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We don't understand what we're doing wrong???

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We don't understand what we're doing wrong???

Postby KitMcDaydream » Thu Jun 13, 2019 6:55 am

Just a quick question on social rules as the Autism board doesn't seem to be as active and given everyone on there is also autistic we can't see how they can answer the question either.

Every time we join a forum or even something like social media, regardless of which alter joined and is trying to actively take part, we always inevitably seem to fail and reach a point where our posts are ignored or we don't get as many replies as others, or us adding to a subject seems to end that thread and no-one posts after.

Every adult alter has mentioned this frustration regardless of whether they didn't mention they were autistic and tried their best to come across as just like everyone else or whether we mentioned the autism hoping other people on the board maybe more flexible and 'make some allowances' for our autism.

As all alters are autistic to some degree, the same flaw is obviously coming out regardless of who is 'up front' and trying to 'fit in',but maybe because of this NONE of us can work out what we are doing wrong? Are we breaking some kind of 'unspoken social rule' that most people automatically know? :cry:



Kit and Gang (hoping someone answers)
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Re: We don't understand what we're doing wrong???

Postby Allcoulors » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:11 am

Could it be that its just you thinking that you are doing something wrong? Maybe other People on the forum are not actualy ingoring you or not commenting on posts anymore?
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Re: We don't understand what we're doing wrong???

Postby Dwelt » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:18 am

Hi !

I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

Something I've noticed is that neurotypical persons tend to feel inferior because they know fewer stuffs about specific subjects. Instead of listening to the autistic person and learn something, they will push them aside because it will trigger their low self-esteem.

I've got two friends in my class, one autistic (and DID) who has psychology as a specific interest, and another one, neurotypical who has anxiety disorder. They can't stay together for too long, because the neurotypical one will always end up feeling like sh*t even if the autistic one tries to make her comfortable. The neurotypical friend can't understand that the autistic one is a bit older than us and live to learn about psychology, so that's normal if she knows more about it than both of us together. Instead, and even if I tried to explain the above to her, she will beat herself and avoid the other one because she thinks she should know as much as the autistic friend. Which is a total nonsense to me, the brain of the autistic person is made to learn and memorize things, you can't reach their level at the same pace as them.

I admit the first time I've met my autistic friend, I was insecure about myself too at the end of the talk. But I knew it was totally in my head, and I really enjoy her company now.

But most people will prefer to preserve their self-esteem instead of learning something.

Another possibility is they will rather ignore you than letting you know you've lost their attention because of too much explanation.
I saw it with two of my autistic friends, and it's basically the story of my life. I've got "intellectual giftedness"(? in French we say "children with high potential" so I'm not sure it's the right term in English), which is not autism but lead to the same social issues, and people are too "polite" to let me know when I start to bother them with my never-ending explanations...
I would love to hear someone say to me : "I'm sorry, I know you love to talk about this, but I don't, and you're about to lose my attention. Can we talk about something else ?" rather than feeling like something is weird but not be sure about what it is because the person is faking their interest in what I say.

So yeah, I'm pretty sure you don't do anything wrong. From what I saw with the few autistic friends I have, most of the time, it's the other people who are triggered because they take things as a personal level, even if there's nothing personal involved. There's nothing you can do to prevent this, it's because of their own issues.
The other half of the time, it's because they don't have the courage to tell you when you went too far with your explanations. It's still not your fault, people should learn to be honest and polite rather than polite and hypocrite.
And the last possibility is that you may know more than the others about what you're talking about, so they can't answer to you.

But as I say, it's from what I saw and my experience. Maybe someone else will think about another explanation ?
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Re: We don't understand what we're doing wrong???

Postby VioletFlux » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:33 am

Hi Kit,

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Here's a few things to keep in mind, when it feels like things have gone quiet or you're being ignored:

Almost everyone who's posting on here, faces struggles and challenges. Sometimes people's own problems are too big and they can't read or respond to others for a while.

Along the same lines, sometimes people read posts but don't have the spoons to respond. I know for us, we frequently want to respond but either don't have the energy to, or we're blocked. Like, for every post we actually submit I'd say we've written two more that were deleted instead of submitted. Our internal censors are strong. :?

And speaking just for ourselves, sometimes we read posts -- not yours in particular, but anyones -- and we just can't relate, or don't know what to say. Eg. we have no experience with relationship stuff, or outside children stuff, so we don't know what to say or whatever.

We've also noticed, the board itself seems to ebb and flow at times. It gets quieter. Then it gets busier again. We aren't observant enough to figure out when and why. Maybe it's seasons, or holidays, or whatever. Maybe its just random.

Anyways, I don't think there's any 'unspoken rules' or whatever. I think its just, sometimes people can't respond, sometimes it just takes time.

Arin
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Body: 49f • Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.Journey ThreadTeam Flux
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Re: We don't understand what we're doing wrong???

Postby myce » Thu Jun 13, 2019 1:42 pm

I mostly lurk because I don't like socializing very much and my energy is low. Plus I'm in a brain configuration who prefers debating and arguing, so I do that more on other forums where that behavior is more acceptable, haha. I always feel funny when my post was the last one on a thread too, but it's all normal and fine. I think you're just reading too much into nothing Kit and Gang.
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Re: We don't understand what we're doing wrong???

Postby hbodhi » Thu Jun 13, 2019 1:46 pm

I think it was very courageous of you to start this thread. We do not have autism and feel the same way many times. Instead of feeling ignored, we feel that no one will understand - that somehow we are too different.

That we will post something wrong, because we are new to the forum world and new to the DID diagnosis world. When we feel this happening we pull back and that does not help to be able to be here for others either.

T's solution as long as it feels supportive through reading past threads, posting to get something out without expecting a response, or just that others with trauma are out there - then it is a good thing.

I am working too on believing it is personal when others don't post, but agree with all the reasons Arin wrote about. I just wanted to let you know we understand and feel your struggle.
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Re: We don't understand what we're doing wrong???

Postby bejolley2 » Thu Jun 13, 2019 2:20 pm

Hello Kit and Gang,
I will just come right out and say I do not know much about autism. That does not mean I do not read your post as we have other things in common. I have a triple Dx, and would not think others would understand and sometimes these other Dx come through, no response from this but as long as everyone spots the DID then most of the time there is a response. I will try and be more mindful of autism and try to read up on some of it so as to have a better understanding of what you go through.
Stay as well as you can be.
Sarah
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Re: We don't understand what we're doing wrong???

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Jun 13, 2019 2:47 pm

I also don't think you're doing anything wrong. I haven't been posting much lately, after months and months of posting a lot, and that just has to do with things going on with me.

And I agree with what Arin said about whether the subject is one I can relate to or not. For example, I can't relate to having a physical disability, so if I see a post about that, I might skim it, but I don't really have anything to contribute. The same with the relationship between autism and DID. I can try to make more of an effort to say that I've read the posts on a thread, even if I don't feel like I have anything to contribute, but it's hard sometimes to have the motivation.

I think the best thing to do is what you've done--to check it out and see if it's something you're doing or not.
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Re: We don't understand what we're doing wrong???

Postby KitMcDaydream » Thu Jun 13, 2019 5:02 pm

Wow we weren't expecting so many answers.


One of us does get paranoia, very intensely sometimes it comes and goes depending how often they are 'out' or very close to the front, but possibly hormones make this more intense at certain times of the month too.

However the pattern has happened on several different types of forums and to our alter who was active on social media. We'll join in carefully at first then eventually seem to 'slip up' and say something someone see's as unsuitable or something and has ended up with a lot of people from the board 'attacking' us. Usually we had heard a comment we made, in the past made by someone else and they didn't get that reaction, which then leads us to believing it must be us.

Some of us feel we are 'too different' and no-one would ever understand us either hbodhi.

I find it difficult to imagine what other people maybe doing or going through (even people I know in real life) but I'll try and remember to take that into consideration in future.

I feel as an alter who hasn't really dealt with 'real life' much I am missing a lot of knowledge of what is considered 'normal social interaction' as other alters have always dealt with all that stuff in the past and I as Kit have only ever 'come out' when no-one else is around. (the internet didn't exist the last time I was shoved up front to cope with life and I lived in an autism unit at the time due to a complete breakdown of the system).
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