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experience with integration

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experience with integration

Postby incognito1 » Fri May 03, 2019 7:10 pm

I was wondering if people who have gone through integration could post their experiences. Just started therapy and was interested in learning more about integration.
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Re: experience with integration

Postby Sarandipity » Sun May 05, 2019 7:16 am

I would like to learn more about it too. Things I've read so far elsewhere seem to have downsides - eyesight issues or pain issues become constant. I'm not up for it if the downside outweighs the upside but if it's overall better then I'd think about it definitely. Also I'd like to know if there's integration and then I don't like it can I go back to being multiple instead? Hopefully people will respond to your post that have integrated.
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Re: experience with integration

Postby incognito1 » Sun May 05, 2019 3:52 pm

Yes, but please leave negative feelings out
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Re: experience with integration

Postby KitMcDaydream » Mon May 06, 2019 8:13 am

Why would integration cause eyesight problems and pain?

Do you mean when 2 alters co-host together? or is 'integration' a term for something else?
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Re: experience with integration

Postby birdsong87 » Mon May 06, 2019 9:29 am

we haven't 'integrated' but we do blending exercises, like practicing for integration.
for us it feels really good, very strong, very clear and present and more alive than we ever feel otherwise.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: experience with integration

Postby fireheart » Mon May 06, 2019 10:52 am

I haven't experienced integration, but I do know that it is about gaining things. Now there are still dissociative walls, but then you will have access to a greater repertoire of behaviour, thoughts, feelings and skills. That's really powerful, but it would be way too overwhelming/impossible if you haven't worked on trauma stuff first.
I want to try blending exercises, too.
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Re: experience with integration

Postby Skaya » Mon May 06, 2019 1:03 pm

Myself and another alter, Heather, integrated organically - it was extremely helpful, allowing a continuity of thought and expression, coherency of emotion and intention, et cetera. I am extremely pro-integration as a direct consequence, I believe if our whole system integrated we would be far stronger. Vivian.
Em (25, f, host), Jen (19, f) Echo (4, f) Angel (9, f), Vivian (36, f), Jacob (13, m), Xavier (?, m), Oliver (?, m) SO Lex (f) may be mentioned.
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Re: experience with integration

Postby Zor » Mon May 06, 2019 3:01 pm

Skaya wrote:Myself and another alter, Heather, integrated organically - it was extremely helpful, allowing a continuity of thought and expression, coherency of emotion and intention, et cetera. I am extremely pro-integration as a direct consequence, I believe if our whole system integrated we would be far stronger. Vivian.


So this kinda scares me, and some others of us, too... cuz like are you less "you" if you integrate with another part? So like if say Zor and I were to do this eventually... would he be less Zor and more "me", and me less me and more "him" in a kinda like fusion or mixture of us each? IDK I wanna stop being me, and IDK that my "job" of taking ppl away can be like given up cuz like who would do that if I wasn't here?! IDK, the entire idea kinda like scares me

I am ok getting more connected and being like co-conscious maybe, so we can both be like aware when one of us is out, maybe even like having input and making decisions together, but that's a lot diff than like giving up who you are, and like giving up being distinctly ME... so IDK... it's kinda scary to me.

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Re: experience with integration

Postby Floralie » Mon May 06, 2019 5:04 pm

Identity is not as real thing as it feels to be. The fact people can have DID is proof of that. You think your identity, the sense of self and feeling of being "me" is tied up to your traits, but it's not. And that is why integration is hard concept to understand before you experience it.

I haven't experienced, but I've heard. And I've heard it feels great. You do blend, but still don't feel any less "me". You feel more, not less. But like mentioned before, you can not do it before trauma is being dealt with and feels normal memory, because as long as trauma is in the system, you do need to be separate. DID is not there for nothing, it's there because there's way too much pain for one person to deal with. And it all has to be dealt with, before integration can happen safely.

If there is a main front in system, they may know how it feels to still feel "me", but in fact be someone else. It's when you switch without blacking out, you just become someone else and feel as much "me" as you did, when your sense of self was attached with "real you", but you may not realize you are not you, but someone else, until that someone else goes away and leaves you wondering why on earth you felt/acted the way you just did. But the same sense of being "me" can be attached to different part of personality and feel as much "me" as it does when it's attached with the part of personality it usually is. Integration does not feel like that, it's not just another part, but it has the same way of staying "me" even if you become different.

In full integration there is only one sense of self left, and it feels "me" to all of you. It does not feel less you, because sense of self is illusion in a way, it is not tied up with just certain traits like it feels now it is. It's not. When you all feel the same "me" is all of you, you have access to everything in the system. Everyone has access to everything all the time and co-operation is so flawless it just happens, you don't need to negotiate, because you feel each others feelings as yours, and in fact, they are yours. Same sense of self can be attached to a different personality and you feel still as much you, or if it's integration, probably more real, full and alive than before. Because it is closer to how you are supposed to be. How it's described to me is that it feels exactly like that, like becoming how you always were supposed to be, and you didn't even realize before how much you lacked in life and how separate you were, just tiny bit of full thing. It s supposed to feel like coming home and things finally connecting.

Inner lives are just stories. They are not true. They are how we make sense of things that are too much to understand, we make them a story and it feels true. It's how our brains work, we fill in the blanks so we can have sense of things being in order and most of all, making sense to us. But there's more to it. There's lot of questions. Like who everyone really is. Who your children are really Pixie? In the inner life story there is a theory of what they are, but what if non of that is true? What if they are you? You all are just you. And instead of protecting them as your children, you in fact keep them trapped as kids and don't allow them, and all of you, to grow and become who you REALLY are?

It's scary as hell. I find it scary now that things are starting to open to us and I'm starting to see the connections between my life and the lives of the others. And although I knew, I still wasn't ready for the fact they really are there because of traumas that happened to "me", to this body, and they are not as separate as they have been before with their background stories completely different from mine. I don't want to see their lives to be exposed and find out it was the same life I had. They are not supposed to be me. And yet I do know they must be, because there's no one else they could be. They can not be real, if they weren't born because of the things that happened in our body's life. I don't even believe in such things, but I would still rather think they are separate souls who happened to jump into my body because of some weird supernatural reason, than to admit they have to be something else than what our inner life stories tells us they are. And what dissociation tells us they are.

I'm scared of integration too, mostly because it's too much to understand. It feels big thing like other things too big, like dying. It's too much, so we come up with stories about how it doesn't exist etc. because in order to feel safe we need stories to make sense of life. My excuse is that we don't have enough time in therapy, we only have 3 years and one of them is almost gone already. I want others to front more, come here more, into this world and we can work as a team. I'm not scared of losing me, I'm scared of losing my boys. I don't want them to go anywhere, I wanna come closer, but not that close they stop having names and their own bodies. I hope Fourteen can have as much help as possible and that he can integrate as much as possible for him, so there would not be constant suffering. And after that we would live together the rest of our lives. Outsiders don't have to know, but the ones we maybe let close to us some day need to accept us as multiple. That's my goal. So I do understand really well why other people feel the same and don't wanna be just one. It feels like it would feel lonely. But maybe that is how we are supposed to feel if we are alone, and feeling lonely is getting better. Then we would reach outside and have relationships with other people, not just within ourself.
Floralie F main front
Sami M 16 defender
Lucas M 16 self care manager
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder with DID-system:
- Leon M 4 ANP-little -> in changing process
Ferro M 14/24
Rami M 25 inner caretaker manager, inner protector
Anastasia F 26 inner caretaker, female sexuality
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Re: experience with integration

Postby KitMcDaydream » Tue May 07, 2019 7:02 am

" It's when you switch without blacking out, you just become someone else and feel as much "me" as you did, when your sense of self was attached with "real you", but you may not realize you are not you, but someone else, until that someone else goes away and leaves you wondering why on earth you felt/acted the way you just did"


This is how my system works. Does that mean I'm/We're integrated? I never felt so aware of seperate alters until recently and working back and reading diary entries etc it seems to have occurred after my eldest dog died because I had to make the heart breaking,soul destroying decision to have her PTS. After that my mental health seemed to go downhill fast. This is what seemed to trigger the end of 'Maddie'. 'Spirit' had been her assistance dog for most of Maddie's existence and she just no longer wanted to live.

Without Maddie up front to act as filter, I as 'Kit' suddenly became acutely self aware of everything. Everything seemed to trigger sensory overload, so I guess making it appear that the Autism was suddenly becoming worse again or I was having another breakdown.

Maybe this is what caused the other 'breakdown' when I ended up in the autism unit years ago? I suspect now it was the time 'Thea' first left after been up front constantly for over 10 years (at that time). so again I'd lost my 'world filter' and everything seemed suddenly more intense.

I'm glad I know that but now worry that every alter leaving or needing to take a break is going to trigger a breakdown in Kit. Maybe I'm so used to being integrated it triggers panic when another alter is not there consistently?
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