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Questioning If I Have D.I.D?

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Questioning If I Have D.I.D?

Postby jjjeremyj » Thu Mar 14, 2019 5:13 pm

I have watched video after video and read article after article - I've talked to myself and written back and forth with myself which only makes me feel more uncertain - I almost feel like I'm faking this concept to myself. I'm a writer, and one of my main characters has felt like an alter. He even has appeared in my dreams, and with the recent meeting of a friend with DID and another friend agreeing that it's very likely, I find myself baffled.

I feel the need to lash out at my friends, but not as myself - I felt like I was fighting with him that feels as though an alter - I've come to the point I keep nearly calling him an alter. I felt like I was going to blame a friend for trauma I went through, and at that time those memories flood in and I remember the memories, until I felt less angry, and then it was like a distant dream. Sometimes I can remember then if I really think. And I realize, that to me, I didn't want to lash out, but some part of me did, but it was out of my control.

I've had dissociation where I feel extremely disconnected from my body, though I didn't dub it as feeling like someone else. I would feel like I was just existing within a body, moving, but not doing anything. The character I feel connected to happens to have a backstory I gave him, that I keep having nightmares of, happening to me. He also seems to be a reoccurring theme in my dreams, even before I thought of any of this - heck, that's how I made him, was for three nights in a row I dreamed of him. (And I don't remember most my dreams/I don't dream)

To top all of this, I gave this character a fear of water - ever since I started feeling like he was real, like he was a person, that he was a part of me - I have felt very anxious in the shower, whereas I didn't before.

Did I confidentially make a character that I'm beginning to really relate to? I can't write my story without feeling guilty and weird - I've currently scrapped it just because of this whole thing. Do alters appear in dreams? Can you accidentally make a character that ends up being an alter?

This is all over the place, sorry - but I just can't figure this out, and it's all I've thought about for months.
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Re: Questioning If I Have D.I.D?

Postby Ponyta » Fri Mar 15, 2019 6:23 pm

Hi. In our system we can show up in our host's dreams, if we wish. As for the writing, it is possible it is the same in your system, as ours. We helped our host write numerous times, she was unaware of it at the time. We did put certain aspects of ourselves into some characters. She's just finding that out recently. It's "creepy" (not sure if that's the right word) to her. We didn't mean to "creep" her out, but it just happened that way.

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Re: Questioning If I Have D.I.D?

Postby Dwelt » Fri Mar 15, 2019 8:07 pm

jjjeremyj wrote: Do alters appear in dreams? Can you accidentally make a character that ends up being an alter?


Yes, and yes.

I've found the old stories I wrote when I was younger, and now wonder how I could be so blind. My two mains characters are poster-child for DID, and there's a lot of similarities between my "main group" of characters and my system.
Those stories are basically a reflection of our mind at this time.
French system

Duo 1 : Plume, outside-manager | Daemon, inside-manager
Duo 2 : Kal, protector | Erdian, social-manager

"Little" group : Nicolas | Linda | Nathan | Ethan

Second group : Lea | Cassandra | Varegh, protector | Claude, protector
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Re: Questioning If I Have D.I.D?

Postby Floralie » Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:09 pm

Alter is an old word to what we call a part nowadays. If you like word alter better, it's OK to use it too. I just told it because we use the word part, but it's the same thing than alter. We have two systems, one was formed in childhood. I don't know a lot about them, just that they exist. Another system lives in different inner world, and they are in a way something that at least felt like imagination, that grew to be real parts with their own identities.

You need to first develop DID from trauma as a child, always. After you have DID, you can develop new parts when ever needed. It's not uncommon people have wrote or just thought in their mind stories about their parts, without realizing they are parts. We know many systems who have done it, including us. It's hard to tell which was first, imagination, or a part and you started thinking them and how they are like, when they started to get closer to you and their traits started to leak to your conscious mind, and it felt like creativity and imagination. It can be either way, it doesn't really matter. What is important, is that a part can be something that you thought for a long time is just something you made up.

I have sometimes dreams where I am some of the known parts, but still look like myself. People around me seem to believe I am the part tho. It feels weird and I'm not sure if those other people see me as them, like having their gender and looks etc. Parts have never came to my dreams to tell me anything important, not that I remember, but that's just us, some systems communicate a lot in their dreams. I accidentally saw a dream of another part once, it was sex dream, but I don't think he minded too much. I do know what they all are into like that, so it was nothing new. We have plenty of different states between awake and dream, and I have understood that it would be more common with people with DID than with people without it. We also have plenty of lucid dreams, when we know that we are in a dream and can decide what happens. It's cool, it took some time to learn how to do it, but now it's easy. We don't create lucid dreams knowingly tho, we can't decide when the appear, but when we are in one, we can alter it any way we want to. I figured out, that more we alter our dreams and are aware of dreaming, more other dream related symptoms there will be, sleep paralysis for example. But it can also be about stress. When we are stressed, we stay aware of everything, including sleeping. And because of that same stress sleep paralysis is more likely to happen also. Those can be SOOOO scary I will try to avoid getting them as much as possible.

Both dreams and parts are about subconscious mind, and I think that's why parts appearing in dreams is logical.
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Re: Questioning If I Have D.I.D?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:18 pm

The things that you said you "gave" your character--what about if you thought of it as "realizing he has." So you realized he has a fear of water, rather than you gave it to him.

I am still sorting a lot of this out myself, so even as I'm writing it, there is a resistance to acknowledging that things that I've thought I've "imagined" are actually ways that parts are communicating with me.

Let's say I knew someone, a friend, who was terrified of water and felt anxious in the shower (for example). And I wasn't, and had never been, afraid of water. But, I want to be a good and empathic friend, and I try to imagine what that must be like for them. So I might try to put myself in their shoes, and offer ways I would want to be helped with that fear.

Or I want to be a good actor, let's say, and convincingly do a scene where I feel scared when I'm in the shower--so I try to imagine fear and portray it on the outside--with my expression and body language.

In neither of those cases would I then start to be anxious myself in the shower. Imagination just doesn't work like that. What does work like that is when a part of you has a feeling that is coming through to you. Maybe you blocked it in the past and didn't know it was there. "Giving it" to the "character" could be a dissociated way of coming to terms with the fear of water that this part actually has (for whatever reason).

I can't delve too deeply into this concept right now--it's scaring someone too much and will just send them back into denial. But something that is just your imagination continues to always feel owned and controllable by you. When it doesn't, there is something else going on.
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Re: Questioning If I Have D.I.D?

Postby Zor » Sat Mar 16, 2019 12:52 am

Ponyta wrote:Hi. In our system we can show up in our host's dreams, if we wish. As for the writing, it is possible it is the same in your system, as ours. We helped our host write numerous times, she was unaware of it at the time. We did put certain aspects of ourselves into some characters. She's just finding that out recently. It's "creepy" (not sure if that's the right word) to her. We didn't mean to "creep" her out, but it just happened that way.

- A few of us (We prefer to remain anonymous for now)


Looking back at some of my old writings (going back 20+ years in some cases), I am seeing signs of the rest of us writing, influencing writing, or writing parts of what I'd written back then. I guess I should have seen the signs and the content of those writings, but I never realized or saw it then... :?
(Body - Male, 39)
Zor - primary host & main poster
The rest of us: {\Pixie/}, Kaitie-Lynn (aka "Kitten"), Kaleb, Angel, Katya, Satin, Charles, Chloe, Noah, and a few rarely seen
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Re: Questioning If I Have D.I.D?

Postby jjjeremyj » Sat Mar 16, 2019 7:39 am

Thanks for all these replies - they all have been enormously helpful. It gave me the courage to let go of the words I kept talking ti myself - I could hear someone else saying to let him play a game I was playing, and I decide to have one of my friends stick with him/me/idk lol. For now, I am... Still confused, but I do think I have an alter/part (thanks for informing me on that! I probably will still use alter because I'm used to it but part sounds friendlier.) I dunno, I'll try and get to a therapist about it, but I know those are extremely difficult to find for DID.

I feel really anxious still though - today was very stressful with things I won't mention, but to say the least I had a breakdown on the floor - finding out that my nightmares could be true, is very nervewracking to add on to all of this. Not to mention, how could I be sure I'm not making this up? I guess the answer is finding a doctor, but I don't know if I will manage to - wish me luck not dying haha.

Another couple of questions? Does sometimes the amnesia work like.. Do you have blotches of memory but can still remember bits and pieces? I remember him saying "duh" and him kinda slowly coming back. Can people jog the memory if you can't recall it, like, you can't think of it but then someone says what happened and you think, "oh yeah I kinda remember that, albeit blurry."

Also I have a raging headache and I'm super tired soo haha, this probably doesn't make sense, especially since I'm still a little irrational about the whole thing, and I'm a really energetic person so irrational combind with endless energy is kinda whoa not fun (I probably don't seem energized, but I'm trying to keep myself from goin crazy with energy and stuff haha). Anyways - thanks again for the assistance!
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Re: Questioning If I Have D.I.D?

Postby exul » Sat Mar 16, 2019 2:18 pm

Hello, I may be a bit late but I still wanted to leave a reply since your story resonates with mine too.

jjjeremyj wrote:Does sometimes the amnesia work like.. Do you have blotches of memory but can still remember bits and pieces? I remember him saying "duh" and him kinda slowly coming back. Can people jog the memory if you can't recall it, like, you can't think of it but then someone says what happened and you think, "oh yeah I kinda remember that, albeit blurry."


I'm not in any way an expert on this, but from research and experience I can suggest that yes, memory in general also works like that. Sometimes it happens when there are memories of stressful events and you just remember bits, or happens when you're dissociating and later try to grasp on what happened but don't seem to remember clearly.
Other times, from what I've heard and from my own experience, memories can sometimes also be "taken" from you after a while. Not sure why and if this is a common thing, so take this with a grain of salt. I'm not the best in giving advice since I'm not experienced as others are here.

This said,

jjjeremyj wrote:To top all of this, I gave this character a fear of water - ever since I started feeling like he was real, like he was a person, that he was a part of me - I have felt very anxious in the shower, whereas I didn't before.

Did I confidentially make a character that I'm beginning to really relate to? I can't write my story without feeling guilty and weird - I've currently scrapped it just because of this whole thing. Do alters appear in dreams? Can you accidentally make a character that ends up being an alter?


I really feel like I can relate to this. I'm not diagnosed, but if I assume that my parts are alters (I also prefer to use that term because it's more specific and they don't seem to mind), I also had (most of) them as "characters" in my mind. I used to want to write stories about them, but never did. Instead, I role-played them, but not in a classical way. I just "talked like them" in some online chats with people I knew, almost like acting. The fact is, I noticed that I didn't get to choose what their appearance or personality was.
If I really wanted to create a "new" one, their appearance would come to my mind instantly, and I didn't even had the chance to build them. I really tried, but couldn't. I also write sometimes, and I have some characters that I bet came out from my imagination. I chose their appearance, I chose their gender, I chose what they would do. With the others that I role-played, it seemed to be impossible. I wanted them to be serious and maybe a bit uptight? It would start to feel very wrong, and I had to go by "their" wishes. So they ended up sarcastic and loud instead. Wanted them to do or say something? Couldn't, they would say whatever they wanted, and often I couldn't keep going with the story because they just wouldn't follow it. The appearance thing was the one on which I seemed to have more choice on, but if I really tried to make one of them have black eyes, and they wouldn't want to, then I seriously couldn't imagine them in my mind in any other way. Black eyes? Nope, I have blue ones. Long hair? Nope, I want them short. Want me to be beautiful? Meh, don't want to, I'm not.
Always like this.

I also dreamt about them sometimes, and I dreamt about being them and doing stuff that never appeared in my dreams before. Some of them were very vivid, also.
These dreams happened when I tried to stop role-playing, since I started to found that silly and useless. It was a mistake, since I was becoming angry, confused, and sad most of the time. I too wanted to lash out at people for no apparent reason, and sometimes did. Turns out one of them really wanted to keep role-playing since he couldn't express himself in any other way, and bc of this was turning self-distructive. He in particular made me have those kind of dreams and behaviours.

Then, I wanted to ask you a question.
Is it you that can relate to the character, or can you just relate to him when you feel "like him" and like he's real?

Because, if I take that specific part I mentioned just now (his name is Xavier), I cannot relate to him at all, when I know it's me who's thinking and writing this. But I remember that, whenever I feel him come forward, I start reasoning, thinking, and talking like him, and suddently all my behaviours make sense. I can make sense of what I write and say, while when I'm not "him", I don't understand why I said some things, why I got angry, or even why I laughed at something that I certainly don't find funny.

I agree that you should search for a therapist and thell them whatever goes through your mind. Hope they'll be able to answer.
Have a beautiful day
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Re: Questioning If I Have D.I.D?

Postby Floralie » Sat Mar 16, 2019 9:02 pm

jjjeremyj wrote:
Another couple of questions? Does sometimes the amnesia work like.. Do you have blotches of memory but can still remember bits and pieces? I remember him saying "duh" and him kinda slowly coming back. Can people jog the memory if you can't recall it, like, you can't think of it but then someone says what happened and you think, "oh yeah I kinda remember that, albeit blurry."



Yeah, happens to me. If it would be something that happened long time ago, it would be normal. But when you suddenly have something missing and have no clue you lost time.. until founding the thing you thought you lost somewhere, and because now knowing where it is, you can recall blurry feeling about you standing where you had put the thing. Although in your mind there is no gaps in memory. It's me using the thing, and next thing it suddenly disappeared. But it's clear that you'd have never remembered it on your own, only when seeing evidence and even then vaguely.

This just happened to me yesterday. I was searching certain video from YouTube I know I watched before. Couldn't find it with key words, so I scrolled thru the history. Suddenly there was videos I didn't remember seeing. I don't like that type of content. But when I saw them in my own history, I had blurry feeling about me watching them. Would've never remembered, if it wouldn't have been there. Also the fact I don't understand time was proofed once again. There were many videos I did recall watching. They just weren't where they should've in my opinion. Some that I felt I just saw, were watched way before some other things I felt I watched long time ago.
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