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There's a part of me...

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There's a part of me...

Postby Sarandipity » Sat May 11, 2019 1:49 pm

that wants their own way all the time and doesn't see anything wrong with that. I don't know what part of me it is but it's a very strong part.

Whenever anyone says to me "you're only happy when you get your own way" or "you always want your own way" or "to you that means getting your own way" BAM there it is because to those sort of what other people would see as an insult that part is always the part that replies "yes" Other parts internally are saying "no, I compromise like this or that" or "no I like to make other people happy" etc etc but the part that outwardly responds says "yes" or "who wouldn't want to have their cake and eat it" or "I don't get the whole thing about having your cake and eat it. If you have a cake then you want to eat it" They say "who wouldn't be happy getting their own way. That'd be weird" "so you're telling me people are happy when they don't get their own way. That's stupid"

Just typing this is making me dissociate massively. The only reason I thought of it is because my bf said "to you spending time together means you getting your own way" I don't really know what he means or what he's saying when he said that but instead of saying a multitude of other things I could of said I said "yes it does" And then I remembered the many other times many people have said similar statements to me and how I respond. Unashamedly, "yes, I don't like it when I don't get my own way. So?"

Like I said I feel incredibly dissociated right now and the part who says that is laughing. They said "no retreat. No surrender. You don't fail, if you don't succeed you die trying. Better to die running head on into things than to die hiding. Life isn't to be 'survived' everyone dies, life is to be conquered, go out kicking and screaming and laughing and crying rather than quietly fading away and always make sure you have the last laugh"

... Remember when we caused discord for a funeral, that was so that dead woman could have the last laugh, we didn't like her but we respected her and she would of loved that. I do remember and although partially I felt terrible I also knew the woman well enough to know she would of liked it, she was a bad ass and her sons were weak and not respecting her at all so we sort of sacrificed our own outward appearance (ie made ourselves look like complete a holes) and did something she would of appreciated, we should of done more but we could only play the cards we had that's how I generally feel about it, I don't feel ashamed, I feel a bit bad but I don't care that it made us look bad or what anyone thinks because I know why I did it.

So that part of me is strong. I think it's to do with having to juggle so many internal wants and needs. I don't have time to f around claiming "I don't want my own way" because that would be lieing and deluding myself. Once I've juggled all my internal wants and needs and decided "I'm going to..." it's took so long to get to that point that to even try to deny "I won't be happy unless I get my own way" would be ridiculous.

So that's why it's there, that's why or how I am like that. The only way to change it would be integration so I don't have to juggle all different wants and needs.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
Sarandipity
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Re: There's a part of me...

Postby Sarandipity » Sat May 11, 2019 2:53 pm

**TRIGGER WARNING RAPE**

Something as simple as "I've cooked on that cooker for years, I want a new cooker" for example, is a whole process. One part wants a new cooker (Rose). Other parts don't care about cookers. Other parts want completely different things, which all also cost money, but Rose wants a cooker. So that takes approximately 2-3 years for me to achieve. Not in the buying of the cooker or the money or picking a cooker. But in the getting everyone internally to agree to it. There's several things to take into account, the environment (cookers have to built and this impacts the environment so to justify an impact on the environment we have to really really need a cooker to the point where "we bought that cooker when we were with our husband who raped us" is not a valid justification over the environment, other people possibly would of got rid of the cooker 8 years ago when he was arrested for raping us), this society is a consuming wasteful society and I'm part of it but I'd like to minimise my input into it - that is a massive one too. Literally "I" want everything and anything so I could easily fall into the way of society. How I prevent that is to restrict how I have things, so I'll buy second hand stuff or find stuff people are throwing out so I then feel ok - I'm impacting on the environment less and I'm not fully buying into consumerism. The exceptions to this are cookers and fridges for "spiritual reasons" I'd be vegan except parts of me love cheese and meat and if they know they're eating "not meat" they are very annoyed so I have to juggle that very carefully on who's eating what. One piece of gristle in meat I've learnt to tolerate because it confirms to meat eating parts they're definitely eating meat but more than that and vegetarians feel sick and I can't eat that specific meat for years. So yes "I want my own way all the time" because getting to a point where I can eat something or do something is really really hard.

In this sense how I am is a massive disability but I've juggled it for so long I'm really good at it.

If so much of my energy didn't go into making parts of myself feel ok I don't know what I'd do with all that excess energy, thought process and time because when you wait 8 years to get rid of a cooker through a process of discussion and negotiation and massive considerations that probably never even occur to other people you learn patience, planning and resourcefulness. I won't buy the cooker until the "exact right moment" and I only know that exact right moment because that's the moment I buy the cooker. Seeing myself just "go out and buy a cooker" is to me like a madness. I'd have to be temporarily mad or bipolar or accidentally let a child alter loose without any safety measures in place to just go buy a cooker, my life just doesn't work like that.

To other people I must seem insane but to me other people are insane to just throw stuff out when they don't like it and buy a new one with zero consideration of the environment, the way they're being constantly conditioned by adverts and social pressure and sometimes they don't even consider money - to me that's all insanity. They don't care about the planet or that they're only buying it because the media has brainwashed them or they're temporarily being irresponsible - they just don't care. I do care about that stuff. "I want a new cooker" is seemingly simple especially under the circumstances of the old cooker but why should emotions be attached to an object - I don't tolerate that, it's not an excuse to cause pollution or to go on a spending spree.

This how the disorder effects me and how it eventually presents externally is "yes, I want my own way" people do not realise the amount of careful consideration that goes into every thing I do, every choice I make, the amount of research, planning, looking at every possible angle before I do one simple thing, never mind more difficult or complex decisions, I used to be indecisive and that has developed into being incredibly decisive because I take decisions seriously because by the time I've made a decision I've considered every possible thing around that decision and worked out its the best option.

It's a curse and a blessing. As I said I doubt I can change it without integration.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 666
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Mon May 20, 2019 4:24 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: There's a part of me...

Postby Sarandipity » Sat May 11, 2019 6:57 pm

I think it's probably the overlord. That's what I've concluded.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 666
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Mon May 20, 2019 4:24 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: There's a part of me...

Postby Sarandipity » Sun May 12, 2019 9:43 am

We're supposed to not have wants and needs. Screw that. So yeah Betheny I have no shame in saying "I love to get my own way and if I don't then why would I be happy about it. Screw that." The Overlord
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 666
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Mon May 20, 2019 4:24 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)


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