How much should I know?

I'm not really sure what I should write or if I should even be here. I am KK. I think I was first diagnosed with a dissociative disorder in 2012. That was the first time I was treated on a trauma unit. Before that, I knew something was different about me, and as I progressed from one therapist to another, some validated that difference as a real thing, and others brushed it aside as nonsense. In any case, I apparently did a lot of trauma work from 2012 - 2015, when, perhaps we were moving too fast and we couldn't handle it and became suicidally depressed and actively anorexic and spent a few years in and out of hospitals just trying to keep us alive with everything from behavioral modification, to varied medications, to ECT. I've been out of the hospital and somewhat stable since September of 2017. Maybe it's a positive thing that I'm able, now, to look at the DID again, but it doesn't feel that way. The past couple years (actually my whole life) are just a blur, and the progress I made is pretty much forgotten. I have my old system map and some journals from the trauma units, but I don't actually remember (in my head) very much, and I don't remember many of my alters.


Well, my current T and I are supposed to be working together through the book, "Got Parts?" The first chapter says I need to get to know all my parts and all kinds of things about them like their histories and when they split and other characteristics and record all of this information. So yesterday I spent hours recording everything I know and remember and everything I don't remember, but have written somewhere into a database in Publisher so that I can print out a catalogue of sorts and take it to my T. (It's kind of cool, actually.) But, a lot of stuff is missing because I just don't know it. It also says in that first chapter of that book, that in the beginning of every therapy session, my T should ask me who's present, and I should be able to tell her, but I don't always know. It says these parts should be able to tell me or write down their histories, but at this time, anyway, I don't know how to communicate like that with my parts. I'm aware of them mostly by how they effect my physical and emotional feelings, and how they cause me to behave in different ways. When I'm in therapy, often 2T comes to the front. I don't know why, because she's only two years old, nonverbal, and scared of everything, which makes communicating with my T difficult. Also, Little K comes out and she's very scared and troubled by a lot of memories, or fabrication of memories, and she's not allowed to talk, and I don't necessarily recognize she's there except for a feeling in my body, and I think she self-soothes by putting our left hand on our neck. At least somebody does that, because I'm always finding my hand there and taking it down. Then there's Christian who I sense when he makes me do something I don't want to do, or won't allow me to do something I want to. He is the Rulemaker. And Seven I recognize by his anger and hatefulness towards the body and other parts. But this book says I should be able to draw a system map and a timeline detailing when each part split from which other part, and I just don't know that. Then I'm supposed to create a "Safe space Dome" for all of the parts to exist in that is tailored to the needs of all of the parts, who I, as yet, do not know and in which, I should be holding internal meetings. I am completely overwhelmed by this. I can see in my trauma unit journals, that I did hold internal meetings and record them, but right now, I find it difficult to communicate with the other parts at all. Am I doing something wrong? Should I have access to all this information, and these skills? I argue with Christian sometimes about the rules and I sometimes can't get away from the rantings of Seven, but I don't know how to just communicate at a time when they haven't first chosen to step forward because of their own agenda.

I find this exhausting and I often wonder if this is really real, because, while there's a lot I don't remember, I'm always coconscious. I don't lose time, like suddenly wake up and not know what happened. Sometimes I'm fuzzy and not too in control, but I'm always in the back.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks,

KK

Thanks to all of you who responded. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I do have my catalogue of parts that I made and I can share with my T, but I want to note on it which parts I am currently aware of and which ones I don't remember. I will probably also print out this thread for her. We did start working with, "Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation," but we got kind of side tracked with, "Got Parts?" I'll take both books with me to my appointment tomorrow, but also my journal and this thread. I usually get pushed to the back and have a hard time communicating in therapy, so I try to print out as much of my thoughts as I can ahead of time so all I have to do, when I'm struggling, is hand them to her.

Thank you again for your input. I feel greatly relieved.

KK