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Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

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Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

Postby Muninn » Sat Aug 31, 2019 7:46 am

Since about two month I increasingly started to doubt my own sanity and reliability at work.

I got used to situations in which a co-worker/supervisor says: "Why didn't you do X?" but I don't remember that we ever did speak about "X" in the past. I usually blame our dissociation for this, because I happens, that some one else is more present and the information doesn't reach my memory. We use a lot of checklists, to prevent as much errors as possible.

But in the last two month there were an increasing amount if incidents where I actually DO remember that the supervisor said X or we agreed on Y, but then he acts as if we never had spoken about it and nothing was decided. He says one day, that he likes what I do "Oh that looks really cool" and the other day, he completely changes his mind and say that we can't use this.

It is not unusual in this industry and especially in this company that you have to throw away a lot of creative work, because all supervising parties have to be on board, but in the last months I had throw away like 90% of my work, because I did stuff I was certain we agreed on and then... he said otherwise.
The worst part is, that more than once, he later took my trashed concept, claimed it as his own and suddenly like it. Or they say that an other co-worker did it, despite I showed them exactly this vision the day before.
If I show him our checklists or the work I did throw away he says that I misunderstood him or outright ignores it. Also if I mentioned that we agreed on something I am getting ignored, they switch the topic or indirectly blame me of not being skilled enough to understand it

I'm really start to doubting my perception. How can it happen that I am so certain we did speak about something and then other people deny it, again and again.
Am I in some sort of parallel headspace reality sometimes? Can this happen so intensely and repeatedly to create this effect?

I don't see a lot of reasons for my supervisor to intentionally use any sort of gaslighting techniques. There is really no danger that I could ever take his job or something like this and he is a nice guy apart from these incidents. Without him we even wouldn't have this job anymore because some time ago he even convinced our CEO that we could stay, after we got fired. This makes it even stranger for me.

I'm writing this all in this DID forum, because I wonder if other persons with DID also struggle with such altered perceptions and memories. Not just missing recent memories, but totally wrong ones too. How do you handle this, if even your notes seem to betray you...

I can't trust their word, I can't trust our own memory and I can even trust, what I see black on white. It does really not help to feel stable.

-Kiran

p.s. from Alea who talked about this to our therapist:
Therapist says that we should just relaxes more.. "just smile when this happens the next time and go with the flow". Smiling, acting like nothing happens. That's what we are doing actually. But it does not make us feel better or more reliable

I really hate btw. how he always starts his advises with words like "just" or "simply"... :roll:
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Re: Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

Postby Amythyst » Sat Aug 31, 2019 8:21 am

Hi Kiran,

Sorry you're doubting yourself with this stuff. That sounds really sucky. I dunno if its practical or whatever but any way to get stuff from them in writing? Like email?

We've been doing that for a long, long time. Customers or whatever call and talk to us and tell us to do stuff, and we just automatically ask for it by email. Either 'for clarity' or even just straight up told people we're forgetful. Like previous host would tell customers she gets super busy & forgetful & likes stuff by email cos that way all the details are there she can refer back.

Otherwise, we just take lots of notes when dealing with people. Like in meetings and stuff, we were usually the only ones who brought notepaper and took notes lol.

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Re: Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Aug 31, 2019 9:11 am

Just or simply are minimising words. They minimise whatever is said after them. I try to avoid them.

This is the most poiniagn part I read: they have used your trashed work and then claimed it for their own.... I'd find another job.
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Re: Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

Postby IainEtc » Sat Aug 31, 2019 9:58 am

Hi,

Host works for people on projects so he has to be really careful everybody understands everybody. What he does is take notes then write up the expectations then email those to them so they can send back their agreement to the expectations he wrote up. I know it's kind of like a lot of stuff to do and he only does it for the really important projects - but it helps a lot that they agreed to it in an email (and he can show them they agreed if he has too). Also if he forgets there's like a ton of paperwork around to remind him.

Hope everything works out for you.

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Re: Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

Postby Muninn » Sat Aug 31, 2019 11:04 am

Thanks Ian and V2 :)

E-Mail is not an option, because the guy sits right next to me in the office. I will try to even make more detailed notes for us and also to maybe pointing it out to the supervisor. In the past he was quite ignorant/resistant to commit to whatever we have written down.

I also don't want to make a huge drama. I know that the supervisor does not like changes in his workflows and don't want to risk the job by being too annoying. It is really a good thing to have a stable income. It is our first regular full time job in a life of almost 40 years. Maybe we are actually just not used to deal with inconsistent work-processes in creative industries.

I could maybe get some help by our team-coordinator, though. They have slightly more influence on workflows than I have and are very open to suggestions.

Sometimes it really helps to write ones frustration and fears down to calm down and see an other option.

Will change the thread-title, because it is probably a bit too much assuming drama :roll:
Edit: okay, that seems to be not possible, therefore sorry for drama-title.

Thanks :)
-Kiran
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Re: Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

Postby BeccaBee » Sat Aug 31, 2019 11:26 am

you bad memory. him asshole.

both is true you not crazy.

we do email trick with bad boss. sorry that ni work on your bad boss.

no let assholes make you think you crazy.
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Re: Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

Postby MakersDozn » Mon Sep 02, 2019 6:01 pm

We do the email thing anyway, even if the other person is physically near us.

If there's one thing that we've learned from working with lawyers, and from watching lawyers on TV, it's "memorialize everything." Write down everything for the record. We usually start out these emails like this:

Confirming our conversation just now, we agreed that blah blah blah....

1. Blah blah
2. Blah de blah
3. Blabbedy doo dah

[Body name]

The name of the game is covering your own butt. Which you have a right and an obligation to do, no matter what anybody else thinks.

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Re: Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

Postby Una+ » Tue Sep 03, 2019 12:54 am

MakersDozn wrote:We do the email thing anyway, even if the other person is physically near us.

Absolutely. Especially if there is any question about anything. Given that now there are a lot of questions, it is very important to memorialize everything in writing.
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Re: Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

Postby Muninn » Tue Sep 03, 2019 6:51 am

Thanks for your advice. E-Mail itself will not work, because we don't use e-mail regularly in the company. But we have a chat messenger and a wiki and we could probably use one of them as documentation of agreements and see if that helps us to remember correctly and pointing stuff out to the co-workers if they start to contradict themselves again.

I also figured out that we got double stressed out by these incidents at the workplace, because we had also quite some internal conflict going on, which went undressed for some time. There are parts who felt that others (like me) did ignore them or misunderstood what they actually wanted. On top of this came the misunderstandings at the workplace and it made them feel even more ignored and misunderstood. The therapist not taking them seriously added also more fuel to this feelings.

We are now working on the internal issues and figuring out how we could improve them and we are looking for a new therapist. And maybe we the documentation things at the work place we help too

-Kiran
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Re: Effect of DID or some sort of gaslighting (workplace)?

Postby Johnny-Jack » Thu Sep 05, 2019 3:41 pm

Muninn wrote:* I don't see a lot of reasons for my supervisor to intentionally use any sort of gaslighting techniques.
* There is really no danger that I could ever take his job or something like this and he is a nice guy apart from these incidents.
* Without him we even wouldn't have this job anymore because some time ago he even convinced our CEO that we could stay, after we got fired.
...
* It is really a good thing to have a stable income. It is our first regular full time job in a life of almost 40 years.

Oh, I've been where you're at, maybe not to the degree of anxiety or doubt but I know how disturbing it is. It's rough but I do think something good can come out of all this.

Your sentences I collected above, especially the last two, are why I'd suggest doing everything you can to keep the job for now. I could assemble equally or even more compelling points you made that would argue against your supervisor and co-workers. But I think at this point you just don't know for absolute certainty what's going on.

Realistically, it's probably some of both. But you don't yet know what the proportions are. Staying with your terms, is it 10% DID 90% gaslighting, the reverse, 50%/50%, or is the whole question setting up a false dichotomy? Since you don't know yet, it seems prudent to proceed with caution.

I know that my bad memory has allowed some co-workers, at times, to claim to have worked out details with me about something even as they knew they were stretching it. I've learned to forgive that in most cases because I know when I'm backed into a corner in certain situations I'll fudge an explanation. This is an automatic response sometimes and it's driven by very old fears. I hate-hate-hate it and I've worked on it internally but this phenomenon hasn't disappeared entirely.

I'm never thrown under the bus in a major way (as in an outside person screwed up big time but blames it entirely on me) but my poor memory has been used to gloss over someone else not taking care of business or to avoid admitting they screwed up. I imagine this isn't even that uncommon a thing to happen to people like us, or to anyone else with inconsistent recall.
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