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The moment you realised?

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The moment you realised?

Postby KitMcDaydream » Fri May 10, 2019 8:50 am

When was the moment you realised you had just switched from one alter to another and had this ability?

Did others notice before you if you had no memory of switching? How did you come to understand you had DID?

Did you keep it a secret if you discovered you could do this before anyone else realised? ..and focus on remaining consistent in front of others?

What happened when you told someone? were you sent to hospital with people thinking you were having some kind of breakdown? ..or did you seek out a therapist privately to confide in but still kept it secret from family/work colleagues etc?

Just curious as we (as a system) are stuck and unsure how to move forward now we're all aware of each other.

Thanks

Kit & gang.
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Re: The moment you realised?

Postby exul » Fri May 10, 2019 10:08 am

We'll answer in order to all the questions and we hope this'll be useful to someone.

We never had a moment in which we realized we could switch, because we were always unaware of everything that was going on with us. We had (and sort of still have) no control over switching, and when we force one, we often get massive headaches that we really hate (we almost never get "natural" switching headaches though for some reason).
But the moment in which we found out there was something else going on, we were with my (the host's) best friend, and we were searching for answers to some things that happened to me in that period. I was acting strange, was constantly angry and frustrated, fixated with alcohol and my body image, and didn't feel like myself anymore. I came across some studies on subpersonalities, and from there I went to try to talk to these "other parts" that supposedly everybody had, to try to understand where those behaviours were coming from, because it seemed like the most coherent answer to what I was experiencing. The first time we tried, Nico came out. His voice was so deep when he talked that my throat hurt, and then I got massively tired and had an headache. He told us he didn't want to be there, and left. I felt like I didn't have control on what I was saying anymore, and felt my conscience sort of fade. At that moment I understood that I had no control over him. I just brushed off the thought and kept going with these sort of "dialogue sessions" with my best friend. He kept calling people out that wanted to talk, and Xavier was the second one. Jason was the third. A fragment was the fourth, and JR (or better, JR's alters pretending to be him) was the fifth. From there, we found out why we were acting strange (Xavier's influence was too strong for us to keep him down), and managed to understand a bunch of stuff. I understood that what I was experiencing didn't have to do with subpersonalities anymore, because they all had their own beliefs, appearances, interests, and complex characters. Furthermore, I had no control over them. They were their own person.

This said, people always considered me "complex", and often were shocked to find out I didn't remember events and whole chunks of activities I participated in. We always just laughed it off as me having a terrible memory, even because I wasn't particularly out of character in those situations (I've been told). We never had any clearly amnesic episode, we always had amnesia for amnesia.
I remember a particular episode where a classmate of ours began talking to us about how I was so funny sometimes. I was like "what are you talking about?" and she told me that a friend of hers that apparently liked me, tried to talk to me at school a few days before. She apparently approached us asking something about school, and we (at this point I'm positive it was probably Nico) just brushed it off with an "I don't know, go talk to someone else", and walked away. I didn't (and still don't) remember any of it. I felt so bad because I didn't know why I was being so rude to people I didn't know when I always try to be kind to everyone.
So yes, we were never aware of anything, and always kept living without particularly strange things happening (almost nothing we didn't remember buying/writing, no completely out of character switches, no extremely evident stuff that something was wrong, no voices). So no, I wouldn't say people noticed. Now that few of my friends know, they tell me that it's pretty obvious when I switch, but that before they never thought about it as something wrong. They just thought I was weird in a good way.
Understanding that we had DID, or at least a Dissociative disorder, came when my at the time therapist gave us our DES results. From there we were introduced to the concept of dissociation, and everything with the "subpersonalities" suddently made sense.

We didn't particularly focus on being constantly consistent in front of others, purely because we know people are blind to everything they don't understand. I was just the weird kid that sometimes was as quiet as a mouse (and pretty rude if you ask me, because of Nico), and sometimes began laughing and being obnoxious in front of everyone in class (as Xavier does). I guess people really just thought of me as weird. They didn't give us a hard time because of it though, they were all pretty mature people and we were friends with the majority of them. And yes, we kept it a secret. Even though at some point in the last year of HS we were figuring out what was happening, we didn't dare to tell anyone at all.

The first time we told someone (apart from my best friend), it was to one of our close friends, and he was very supportive and tried to understand the whole thing. We then told this to other very few close people, and then finally to one of our close friends from HS. We (particularly I and Xavier) were scared to talk to her about it, because we were sure she wasn't going to believe us. Xavier was one of the most present in HS, and basically she knew him more than me. We knew this could have been a shock to her, but in the end she was supportive like everyone else. She understood and then Xavier started to come out with her without having to pretend he was me, and she didn't change at all. We are grateful to have friends like this.
5 people know about us including our T. Nobody here in the country we're in atm knows about us, and neither our family does.

We're still quite new to this in the end, but I'm sure you will manage with time to understand what works for you as a system and how to live together functionally. Best of luck and have a good day!
Posters:
host (19, f, non-binary), Guardian (40ish, m), Nico (35, m), Xavier (15, m).

Others:
Benedict (42, m), JR (27, m), Nathan (25ish, m), Leo (19, m), Rebecca (14/16, f), Miles (8, m), Little Girl (7, f), Viola (5, f), (...)
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Re: The moment you realised?

Postby BeccaBee » Fri May 10, 2019 10:45 am

I started suspecting more me's at the age of 19. i got pretty florid. friends got accusatory. lived by myself and found some weird $#%^. tried to get help and everybody just thought I was bipolar and I ######6 knew that wasn't right.

managed to get along with things. got a degree, a baby, an ex. fast forward to about 33 years old and I'm drinking coffee in my morning chair. and a voice tells me to go look at this notebook in the other room.

《《MIND BLOWN》》 it was our first roll call on the inside cover luckily - I found this place. it took me a long while to get therapy and then I only did it for a year.

i told my brother and 2 best friends. 1 friend was an ass. 1 was an ignorant ass. and my brother was ######6 cool as $#%^. I'm not friends with the asses anymore.

the first time I realized I switched was I had been in a happy goofy mood. very social following a job interview. where one has to be friendly and Charming. anyway....was at work finishing up and saw a storm front rolling in. I felt this wet slidey quiver run down my skin and I kind of just shiver twitched and was suddenly hyper focused about finishing and picking up my kid. my coworker noticed and said what the ###$ just happened to you?

I handled it like a scientist. I did data collection and research. when I went and saw the T I took the SCID-D.

now my attitude is that I have a chronic condition that I manage with lifestyle choices that support safety and stability. I don't know that I will ever come out of the actual DID closet. but I do admit I have PTSD. I am not normal enough. too much hypervigilance. people usually shrug it off. and I say my memory is bad from car accidents. people don't get to know everything about me.
Female, 37
Dx: DID, C-PTSD, TES


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Re: The moment you realised?

Postby VioletFlux » Fri May 10, 2019 10:55 am

Answering the questions in order:

We first realized about switching when V1 saw proof/evidence of it in our journal. It's not really a skill or ability tho, like we can't control it anywhere near as much as we want to. It's more something that just happens lol. We can try to plan or schedule 'host' switches between me and V2 and Arin, but sometimes it doesn't work.

In the past others knew we were wierd and quirky. Best friend said we were 'randomly awkward'. But noone has ever said they saw switching. Not until after the 'breakdown' and it all came out. A couple months back our best friend did see us switch that we didn't know had happened. It was short but she saw Mike come out briefly in a threatening situation.

Our system totally worked to keep previous host in the dark. We still don't know how much happened behind her back, but we know from her blog that there was a lot of passive influence, at least some switching, and a fair bit of inside talking that she was aware of but didn't understand. Lots of "I'm not crazy!" defenciveness from her, lol.

So yeah the system itself worked to maintain a consistent 'appearance'. Everyone just pretended to be Steph, but that was as much to keep her in the dark as anyone else?

Since the breakdown / host change that kicked off our DID crisis, we've told pretty much anyone and everyone lol. V2 is pretty talkative. And it's been pretty 'florid', I guess is what they call it? Like no more hiding, no more caring about being seen, all that stuff.

Our family are the only ones who've had a problem. Everyone else has been really good and accepting. Or at least, politely dismissive and disinterested lol. Nobody's given us a hard time. Except the mum and sister. :x

We went into private therapy on our own choice, and have (just barely) managed to remain functional and self-employed. There's like, zero chance we'd have held on to like a regular 9-5 job though. :? I dunno if we're actually "employable" but i also dunno if that's new?

Like previous host was also self employed and kinda did her own thing since like, age 20 or whatever? I forget when. Long time though, lol. She kept us isolated and alone so noone got too close, noone would see or notice anything much. I bet she didn't even know she was doing that either.

Viola


-- Fri 2019.05.10 06.57 --

BeccaBee wrote:... I felt this wet slidey quiver run down my skin and I kind of just shiver twitched ...
Hey BeccaBee that is a heck of a good description. We don't always feel it like that but it's often enough when I read what you wrote, I knew exactly the feeling you were talking about.

Viola
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); et al.
Body: 49f • Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.Journey ThreadTeam Flux
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Re: The moment you realised?

Postby BeccaBee » Fri May 10, 2019 12:54 pm

oh autocorrect got me. I meant down my spine. whoops. perils of thumbtyping on a phone. actually the best description of how it felt is in Harry potter when j k Rowling talks about polyjuice potion taking effect

life is weird.
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Dx: DID, C-PTSD, TES


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Re: The moment you realised?

Postby KitMcDaydream » Fri May 10, 2019 1:25 pm

Thanks for answering guys.

I'm not sure of the exact point I went from not realising I was different (when young) then realising but not having the language skills to explain to anyone. Due to developmental delays most aspects of my development were years behind. (from basic milestones such as crawling, walking,speaking to the age kids learn to share, learn that other people see things differently, better control and understanding of emotions and moral development etc).

Because we were never told I had autism I never had any specific therapies aimed at it. I got my official diagnosis in my late twenties after 'the breakdown'.

I think in my mind at that age the 'personas' as I called them back were just to serve the purpose of having to deal with interaction with people. A tool, coping strategy, whether that was because I wasn't able to imagine a concept of other complete selves living within me I'm not sure?

Dissociation was my 'coping strategy' but I didn't know how to explain it to others or whether I should as I already got severely bullied for the things other kids noticed were different about me.

I just tried to get on with life by what ever means I could. Another bout of illness in my thirties led to mobility problems, everyone focused on the physical, took over and before I knew it I was using a wheelchair, being moved cos my flat couldn't be adapted to escape in a fire and my life had changed radically once again!

I don't know if its because I'm older now or just because I'd learnt more, read ...particuarly Donna William's books where she described different characters taking over to do different things and some only living indoors etc... that this time I (as Kit) was more aware of when 'Maddie' came in and took over. (usually triggered by someone arriving or having to interact with people at all at any time) and also that when they left, Maddie left.

I would say I was in my late 30's by this time. I'm not good with judging 'passing time' but I know my first dog was still here and still my only dog for several years before I got my second dog as a puppy. (He's heading for 7yr old now so this was quite a few years back, maybe as many as 10).

I seem to be able to access the memories of whoever goes up front and what ever they do in that time. this was not true for Maddie and it was only when she started keeping a diary of symptoms as she thought she was getting worse that I connected the times Maddie suffered badly from chronic fatigue and muscle pain was after I had been out and active - particuarly exercising alot to try and get the body fitter. (I had discovered adding T3 to the T4 gave me extra energy to exercise more. T3 has a shorter half life than T4 though and I was also taking energy/diet pills to boost metabolism and lose weight which Maddie was unaware of. so eventually we'd 'crash' and when we woke up again Maddie would be up front exhausted and in pain not realising why! She also 'lost time' I was up front but I didn't lose time when she was. Instead for me it was like watching someone else play me on TV and thinking I wouldn't do it that why is she doing that? Is she pretending to be me or someone else?

Reading her diary I suddenly felt aware we were two completely different people and memories of Thea and I working together came flooding back, which oddly until that point I hadn't remembered that persona as a 'seperate person' in my mind. This triggered Thea to come back 'up front' after she left I realised my hearing was different again. I started more research to see if this was common for other autistic people as the author had since died so I couldn't ask her anything and eventually ended up here. Interestingly Thea never 'lost time' when I was up front or co-hosting with her, so I'm not sure why Maddie did but Maddie and I have never been able to co-host either! Either she's up front or I am...no idea why?

Sioux (a newer alter thats appeared recently) has been able to co-host with me from the beginning. Even the non verbal child alter 'Bobby' can be present when I am and communicate with me via thoughts and pictures although they never completely take over the body even when we're alone.so I've no idea why Maddie has never been able to?

sorry that ended up longer than expected!

Kit
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Re: The moment you realised?

Postby TheWaves » Fri May 10, 2019 1:34 pm

i nowed i cud dowing it a longtime. i en a bad bacas i leved sherry with it but sontimes it en not myfolt ef othr pepels geting him mad i en not staynding thar for that.

i en the fastest nobode cud nevr geting me aftr she coted me. ef you wan to hateing me you can but you no wat he wud of goted her enyways. en also probely i teched som othr pepels so i halped som pepels to. it en not myfolt ef she cud not dowing it. also i sayd i en sory jjkljga;lkdgj

somon gaved me this song ontime


"Still The Same"

You always won, everytime you placed a bet
You're still damn good, no one's gotten to you yet
Everytime they were sure they had you caught
You were quicker than they thought
You'd just turn your back and walk
You always said, the cards would never do you wrong
The trick you said was never play the game too long
A gambler's share, the only risk that you would take
The only loss you could forsake
The only bluff you couldn't fake

And you're still the same
I caught up with you yesterday
Moving game to game
No one standing in your way
Turning on the charm
Long enough to get you by
You're still the same
You still aim high

There you stood, everybody watched you play
I just turned and walked away
I had nothing left to say

'Cause you're still the same
You're still the same
Moving game to game
Some things never change
You're still the same
Bob Seger
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Re: The moment you realised?

Postby hbodhi » Fri May 10, 2019 2:59 pm

At this point I am not aware when we switch to a new alter other than when my life partner or T tell us.

When I turned I believe it was around 30 I was diagnosed with epilepsy. Things got really out of hand quite quickly and was being told I was having close to fifteen seizures a day. I was admitted to the Mayo clinic and came away with a diagnosis of non epileptic seizures. During the post ictal part my partner would explain as if a "two or three year old little girl came out." This drove me crazy as I hated her referring to "me" this way.

Fast forward about 18 years and I am at my T office and this "seizure" happens and my T says right away "I think you might have been diagnosed." This was about six weeks ago. Then two weeks ago T met two other Littles and Tiger - gatekeeper. My partner has watched this for 18 years and now has a name for it.

We don't feel the need to tell anyone at this point. Maybe someday if it can possibly take away some stigma to the diagnosis I think that would be good. Right now honestly it is about wrapping my head around it, becoming more aware of alters and how/why they function on the team, learning terminology, learning from all of you who "get it", and trying to have compassion for all parts.

Thanks for posting this thread it is nice to see where people came from at the stage we are opening up to.

-- Fri May 10, 2019 7:59 am --

At this point I am not aware when we switch to a new alter other than when my life partner or T tell us.

When I turned I believe it was around 30 I was diagnosed with epilepsy. Things got really out of hand quite quickly and was being told I was having close to fifteen seizures a day. I was admitted to the Mayo clinic and came away with a diagnosis of non epileptic seizures. During the post ictal part my partner would explain as if a "two or three year old little girl came out." This drove me crazy as I hated her referring to "me" this way.

Fast forward about 18 years and I am at my T office and this "seizure" happens and my T says right away "I think you might have been diagnosed." This was about six weeks ago. Then two weeks ago T met two other Littles and Tiger - gatekeeper. My partner has watched this for 18 years and now has a name for it.

We don't feel the need to tell anyone at this point. Maybe someday if it can possibly take away some stigma to the diagnosis I think that would be good. Right now honestly it is about wrapping my head around it, becoming more aware of alters and how/why they function on the team, learning terminology, learning from all of you who "get it", and trying to have compassion for all parts.

Thanks for posting this thread it is nice to see where people came from at the stage we are opening up to.
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Re: The moment you realised?

Postby Skaya » Fri May 10, 2019 6:49 pm

To answer in order:

Realised we were switching aged about 16, but had always been very conscious of different 'personas' for different situations. I thought it was normal. Also thought it was normal to lose time, feel unreal, many things of that ilk that I only connected later. It took a lot longer to start consciously switching or working out how to switch.

I remember switching with Jen for the first time, consciously, very clearly: we were 17, driving (of all useful places) and I started to talk aloud. I had a strong suspicion of DID by this point, mostly because I had a penname that I wrote under (or rather, Jen wrote under) which I mostly knew about; it's hard to explain, but tied to losing time and things like that I just assumed it was me, until I learnt more about DID. So I started talking aloud to Jen, basically monologuing, trying to get her to present herself - and lo and behold, she did. And she kept talking, we started talking together, and that was how I got introduced to the system as a whole.

In terms of others noticing? No. My family point-blank refused to accept anything along those lines and I was badly bullied at school, so had no friends who would have noticed. Very isolated until I was 16 or so, and when I met my SO she noticed fairly quickly, but didn't attribute it to DID as the system was very adept at disguises! We also had a T who noticed fairly quickly that Jen presented at times in therapy, but that ended in disaster...

Which leads me into - yes, it was a complete secret. Our T at the time told our abusers, and I heavily suppressed not only my belief that we had DID but also the memory of ever thinking we had DID. Heavy amnesia right there. Switches still happened, but I went back to unconscious/involuntary switching, with the blackouts and amnesia I was accustomed to. My mental health was appalling - multiple hospitalisations, suicide attempts, the works - but it never got connected back to DID.

Fast forward - during one of my dissociative seizures (which started to occur with increasing frequency) it became apparent to my partner that another alter (Angel) was fronting. Similarly, she met Echo, and had always known Jen (although not known we were distinct; the similarities are more pronounced than the differences between her and I). She spoke to me about the possibility of multiple identities and I, quite abruptly, remembered the previous experience when I was younger.

It was like the floodgates opening, and I remembered - and more importantly, started to talk to the system, working out how it worked, et cetera.

Told my now-T, who I was seeing for bpd/bipolar I/bulimia what I suspected. He was surprisingly open to the idea. We have major trust issues with T due to the bad experience when younger so this was a nightmare to do but totally worth it.

We've now told a select handful of friends, who are also all really cool with it and very understanding. We're very lucky in that regard. Also our SO (who's been our SO since age 18 now!) is, was, and will always be the most extraordinary human in how she deals with us and the challenges it presents.

Hope that helps. Em & system.
Em (25, f, host), Jen (19, f) Echo (4, f) Angel (9, f), Vivian (36, f), Jacob (13, m), Xavier (?, m), Oliver (?, m) SO Lex (f) may be mentioned.
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Re: The moment you realised?

Postby Sarandipity » Sat May 11, 2019 10:51 am

I have many "moments I realised" Then I buried them because of the overriding need to "be normal" and "fit in" That's what disabled me. That's what caused previous reoccurring problems. The twins and the overlord would sort of breakout and I'd feel really insane and go to hospital.

Because I found this forum in a moment where I felt I could easily go to hospital (the twins woke up) because I wasn't coping having a bf who wanted to be around me all the time and noticed I'm very different from moment to moment so I told him. That made me "worse" because then I had someone saying "who am I talking to right now" which was frankly awful. I Googled and found this forum. I think without this forum I would of got rid of the bf, decided he was definitely some kind of sociopath because he was "driving me mad" and gone back to my usual way of being.

But I found this forum. So now, because of my body will have habits ie I open a phone and this is on the search bar I don't just put DID away to worry about it another day how I previously had. Previously I would be aware but unless I was hearing weirdness, the twins telling me they own alphabet or the overlord saying he's feasting on vampire blood (things that to me mean I'm insane), then I would just live my life.

Now because of finding this forum I express these things, I realise the twins have their own "inner life" it's not effecting my life and the overlord is a child alter with a vivid slightly strange imagination. So I'm "living with DID" instead of trying to "live without it" , which I can't because it's part of who I am.

From this position of acceptance if it wasn't for my son saying that he thinks he has different parts of himself then I would most likely get on with my life and not see a therapist. When my son told me about how he feels I told him I have that too and I recommend he has therapy because he's young he could possibly benefit from it more than I feel I would. He said he'd only go to therapy if I do so now I have to go to therapy - which for me is a process and will take preparation because I'm not going in there half cocked without any final end aim or going to any old therapist because it's important to choose carefully who you let "play with your brain" in a very cynical way of saying it.

So imo I would seek private therapy away from medical records, away from work and away from anyone knowing. Mental illness has a massive stigma even though millions of people in every place in the world suffer depression and various other struggles it's very stigmatised so ideally imo seek therapy away from anything that effects your life.
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