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Connecting

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Connecting

Postby hbodhi » Mon May 06, 2019 3:48 pm

Today has been a curl up in a ball very sad day. Not wanting to do that all day I thought I'd try to come on here connect a little and see if that helps. This is the first forum we have ever been on so it feels new like everything at present. Sometimes new is really hard. Therapy in the last month has started to go in a different direction, we left all our friends and familiar surroundings in the last year and a new move to present place two months ago to cut off abusers (whole family), and more but that is alot in itself.

My T asks what I think caused everything to come into awareness at this point. We don't know maybe being safer then we have ever been. Maybe having someone who is truly there outside our partner that we think will be able to help us hold the past. Maybe I just don't know.

T says the best place to heal from is from a place of "self". Honestly this is the huge struggle at present. The concept of "self" is so hard to put our head around. Every time this has come up in the past year it has made me cry in therapy. That was before my awareness of DID. Now it just devastates as what if there is not a place of "self" within? Can we still heal?

Every time we see T lately she says we are amazing and should be grateful to all the beings for keeping us alive. That DID being our coping strategy was beautiful and ingenious. Unfortunately, this is not always true for how I feel. It scares me and makes me feel like I broke something and feel shattered at times.

My partner tells me I will love the others in my system when I meet them as she thinks they are all so sweet even the protector that came out sternly to her the other day. I want to feel this way I really do but for now just trying to journal with them has brought such silence.

Would I be wrong to say I just want it all to go away? That yes I am glad they made it so I could survive, but now what? The alternative is to realize I was hurt so bad by people who were suppose to take care of me.

Thanks for listening. Sorry this is so long. When I respond to you I don't know how to put your comments in the little boxes you all use so I will do my best.
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Re: Connecting

Postby kira6384 » Mon May 06, 2019 4:43 pm

I'm not sure how to do the little boxes either, so I'll just ramble about stuff that may help you. I think we all go through moments like this, I know some of my alters have very different opinions about the same thing, which can cause me (host) to feel confused about how I really feel.
Just realized how to do the little boxes as well. There should be a little button above where you type, that you click and it gives the bbccode, and you can copy and paste what you are referring to between the two words. Hope that helps.
Would I be wrong to say I just want it all to go away? That yes I am glad they made it so I could survive, but now what? The alternative is to realize I was hurt so bad by people who were suppose to take care of me.

This is an understandable mindset, just know that getting better for some systems can be different than it is for others. Like, I myself am just trying to learn and understand it right now, one of my other alters (Garner) is in charge of writing info on each of the alters, that way we have a record of who exists in our system. Since starting that process, it's much easier for me to manage. If I feel like I'm between alters, I can ask Garner to find who wants to come forward, allowing that alter to know they are cared for. Some alters decide to co-front, like when I do art, normally Garner is also present, because she is the one that learns how to do stuff, and my younger alter Morgon, is the alter that enjoys drawing the most. Depending on who else is co-front, the style of drawing will be completely different. One piece will look like it was drawn by a six year old, and then another will be super realistic and beautiful. Once you find a way to work with the different alters, you might start feeling less crazy.
I know for me, any time I am in a store, Morgon takes over, whenever there is something sparkly or otherwise childish.
Writing is a really good way to try and make sense of it all, and you can literally do it in any way that feels right. I have a binder that I write in, sometimes an alter wants a chance to ramble and get it all down. I still don't even know all of their names, and to be honest I haven't even been diagnosed with DID, but Garner is going to make sure I start going to therapy again, and hopefully can get support for the rest of the alters that way. She refuses to allow a T to tell the system we don't have DID, with how everything in my head is, it's the only thing that makes sense.
Just know you aren't alone. If you feel the need to talk to someone, message me. You aren't alone. Try and remember that.
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Re: Connecting

Postby LittleMie » Mon May 06, 2019 9:42 pm

hbodhi wrote:Would I be wrong to say I just want it all to go away? That yes I am glad they made it so I could survive, but now what? The alternative is to realize I was hurt so bad by people who were suppose to take care of me.



We have this feeling often. DID is an amazing way of coping but it is also exhausting. Take things slowly. Curl up in a ball as often as you need, practise self care as you can, don't rush anything and most of all stay safe.
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Re: Connecting

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon May 06, 2019 11:03 pm

Hi hbodhi,

If you click on the little box that says "quote" in the upper right corner of the post, it will set up a quote box for you.

Thank you for your brave and honest post. My parts came into awareness only when I was safe enough to tolerate knowing about them. At least that's a more positive path than having a crisis that forces you to deal with the sudden knowledge of all this.

I don't know what that means, to "heal from a place of self." My T sometimes talks about getting to know my "authentic self," and I usually get upset/annoyed by that, because it feels like he's saying that something about me right now is not authentic or is false. He has explained what he means, and I think it's more like my whole self--all the parts, and possibly even how all the parts would be (will be?) when they're not actively coping with past trauma. Kind of a getting back to all the aspects of who we would have been without the trauma, but without denying that it happened. I don't know if I'm even capturing it correctly.

Maybe your T means just being able to know, accept, and honestly express all of your experience--all the conflicting opinions, feelings, thoughts of all the different parts, and learn to work together.

It will start to happen--they need time to adjust, just like you do.
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Re: Connecting

Postby hbodhi » Tue May 07, 2019 12:30 am

LittleMie wrote:We have this feeling often. DID is an amazing way of coping but it is also exhausting. Take things slowly. Curl up in a ball as often as you need, practise self care as you can, don't rush anything and most of all stay safe.


Thank you LittleMie! It is amazing how much lighter we felt at your kind words.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:
I don't know what that means, to "heal from a place of self." My T sometimes talks about getting to know my "authentic self," and I usually get upset/annoyed by that, because it feels like he's saying that something about me right now is not authentic or is false. He has explained what he means, and I think it's more like my whole self--all the parts, and possibly even how all the parts would be (will be?) when they're not actively coping with past trauma. Kind of a getting back to all the aspects of who we would have been without the trauma, but without denying that it happened. I don't know if I'm even capturing it correctly.

Maybe your T means just being able to know, accept, and honestly express all of your experience--all the conflicting opinions, feelings, thoughts of all the different parts, and learn to work together.


I think that is what she means maybe - like your T I just needed to hear it from a different perspective. I try to remember this is all new to her too. I am fine with finding an "authentic self" if it means just letting all my parts become able to be in harmony and have co consciousness. My T has always taught me throughout the past year and a half that people are whole through body, mind, and spirit and I understood glimpses of this but never fully. Never mind, the word "self" just felt like going to a foreign country. I think for our Team we each share the body but have our own minds and spirits - maybe to soon to know at this point.

Thanks for reminding me things will happen in due time. I want so many answers right now and none at the same time. It seems like many things right now are opposites in our thinking.

The thing I have been doing to start to gain more awareness is I made a schedule. During my schedule I write down times I can follow it and look for clues around the house of who may have been out during the gaps. The truth being I don't think everything is as totally new as I think with losing time I just always filled in the blanks for my "forgetfulness" before.
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Re: Connecting

Postby Dnester » Tue May 07, 2019 3:21 am

I wish it would go away ALL the time. I went into a depression over it and I am still not all the way out.
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Re: Connecting

Postby hbodhi » Tue May 07, 2019 2:08 pm

Dnester wrote:I wish it would go away ALL the time. I went into a depression over it and I am still not all the way out.


Sorry you are still in the depression some. I understand it very well. I bounce in and out of depression with it almost daily right now. As others have told us we hope you will use self care as you are able and be safe.
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Re: Connecting

Postby hbodhi » Tue May 07, 2019 2:43 pm

As I seem to have so many questions, and am not sure where to add them (or if appropriate to add them to others threads) we will just keep writing them here.

So as I hear about the Littles being out and they are always eating, wanting to eat, and acting like they have never eaten before. Unfortunately, I am getting a pretty good picture of why this may be.

My partner is wonderful with each of them as they come out and never wants them to feel hunger again. It is amazing they have such a wonderful, caring person they feel trust and come out to.

My T has said she is not concerned about this at this time as it is something we can deal with later. That coming where they all came from it is important for them to feel good safe at this point and that is all we want to focus on. Knowing they have food makes them feel safe and eventually they will come to trust that.

One does not like sweets or meat at all, one eats very little, and then one eats everything he can.

If any of your Littles needed this kind of support how did you help them? We have just been going with it, but I am thinking we are eating often with them rotating out throughout the evenings right now. Part of me thinks it may be fine and part of me worries.
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Re: Connecting

Postby hbodhi » Tue May 07, 2019 7:40 pm

[quote="kira6384")This is an understandable mindset, just know that getting better for some systems can be different than it is for others. Like, I myself am just trying to learn and understand it right now, one of my other alters (Garner) is in charge of writing info on each of the alters, that way we have a record of who exists in our system. Since starting that process, it's much easier for me to manage. If I feel like I'm between alters, I can ask Garner to find who wants to come forward, allowing that alter to know they are cared for. Some alters decide to co-front, like when I do art, normally Garner is also present, because she is the one that learns how to do stuff, and my younger alter Morgon, is the alter that enjoys drawing the most. Depending on who else is co-front, the style of drawing will be completely different. One piece will look like it was drawn by a six year old, and then another will be super realistic and beautiful. Once you find a way to work with the different alters, you might start feeling less crazy.
I know for me, any time I am in a store, Morgon takes over, whenever there is something sparkly or otherwise childish.
Writing is a really good way to try and make sense of it all, and you can literally do it in any way that feels right. I have a binder that I write in, sometimes an alter wants a chance to ramble and get it all down. I still don't even know all of their names, and to be honest I haven't even been diagnosed with DID, but Garner is going to make sure I start going to therapy again, and hopefully can get support for the rest of the alters that way. She refuses to allow a T to tell the system we don't have DID, with how everything in my head is, it's the only thing that makes sense.
Just know you aren't alone. If you feel the need to talk to someone, message me. You aren't alone. Try and remember that.[/quote]

Kira6384 sorry I did not see this yesterday. This is all very helpful for me. Your Garner in many ways sounds like Tiger as he is our being that keeps track of everyone in the system and who can front when. Thank you for the reminder we are not alone I don't think we can hear that too much at present. Art is really important to us too.

Just returned from therapy. Tomorrow my T has the supervision meeting with the severe trauma therapist. This should really help us I hope. Her two things she said she wants to make sure at this point is 1. we are coming from the most compassionate way 2. the most effective healing model.

Today when we were in there I tried really hard to keep the focus from our experience. In the past I would mainly just listen and try to stay present and agree with her but it won't help either of us at this point to do that. She reminded me how new this was to her and how she has no experience and how there is not much training out there for it. We are lucky as the whole Team seems to trust her (that we are aware of) and she is willing to stretch in anyway she may need to to help us heal.

We found a conference from the site aninfinatemind coming in February in Florida we are going to start saving our pennies (bills actually) to maybe go. It would be great to be able to meet others who have DID.
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Re: Connecting

Postby hbodhi » Wed May 08, 2019 11:52 pm

Today we struggled. Lost about two and a half hours first thing this morning. Then was hit by awareness of it by asking my partner if she wanted breakfast and some coffee. I had already given her these things an hour earlier unbeknownst to me.

Not sure why but this time it really shook me up. Maybe, because for now my assignment is to "be a detective" so we can figure out how much time we lose. I know a goal is to not lose time eventually and be co conscious with whomever is out - that seems so far away.

Another hard part for me is I always thought I had much more control, because somehow some control equals safety. Right now everything feels so ungrounded, so scary, so big, and so jumbled. Plus I have a constant headache which is not helping.

Tomorrow is a new day and I see T which will be helpful. Plus she'll have more info for us to work with.

I hope the rest of you and your Teams are having a good day.
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