Our partner

Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Johnny-Jack

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:05 pm

Thanks MDs, Gang.

Waste wants an "outside person" to love them and look after them. Like a parent to a child, but loving and caring instead of whatever the ###$ it was that we got.

The "outside person" stuff is important to them / their need because they don't seem to trust or believe that they can get this from anyone in the system. Because we're all as flawed and ###$ up as them maybe?

Thats why it feels impossible. Its depending on an outside source for fulfilment and validation and that's never a good strategy. Its too risky, too easy for people to take advantage.

And even if we ignore that, it still seems impossible considering the body's nearly 50 and none of us have ever even been in a relationship, only have like 2 friends and can't even rely on them that much.

I can understand what they want and why they want it but I think they're looking for something they're not gonna find. We can't wind back time and get adopted by better parents.
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3054
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 9:01 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby MakersDozn » Thu Sep 12, 2019 7:04 pm

Hi Mike,

I completely understand where Waste is coming from. Some of us have very similar feelings.

It's hard to work through. But maybe if Waste talked here, it might help. We'd listen.

Charity, with Mary nearby
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
Blog | Our Story | Journey
User avatar
MakersDozn
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4159
Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:31 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 9:01 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Thu Sep 12, 2019 9:16 pm

Thanks Charity & Mary.

Waste isn't oriented in the present. I don't know if they'd be able to write on here. We don't even know how much they understand about our situation, being a system and stuff. They're still... I dunno what to call it. Still lost?

We might be able to translate or something, if we can keep a connection with them long enough, but I don't know if they'd even understand what we were trying to do.

We just don't know where to begin with trying to help them. Tegan and Claire are in a similar "lost" state. I don't know about Nyssa or Guardian. I don't know if there are others like them that we haven't encountered yet.

Viola & Mike
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3054
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 9:01 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:24 am

Amythyst wrote:T had some questions for [L----] and a few things came up that... I dunno yet how to process. Stuff that feels like we kinda maybe suspected? Like it wasn't a huge shock to hear but it was still like troubling. Gonna take a while to even know how I feel about it, let alone find out how anyone else feels about it.

So I'm gonna write this out cos V2 wouldn't. I dunno either yet how to feel about it.

A few of us have said how our 'outside team' folks can't get into our inner world. Arin was really upset about it cos she originated there, but when she grew up, she wound up out here and couldn't get back in. Same with me, I kinda started in there but when I was ready I came out, and never went back.

In the meantime we've got this 'front room' area that like... just sorta was there one day? Nobody made it. I just wound up in there when I wasn't fronting. I don't even remember when it appeared. I know it was already there like 6 months ago, but yeah, noone knows when it appeared, or who made it.

Then all that chaos started up inside in like, April or May? And then we noticed Melissa hanging out a lot in the front room with me. Noone would say anything, but there was this worry that maybe she'd 'transfered' out front and couldn't get back inside either. Like there's some kinda 1-way gateway or something.

Then suddenly like 2 weeks ago the meeting room appeared, got furnished, and Charlie and Janet turned up in there, and seemed to just stay there. We wondered if they were now stuck too. Then the other morning Ewan turned up too, first in the void, then the front room. He normally stayed with Janet & Melissa, but he'd got lonely.

Anyways, so back to what L---- explained yesterday. Cos this was the first time anyone had given us some of these answers. According to L---- :

Our inner world was built on sturdy dissociative walls. Until recently, most of us lived entirely in there, highly dissociated from the outside. But some years ago, the dissociative walls started to come down. They're what support / supported that inner world. Without those walls, the inner world itself is crumbling.

As indivudual parts become more aware of the outside world and more oriented with the present, their perception of the inner world becomes less and less safe & stable, eventually dissolving completely.

So for those of us who front regularily, who're fully in the present, that inner world basically doesn't even exist any more. That's why Arin or me can't get back in there. For us, it doesn't even exist any more.

L---- didn't exactly say it, but we figure that these new rooms we can see and access, are going to keep appearing as more and more of us make this migration. A new inner world that's connected to the present, replacing the 'deeper' one that was built ontop of the old dissociative walls.

In the meantime she did outright say that the ones who're still in the old world, are safe there. That world protects them, but I guess also keeps them locked in the past. So that's like, the healing process I guess - to help them out of the past, and out of that world, into the present and into the new place.

Finally, at home after the session, L---- told V2 that she would stay in the old world till everyone was safe, that would be the last to leave it. She also apparently wrote some stuff in our journal but its not in english and I can't read it. :?

Anyways.

Today's been a messed up day and now that I've written all this stuff out I'm feeling a bunch of denial coming up, like this all sounds crazy af and someone things I'm an idiot for sharing it. :?

Actually no I don't care if you think this is crazy, here's some more.

Just before I decided to write this stuff out I saw Janet in the front room looking out through our eyes. She's always been super shy and hidden but she was really curious. So I gave her a tour of the house, and introduced her to our 4 cats and our aquarium. I showed her the squirrel stuffy we'd bought for her and she named him Mister Scribbles.

She's adorable and looks about 4 years old, but I'm pretty sure she age slides because I've also seen her look 12. She's wearing a long yellow nightgown and way back when I started typing she got bored and wandered away carrying Mister Scribbles in her left hand. (she has a copy of him inside with her.)

I'm positive these denial-y feelings are coming from Trina, and I'm pretty sure you're the one who's nuts if you're standing inside our head watching me type and while telling me that's not what's happening. :P

Viola

eta: sorry this post got so longwinded. Lotta stuff going on in our head lol.
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3054
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 9:01 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Sat Sep 14, 2019 12:19 pm

Last night Viola kinda woke me up & pulled me into the front room / meeting room area, and we had a sort of wierd experience. It was like being coconsious but we were both 'inside'? Like we were in each others heads at the same time?

Like we're looking at each other, and I could see her, like looking at her face and stuff, and at the same time I was aware of also looking at me, through her eyes, *and* also aware she was 'seeing' herself through my eyes.

I dunno its like telepathy or something, but it was really wierd. Not like unpleasant, but just wierd.

We didn't spend alot of time trying to figure it out or whatever, just sorta like "oh that's cools but wierd!" but then we got quickly distracted by um, other things... :oops:

This morning tho it makes me kinda sad or whatever cos I'm stuck again in our awful outside body and I hate that people see that instead of seeing the real me. :(

V2
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3054
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 9:01 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Sep 14, 2019 3:04 pm

That sounds like a nice, close experience you had together. I'm sorry you're feeling sad this morning. :(
TheGangsAllHere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3926
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 4:15 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:01 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Sat Sep 14, 2019 6:00 pm

Thanks Gang. :)

We've been completely exhausted most of the day, trying to get chores done & stuff but just feeling wiped out. Seems theres stuff going on inside. "Construction" apparently. :?

V2
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3054
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 9:01 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby MakersDozn » Sat Sep 14, 2019 10:27 pm

Hi V2,

We don't have anything particularly brilliant to say, but we're reading and sending you all support.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
Blog | Our Story | Journey
User avatar
MakersDozn
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4159
Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:31 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 9:01 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Sep 15, 2019 12:20 am

Amythyst wrote:Thanks MDs, Gang.

Waste wants an "outside person" to love them and look after them. Like a parent to a child, but loving and caring instead of whatever the ###$ it was that we got.

The "outside person" stuff is important to them / their need because they don't seem to trust or believe that they can get this from anyone in the system. Because we're all as flawed and ###$ up as them maybe?

Thats why it feels impossible. Its depending on an outside source for fulfilment and validation and that's never a good strategy. Its too risky, too easy for people to take advantage.

And even if we ignore that, it still seems impossible considering the body's nearly 50 and none of us have ever even been in a relationship, only have like 2 friends and can't even rely on them that much.

I can understand what they want and why they want it but I think they're looking for something they're not gonna find. We can't wind back time and get adopted by better parents.


I think that's probably kind of "Normal" with DID, for a part of you to want that care that you didn't have. I know there's a part or parts of me that want that.

Before my most recent hospital admission I was fiercely independent. Since my bf was so good with me while I was in crisis, while I was in the hospital, since I've been home I've taken a back seat. A social worker pointed out "what's going to happen with this relationship once you're back to being fiercely independent"

That combined with other things here made me realize I'm not the "me" I was before hospital. I remembered I was inside and she was outside. Growing at the same rate, like a reflection of eachother and for a while I kept seeing things in as a mirror image which is weird but makes sense. I had helpers internally she had Nobody out here and I let people help. She's going to hate this. What I'm hoping is that by the time she's back out here and I'm in there life will be such a routine she'll slip into it and won't push the bf away and there will be a balance. I might be hoping too much.

Anyway I feel similarly, a need for someone to do some caring. I think it's a really natural thing to want considering. Striving on with DID alone is like walking through a blizzard - a stick and a flashlight help but we push them away because taking help means exactly what you said "the potential to be taken advantage of" - I know that's been massively felt within me too. I don't have those fears.

I think I don't have them because I embrace vulnerability. If you think about it a truly vulnerable person but who has the ability to stand up for themselves, recognise abuse and know they won't tolerate it is very difficult to take advantage of. And if someone is doing that then I'd bet we'd know and be allowing it - which basically means being in control of it.

I have found that with the bf the opposite has actually been true. All the fears were ungrounded. Sometimes people just need a chance to be supportive and caring. It hasn't been all roses, different parts react differently to him, but he has bent over backwards in being there for us in every way from taking us to appointments, dealing with when I was trapped in my body and couldn't coherently speak, listening to me, looking at legal matters for me, making my garden a peaceful place - so many ways I can't list them all.

The fear of being taken advantage of and the reality can be very different. The previous "me" before hospital wouldn't of let him do any of the stuff he's done. She found it shameful if he drove her to anything unless they were going out for a day out. She found his presence shameful, any kind of help shameful. I don't know why but that's the feeling of her. I don't find it embarrassing or shameful and also I see it as you're never more vulnerable than when you're a child - perhaps in old age if you also lost your thinking capabilities but other than that being a child is the most vulnerable you can be so how I see it I been more vulnerable and survived so it's ok to be vulnerable.

I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense but the main thing I wanted to say is that I've felt similarly, these look like natural feelings to me and they're ok to have.

Obsidian - first time I've confidently used that!
Monte Carlo or Bust
Rose and Patrick
Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
User avatar
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2236
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 2:01 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Sun Sep 15, 2019 9:52 am

Hey thanks MDs, thanks Obsidian.

Yeah I dunno Mike's worry about being taken advantage of is probably from experience. Previous host was a push-over / doormat, and now V2 can be a bit too eager to please and not really stand up for ourself enuf. :?

Trying to work with Waste is gonna be hard I figure, cos they're so deep / disconnected / whatever. There's a handful like them, still lost & confused & in the dark places. :(

Viola
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3054
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 9:01 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Allcoulors and 47 guests