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Need help

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Need help

Postby Dnester » Fri Apr 12, 2019 2:13 am

I knew I said I wasnt going to be on here but I need help. Since I lowered my Invega dose 3 and 1/2 months ago. (The same time the chatter started) I have also been having weird things happen to me. One is I just feel like I am literally just going to lose my mind. I dont know how to explain. Just that I will lose my sh*t and end up in thehospital. Also wildly changing emotions from happy to sad in seconds. Also (this has happened several times) since the 1 and 1/2 year I have been on the Invega) I stood up and walked up behind someone for absolutely no reason. I had no idea why I had done it and had to quickly say something so I didnt look like a stalker. Then tonight at the movieswith my sister my hands were going towards her and I had no idea why so I realized and quickly grabbed my candy box. Also things happen at night when I am just about to drift asleep( different from the chatter) I hear things like last night I heard my name called and it sounded like it was coming from my head but sort of in my counselors voice and I have had that happen that I hear things about 8 times since the lowered Invega. I am losing my mind.
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Re: Need help

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Apr 12, 2019 5:00 am

I can't possibly know for sure what's happening with you, but everything you describe is consistent with a dissociative disorder.

Before I started therapy, I often had the feeling that I would end up in the hospital at some point--I had an image of being curled up at the end of a hallway on a psych ward, just crying and rocking back and forth. I think that was a fear about what would happen if I started to look at what was really going on in my mind, but not a realistic fear--just the sense that I would go crazy if I was aware of everything. It may even have been there as a misguided protection--to keep me from looking into it. I've never been hospitalized or even close to it, and since I've been with my current T, I haven't had that fear or that image anymore.

The other things you mention are common in DID/OSDD. Rapidly shifting emotions can be the influence of different parts who are having those feelings. Body movements that feel out of your control are common in--it's other parts taking partial control. Hearing voices is very common--you've actually said numerous times that you never hear other voices, only the chatter that feels like your thoughts, so therefore you can't have a dissociative disorder. Now you're saying that you've heard voices a number of times, so there's more "evidence" for you.

I think you may be feeling scared that you're noticing the dissociative symptoms more (if that's what they are), and it's common to feel like one is "losing one's mind" when this happens. Is there someone that you can talk with to help you feel grounded and safe? When will you be seeing your old psychologist? I'm sure she would understand and be able to help you feel calmer if this is something that she treats all the time.
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Re: Need help

Postby SOHank » Fri Apr 12, 2019 12:33 pm

Nothing to add, just seconding Gang's opinions. :)
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Re: Need help

Postby Floralie » Fri Apr 12, 2019 2:31 pm

For you to be able to realize your symptoms, you need to be aware and not in denial. And as we have told, once you learn what to look for, so much things that didn't make sense before can start making sense. You start to realize there are more symptoms than you knew. If you have DID, you may have had those kind of symptoms for years, but just don't remember them, because DID is able to remove them from your memory right after they have happened. And you remember just being normal. Once you get aware, there can be a lot you think differently in your past and present.

As you are reaching inside and try to communicate with your parts, they can also start to communicate out more and reach out. It can feel like symptoms are increasing rapidly. You don't have to be scared of it, it's all still just you, parts of you.

But we are not professionals. We only get to know what you tell us, and it is not always the whole truth. You need trauma therapy, someone you can see and who can see you. But there's nothing to be scared of. It all still matches very well with OSDD/DID, and if you do have one of them, it's how you've been your whole life. So there's nothing new in it but your awareness.

It is very normal for symptoms to hide for years and years, and then become active. It's a good thing, because it means you can be aware of them and get treatment for it. As long as you are in denial or all internal communication is suppressed with medication, it's just like a painkiller to a broken bone. It won't heal right, ever, on it's own.

As long as you do know it is all you (although it can be different part of you and you can't control it), not any outside force, it does not sound psychotic. It's just more evidence, and I hope it counts for you.

We have episodes too, when we feel very poorly oriented and "crazy". It feels like if we try to speak just nonsense comes out, and when we write it's not how we meant it to be. But when the feeling go away and we come to read again what we wrote, it does make sense after all. It was just a feeling it didn't. Fourteen has that a lot too. He feels like going crazy and sometimes it can come with weird images we see, although we don't actually see them. But it's like we would see them inside when we are looking at the outside. And then we feel like totally loosing it, like we are not in this world anymore, we are just atoms.. but we still can talk and describe it as it happens at it always passes on it's own. We are not scared of that feeling anymore. We've been thinking if that is some kind of weird flash back, or if it's just another symptom.

You are strong. You've been thru so much trauma and survived. You will survive now too, as always. This is why this place exists. We can't do your diagnose but you can come and see people who live their life with DID. It's not the end of the world, it's the beginning of getting better.

You can always come back, even if you felt like leaving away. That's how it is with DID, things change and feelings change depending who is in control and who is close. Just like with the rapid mood swings. We all understand it.

When your body does something you didn't mean to do, that's a good moment to try to talk to the one who is using the body with you. Don't be scared of them, it can be scary at first, but try to be friendly. Try to communicate. You don't have to just travel with the body. It is normal reaction, I guess all do it at first, before learning how to use those moments to get to know each other. Talk inside your mind, like you would be talking out loud but in your mind. Say hi and ask who are they.
Floralie F main front
Sami M 16 defender
Lucas M 16 self care manager
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder with DID-system:
- Leon M 4 ANP-little -> in changing process
Ferro M 14/24
Rami M 25 inner caretaker manager, inner protector
Anastasia F 26 inner caretaker, female sexuality
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Re: Need help

Postby Dnester » Fri Apr 12, 2019 4:19 pm

Thanks for the advice guys. I am concerned about the voices though because why would it sound like my counselor and just so different from the chatter. I am scared and I dont want to bother my counselor.
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Re: Need help

Postby Dnester » Fri Apr 12, 2019 9:38 pm

It makes me feel like this is schzophrenia or psychosis. Why would it be happening only upon falling asleep as the chatter is when I am awake but trying to go asleep. There is a difference. Why wouild it be like hearing different people I have encountered during the day?
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Re: Need help

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Apr 13, 2019 12:36 am

Maybe it makes you feel like that, but it doesn't sound like it at all. It sounds like a dissociative disorder (as many people have told you).

First you said you only had chatter and not voices of different people, so it couldn't be DID/OSDD. Now you're admitting to hearing voices of different people, but you're nit-picking about who the voices sound like. It doesn't matter.

You don't need to know why it sounds like your counselor. There could be many reasons. Perhaps a part was imagining a conversation with them, or perhaps they're an important person in your life in either a positive or negative sense, and a part is imitating them, or has incorporated features of them, such as their voice. Or if it's happening when you're falling asleep, then maybe it's the beginning of how the brain processes everything that happened that day while you're sleeping. That's one of the functions of dreams, but it happens in other sleep stages, too, I think.

How about trying not to ask any questions that start with the word "why," and just ask inside for more information. You can ASK, "I thought I heard a voice that sounded like my counselor saying my name. Does someone want to talk to me? Or is there someone who needs me to help them with something?" (Either out loud or in writing, and then BE OPEN to the answers that you receive, even if you THINK they're "just" your thoughts.)

These are ideas about how to usefully explore what's going on. Repeatedly asking why things are happening a certain way, with a lot of fear about the way they're happening, is NOT going to get you very far.
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Re: Need help

Postby Dnester » Sat Apr 13, 2019 1:06 am

I talked to her. This is what she said but I cannot go back to the hospital or I will be but in the State hospital for the rest of my life.

I don’t recall you saying anytime recently that you felt you were going to lose your mind.  For the record I am here for you until I leave.  I will let you know if I can’t help you.  All of the incidents you describe sound like times it would be helpful to use grounding strategies.  It sounds to me you are experiencing some anxiety that could be coming from early body memories.  When those things happen I encourage you to try to notice what is happening and breathe just noticing your body.  If you are alone you can make a boo sound as you inhale.  Possibly my upcoming departure and your getting reconnected to Dr. C are creating anxiety.  If you need to be in the hospital then try to just let that be.
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Re: Need help

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Apr 13, 2019 1:20 am

I'm glad that you have someone like that there for you. I'm sorry she'll be leaving soon. Remembering to ground yourself when you are feeling anxious and scared is great advice.

Breathing is always good, but sometimes noticing what is happening inside you can create more anxiety, so you can try instead to connect to the present, outside your body, with all of your senses. One strategy I like is to notice three things that you see, and describe three things about each one (round, shiny, large, yellow, etc). Then focus on three sounds that you hear, and describe three things about each one (harsh, loud, constant, musical, etc). Then three things you can feel (your shirt, a wall, whatever), and describe three things about each (soft, thick, bumpy, smooth, etc). Some people go on to do smell and taste. I find that by the time I get to the things to feel, I'm already calmer

There are many strategies like that, that's just one that I find easy to remember and to do even when I feel very stressed.
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Re: Need help

Postby Dnester » Sat Apr 13, 2019 4:06 am

Thanks guys
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