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How to reject a narcissist?

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How to reject a narcissist?

Postby fireheart » Thu Jul 11, 2019 10:56 am

My ex has contacted me and wants to get back together.
He has been very sneaky and manipulative.
A while back Imade a mistake and took his offer for help and hegave me some money tohelppay for therapy.

This week he sent me an audio fragment of him recounting his dream about us. I wonder if it was a real dream. It was about cowboys and he said he "did everything to make it right, including robbing a bank".
I get the sense that he feels like now he has the "right" to get me back.

Then he asked if I wanted to come over. I said no. Then he asked if I wanted to stay inhis brother's house for a while, because they have a lot of Lego (trying to get the littles to front). I said no. Then he sent pictures of his nephew, one of them with glasses. He wrote that they are safety goggles from the shooting range that he goes to. This means he has a gun.
Then he sent me a letter asking to get back together, because according to him I am only supressing my feelings about him. He said "I am taking this huge risk and you could throw it back in my face", hinting that I shouldn't reject him.

I know all of these things are minor, but my gut tells me that this is incredibly unsafe. I am going to reject him, but what is going to happen? He will be extremely upset and potentially dangerous. What can I do? What is the best way to tell him?

I need some help. :(
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Jul 11, 2019 11:54 am

is that the person who told me about before? I thought it sounded creepy...
You need boundaries. You should probably not take more money from him.
it will need clear words. His 'openness' does not mean that you owe him a compromise.
neither does money.
we always set boundaries by telling people what we will do more than what they are supposed to do.
like: NO. if this comes up again I will block you everywhere and there won't be contact anymore.
if you come over I will call the police.
think of a consequence you are willing to follow through with that will support your no.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby fireheart » Thu Jul 11, 2019 4:29 pm

I transferred the money back.
Thank you for those tips. I will try that.
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Jul 11, 2019 4:40 pm

good job. money always seems to tie us to people...
don't be mean when you communicate. that would give him a chance to feel like the poor victim who got so vulnerable but then so rejected. just remember that true vulnerability looks different. he is just trying to meet his own needs here.
you deserve someone who truly cares about yours.
not accepting a no is a clear sign it is all about him.
sometimes you have to make clear that you will call the cops.
you are in a better position if it doesn't look like you owe him money.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby fireheart » Thu Jul 11, 2019 6:31 pm

Thanks.
I'm nowhere near perfect, but I think my response was good enough. He said he will respect my no.
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby Johnny-Jack » Thu Jul 11, 2019 8:42 pm

fireheart wrote:He has been very sneaky and manipulative.


Good for you for looking after your own needs and for reaching out for ideas. Your goal is basically to get this guy out of your life. However you do that successfully, for this specific person, in a way that protects you is a win in the end.

Normally I wouldn't recommend lying for anything but we all know there is a time and a place for it, if it's the safest way out. I'm not recommending you do any of this because I don't know how it fits your situation or this jerk. However, this all comes to mind so I'll post it.

One of my sisters travels a lot, in the past to interesting but dangerous places for a young single female. This was a result of our childhood in which she came up with a general belief: home = danger, anywhere else = safe. Off topic but a set up for the rest.

Instead of rethinking her travel plans, she came up with methods to make herself unattractive and unappealing.

*** potential trigger: mentioning gross things ***

The one I recall most vividly was that if she felt watched or stalked, she would...pick her nose. And make it as gross as possible. I think there were other gross things too, maybe chain coughing combined with spitting.

There are lots of medical conditions people deal with that they don't tell others about because they're gross or off-putting. A reluctant confession of one of these could be enough to make you less than desirable, at least for a while.

Some people are terrible liars. Some unfortunates can sound like they're lying even when telling the truth. If you're either, forget everything I'm saying. Also, sociopaths and the like may be skilled at picking up on lies because it's like their native language. Don't do anything to make matters worse! If you may have alters who might welcome him back or tell on other alters, ignore this post.

For me, we survived childhood by lying to our parents sometimes. Elsewhere we fabricated to cover up losing time, to explain away something another alter did, etc. We used to be an excellent liar but that's faded due to lack of need and joint decisions. If pressed though, I'm sure we could come up with something that would make a person prefer to avoid me. For just one example, a relative had neck problems and eventually had a sterilized cadavre bone replace a vertebra. I've experienced neck problems too. Can you imagine how I might express concerns, using graphic and gross images about what's "likely" to happen to me that would not be a totally fabricated lie? But I might just pick some gross, infectious skin condition or an STD.

*** end trigger ***

I've also used having clinical depression, when I was depressed and when I wasn't. I would use it as an excuse for not being able to respond or make decisions or think things out. See sometimes this has been completely true. I've also told people I'm unable to remember anything (always halfway valid) or too confused right now to make any significant decisions whatsoever. We know how to make us look pathetic or weird or unattractive or crazy if needed. It's not ideal to explain things in a way that leaves open a future.

I'm offering these thoughts as potential ideas, something to put in your quiver for an emergency or as a later options because some people will violate boundaries no matter how clearly you communicate them.
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Jul 12, 2019 6:33 am

Johnny-Jack wrote:*** potential trigger: mentioning gross things ***

The one I recall most vividly was that if she felt watched or stalked, she would...pick her nose. And make it as gross as possible. I think there were other gross things too, maybe chain coughing combined with spitting.


I laughed til I cried over this. Thanks for sharing :lol:
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby BeccaBee » Tue Jul 16, 2019 11:32 am

how do you know he is a narcissist? out of curiosity....

so they feed off you. take away the food. that means you just dont interact with them. dont ever answer the phone when they call. dont see them in person. but conversely dont make a big thing about ending it either. just dont feed them anything. nothing for their ego, no drama. nothing they can resent. be very boring, very apathetic, and very unavailable. the connection will atrophy and the narcissist will move on.

but NEVER EVER EVER disclose your battle plans. COLD. AS. ICE.
dont feed the narcissists. and withdraw slowly so they dont notice.....
Female, 37
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby birdsong87 » Tue Jul 16, 2019 11:42 am

damn right. :lol:
we read a textbook for the treatment of narcissism and they actually use the word feeding.
the T is feeding the N. stuff to CREATE A SENSE OF CONNECTION.
you probably want to do the opposite.

I think we have this ability to looks at narcissistic people like they are batshit crazy in the way they approach us that makes them want to go away in silence.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby fireheart » Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:49 pm

Thankyou!

I did also laugh about your tips Johnny-Jack

Beccabee, I was in a relationship with the guy as he had a mental breakdown. At some point he took an online test for narcissism and he was NOT ashamed of it at all ("of course I view myself as better than other people, haha!") He took the results to his T and she said: "Yeah, of course. Is that really a surprise to you???"
I thought it was OK as long as he was working on it in therapy...
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