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How to reject a narcissist?

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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby BeccaBee » Thu Jul 18, 2019 7:24 pm

oh yeah. that's a 99.44% nope. they dont get better with therapy. I humbly suggest to fully excise this person from your life with wide margins. completely separate social circles. withdraw using skill and subterfuge so they dont really notice.

my daughters father is a run of the mill narcissist with a dark temper. I cannot completely extricate without complete flight and relocation. we come on his radar around the winter holidays. for Thanksgiving, a bday, Christmas. and again in the summer for fathers day and another bday. in between I just steer clear and stay off his radar. when we interact I am about as interesting as a dog pissing on a dandelion.

narcissists are really wounded and damaged people. they cannot love or feel empathy. but they can be highly skilled manipulators. no doubt they will use you for their own ends with no thought for your well being. avoid them. you may want to read up on some manipulation tactics so you can be knowledgeable and prepared. like gaslighting and love bombing. etc.

dont want to be too preachy. I know summer is a rough season. it's well intentioned. sorry you have to deal with one. they are parasites.
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby fireheart » Mon Aug 19, 2019 7:21 am

Thanks, BeccaBee.



The time has come. He's contacted me again. I had set the boundary of no-contact for three months, thinking that (1) it would concretely show whether he actually DOES stick to boundaries, (2) hopefully wean off his interest, (3) I was hoping I could extend it to "until I feel ready to contact you again" after the three months. So that it would be less... obvious that I'm trying to not have contact again.

He wrote that my request of 3 months without contact is starting to irritate him. You didn't give him a reason, I suddenly think he is trying to get me to do sexual things, I transferred him back the money saying that I was afraid "it may give the wrong impression". What would that be? That makes him the most angry because he was just trying to help and whatever I think about it is untrue. "You never gave me a reason and now I have to wait 3 months to hear "what I've done wrong". I didn't do anything except for expressing my feelings, I didn't force you into anything, I only expressed my feelings and this is your response. I respect your boundaries, but this request, without any form of explanation, is an insult, like I am a bitch who would just wait three months. That's not how I am."

Ok so clearly I messed up? I don't think it is necessary to explain it more than I did. I said I felt unsafe and that I need some distance (AT LEAST three months).
But I guess that isn't obvious enough. I worry that if I respond with "if you will contact me again I will block you" he will only get more angry.
I don't know what to do. I clearly suck at boundaries. And of course this message makes me doubt whether I really did that stuff in a way that was too harsh. But also, I am SO much happier now than when I lived with him. I feel much more free. And he did do some proper bad things.

I really don't know what to do with this. Could use some support.
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby birdsong87 » Mon Aug 19, 2019 8:19 am

the fact that he is not a normal person who understands normal boundaries is going to make things difficult.
you gave him a reason, right? sometimes for normal people they need further explanation to see what they have done wrong. but for him, it might just be that he doesn't like your reason and this fake image he has of himself is dominating his reality and he gives $#%^ what you feel like.
when you said the boundary, did you include a consequence of what you would do if he doesn't stick to it? then it would be time for this consequence.
the stuff you shared was really weird $#%^ and even if he makes it sound like he is showing a normal reaction...
look at whose needs he is trying to meet with what he wrote you. it is all just about him. about his self-esteem, his wishes, his impatience and anger. did he even ask how you are doing and if you are feeling any better and reaching your goals?

personal opinion but I don't think this person is adding any value to your life. he is trying to get value from you. you wouldn't lose much if you cut him off for good. try to do it in a way that makes it clear to him what happened, silent boundaries don't work that well, just letting it fade out is not a strong boundary, it is basically none at all, just hoping for the best.

when we set the serious boundary with the head of our abuser family we wrote a short, precise letter, with I want ____ and I don't want ____ sentences, listing our wishes for the future of that relationship. that felt really strong and it was one of the boundaries that was the most respected over the last few years.
I really hope you can figure this out.
all emotions are on his side here, don't take any of that stuff on yourself. manipulation can thrive where we don't set an inner boundary with it
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby BeccaBee » Mon Aug 19, 2019 10:18 am

well first things first. assess your physical safety.

birdsong has great advice about boundaries but a narcissist won't respect them and they will become further enraged. nothing you say or write will change the current narrative - he is a hero and you are a crazy ungrateful bitch. and nobody is going to play him for a sucker.

It's not clear how entwined you really are. if you are physically safe -- your best bet may be to either not respond. or respond in a very non-committal you are the king and I dont deserve you right now.

it's hard to give advice when there are so many unknown variables. what I will say is never take your eyes off the goal -- getting this person 100% completely out of your life. whatever that looks like. it may mean "did you? i never check that email anymore."

only you know this guy and how he will react. remember the golden rule: Dont Feed the Narcissists. regular boundaries are never going to work. you have to starve them out.

do not attempt to explain yourself in any way that is the truth. it gives them ammo and exposes your vulnerabilities for further attack and gaslighting. if a response is necessary keep it in line with his narrative. you are right. I dont know why I said that. maybe things will get better in a while. you always helped me I'm just trying to figure some things out.....you know. the whole it's not you, it's me. thing. **yes its lying. lying is a necessary tactic when disengaging. he wants food. dont give it to him. never agree to see him in person. hard boundaries will enrage him. sometimes it's worth making a stand BUT ONLY if he will be punked down. standing up to my narcissist is done ever so rarely. we have a 15 year history now, so he bloody knows I ######6 mean it.

but usually standing up to a narcissist means they go a little big bad wolf on you. this is a very good metaphor actually. here he comes knocking on your door, "little pig, little pig, let me in" and you say, "not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!" and he says....then I'll HUFF.....and I'll PUFF.....and I'll BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!

that's some scary $#%^ when they do it right. make sure your house is secure and let the big bad wolf hyperventilate until he gets bored.
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby Sarandipity » Mon Aug 19, 2019 5:50 pm

Was with a guy diagnosed NPD for about 8 years altogether, with a 4 year gap.. I left him the first time after 5 years, I didn't know he was a narcissist at that point. In the next 4 years I read loads and loads about all different disorders trying to work out what was wrong with me and that included alot of research into narcissism because of "narcissists wearing a mask" I got back together with him due to having a trauma and surprise surprise he was right there waiting to feed off of that, which he did. He told me he was diagnosed NPD. I recoiled in horror and he lied constantly after that saying he didn't have narcissism. Eventually, about 18months later he went to Schema therapy, like you I thought if he got help perhaps it'd be ok, it was not.

Narcissists take any form of contact as attention or narcissistic feed. You could scream at him "I hate you" and he'll hear "I love you" So the best thing, which you'll read all over the internet, is to have zero contact. None.

If you're going to set a boundary you have to stick to it. When I split with the narcissist the second time I got a civil court order, he immediately broke it and I immediately reported that he broke it and he was punished. After that he didn't contact me again.

He was putting bags of his rubbish on my grass, and other stuff but that's what I remember because I called his brother and said what he'd done, said the rubbish (he eats and drinks very specific stuff) and asked his brother to talk to him about the things he was doing, because although his brother and I knew it's his rubbish, to a police officer it'd be unprovable... I just remembered he was killing my plants, only the Rosemary survived and I remember thinking how hardy Rosemary was compared to other plants. But it's unprovable without a camera. Anyway after telling his brother what he was doing the bags of rubbish stopped, probably out of shame of looking so petti or something.

But zero contact is 100% necessary.

I'm having loads of issues with my family at the moment. Was in hospital so seen as weak, an easy target etc. They have made my life really really difficult, I won't go into details, but I'm going to have to stop all contact with them too. I tried minimising contact for the last 10 years but they are still having a negative impact and it's time to stop all contact.

Much luck. Getting rid of a narcissist is really hard.
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby fireheart » Tue Aug 20, 2019 6:46 am

Thank you all for writing. This really helps to feel heard and less alone in this.

My dad is also a narcissist, and I broke contact when I was 16 years old. As a result, he showed up to my house (I lived with my mum) just to tell me that I'm a horrible person and would never be welcome again, even if I wanted to stay with him. It was his response to my rejection of him.
There was drama about it, like my sibling secretely taking pictures of me to show my dad and telling me that they could not see me without sharing Everything with him.
Later I started showing up again for the minimal things. One birthday and Christmas. And now they are back to sincerely not caring about me, which is great! That is what I wanted, to be left alone.

So maybe I should engage in a similar practise with my ex. Maybe rejection is what stirs things up. I feel trapped in that sense. It IS hard to know what to do. It's like trying to predict the future.

Safety-wise: he doesn't know where I live, we don't have mutual friends, but he does know where I work. I am afraid he will show up to work and stab/shoot me. But I think that fear is based on many stories that have been in the news lately, and not necessarily reality. If he would do that, it would really damage the image he has of himself as the hero.

But if I respond about how he has helped me, etc. Am I feeding him?

This is an option for a response:
"Hi ...

This is the last time I will respond.

I'm grateful that you offered to help me. You've helped me over the years and that is also why I trusted you enough to even bring it up, but I think it's time for me to stand on my own two feet. That is what I meant when I said that it may give the wrong impression: it is about me. I need to step up and help myself.

That is also the reason I need space. I need to live my own life now. I appreciate the time we spent together, and I'm sorry that I responded in an unexpected way to your email. As I explained on the phone: we have had that conversation before, and I don't feel that way about you.

In order for me to grow up and stand on my own two feet, I don't think we should be in contact. You can respond to this message, but afterwards please don't contact me again. If you do choose to contact me, I will block you. "

What do you guys think? I know I suck.
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby BeccaBee » Tue Aug 20, 2019 10:09 am

I think you are lovely, fireheart. you dont suck.

I think it's beautiful except for the end. he already crossed the boundary...... maybe try, "I am blocking this number. please do not contact me again." I would eliminate any language that makes crossing your boundary a remote possibility. you do not want any response, correct? do NOT give him permission to respond. if you are going to stand up, do it all the way. remove any weakness.

backbone and poker face! you cant go halfway. go soft or go hard. but anything in between confuses them.
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby fireheart » Wed Aug 21, 2019 8:21 am

Thank you. Last night I thought about it right before going to sleep and I felt sorrow. It hurts to reject this guy because I anticipate HIS pain. I remember how he used to spend days crying (during his breakdown). I don't want to hurt him... I don't want to hurt anyone.

But it is the same as what it is like with my dad. You have to be a bit mean, otherwise YOU will get hurt a lot more than you would hurt them. It's not fair that there has to be hurt.

I will write to him. When I gather the courage and strength.
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Aug 21, 2019 2:06 pm

You're not being mean! You are asserting your legitimate needs, and someone who truly cared about you would respect them. I think you are taking on his point of view if you perceive that as "rejecting" or hurting him. This is not all about HIM, regardless of the fact that he perceives this (and probably everything) as revolving around him.

He is obviously not spending ANY time worrying about how all this is hurting you. None. It's all about how you've "insulted" him, how he has done no wrong and has only been trying to help, etc. If he was a normal person who cared about you, he would RESPECT YOUR CLEARLY STATED BOUNDARIES instead of blaming those boundaries for "hurting" him.

A person can feel hurt when they come up against a boundary, but blaming you for his feelings is a big trap. It's what a lot of us grew up with, but it isn't the way healthy people relate to each other.

Here's an example to show how it's supposed to be about you and your needs, and not about him.

Person A: "I'm feeling really tired right now--I thought I could stay up later, but I really need to go to sleep."

Normal Person B: "Oh, I'm really disappointed. I thought we would watch that movie together tonight."

(Then they make a choice about whether to watch it anyway, or find something else to do, or go to sleep early also. They DON'T spend time trying to convince you that you're not tired or that you should stay up anyway.)

Narcissistic Person B: "How could you DO this to me?? You SAID you would watch the movie with me. Now, because of YOU, I'll have to watch it alone. You've ruined my whole evening!!"

(And depending on how unhinged they are, they might either sulk and blame you for awhile, or decide to watch the movie at top volume so that you can't sleep anyway.)

I had a lot of fun writing that example--I'd write more but I don't have time right now. I hope it helps a little to put things in perspective. You're NOT being "mean."
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Re: How to reject a narcissist?

Postby fireheart » Wed Aug 21, 2019 10:05 pm

Oof. That is pretty hard to read! Clearly I'm repeating some childhood stuff here. Thank you for giving an example.

I remember that whenever I got a cold, he would just disappear. I guess a normal person would try to take care of someone who is sick, at least a little bit. He was mainly trying not to get sick himself, but even then... you could bring someone some tea or soup.

I've also been having some memories (flashbacks?) to times that were clearly very scary, but I didn't even realize that at the time.

Maybe I was smart after all, because I waited for him to break up with me. Maybe that saved me from some chasing. Clearly not from all of it though.
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