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Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:42 am

I'm feeling kinda wierd lately and I dunno how to explain it. Like, back around April/May we had a bunch of bad stuff come up, some really traumatized littles made themselves known, and then it was a couple months of really bad feelings and being like constantly triggered inside.

Then Arin disappeared, and stuff's been kinda starting to be quiet. It's just like, me and Melissa and Viola, with Rebecca and Mike kinda in the background.

Now I kinda feel like, there's something important and I'm forgetting what it is? Like that's the feeling? Like I don't think I'm forgetting any of us, but stuff's been so quiet inside after being so loud and messy, it just feels like something's missing.

And like, we never fixed anything, never really helped any of them. They just kinda went back into hiding or whatever? Stopped overflowing their hurt to where we could feel it. :( When I ask inside I get that Guardian's basically keeping everyone in lockdown again like before. :(

There's still some bad feelings but they're smaller and I dunno if it's from them or just like, normal day to day bad feeling stuff.

We are having trouble with like day to day functioning stuff. Adulting and working and stuff. Like I'm having trouble focusing and remembering stuff and the last 2 days I've ended up disappearing and Viola's taken over.

Like way back when, me and V1 would split the day? Except we were doing stuff back then, getting stuff done. Now we're not. Or like we get a bit done then we kinda lose track of stuff and forget whats happening. Or like we just don't have the energy to do it.

I dunno what's going on. :? I feel kinda useless and broken and I dunno what's going on.

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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Wed Aug 28, 2019 2:42 pm

Bringing this here from the how are you thread cos it got too long and ranty and stuff.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Hi V2. I think I missed the part about what disaster would happen if you put your needs first, as you should, and let other people be responsible for getting their own needs met??

When you feel lonely, don't you try to figure out what you can do to take care of that? Why are the rules different for your mother? What if you only visited her when (if) you want to?


As for our mother... I dunno. I think the thing is she's holding her promise to help us financially, in return for us coming and visiting and stuff. Which TBH if she was clear about that, it'd be fine. Like whatever, give us the money you promised and we'll visit X times. Pay us to visit if you wanna put it that way.

She did outright say the other day, she doesn't wanna be just like there to give us (sister & us) money.

Except that's all she is to the sister. Sister, who has a fulltime job for almost a year now, is still living rent-free cos the mother pays her mortgage and property tax. Mother literally owns the house sister lives in, yet hasn't been allowed in the front door in over a year, and sister barely talks to her.

So we hafta be the one to keep the mother company, and maybe we'll get some scraps of whatever's left after the lions share goes to the sister. Yes there is a lotta bitterness going on in here about all of this.

And then ontop of all that, it's like fine she doesn't wanna be just like there for money. But she's got nothing else? Like she's incapable of providing emotional support. She's not supportive in any other way. We've got nothing to talk about with her cos she doesn't wanna hear about our problems or our interests and all she's got is complaints about immigrants and other racist crap that's offensive to listen to. :x

And I dunno how to explain all this in a way that she won't turn into a personal attack that gets her all upset and goes into victim mode so we hafta be all pacifying and comforting to her. :x I feel like I can't even say stuff right, like trying to explain how frustrating it can be dealing with her.

*** trigger warning: mention of parental death ***

There's a song by They Might Be Giants called "I Palindrome I" and someone has been singing the opening line of this song in our head, on and off, for literally months.

"Someday Mother will die and I'll get the money"

On sunday when we were visiting with the mother they kept singing that line Really Loudly in our head, like alot. :roll: Today I looked up the song to see what the rest of it was and it was a little surprising / disturbing.
Lyrics to I Palindrome I

Between the 1st verse and the 2nd verse, depending how you take it, it feels like the song is about killing the parent to get the inheiritence? Or at least I wonder if that's what someone inside gets out of it. :?

I'll say to be utterly utterly clear we'd never ever do anything like that. We couldn't hurt anyone.

Its just, I guess theres some inside who really don't like the woman. And I guess with what I've already learned and stuff, I can't blame them?

*** end trigger warning ***

I dunno. It's bothering me.

I think there's a push from inside to just cut off contact and walk away.

But then there's also this thing like damnit we (previous host) gave that family all the best years of our life to support them in every way we could, they exploited us for years through work and stuff, we deserve our share of the payback when they're gone! :x

They ######6 did this to us and now that we're ###$ up and need help, now they can't deal with that and its like if they can't find some new way to exploit us then I guess they have no use for us at all. :x :x

Its not ######6 fair that we should lose all we put into it now cos we're done being ######6 exploited and used and $#%^! :x :x

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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Wed Aug 28, 2019 9:22 pm

We had therapy today. Didn't talk at all about that mother stuff. Got the feeling we weren't allowed.

Instead we talked about memory stuff and brain fog stuff, like from the scatterbrained vs amnesia thread.

I told T about the stuff I wrote in that thread, and how like we can barely make tea or do laundry without lots of reminders and alarms and stuff. Even with having a pretty good routine that we can follow, we need to write almost everything down on the todo list or our calendar app or it gets forgotten.

She agreed it sounded like depersonalization / dissociation. Like we're just constantly dissociated from our body / our life to some degree. Sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse.

Going by stuff previous host wrote on her blog and stuff, this has been our normal state for like, over a decade now. I don't know if its getting worse or we're just becoming more aware of it and that makes it seem worse. T said tho that being more aware of it is a good thing.

T said that its when the emotional part of the brain goes into overdrive it shuts down the rational / thinking / planning part of the brain. Or like they're out of balance, and that's like the brain fog, is that front part of the brain running at half speed or whatever. And when it shuts down completely thats when the fog closes in and we just stop functioning completely.

T said it was important to work on grounding and mindfullness excercises, she says that will help us to get more 'present' and less foggy, less depersonalized. There's reluctance to this stuff tho, I don't know why or from which part(s). Just, a feeling like we don't wanna do those excercises. maybe were just lazy lol.

She also said it's another kinda defence mechanism thing, like DID itself. Like basically at some point in our life things were just too overwhelming and unbearable so our brain just kinda stepped back and wrapped the fog around, so whatever that stuff was, it'd be out of our awareness. We still function in the immediate present with whatever's right infront of us, but everything else kinda fades out.

At the end we talked about some stuff we'll try at next week's session, some visualization excercises, to try to help get through the fog and connect more. She said building more internal connections with other parts will help too.

I probably have lots of this in the wrong order and probably forgot stuff. I took notes before coming home but all the details are already mixed up and blurry and stuff. :?

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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Aug 28, 2019 11:42 pm

Amythyst wrote:T said it was important to work on grounding and mindfullness excercises, she says that will help us to get more 'present' and less foggy, less depersonalized. There's reluctance to this stuff tho, I don't know why or from which part(s). Just, a feeling like we don't wanna do those excercises. maybe were just lazy lol.

She also said it's another kinda defence mechanism thing, like DID itself. Like basically at some point in our life things were just too overwhelming and unbearable so our brain just kinda stepped back and wrapped the fog around, so whatever that stuff was, it'd be out of our awareness. We still function in the immediate present with whatever's right infront of us, but everything else kinda fades out.


There's a lot of tough stuff going on that you've been writing about. I can't help thinking these things are related. If you're trying to protect yourself from feeling all that rage at your mother and the feelings about your life that Arin was carrying, it would make sense that things would be foggier--it takes a lot of energy to keep all of that stuff out of constant awareness.
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Thu Aug 29, 2019 1:02 am

Thanks Gang,

When we first read what you wrote we started crying and I don't really know why.

I think you are right tho. Like, it didn't even occur to me that these things are connected. Like I did those three posts here today and felt them all being like totally separate disconnected things.

But of course everythings connected cos we're all in the one body and one system and stuff.

Still feeling like crying or someone's still crying inside. :cry:

V2 & team Amythyst
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby MakersDozn » Thu Aug 29, 2019 2:10 pm

We care, V2 and all. We're sorry that you're going through this. But we agree with what your T said and are glad that you have her.

We hope things get better for you soon.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Thu Aug 29, 2019 3:11 pm

Hey thanks MDs, we really appreciate it.

I think some of us were kinda like, struggling to figure out what sorta stuff in our life was so messed up that it was better to live in like constant fog instead of knowing about it.

And like we finally had to admit that we just dunno, cos either it's completely hidden behind amnesia, or like maybe enough was hidden away that we just don't recognize anything as that upsetting. And either way that realization itself was kinda upsetting to some.

So we didn't get much sleep last night, trouble falling asleep then we got woke up early by a trauma-like dream. :?

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Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Fri Aug 30, 2019 2:40 pm

Amythyst wrote:At the end we talked about some stuff we'll try at next week's session, some visualization excercises, to try to help get through the fog and connect more. She said building more internal connections with other parts will help too.

So the 'visualization excercises' that V2 mentioned, that our T said we're gonna try next week? That's basically the meeting room thing. Big table, lotsa chairs, invite everyone to come sit & talk.

Not a new concept right, like we've known about that idea for almost as long as we've known we had DID. It's in a few of the books we've read. It's always been a sticking point cos some of us can't get inside. :?

But like, I think this is different. Partially cos of how our T put it. And probably also cos in some ways we're more ready for this? Like not just that its epxlained differently, but like we're just more ready and more able to accept some of these things and let our thots 'go there'.

Instead this time being like "ugh i can't get inside how can i do any of this its impossible" V2 was like, "Ok lets put this in our Front Room cos thats a place I can actually get to and actually see a couple other parts already."

And then it was "Well the Front Room isn't big enough for a huge table... so it needs to be expanded. What direction tho? Is it through that door? Or back here in the shadows?" and we dunno if it was V2, or maybe Melissa cos she was there, but it was like "Nope we are not ready to open the door yet." and the shadow part got lit up and it was a new room connected to the front room.

A big brightly lit room, like some generic corporate conference room. Bunch of different table styles have come and gone like trying to pick furniture on ikeas website kinda thing lol.

And all this started almost like automatically, just from T saying "this is what we can try next week" and its still going on in the background, like experimenting with different furniture and different furnishings. But the room itself is already there, it's already like a new addition to the earlier structure. We can see it, touch it, walk around it.

One bit's still fuzzy, I figure that's where it's still like 'open to further building' or whatever? Like where the front room had a shadowy area, is where the meeting room went. So the meeting room's shadowy area is where more stuff can be built next. I assume, lol.

Mostly like it's all kinda amazing in a way? Like, the contrast from say 18 months ago being all "aw how can we have meetings when we can't even get inside?" to now just like, ta-da now there's a meeting room where we all can get to, and it just sorta happened without a lot of effort.

When we actually see T next week she's gonna be like "ok lets start" and we'll be like "lol we're already done, here's what the room looks like, lets go!" :D

But, of course, there's also some little nagging bits like "ugh this is too easy its gotta be fake." and then "ugh that means we're fake. we're faking all this." and like trying to stir up the denial and doubts and $#%^. :roll: :x

Anyways. Like there's a lot going on inside. I was pacing around the house this morning with like a buncha different conversations going on. We ended up going out for like a 4km walk just to get the energy out while keeping up the conversations. (We got some stares lol cos some of the conversations were out loud haha.)

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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby MakersDozn » Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:18 pm

Progress! :)

Good luck with the exercise in your upcoming T session.

Mary and Allegra
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Fri Aug 30, 2019 8:03 pm

Thanks MDs. We're kinda looking forward to the next session. And hoping nothing big and upsetting happens before then, so we aren't like distracted from doing this stuff with her.

---

We've had a bunch of wierd stuff happen lately and its stuff I should write in our journal but my handwriting sucks and I'm too lazy to write it out, so gonna type it here cos its easier. :D

Earlier today we were out taking care of some errands and some work stuff. Came home and pulled into the driveway. Parked the car, turned it off. Then just sat there in the car, staring at a tree in the neighbors yard. For like 10 minutes or something?

Best way I can describe it is like, our brain shut off. It's like, we were coming home, but we forgot that you're not like, technically 'at home' till you get out of the car and into the house? Or like we forgot what to do at that point? Just, we forgot what to do next, so we just sat there.

But our brain wasn't like, entirely off. There was voice/thoughts kinda deep inside, talking.


"This is what T was talking about. Our emotional brain has been activated and the rational thinking part has shut down. Someone was probably just triggered by something. This happens a lot. This is why we were called 'space cadet' back in high school."

and i could remember, not like separate events, but like it was super familiar, like oh right, steph did this all the time too, just sat in the car staring at nothing for a while. Or sit at work staring at nothing. or at home. We just never think anything of it cos its such a common thing.

But even tho this little voice was pointing this stuff out, that didn't like snap us out of it. It was more like "oh, huh." and then just continue to sit there blanked out for a few more minutes. When we finally started moving again it was a little like waking up from sleep, like not physical slownes but mental grogginess?

The other two wierd things were just really really brief moments.

Sitting at our desk and I noticed a prescription pill bottle and didn't recognize the name on it, and thought "Whos pills are those, who the heck is #### ####?" and then a moment later was like "oh, its our pills, thats our name." :oops:

And the last one was, also sitting at our desk, and suddenly being surprised to realize our body is female. Like "Holy heck we're a girl!" and then immediately feeling stupid like, duh. :roll:

And like on the one hand we look at this stuff and think OMG stuff is getting worse and wierder. But then we're also like, no, no this is all pretty familiar. Like we don't necessarily remember these exact specific things happening before, but overall it feels like this stuff happens all the time and all that's changed is we're just actually noticing it, becoming aware of it.

Viola

ps and at least now I actually 'know' why the other kids called us a space cadet, lol. :lol:
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