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weird experience **possible trigger warning**

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weird experience **possible trigger warning**

Postby fireheart » Tue Apr 30, 2019 8:14 pm

Trigger warning for talk about body stuff. Possible body memory.




Some days I feel really dirty. Like, physically dirty. Like my skin is dirty and my breath is dirty, like everything is gross. It doesn't help to take a shower/bath, etc. I don't think I'm actually very dirty because those things don't work, but the sense is strong enough that I'm not entirely sure.
It tends to go together with dissociation and/or sleepiness. Like it is impossible to truly wake up the whole day long.

Has anyone ever had similar experiences? How would/do you go about dealing with this? It's a really bad feeling and I hate it. Just grosses me out. I've been dealing with it off and on for years. Don't understand where it comes from.
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Re: weird experience **possible trigger warning**

Postby Dnester » Tue Apr 30, 2019 8:37 pm

I used to feel that way. I dont think mine had to do with dissociation though. *******Trigger warning(mention of sex)***** I used to be very freaked out about being dirty. I cant stand for my hands to feel sticky. I used to freak out about sex worrying about bodily fluids and how they made me unclean. Then I worked at a Vet clinic as an assistant and so I had to deal with urine, poop, blood etc with that. I used to have this thing where I felt dirty ecspecially "down there" and for some reason when I felt dirty down there I would have to clean up. Sometimes I used rubbing alcohol. Eventually I just said enough is enough I am clean and went on to more normal routines. I thought it was all OCD until I dug into my past a little bit but I kind of used the same method you would treat OCD with.
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Re: weird experience **possible trigger warning**

Postby birdsong87 » Tue Apr 30, 2019 9:10 pm

we do have this too and I know we came across it recently in literature, so it is not a rare thing to experience.
I cannot for the life of me remember where we read about it.
but since it has nothing to do with reality is cannot be solved by washing.
we observe it as uncomfortable, are mindful when washing and use essential oils to create a sense of cleansing that goes deeper...
are there any parts inside who specifically feel this way? this could easily be based on a flashback experience someone got stuck in, even just a fragment...
I hope it won't last for long
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: weird experience **possible trigger warning**

Postby SeveralCrows » Tue Apr 30, 2019 9:33 pm

We've had that unclean feeling before, though less lately. We have the "impossible to truly wake up the whole day long" thing a lot more, and are dealing with it today and several days lately.

With the unclean feeling, I'm pretty sure that relates to shame. The unclean feeling might relate to specific trauma or be more general, but processing trauma or negative self-shaming beliefs related to it can help you to believe that you aren't permanently something negative.

I still haven't figured out how to deal with the struggling to be awake issue. I've had it a lot of days lately and it's really horrible. Maybe we'll have insight when we finally wake up.

-some Crows
32F Human Body - OSDD-1 System of ~22 known parts, including fragments.
Sev3 is the main front and mostly identifies with the body.
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Re: weird experience **possible trigger warning**

Postby SOHank » Wed May 01, 2019 2:31 pm

Sally holds physical representations of past harms to the body. Everything from skinned elbows from a bicycle accident to ... worse. She sees herself as covered in yuck and can't understand why anyone would care about her with how she "looks and smells".

Painting has helped her. Also writing down the stories of how each injury happened helped. The next step from her T is to write about how to heal the wounds, which Sally is afraid of doing.

Through all of this, I haven't noticed a "feeling dirty" sensation come though to SF, at least not that she talked about, but helping Sally has significantly increased SF's confidence in herself.
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Re: weird experience **possible trigger warning**

Postby fireheart » Wed May 01, 2019 6:06 pm

Thanks for the responses! It's helpful.

Today was really hard, too. Some observations: I was really mindful in the morning during the washing routine, and I felt really surprised about how much we do. So, maybe there was a part who is not usually there for the routine?
I felt clean after that, the feeling started when I thought more about parts and therapy. Especially when I tried to convince myself to hold an inner meeting. That's when the sleepiness started and I couldn't stop yawning.
I looked it up and yawning can also be a sign of anxiety. After yawning so much, I repeatedly had tears stream down my face & that also made it feel more gross.
So maybe part of the feeling comes from that?

I cannot find a particular part it belongs to, but somehow it feels teenage-y. And it does seem connected to guilt/shame in some way. I don't get it yet, and I hope it passes soon!
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