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Writing here before I get paper

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Writing here before I get paper

Postby Sarandipity » Sat May 04, 2019 10:04 am

Waking up this morning.

"my boss isn't in today" (day off) - "who said that" "oh she's getting professional at this" "who said that" "the whisperers" "ok. Who else is there" "us" "who's us?" "the light bringers" "ok I feel like there's a little here too, two of them, who are they" "That's Martin and his sister" "what's Martins sisters name" quite a few moments passed and there was some kind of discussion going on that I couldn't hear properly and eventually "Sally" I said "that's not her name" (it just felt like they were lying for some reason) "it is" "It isn't" Breif discussion I couldn't hear "Janet" "OK so Martins sister is called Janet" "yes"

Then I had to start getting up. Mandy I could always feel more than speak to internally so I tried to feel what these parts are like. They're sweet and really child like. They don't feel like they have a darkness Mandy has or like they have adult knowledge. Will need to be very careful of them.

The whisperers and the light bringers felt adult. Gender less at the moment.

I don't know anything about any of these. It's a little upsetting but I'm going to try getting them writing so I can know them. Or talking internally and I'll write it. That's what I did years ago with the parts listed below.

Because of the recent shock of my son I'd felt like all the parts below were half awake and half asleep, to different degrees, and all sort of operating together. So maybe this has allowed the B team to be more heard. I probably shouldn't call the B team, it sounds derogatory. Different system or is this a sub system. I don't really know what sun system technical definition is but I don't want to call them the B team. Sounds like a name the twins has given them, it was. They need a better name, they're not individually set, it feels like, like how parts below are very individual. They are more collective and don't seem to want to push forward individually into the body or even as a group. I tried putting them but they're presence is weak. I can easily have them in the body or not, they feel floaty.

Going to stop writing here and have a coffee and then see if I can talk more to them and get them communicating more in writing or pics.

Just occurred to me. Aim is therapy. The twins like the system how it was/is, they do not trust therapists. If they had a "B team" to send first, which is kind of ringing a bell this term "the B team" to test out the therapist then they would do that.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
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Re: Writing here before I get paper

Postby AutumnJ » Sat May 04, 2019 4:51 pm

In sports, there are often a main team and reserve team.

Maybe you could use the term "reserve team" ? Instead of "B team" Just a thought :)

- Autumn J
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Non-Adults: Radish (3) / Lorcan (5) / Ború (17)

More Alter names will be added if it becomes necessary.
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Re: Writing here before I get paper

Postby Sarandipity » Sun May 05, 2019 7:05 am

I spent most of yesterday learning about this other system. It's small and different to my main system. The whisperers told me basically they whisper about the system but they're never usually heard and they "spin the wheel" The wheel apparently has all the parts written on it and different combinations of parts. They're directed by the "overlord" of who they spin to the front. The "lightbringers" told me then shin light on the part or parts that are meant to be awake but sometimes they accidentally shine some light on neighbouring parts of the wheel and those parts are partially basically in the body too but they don't seem to see it like that. There's 7 whispers and 10 or 11 light bringers but it was the children in the system that told me that.

The two littles in this system started out by drawing themselves. They drew skeletons but they also had tails and one of them had wings too. They drew around them too so they're not skeletons. The whisperers and the lightbringers they drew as not having a normal human form. The whisperers were faceless and had no hands or feet. They drew them as flowing robes. The light bringers they drew as light. Their shape was sort of ghost like but purely made of light but they had hands with sun's in, I guess to shine the light.

Then I asked the children about the "overlord" The whisperer and light bringer I spoke to made him sound slightly scary "he likes to live in the dark out in the void away from the main internal world. We serve the overlord" They made him sound horrible. But as the littles talked I realised that when they said "in the dark" they meant he lives in the dark in a metaphorical sense, as in he has no knowledge of what's happening in the outside world. When they drew their world its a lake with trees. The overlord lives in the mountains and the others live around the lake and its silent and peaceful there. The overlord talks to the twins and the twins talk to the overlord to work out how to spin the wheel but other than that they have no communication or link to the outside or the other system. They have been told the other system is dangerous and they are safer in their world. When I look internally i can see the twins world and the main world but I can't see there's and they said that's how they like it, no connection.

The twins and the overlord decided between themselves that for those sinning the wheel it's better to have no knowledge of the parts or what's going on outside because then there's no opinion on how it's spun. The twins tell the overlord and the wheel is spun accordingly.

The children drew the overlord but they said he can take any form, so they drew him in his favourite suit.

I asked to talk to the overlord directly but he took over the body instead. He kept a whisperer and a light bringer with him because he could leave when he wanted. He also had the whisperer do anything like make him tea and then he drunk it. He felt really old and cold and like he had really long fingers. He also showed me he could take on the voices and mannerisms of all the parts in the other system. Then he left but he let me write down about him. Well I dictated and he wrote because then he could not write it if he disagreed but he wrote it all so my impression of him must of been reasonable. I'm saying "he" for convenience sake because he was neither male or female, he was both male and female. I'm pretty sure he has been in the body before but I don't know how often. He gets similar to the twins in that he can't be bothered or doesn't feel the need to be there, like he'll suffer it if necessary but he has no real interest in it.

Then there was some kind of argument between him and the twins internally because he said the people of his world can't "be" in the body. The twins said they needed everyone in their world to help with internal preparations for therapy and the overlord said they shou of been more organised in the first place. I took a nap and when I woke up I felt dizzy but eventually it passed.

Today I seem to be back to my current "normal" ie. The usual system is half awake, half asleep and the overlord and his people are "gone" So the problem must of been resolved. I feel glad I met them. I don't have the "making it up" feelings at the moment. I feel like I had to become aware of them in preparation for the therapy. Also the twins want as much as possible written down to give to a therapist. I think their plan is to see the therapists reaction to it and guage how the therapist will be from that. They're not willing to mess about especially as they more importantly want a therapist for my son.

-- Sun May 05, 2019 7:07 am --

AutumnJ wrote:In sports, there are often a main team and reserve team.

Maybe you could use the term "reserve team" ? Instead of "B team" Just a thought :)

- Autumn J


Being known as "the B team" didn't seem to bother them at all. They don't think of themselves as the B team and they don't care if they're called that so it was more my problem than anything lol But thank you.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
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Re: Writing here before I get paper

Postby Sarandipity » Sun May 05, 2019 7:38 am

Also it got a bit darker and weider than that. I wasn't going to say but I changed my mind. The overlord left a whisperer in the body, probably experimenting like the twins do. While he was arguing with the twins, I couldn't hear most of it, but he said his whisperer had been contaminated by the outside world so he was going to drown her. "no-one" spoke up at that point and said "there's gonna be no drowning" Then Rose came into the body, took the whisperer into her belly and gave birth to her in the internal world. So basically we stole a whisperer. And I had belly ache and felt sick all evening till I fell asleep but I feel fine this morning. When someone earlier on in the day said this gonna get bloody and messy I wasn't expecting this weirdness especially after talking to the B team. I think I'm going to call them "silent Lake" because there's a lake and it's silent where they live. But with this disorder I've kind of got used to it although it was still weird. The twins time everything very well though, I had time to myself yesterday so today I can do "normal life stuff"
The other odd thing was that the overlord seemed frightened of "no-one" Which didn't make sense. The overlord seemed old and sort of powerful because he can seem like any other part. "no-one" appears like a teenage girl in a hoody who's sort of traumatised, doesn't speak in full sentences and does not seem "powerful" in any way. But the overlord seemed frightened of her when she said drowning wasn't happening.

The other thing is years and years ago - when I was being beaten in the hospital, so "no-one's" last time of being present until recently I kept thinking I'd been drowned in a lake. Which at the time I just thought I was psychotic, they kept telling me I was psychotic. But putting all this together after yesterday maybe the overlord did drown "no-one" in silent lake. And in her words she "went to hell" but in my understanding was "trapped in a trauma memory" No-one was alot a trouble back then, petty crime, very defiant and really didn't give a damn - she's still a bit like that but she appreciates the life we've built so she bahaves, I guess there is nothing to kick up or rebel about because we're in our own home and basically in charge of our life now, not at the whim of our parents. Anyway I suppose if you drowned someone in a lake and then years later they came back, the same age and still the same character once they've got over the shock it'd be scary. So most probably when I kept thinking "I've been drowned in a lake" it was because the overlord drowned no-one. Anyway we stole a whisperer. It feels like "no-one" wants to declare war on "silent lake" now we have a link to them which I don't think is good or it is good, I'm not sure.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
Sarandipity
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Re: Writing here before I get paper

Postby Sarandipity » Tue May 07, 2019 6:29 pm

Kind of using this as a journey thread, hopefully a short journey thread for this part of my journey.

I still feel stuck and not into things I'm usually into. It's like me, Beth, is in the body and "the overlord" is sort of wearing me like a suit because he's there inside but not in the body but in in the body. I don't know if I'm describing this feeling too well.

I was frightened a couple of nights ago because his name is scary and he seems a bit scary but I'm sort of used to him now. I'm pretty sure I'm stuck like this till we get to therapy. Others were briefly present but then they went back to whatever they're doing internally to get ready.

I'm pretty depressed generally anyway and the overlord is not the most inspiring individual to be stuck with. On the up side he's mostly quiet and let's me get on with things. If he thinks someone is messing with us he gets incredibly pissed but generally he keeps it contained but that's the only time I really notice him at all. Although if something needs to be done he's also quite - motivating isn't the right word, it's more like he puts me on an auto pilot or forces action till whatever it is has been done if I'm lagging a bit.

This morning I was my usual depressed self which is usually ok because there's a more cheerful alter also conscious. But with only the overlord I was down and he was nothing at first untill someone said we did something that we didn't do (because we weren't there for two weeks) and that's when I noticed him, angry. Great I thought. Just leave it. Doesn't matter, I thought. He agreed it didn't matter and eventually calmed down but I felt like I was oozing anger.

Then a guy who does a couple of days work where I work was there. He's sort of a depressed person who makes jokes about it and he kind of cheered me up somehow. I think because he is openly pretty depressive and by the end of the day the conversation got so stupid about something completely different I felt happier somehow. Depressed people don't really see a point in anything and if there's two of you grudgingly getting on with things making light of stuff somehow it helps. So other than in the morning I didn't notice the overlord at all but I know he's still there. He just said he's a silent spectator, a security camera with an auto emergency button. I don't know why the twins need all of the others. Because they eventually want complete documentation of all activities and trauma relating to our DID to be written to give to the therapist, the overlord said. Whatever. Obviously I have nothing to add to that. I'm not really traumatised though, just low level general depression that I'd say has no origin but obviously it's related to general overall stuff that's happened and it's just me that is depressed. Thinking about it the others feel more like anxiety driven which again guessing is because they're more trauma holding than me. I know stuff that's happened but I don't feel attached to it which is better because if I did I'd be major depressed I guess and not just minor depressed - life's $#%^ and then you die is my overall life feeling and it makes no difference to me what I'm doing in life. I was a self harmer but only a couple of times because after the twins said 1. People will think you're crazy or attention seeking I didn't want attention or people to think I'm crazy 2. It's addictive because it releases endorphins to cut, endorphins are addictive and I'll be like a druggie, I didn't want that either and 3. It's the quickest way to be hospitalised and drugged, I'm not keen of medication but I don't care if I'm shut in a hospital so overall I decided against it. So mostly I'm just lazy about looking after myself food wise or exercise wise and I smoke - kind of a really passive aggressive lazy way to be self harming which suits me because basically I don't have to do anything really and not a soul notices that kind of self abuse. It's also why me and Karen worked well together. When we fronted together for years we didn't smoke,we exercised and ate healthy because she has eating problems and weigh concerns but because I like to shove a cream cake in my mouth we sort of balanced eachother out. Now I'm just worried of how long I'll be stuck with the overlord because me and Karen were like this for years. I wish he'd have another name. He said he tried to make one up but they didn't feel right and he doesn't feel like he particularly needs a human name, a title is fine because the body has a name. I decided against using the body name internally. I put paperwork to change the body name to Beth once but I was stopped by the twins because they said it was pointless. I don't really need to take the body name, it was a silly idea. What difference would it make anyway when everyone internally knows who I am, no difference, and it wouldn't change the outer world interactions at all.

I don't really want to get to know the overlord. For various reasons. I feel him. When you can feel someone it doesn't feel like there's a point to chat unless you get on and I don't think me and the overlord will be best buddies like me a Karen were. He likes to watch trashy TV that I find dull because he says it's the bottom of life, the sludgy trashy example of the lowest forms of human existence -or something like that - and everything else is fake in someway. If he watches what he thinks is fake stuff he goes on and on, so I just let him have what he wants on because it's easier. He likes gory stuff too, which I also hate, so the compromise is watch trashy rubbish. We was gonna buy a book but then he said it might be rubbish and it'd be a waste of money, he'll only read something he knows is good - how the hell will we know that without trying I don't know. He said we can read a classic novel because at least it's historically good even if we don't enjoy it. So this is gonna be fun times. Not. Whatever. I think he's hoping as much as me the twins sort out whatever they're sorting out internally quickly, me and the overlord can type it all up and then fingers crossed we're out of this internal situation. He said no because the plan is me and him interview the therapists with the twins. I'd prefer the twins to the overlord and they do my brain in but they're not boring, this guy is so dry. Anyway I'm gonna try to find a classic novel neither of us have read, which is gonna be difficult, unless it's war and peace which I'm definitely not reading that.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
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Re: Writing here before I get paper

Postby Sarandipity » Tue May 07, 2019 7:11 pm

Other stuff of today. I can kind of see why they left me with the overlord. At the end of the work day I asked if I could leave. They said no. But it was already ten mins past finishing. I thought oh no I'm gonna have to stay. They don't pay over time. At that point the overlord thought I'm not staying and said what time it was and I'm leaving and I walked off. Then a thing about hours was mentioned and he said what our contract was. He doesn't f around. He isn't rude. He just says what's happening and what he's/ I'm doing. I get walked on if I'm left to my own devises. Walked on and walked on until some other part eventually has to deal with it, probably "no-one" or the twins or Patrick, because it's got out of hand. Things stay in hand with the overlord it feels like. He's very calm and very controlled. Even when he was really "affronted" this morning he weighed all of it up. Also it's like he has better memory of outside things than me or other parts, he's quick. For us we have to think or take a moment but it's like he already knows what's coming before it comes. He thinks really quick. With the hours at work thing I would of waffled a bit, I would not of immediately thought "contract" but he did. So although he isn't a body person often although I'm pretty sure he has been in and out the body more than the twins, he knows alot - as much as the twins - so I think when the lightbringers and the other silent lake parts said they had no outside contact I think the overlord knew everything that was going on. The whisperer definitely knew nothing externally but the overlord seems to know alot and definitely as much as the twins. So I think he mislead the silent lake parts and he had alot of knowledge of external life. He likes to keep his internal world people oblivious to the external world and also to tell them he knows nothing and hasn't been outside but he definitely has because otherwise how has he read wuthering heights. I know my eyes have read it three times, it's the only book we've read more than once, I read it once and he said he's read it when I suggested it so he read it one of the other times. I wonder what else he's done.

I'm trying to put him in a more palatable visual image than the first one I had. He reminds me of Cartman from South Park. That's how I'm gonna imagine him. An old Cartman. Moody, sarcastic, suspicious and quick minded. If I see myself sort of like a Kyle from Southpark figure, bit of walk over but good intentions then possibly me and the overlord are a reasonable team. Maybe looking at it like that I can see how we could be friends. This is like being stuck on a really long car journey with a guy who doesn't say much and has also banned you from talking to him. He says I make him feel sick, which is charming, because I'm too nice and feel sorry for myself and the general feeling of me makes him wanna puke. So that's nice. We're not falling out or arguing though, he said what'd be the point, we have enough problems and bigger fish to fry than how poor big baby Beth is gonna cope with the big meany overlord and that arguing with me would be counter productive plus how is he gonna argue with me when I just go along with him whenever he bothers to say anything. I'm surprised he's let me type here so long. He said hopefully because I've typed here so long I'll shut up and leave him alone. I do keep sort of poking him - are you there, are you awake, what if we do this, what if that, do you think this is a good idea, how comes you have long long fingers, what do you do all day internally, have you got any trauma... Ummm yeah I am kind of bugging him. He said that's why he liked the guy at work because he distracted me from bugging him. He said he wouldn't tolerate me at silent lake, I don't want to go there so what do I care. He said he didn't mean it in a mean way and I wouldn't like it anyway. This is actually the only way to get him to talk to me, ha. He'll talk to me when I'm typing but not generally. He'll think stuff about external things like "I'm going home" but he won't talk to me internally unless I'm typing. Weird.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
Sarandipity
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Re: Writing here before I get paper

Postby Sarandipity » Thu May 09, 2019 6:41 pm

The twins were present this morning before work for a little while. I was frightened last night because of everyone seeming gone and thought of the possibility that the overlord was blocking them or causing it and they weren't choosing to be absent. But then Mandy was around briefly last night and the twins this morning so I feel better about it. Patrick was at work a bit because I knew Rose was there, if Rose is there Patrick is and vice versa. So I'm feeling ok again about them not being around after my slight panic last night.

I'm worried of going back to therapy. For a couple of reasons. Firstly therapy always seems to make life alot worse before it makes it any better. Secondly it takes alot of mental energy and I don't know if I have that kind of mental energy available. Last time I was in therapy I wasn't working. Now I am and I don't like the idea of it draining me and possibly being in a more vulnerable state at work.

As a side note I hate work. I hate all work though so it's not really where or what I'm doing, it's just how I feel about work. Quitting crosses my mind but I can't, I'd have to re-build my previous business which would take time although alot of my past customers would probably want me back, I bumped into one in a car park and she said that. Anyway I can't entertain these thoughts because it wouldn't be right while everyone else is largely distracted. I think they'd be really really pissed if I did that. I've thought about similar jobs most would be harder but there's one that'd be easier. I'd need to revise for that companies own test but it wouldn't be that difficult if I studied hard enough. The test is hard but people who work there say the job is really good. I'm thinking that the others probably wouldn't mind that and it would help because of the therapy to be doing something easier, less physically and mentally draining.

I don't want to go to therapy because I know what it entails. It's hard work. Generally we're all ok too so it feels sort of unnecessary. Integration sounds ok as a concept. The twins were at work briefly too because I couldn't even re-format a word document. They re-formatted it but they said there's a problem with the OS and the computer doesn't have the necessary programme to re-format it how I needed it to be. They were just starting to try a couple of things and I had to do something else so they left. Being able to do that type of stuff all the time would be good. There was a point where I couldn't even work the TV remote especially when it went smart. They are the only parts that can do anything technology, even simple stuff, the rest of us are completely tech ignorant. It's really boring to us. I said to the twins once I wanted to learn something so they told me to learn python but it was so so boring and I didn't keep it up. I don't think they know python, they don't know alot but they find computer stuff relatively easy, they grasp it quickly and it doesn't bother them. They feel excited by it and in their element. I feel like I'm doing something completely alien to me. So with integration it'd be weird to combine all the different skills we have. Even the monkey children from silent lake can draw reasonably well, I was surprised, I used to draw alot as a kid and when none of my known alters could draw at all I thought I'd just forgotten how to draw. But when the monkey children started drawing I realised they still remembered how to draw. The twins wouldn't integrate though I think. Even if we had some therapy that caused every other part to combine I think they wouldn't integrate. I think they'd just go dormant, how they were for years. My guess is they would get us all to integrate and then they'd effectively disappear. That sort of bothers me. Not because of not having their skills or knowledge but because I'd sort of miss them. It's been very odd being without their weird stories, paranoias and delusions this last week or so. It's been quiet. It's been "normal life" Kind of how I imagine a single minded person would be because the overlord is so quiet and he doesn't exert his presence at all unless he feels something is wrong I don't even notice him, I know he's there which is reassuring, now I know the others are ok, because I don't like being left on my own. It's just been really peaceful. I'm not a particularly social person so work, home, eat, sleep is suiting me and the overlord is a shrugger on if its ok or not to be like that whereas other parts will feel we need to be social. I'm getting to watch some films. I'm a reader not a film watcher but it's so much part of routine that I'm watching films. Films the others have already watched so I get a sense "I've seen this before" but I can't remember any of the films or story lines so it's sort of nice to see the things they enjoy. I haven't found a book yet for me and the overlord. He's not a film watcher either, he likes trashy TV so at least I know who used to occasionally watch that stuff, I didn't believe the others when they said it wasn't them but clearly it was the overlord.

The sort of depressive guy at work might not be "allowed" to stay because the boss type guy keeps saying that so I better not get attached or used to him being around. I learnt already there not to get used to people because they just suddenly aren't there for different reasons. That's another reason I want to quit, it's not a "normal" work environment. I'd rather be in a "normal" work environment. I think even when I was working for myself it was more "normal" than this place and being as my system is basically being run by the twins and they're crazy that's f'in saying something. Effectively I was managed at work by two delusional druggies and they were more business minded and organised than this place I work. The guy I work with who was leaving said he isn't now but I don't believe him. I think he was joking when he said he's staying, another inconsistency at work which is typical of this place I work in. Whatever.

I think it's probably best to get the hell out of there before starting therapy because the place will stress me out on top of having therapy. Seeing as the others have left me and the overlord in charge out here I don't see why we can't at least try to move to an easier on the brain work environment. I'm not saying extreme quit and go back to working for myself, I'm saying move into a job the others looked into before. The only reason they didn't go for it was because of wanting to be learning more and basically not sitting around all day which there's alot of sitting around waiting in that job which suits me down to the ground, being paid to just sit and wait around sounds fantastic to me. Now we're in a sort of crisis situation because we have to get our son to therapy I think going for a sitting around getting paid job is the best option all round. The therapy will be hard and we'll need our focus to be on that not what I call "nonsense" which there is so much nonsense at this place it's unreal.

Also the sitting around waiting job is working completely alone which suits me too. I liked working alone when I worked for myself.

If they're all getting ready internally I guess I'm supposed to be getting ready externally. That means minimise all stress so life is largely therapy focused. And the only thing that brings any upset that can be changed is work. Plus if that guy doesn't leave who says he's leaving or not leaving then I'm definitely leaving. For a couple of reasons. One reason being there's a part of me that thinks they're in love with him, that's a problem for a few reasons. Secondly I had started to really look forward to working alone even though I was nervous of it. Thirdly I find him hard work personally. He randomly wants everyone to stay late, we're not paid to stay late so thank God for the overlord. Sometimes he's really moody, angry or sad or both and he chops and changes. So sometimes he's helpful and sometimes he isn't, he's mean. I don't know about DID, I think it's the twins who thought that, Patrick likes him, the others seem to like him, I thought he's ok at first, a really nice guy. But me and the overlord dunno about DID, we don't notice things the twins notice or Karen would notice because she has alot of psychology training and reading and Mandy seems to instinctually "see" alters - when my son said "other parts of himself" Mandy knew them, not as names but as labels "silly fun" "dark scary" "street talking" and she does the same with the possible DID guy we work with but I can't see him how she sees him. I just see a changeable, difficult, haphazard person who tries to make me work late and randomly changes jobs on me in confusing ways. The twins could follow how and why and they liked how he worked but I can't follow it so I find it annoying. The overlords opinion is just go along with it, this slavery of our body for coins, until we can leave. The overlord isn't really helping my whole problem with not particularly liking any kind of work that makes me leave the house. But i feel like he at least sort of understands how I feel whereas the others never did, they love work. Their no1 priority was get to be well enough to be in full time work, I agreed that it's an optimal situation because it is, to be well enough to be able to manage a full time job, children and bills and a home but it doesn't mean I have to like the full time work part. But I'm not a sabatier, I very much agree we all need to work together towards common healthy goals and also I'm pretty sure most people don't like work and just do it because they have to so in that sense I'm the most "normal" alter when it comes to work attitude.

I just type here to pour stuff out because the overlord isn't much of a conversationalist, not empty like "no-one" or brain numbing, he's just quiet so I have no alter to reflect on the day with. That's why this thread has carried on so long. I guess one minded people talk to other people but I don't really do that, some of the others do but I don't. I tried it a bit but it feels pointless and I think there's better stuff to talk about if I'm going to bother to talk to other people. So I'm kind of dumping here.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
Sarandipity
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Re: Writing here before I get paper

Postby Sarandipity » Fri May 10, 2019 6:47 pm

Ok so it's still just me and the overlord. He doesn't usually say much of anything. Today I was physically exhausted from the previous days. My job is physical. The overlord thought "we need blood, two livers and a brain" I asked why. He said because then he'll have strength. Years ago this would of severely bothered me and I would of been straight to a psychiatrist but now I'm like "ok, you do that then" but I did ask him "why" He said he's a sort of vampire. Ok I said (lol). Then he said but it can't be human because I'm too old to eat human. It has to be vampire (double lol). Fine I said. It doesn't help that the company we were working for has a vampire kind of linked name. Anyway he imagined that what we were working with was a vampire and he was disassembling it to eat it. Anyway it worked and the body felt good and the job was easier.

It made me think when I was eating my lunch about in the past when I would of gone to a psychiatrist. It would of sounded like this "I'm hearing voices. They're saying I'm some kind of vampire" and no wonder they would diagnose me schizophrenic and give me anti psychotics. Now I think to myself, this has to be actually a child alter. It's this child's alters imagination. That's ok and I let it be. All the way to get lunch the overlord felt revitalised. Obviously to him my actual food was weird stuff, apparently he likes to eat demons too - because he's that old obviously lol. Well "it" because the overlord is genderless and can look and be anything. He knows "father time" and "death" is his friend.

Before meeting the overlord with an introduction and not having any knowledge of alters or DID or anything at all of course this would completely freak me out. I thought it was the twins who would say stuff like this but their stuff is either stories of vampires etc that they like to tell Mandy but their "inner world" stuff is all about computers and owning companies. They're fantasy stuff, other than claiming to be demons, is basically stories. I've had none of the eating weird stuff thoughts since times when I was in psychiatric hospital. It did really really upset and disturb me, I thought I was absolutely insane. I didn't eat anything for nearly three months once except bran flakes and orange. I put in down to Karen, who was weight obsessed until therapy, and the twins convincing me of strange food but they don't do this with food, have these strange ideas. It must of always been the overlord.

The overlord I had never heard of or known about until my recent shock regarding my son and my system being in shock. I hadn't had strange thoughts like this since my last therapy which was about 12 years ago. From how it's been described to me by the twins and the overlord that makes alot of sense.

In therapy it was decided that the twins would go subconscious to work to align the known parts into building a life. What I didn't know until recently is that it also involved the overlord taking his people to a seperate internal place where they would help the twins by "spinning the wheel" so the appropriate known alters could learn and function in life. It makes sense for the twins to put themselves out of the picture, they tell alot of stories and like to "be on drugs" etc etc and it makes alot of sense to put an alter seperate who believes he's a - I don't even know what he thinks he is, not a vampire or a demon but something older. I'll have to ask him, if he's talking to me because I laughed. I'm sorry I laughed but if I don't laugh I will be upset or disturbed and not cope but still I'm sorry I laughed, it's an inappropriate response. It makes sense to put an alter who has these beliefs away from the front, give him an important job so he doesn't pop up and create upset. It makes alot of sense. Now it's like I can hear an echo of the twins, how they planned at the time 12 years ago "we're going to have to get the overlord out of the picture, give him an important job" they discussed it, could they trust him and they decided they had to try and to be fair he has done a fantastic job, I have built a life and followed through on plans and functioned really well.

I'm seeing him as a child alter which makes him kind of sad. But also regardless, the power of the mind. I was exhausted and struggling, could barely face the job. The overlord believed what he believed, he said you can't eat vampire brain it has no nourishment, apparently it was a cats brain (lovely), and the job more or less fell apart in my hands and became easy. Regardless of whether he's an overlord or overseer or creature of dominion (I asked him what he is) or a child alter with a fantastic imagination and strong belief he made my life easier. That's the power of the mind and that I find incredible.

I don't really find DID incredible or hard to believe. I live with it and since I accepted it and it's origins my life, ie not thinking omg I'm mad quick take me to the hospital, has become calmer and I deal with things better. Therapy obviously helped immensely. At the time when the psychiatrist put me in group therapy and the other group members noticed I was different from day to day and sometimes I had no recollection of sessions because another group member had said something really disturbing, I was horrified, felt exposed and frightened. But today I "ate vampire heart, and two livers and a cats brain" and I know it's sort of "ok" Do vampires have two livers or did we eat two seperate vampire livers? Apparently they have two livers because of digesting all the blood - good to know. Anyway it's ok. It's a child alter. I have to talk to them, and work out how they're there so to speak, what happened to them or what brought them into being and yeah that might be painful but it's better than pouring Anti-psychotic meds down myself and becoming a metaphorical zombie.

He said we can't become an actual zombie because of his venom. He said zombies are food to him. Vampires are better food and demons he really enjoys but they're only for special occasions or very occasionally because you do have to digest their power and process it or it can overtake weaker parts of the system.

I dunno, anyway for now I'll just find out what else he's believing etc, gain trust till I can talk to him on other levels. Also apparently I can't call the overlord he because that's offensive and apparently "it" is preferred for a creature of his nature. Now he wants to know where's the witch, which is Karen as far as I know, because he's fed up with my human mentality. Karen probably would literally go along with him but I don't know she'd just believe him.

And that was my day other than the guy I work with being unusually pleasant but then he was on a half day after spending time with his wife so I must of seen his at home person or something but is English was very clear, I did notice that, and I'm sure the others said his at home person had more accent not less when that happened before, the twins keep internal accessible records of everyone internal and external - literally everything. One guy at work was filling in a dating ap thingy and I knee him better than he knew himself even though personally I barely know him.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
Sarandipity
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Re: Writing here before I get paper

Postby Sarandipity » Fri May 10, 2019 7:10 pm

Also apparently I have to write this. Some parts of me, no-one is owning up so saying that it's probably actually "no-one" that believes this but perhaps not. "a guy a work with is Jesus, is." ok so he has long hair and a beard like Jesus. He put chewing gum and Jelly Beans in my locker. They say it proves he's Jesus and he wants me to heal. Smh, anyway... I forgot to brush my teeth this morning, which is highly unusual btw, and I thought I wish I could get chewing gum but I had no time. In my locket I found chewing gum and a bag of jelly beans. I know it's the guy who sort of looks like Jesus because he eats sweets all the time and he likes to be annoying and he knows I hate it when other people put stuff in my locker. By coincidence I needed the chewing gum and by coincidence I love jelly beans but never eat them because when I was 11 me and a few friends pigged out on jelly beans and one of them got appendicitis. Now I know jelly beans don't cause appendicitis, I knew that when I was 11, but it's something that kind of stayed with me so I just don't eat jelly beans. Apparently the guy is not Jesus like Bible Jesus, he's an Internet Jesus whatever that blummin means, sounds like the twins plus no-one. I really like the guy, he cheers me up and I just realised the only internal document info I have on him is "he eats alot of sweets, he has a crap phone, he likes Eminem but I don't know what other music and he's a massive winde up" which for me is practically no info what soever. Anyway I like him, Internet Jesus who apparently did alot to be there. Whatever, this is a disregardable message in a DID sense because I'm pretty sure the twins are behind this one because they wouldn't want to miss out on trying to mess with me when I let the overlord get away with his "we need to eat a vampire and a cats brain" We all like the Jesus guy. He's a stand up guy and he cheers me up. The end.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 666
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Mon May 20, 2019 4:42 pm
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Re: Writing here before I get paper

Postby Sarandipity » Mon May 13, 2019 7:39 pm

Wrote long reply. Lost it.

In short.

Weird day yesterday. Overlord bought no-one a present because she said then she'd let it go that he forgot about her for 20 years.

Learnt loads abo overlord /Mr or Mrs Brightside. 1. Name suits him because he always looks on brightside when he's Mr brightside. 2. He does not turn radio on like others. 3. He likes magazines but can't read well, twins usually read for him 4. He loves animals and hates people. 5. He's a vegan 6. He likes electric music because when I told him others always have music he went on YouTube and found some stuff he likes before I would of said I hate that music 7. He likes oreo, others don't (but I think there might be animals in it, I won't tell him - now he's gonna check whoops), 8. He is childlike like Mandy but hates to be touched at all where as Mandy is very cuddly 9. He swears alot(so do twins but other parts don't). 10. He's spontaneous and focused to get what he wants.

Mostly lately I've realised I'm incredibly depressed. When left alone I do nothing and just want to cut myself and cry and eat chocolate and sleep.

-- Mon May 13, 2019 7:48 pm --

It being just me and the overlord has become my new "normal" and if I didn't have this forum I would of gone back into Denial and believed that alters were all a bad dream and even forget the overlord is with me. At least until they've all worked out and prepared for therapy to get my son to go to therapy and then I'd "wake up" again and realise the nightmare is real.

I'm going to have weekly meetings and keep coming here to make sure I don't slip into Denial. Hopefully others will agree.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Silent Lake : The Whisperers, The Lightbringers, Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings), The Overlord
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 666
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Mon May 20, 2019 4:42 pm
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