on music I know someone specifically likes (they're all making playlists in Apple Music and/or Spotify - so that's helpful) when I write to try and help encourage and invite them to come out and write, too. Sometimes it's successful, sometimes not.

Is there anything particular you do that has seemed to help draw your others out to take part more?
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Re: Gaining co-consciousness??

Postby hbodhi » Thu Sep 12, 2019 2:57 pm

I really like the play list idea Zor. I think that may be useful for us as music does seem to be a good trigger for the teens to come out especially. I heard a song on a program we were watching last week called "You Will Be Found" and for me it applies to how I feel it is as we are beginning to find more out about who we are and finding new lonely alters.

Zor wrote:Is there anything particular you do that has seemed to help draw your others out to take part more?


My partner tells me the Littles come out with her often at night once she gets home because they want to play with their stuffies or color with her. Johnny our Little that uses sign language comes out anytime we sit down to watch dancing on tv. So I know that toys and television bring the Littles to front. I am not in the passenger seat during those interactions yet though.

The others all seem to come out off and on throughout the day to journal, clean, or work on various crafts. I am just amnesiac for those times. I have tried the bullet journal and just a straight out schedule and have not been able to quite figure out the time loss. It is much more than I think, according to my partner. This is the thing my T is really trying to work with us on and that is why she wants us to keep working on ideas to get co-conscious.

I can feel when our gate keeper is present like in our passenger seat at this point and I am starting to identify when there are certain feelings leaking over or thoughts who they may be close. When journaling a few are willing to say who they are and if there was a very short time between me being out or them I have started being aware that is how they "feel" or I feel actually when they are with me or closer.
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