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Sad that I can't be myself anymore

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Sad that I can't be myself anymore

Postby Muninn » Wed Aug 14, 2019 7:20 am

Hello,

I don't write usually here. But I reached a point where I feel I need help.

For very long time I existed unnoticed next to a series of personalities who thought they were alone. Then they discovered each other and started to look for more others and finally they found me, or rather I let them find me, because they made a nice an accepting impression at this point.

The problem is, that we are very different. I have different view on the childhood of the body than they do for example, or the people around us. But they are dismissive about it and call my psychotic or delusional. I could live with that, though. And I'm just ignoring the belittling speech about me in therapy, like I'm a lost child and they had to help me (or worse, change me), which is wrong, because I'm way stronger than they are.

It's more difficult for me, that they are also horrified by what I like and do. I do art, mostly horror and nsfw themes. I love writing dark stories. I also enjoy watching/playing horror games and movies. It soothes me, it makes me feel happy and alive.
For a long time, I could do this without problem, but since they found me and made efforts to be closer to each other, there is always someone of them aware of what I'm doing and they get horrified and feel sick, anxious or even physically ill by it.
To be clear. It is just fictional horror, like watching horror movies, or drawing dark creatures etc. I can differentiate between what is real and what is fiction very well and I never ever would want to have anybody hurt or terrified in real life.

I also don't want to hurt and terrify the guys in my head, really, that's why I didn't do much of this lately. But I'm also sad that I can't do anymore what I enjoy and what actually also helped them, despite they didn't know back then.

I wish I could bring back the dissociative wall we had before all the discovering happening. It worked well and I did process a lot of the stress and sorrow for them, without them knowing it. But now they are stressed out by outside stuff AND are even more stressed out by my method to sooth mind and body.

I don't know what to do. Therapist suggested to just do "nice" art instead. But that is really oversimplifying the problem here. And I don't want to do nice things. I want to be able to be me from time to time at least.
Real life Relationships don't work well if one part has to completely change themselves so that the other one can feel comfortable. They could create a room for one partner where they can have their hobby. Or one day in a week for themselves at least.

But in our case, how can I have my own room or my own day, if the others are in the same body and constantly watching and feeling terrified as soon as I watch something a slightly more intense than the most friendly kid's movie?

-Xtha (they, them)
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Re: Sad that I can't be myself anymore

Postby SeveralCrows » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:27 pm

Hi Xtha,

I can definitely relate with this.

You mentioned wishing the dissociative walls could go back up, and I know in some systems there are parts who can choose to put up a barrier for periods of time. It might be possible to learn how to selectively put up those barriers while you get to engage in your art.

Have you had an opportunity to reflect deeply on why these interests are so soothing? If you understand it well and can articulate it to the others, they might be able to accept it better even if their knee-jerk reaction remains discomfort. If they're open to it, maybe you could introduce them to some horror on the milder end of things and discuss it with them. You could learn about how they react to it and you can talk about what it satisfies in you. Does it relate to elements of your own internal experience that they still can't see through dissociative barriers? Slowly introducing them might actually help with system unity in the long-run, if they're open.

You're absolutely right that you can't suppress or change one for the sake of others.

I hope you get to do your art soon. Wishing you the best and hope you'll write again.

-Sev3
32F Human Body - OSDD-1 System of ~22 known parts, including fragments.
Sev3 is the main front and mostly identifies with the body.
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Re: Sad that I can't be myself anymore

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:29 pm

Hi Xtha,

There are degrees between all or nothing, and I find your T’s suggestion annoying and inappropriate. Have you explained to the others how this activity helps all of you? It’s possible for others to “go somewhere else” inside—the equivalent of the other side of the room with earplugs or even a different room. It just takes practice and cooperation.

***TW*** (mention of sex)

The closest thing we have to this is how to deal with all the littles when an older part is having sex. They have to agree to go somewhere else and not be right there for it.

***end TW***

I agree with what you’ve said about relationships and allowing each part to be themselves. It sounds completely reasonable to me. I think more conversations are in order so you can understand each other’s needs better and hopefully come to some kind of compromise that meets them best.
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Re: Sad that I can't be myself anymore

Postby IainEtc » Wed Aug 14, 2019 4:43 pm

The others used to tell me 'be nicer'. But our T told them 'Colin has to be Colin'. She knew I have important things to do. I scare the others sometimes. But I didn't hurt them - the bad guys did. I'm just making sure we're not easy to hurt anymore. Now they mostly let me deal with the hard stuff. If they're scared they deal with it.

Not sure what's going on with your T.

Good luck Xtha,

Colin
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: Sad that I can't be myself anymore

Postby Muninn » Thu Aug 15, 2019 7:56 am

Short thx for all your replies. Appreciate it. Have to go now, but will write more later
Xtah
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Re: Sad that I can't be myself anymore

Postby Muninn » Fri Aug 16, 2019 7:06 am

Hello,

I'm back and have more time to write a proper answer now.
Thank you for your replies.

Yeah, our T is a dick, or let's say he is not helpful at all and often just trumpeting out some common advice ("just do more sport, make friends"). It is not "bad advice", but it is also totally missing the target with it. I think we should dump him.

The others used to tell me 'be nicer'. But our T told them 'Colin has to be Colin'. She knew I have important things to do. I scare the others sometimes. But I didn't hurt them - the bad guys did. I'm just making sure we're not easy to hurt anymore. Now they mostly let me deal with the hard stuff. If they're scared they deal with it.

I guess, that it is somewhat similar with me. I deal with hard stuff, because I can handle it. They don't but it seems sometimes, that they prefer to have a breakdown because of overwhelming situations instead of letting me do my stuff.

I think more conversations are in order so you can understand each other’s needs better and hopefully come to some kind of compromise that meets them best.
That would be a good thing, but we struggle with communication. I try to talk to them, but it is sometimes, like we'd speak different languages and they are just annoyed or confused.
They started to react to this forum post, though. That's a start at least. Maybe we need more writing and less in-head-communications.

It’s possible for others to “go somewhere else” inside—the equivalent of the other side of the room with earplugs or even a different room. It just takes practice and cooperation.

You mentioned wishing the dissociative walls could go back up, and I know in some systems there are parts who can choose to put up a barrier for periods of time. It might be possible to learn how to selectively put up those barriers while you get to engage in your art.

I like these idea. I want to try this and I hope they also are willing to try it out.
I'm quite sure, that it is not a problem on my side to rise dissociative barriers, because I did that all the time. But recently they are blocking it with force.
I think, they are kind of scared that I could "take over" if they let me have my private time. But I don't want to handle this life on my own, really. I never did take over in the past. They just didn't know that I was there and everything was fine. Just want a tiny amount of me-time sometimes and I guess it would help us collectively if I deal with the negative stuff my way, because I can do it and they don't.

Have you had an opportunity to reflect deeply on why these interests are so soothing? If you understand it well and can articulate it to the others, they might be able to accept it better even if their knee-jerk reaction remains discomfort. If they're open to it, maybe you could introduce them to some horror on the milder end of things and discuss it with them. You could learn about how they react to it and you can talk about what it satisfies in you. Does it relate to elements of your own internal experience that they still can't see through dissociative barriers? Slowly introducing them might actually help with system unity in the long-run, if they're open.

I like these interests and activities, because it is a way to transform bad stuff (feelings, memories, nightmares), which are out of my control, into stuff I have control over. I have control over horrible creatures in a drawing. I say how they look, I can erase them, I can change them.
And watching dark movies/games give me authority over horror too. I have control over how deep I want to plunge into a scene. And I can enjoy it, because I know it is fiction and I can stop it.
To be honest... I also love the thrills, and I think it is way less dangerous to enjoy a horror movie, compare to real life outside thrills in which our body or even others could get hurt.

It is a good advice to reflect more on the topic. Will do that. I currently feel a lot of resistance from them to the idea of introducing them to some milder horror. Maybe it will change if I can articulate more accurate, or if they open up at least a tiny bit, to my own internal experience and are not just calling it out as wrong, because it does not match the meatspace-body experience, and therefore is no worth it to deal with.

Will be a lot of work I guess. But I am glad that I got some inspiring ideas from you here as first input.

-Xtah
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Re: Sad that I can't be myself anymore

Postby Muninn » Thu Aug 22, 2019 9:11 pm

Hope it is okay, to use this thread for an other problem of us, Xtah.

I have similar issues at work. Usually I am the one who is at work and it always was my strength to separate feelings from functioning. I was also appreciated by my coworkers for my skill to be "professional" and not taking criticism personal (we work in creative industry and it is part of the job, that you have to do a lot of changes and adjustments to your work until all important people are happy with it, and sometimes criticism can be worded a bit harsh).

But since dissociative barrier is lowered between us, but some insiders are getting so much triggered by everything there, especially by vague guidelines and follow up criticism because the actual requirements are not met. And now I'm getting these really stressed out feelings at work. They are not "mine", but they affect my ability to work a lot.
Today "I" had an almost breakdown, ending up fleeing to the toilet to cry a bit...or someone rather doing it, because it is a quite foggy memory for myself.
Not sure where this will end , because if you don't keep your standards and deliver, being fired is a common and quick response at our company.

It kind of sounds, like I want to blame other system members. That's not what I want to do. I understand their response to these situations (they explained why it is triggering and I understand that). But I still have to somehow bring back some of the old dissociation until these trigger feelings are getting better. And I don't really now, how to do it. Or if it is even something I could do and is not something they have to try and be more occupied inside, while I am at work.

-Kiran
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