Our partner

Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Johnny-Jack

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Wed Oct 28, 2020 10:42 pm

I'm not sure why we're writing this. Some parts want to say it I suppose.

*** Trigger Warning: vague mentions of physical/sexual/emotional abuse, gaslighting, amnesia ***

So we're almost 3 years into this. It was November 2017 when our 'DID crisis' began. We've been in therapy since January 2018 but we didn't start with our current T until November 2018. So nearly 2 years with her.

Since May this year it's been almost exclusively Ciara taking care of therapy. She's really good at it but the rest of us kind of hold her back. Like she's usually ready to push ahead and wants to talk about things that some of the others don't want to discuss or don't even want to know.

We've been having a lot of problems with our mother lately too. It's been slowly coming to light that's she's probably our number one main abuser. Primarily emotional abuse and/or emotional neglect.

The previous two weeks were something like a milestone for us. First Ciara sort of scratched the surface of something we've been avoiding so long and so well, we're pretty sure our T didn't realize till Ciara hinted at it.

It was that we're so completely disconnected from our body because there was probably some serious physical or maybe sexual abuse way back when. It's something a lot of us have suspected. And at least one of the littles straight up said it at one point but it was quickly purged from our awareness.

Then last week Ciara went a little further and explained that she/we suspects that's not even the actual core of the problem. If those suspiccions are correct about those physical abuses, the actual issue for us is our mother was probably aware of it, and probably did nothing. She probably ignored it and 'looked the other way' because it would have upset her to deal with it.

We actually have memories of her doing that for other physical abuse when we were older. To the point of us telling her it was happening and her ignoring us and allowing it to continue.

Todays session wasn't quite so heavy but some more stuff came up, another interaction with our mother last week cost us over a day in lost time / dissociation. Ciara was trying to describe to our T what it was about, what happened.

And our T picked up on something. She has way better memory for this stuff than we do (more on that later) and she pointed out that the mother Ciara was describing today was not the same person as the mother she's described on other occasions. That our mother is literally not the same consistant person from one interaction to the next.

And we realized that we've known that for at least a year, perhaps more. We've noticed that ourselves, we've even seen what we believe are switches in her. And yet we continually forget this and then we are continually hurt by her.

The way our T described it, was like being unintentionally gaslit all our lives because we expect our mother to be the same person. Yet she's not, and we never know which mother we'll get one day to the next. Our mother is also narcisistic and as far as we know has never been emotionally supportive, she's not capable of that. So we've never had a safe, consistant parental figure to help us process and deal with things.

We've never had someone to confirm or validate our experiences, our emotions, our reality, throughout our life, but especially not while growing up.



*** Extra Trigger Warning for memory manipulation ***

Re. memory with our T, last week's session was the first time we started a session with memories of the previous session. Normally our memory of therapy is all but erased between sessions, so every session we almost have to start over.

Last week Ciara was able to start right where she left off the week previously. She believes someone in our system (possibly Guardian) intentionally deletes or buries those memories, perhaps as a 'security precaution' to keep the rest of the system safe from them.

Prior to the session last week she was begging inside not to have her memory erased because she desperately wanted to continue the previous discussion.

It was kind of heartbreaking watching a 10yo girl pleading at the void not to have her memory erased, but as far as I know none of us are intentionally erasing those memories. She might be right though, it could be happening without my knowledge.

Some of us think we should be horrified about this but we aren't. It just leaves us sad and uneasy.


Incidentally, in some of Viola's writing she uses our first-hand experiences with memory and identity alteration as the basis for some aspects of her fiction. She's even graphically described the experiences through the lens of fictitious events happening to made-up characters. It's been an interesting experience to have readers tell us certain scenarios come across as disturbing or upsetting, when to us they're just part of daily life.

Em
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3070
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Fri Nov 06, 2020 4:04 pm

so its been like 2 weeks since we last spoke to the mother & were probably gonna hafta talk to her today.

its just, talking to her takes so much energy out of us & we realize now it can be really triggering. like last time we spoke to her we wound up losing a full day of time then another couple hours the day after.

at our last T we kinda asked our T what to do, and like the topic was finally broached about maybe cutting off all contact? but we dunno if we're ready for that, there's some practical reasons we're not sure we're ready.

on the other hand its really hard to think of anything positive we get out of any contact from her. usually its upsetting & draining & sometimes its annoying & aggravating.

we've read enuf stuff on here to understand whats going on kinda but we dont have the wherewithall to like explain it or process it when its happening. & when we get stressed or triggered we cant even like make rational arguments & explanations cos all our knowledge & info disappears. we're just like, i know this is wrong but i can't explain why. only were not even eloquent enuf to say that when its happening.

its just, like she believes she's the bestest perfectest mother ever & anything wrong with us is definitely nothing to do with her. unless she can get pity-points by being all 'woe is me i didnt raise you kids right'.

and like now that weve figured out (again) that shes like undiagnosed DID herself its even harder cos like we can't say that, she'll freak out. she still thinks mental illness is a terrible taboo, like worse than cancer or something.

but like idk what else to do or how to cope with it. we still mostly dont think she did alot of physical abuse to us but we're positive she did alot of "looking the other way and pretending its not happening" when other people were doing abuse. cos like, if she knew it hapened then she'd be a bad mom. but by making it so in her head it didnt happen then she can keep up the fantasy of being perfect. cos like, she cant deal with actual problems, she couldn't deal with actually helping us or stopping it or whatever cos that was too upsetting? so easier to just let it happen & pretend it didn't.

& i guess thats got alot of anger coming up now cos like, that was the chance to be a good mom. to protect us, or at least to make sure it didnt happen again. not to just stick yer head in the sand & look away & let it keep happening.

that's the biggest betrayal. and then to go on and act like shes perfect and make us feel like were bad cos we don't buy into her pollyanna vision of it all.

sorry this got ranty. theres som Em coming thru now. she had to take over last time we talked to the mother, she'll probably hafata do it again thistime

viola & Em
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3070
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Tue Nov 10, 2020 9:41 pm

more &^$%&* memory stuff making me feel bad.

i was looking for a file on our computer & came across a system map we made a long time ago. and like i knew we did that, i remember it existed, it wasn't a surprise to find it?

but then i opened it and looked at it & like

who the &((%$ are half these names?

i knew some of them obvs. maybe even most of them. a few were like,
who? oh (*&%^ right i know who that is!

but there were some that i was just like
who?

there was 1 that really did me in. s

o we have a system rule since long before my time, we never name characters (in our stories etc) after friends or headmates. never. and since i've been writhing *a lot* this year i've been super careful about that.

we actually had the reverse happen once, a headmate turned up & named herself after a character i wrote about. that made me reallyu uncomfortable (long story behind t hat) so now we kinda ask newly woken headmates not to name themselves after my characters

anyways, so my most popular story so far, the lead character's name is Tegan. i started writing that story in august iirc. i didnt know any Tegans, its a fun name, we almost named a cat Tegan once.

couple months ago when Teg emerged she was gonna call herself Tegan but wound up with Teg instead cos its shorter & eaiser & wouldn't make me uncomfortable.

anyways so today i find this system map from a long time ago? there's a Tegan on the map.

and I'm like. who? no wait who??

eventually someone (i think Em) told me. she's someone V2 found last summer or w/e. and I forgot she even existed.

and then i'm like, ok... ok maybe i just didn't know about her before right? i wasn't so active till last autumn, maybe i didn't know about her.

then i look t the date on the system map and it was made this year, in january. when i was fronitng all thetime.

i searched on here & found the post where we mentioned the map.
dissociative-identity/topic214110-310.html#p2254777
i wrote it. i made the map. and then sometime after that i forgot all about some of us. like forgot they even existed or w/e

and the punchline is all this happened like 4 hours ago today & i gues i got upset about it & blanked out cos i lost most of the day. i was just sitting here thinking wtf did i do today its like 4pm & my minds blank?

then i retraced my steps & all that systemmap stuff came back.

like %^#$! not only do i forget some of us, then i get upset when i find out i forgot some of us, then i forget that i remembered that i forgot

its %&%( like this that really makes me feel broken

viola
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3070
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Tue Nov 10, 2020 10:07 pm

completely unrelated but over the summer we started discovering wierd injuries in the palms of our hands & had no idea what was causing them

till one night we woke up from some nightmares cos there was some sharp pains in our hands, sharp enuf to wake us up

turns out if our fingernails are long enuf to look nice, then in our sleep when we have nightmares (which happens alot) then we clench our fists so tightly we can injure our hands in our sleep. like we were even getting calouses on our hands from our fingernails when we clenched our fists in our sleep

anyways just kinda popped into my head cos i noticed we have those wierd marks on our hands again today

viola

p.s some nites we have nightmares & dont even remember, like we just wake up feeling weak & shakey & anxious as if there was a super bad nightmare but nobody remembers it. so like we know it happeens even if nobody remembers
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3070
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby MakersDozn » Tue Nov 10, 2020 10:12 pm

Hi Viola,

Sorry about the nightmares and pain.

We remembered the Teg/Tegan thing but didn't want to say anything until/unless you did.

Wishing you peace as you sort things out.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
Blog | Our Story | Journey
User avatar
MakersDozn
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4163
Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:31 pm
Local time: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Wed Nov 11, 2020 1:09 am

thankyou MDs

viola is reallysad tonite
but shes happy you wrote to us
we hope you have goodnight
were going to bed soon

ciara&teg
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3070
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby MakersDozn » Wed Nov 11, 2020 1:47 am

Thank you, Ciara and Teg. We hope that Viola feels better soon.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
Blog | Our Story | Journey
User avatar
MakersDozn
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4163
Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:31 pm
Local time: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:12 pm

thanks MDs we really appreciate it

------------------


*** trigger warning - vague mention of trauma stuff ***



so we had T again yesterday and Ciara's like, idk some kind of champ or something. Our best friend once said there's something unstoppable about 10yo girls and we kinda agree.

she's been trying to talk to our T about some stuff for weeks & the rest of us have been holding her back i guess but she knows we gotta deal with it to start to heal & stuff

so yesterday she was finally able to do it & flat out said the csa words that alot of the rest of us havent wanted to even think about. she didnt use initials tho she said the actual words out loud.

the rest of us were all kinda hiding or asleep except for Em cos Em has to be watching incase of trouble & stuff but Em & Ciara were like, em acknowledged it had to be said and even tho she didnt want to hear it she told ciara it was ok to go ahead with it

i only remember bits & pieces of it, like when i finally came back to front some of the memories were still there. kinda mix of ciara's & em's memories. like ciara rarely looks at the T, she usually looks around the room, or focuses on her kitty stuffy that she holds & plays with when she's at T. but Em watches the T & saw when ciara started saying the hard words, our T kinda did the whole 'sit up & take notice' thing like her whole posture changed & stuff which was kinda freaky to see.

we also have part of what might be a memory, a room and a person in that room & a sense that the person was gonna do something terrible. we dunno if its an actual memory image or if its like just a reconstruction or imagination based on other memories.

we're not digging this stuff up, like we're not trying to uncover stuff or poking & prodding at it, its just stuff that came up on its own while Ciara was talking to our T.

today we're not feeling well, like feeling kinda yucky. i figure its cos of stress or cos of like a bodily reaction to the stuff from therapy.

we're also feeling alot of like pushback or w/e, like denial thots & stuff, trying to make all this unreal again & huge urge to push it all back away or find some way to explain howits not real & none of this stuff is true.

its hard.

viola
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3070
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby MakersDozn » Sat Nov 14, 2020 3:59 am

Amythyst wrote:so we had T again yesterday and Ciara's like, idk some kind of champ or something. Our best friend once said there's something unstoppable about 10yo girls and we kinda agree.

Yeah, Ciara is very brave.

Hannah who's 10 and who decided we should never get married or have kids
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
Blog | Our Story | Journey
User avatar
MakersDozn
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4163
Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:31 pm
Local time: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Thu Nov 19, 2020 3:38 pm

hi Hannah thanks for writing! 10yo girls rock, I think. ^^


-----



we saw our T yesterday & we didn't really talk at all about the bad stuff from way back when. instead we talked about different hard stuff.

we had to talk about like, T stuff. which is really hard cos we get scared of making her annoyed with us or being too needy or too complicated or w/e that she wont want to see us anymore cos we're such a bother to her.

it was cos one of her staff called us the day before our session and asked if we could do video-therapy instead of inperson. cos we've been inperson for a few months but its getting bad and our T is mostly doing video again.

she talked to us a couple weeks ago and said we might hafta do video again but i guess we had the impression (or Ciara & Teg got the impression) that it would be her who said it? and the person who called didn't say it was a 'hafta' she said more like 'could we'

anyways so when we were at our session Em wanted to talk with the T cos she wanted to explain stuff.

she told our T that when we see her name on our phone it automatically switches us to little cos its almost always a little who does therapy? and Em said that if the staff phrase stuff like 'could we?' or 'it would be better if?' that still leaves an out and she said that littles will try to bargain and stuff if theres any wiggle room at all.

she also told our T that its not that we dont trust the other people but T is the 'authority' so we're always more comfortable getting stuff from her. like cos i guess people lie to us in the past, or maybe we misinterpret stuff? and like if we do something cos someone told us to do that, then later we get in trouble because it was wrong, then nobody believes us tht we were doing what we were told. its always our fault. so we wanna hear the right thing from our T.

and we were skared that saying all that stuff would make our T angry or make her think we were too much work or something cos we have all these special requirements and special needs and stuff, were tood ifferent and stuff. but our T said it was ok. she said she knew if she called and talked to us that we'd understand.

also our T said she thinks were doing good and have progress and stuff and she doesnt want to do video with us cos she thinks were better inperson but she said sometimes we hafta cos its for everyones safety. but even inperson we do lots of special rules and theres handspray and masks and stuff. and the puppy is still there but we cant pet her anymore we just see her sometimes.

so i think it was ok but we were still scared to talk about that stuff with her.

now we just talked on the phone to the mother and that was annoying but Em and Viola did it. it was mostly Em i think.

the mother saidd that when she talkes with us someetimes we sound different, cos today we sounded different. Em got annoyed but didnt say anything cos the mother says she knows about the DID but she doesnt really listen and stuff and Em says we sound different cos we are different and shes just talking to different people but the mother doesnt wanna understand that so she ignores it.

now were supposed to do work stuff but we probably wont.

- a bundh of blendy usses
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3070
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 53 guests