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I'm too messed up. I'm not goi to a doctor.

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I'm too messed up. I'm not goi to a doctor.

Postby Sarandipity » Mon May 27, 2019 12:32 am

This post is maybe a stand point because I want someone to tell me to go to a doctor or just me making a statement or looking for hope that someone will say they're messed up but a doctor helps them. I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking out loud so to speak.

**TW SEXUAL ABUSE AND RAPE MURDER CULTURAL ABUSE GOVERNMENT **


Since I have been mostly only with the overlord/Mr brightside I have got to know her. The overlord and Mr brightside are personas she uses. She is a young child. She was sexually abused. She feels disgusting and dirty. That's what I would say is "normal" considering and help able. She's very frightened of people, also what I would call "normal" What I wouldn't call exactly normal is how vengeful, twisted and spiteful she is. Maybe that's also normal but it doesn't feel normal. She's incredibly vindictive. I'd say she was behind us being in a relationship and marrying a guy that raped us, raped Karen to be specific for three years until he broke down crying and then we were allowed to call the police. I'd say it was her that drove us to go that far and wait that long until she was 100% certain he'd confess in the police station. We blocked out the first rape until after he was in prison and Karen was in therapy. The second rape three years later he'd bonded to us and he felt bad. He'd raped other women, always in deniable situations and got away with it. He didn't get away with doing it to us but it took three years of our lives and a marriage. Karen beat herself up over it, felt it was her fault we'd spent three years of our lives with a rapist and she sort of died for 6 years because of the whole trauma of it, because of the shame of blocking out the first incident and because of us then spending three years with him. I think it was this child alter behind all of that. As usual everyone had blamed the twins but they are very "simple problems so simple solutions" people and they would of had him beaten up if they couldn't get him imprisoned, they would not waste three years like that. Also they said how dangerous the overlord is and its why they isolated him, sorry her, with an important job of basically gate keeper. Which they saw as a BS job but she didn't. But this alter is twisted and vindictive enough that she'd go miles for justice. Also I remember at the time of reporting him wanting to report him but not wanting him arrested because a part of me wanted him released so he could be killed in self defence. And that part was really angry when luckily the police immediately arrested him and he confessed. Again the twins got blamed but they're far too self protectionist to risk prison at all but this alter really would not care. This alter is incredibly angry and vengeful. She wants to hurt people who hurt her. Understandable people might think but feel it, really feel it and know what a person like that is thinking and it's far from normal. It's not just riteous anger, it's power and rage. I've always been a person who will stick up for someone who's being picked on, never been one to be frightened of an abusive person but I didn't realise it stemmed from such a place of hatred.

Yes I was after being aware and distraught of putting myself through three years to bring a rapist to justice that I has serious system issues but I put it down to black out, just black out and denial. I did not put it down to carefully thought out and choreographed planning.

I also think she's the reasons bully's ran from me at school, his in toilets all day and why people said uh oh if I got involved in school arguments. I remember them running, I remember them hiding, I remember people saying uh oh but I never remember why. It's never made sense to me. I had alot of friends at school, nice people who got bullied (I always was friends with people who got picked on) but they never got picked on for long because nasty people run from me. I'm trying to ask her why.

She's telling me one I sort of know, the girls who were horrible to my sister. She got them alone one by one. She only spoke to them, no got them by the face, whispered in their ear that if her sister said they'd upset her again she would do more than talk to them. The group of bullies who were bullying her friends... She's not wanting to tell me about these ones but I remember them running away when they saw me... I think she put their heads in the toilet... I don't know she's being difficult about those ones...maybe worse than that.

I know why, I've known why I wasn't frightened of bullies or abusive people since going to therapy. It was the only memory she has ever shown me. My uncle who abused me. He said he was going to kill her if she told our mother and she said she'd be dead so why would she care. He threatened her again and she repeated herself looking him dead in the eye and she saw fear in his eyes. I was about 4 years old. To see fear in a scary adult abusers eyes at the age of 4 changes a person. But to get to the point so young where you know what death is and death is a better option than continuing to be abused you must have to go through some really really awful stuff. So on the one hand I understand where she's coming from but on the other hand she frightens me. She chills my bones. I think her personas are less frightening than her true self. Her true self is like a nightmare or a horror movie child. I hear screaming alot when I think of her or about her. Like she died in some woods a long time ago. It's a blood curdling scream of a person either dieing or killing someone. I guess she died in a way. She died and is sort of haunting me, haunting my life, running through it like an undercurrent, like dead or the damned driven purely by a need for retribution, for blood and for the suffering of anyone who makes anyone else suffer. If I wasn't talking about myself I'd feel admiration for her but because I have felt her feelings, seen some of her thoughts, I know she is not to be admired, she's to be pitted. If she could she stab me in the throat for saying that.

She is insistent that it was caused by the government. Insistent. She insists the government brainwashed her, tortured her. She insists they have done it to many and to her whole family. I don't know how fantastical that is, it's possible because anything is possible. She says they put us in camps. Made us watch hypnotic TV. That because she was so young she was effected differently. That instead of making her compliant it made her defiant. She said the government ripped her from her culture, they ripped the heart out of her people and that was worse than any abuse or rape. That was a human atrocity on a undefinable scale of evil.

Again I've always felt the government destroys community but not in these terms. Even if this were possible how could a tiny child remember or know. She said because of the blood of her ancestors. Her ancestors blood are on the hands of the governments and the nobility, on the hands of the unseen men who run the country and trade in our souls. She said curses will reign down on their houses not ours and we will rise up above them and they will be the dogs they made us to be. She said she'd be rapped a thousand times than have the evil of the government ravage her mind. She said her parents did not abuse her. Her uncle did. She hold no ill will to her uncle, he's a sick man but she thanks him because he woke her from her sleep and she knows where the real attrocity happened.

So I don't think I'm fixable. I don't think I'm going to be cured by facing pain or whatever happened. Because the part of me that holds that is keeping it. She likes it. It fuels her. Also yet again it's fantastical. It's not a case of I was abused, it's a case of i was put in a government camp and tortured and hypnotised. I can't have one bloody normal alter. They always have to make it weird. The twins are now saying they took the school brainwashing and used it to their advantage. No-one said needs must when the devil drives. Rose and Patrick say they believe the child alter, they suffered at the hands of discrimination and persecution, Peter (who is a Buddhist monk) said he wants to help, Fortune said she killed herself hoping there was a God so she could come back and make up for missing the shot she had at Reagan, Batcho said he's on his way. Karen says she's here to keep our spirits up and me (Beth) I could get burnt at the steak and not care because I'm depressed all the time so I suppose I must be incase of emergency break glass so to speak.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord Silent Lake has now become "Sara" who has two pet monkies.
Sarandipity
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Re: I'm too messed up. I'm not goi to a doctor.

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon May 27, 2019 12:48 am

It's very common to feel too messed up and like no one can help you. We used to feel that way ALL the time, and since we've been seeing someone who IS helping us, we feel it less often. We just went through a rough patch with our therapist, and when we decided not to go to therapy on Friday, we told him in a text that one of the younger ones was worried that he would be mad or give up on us. He wrote back to her that he wasn't mad and wouldn't even think of giving up on us.

So feeling like you're too messed up isn't a reason not to see someone. Just try to find someone who is experienced and committed--that's not easy to do.
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Re: I'm too messed up. I'm not goi to a doctor.

Postby Sarandipity » Mon May 27, 2019 2:18 pm

Thanks gang. You're such an advocate for therapy and always make me feel hopeful about going back to therapy.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord Silent Lake has now become "Sara" who has two pet monkies.
Sarandipity
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Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Mon Jun 17, 2019 3:01 am
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: I'm too messed up. I'm not goi to a doctor.

Postby IainEtc » Tue May 28, 2019 10:20 am

Hi,

We kind of felt the same way when we first went to therapy. Like - we're WAY too messed up to fix. We found out that isn't true. I guess what we really found out is that 'fixed' doesn't mean perfect or 'normal' - just better in a way that means something to us. We also found out we're pretty smart and tough. Our T helped us see that and supported us when we saw it. We only talked about some of the stuff that happened. Our T let us know we were in control of that part. I think making decisions about that was part of getting better.

Good luck.

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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