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Hello! I'm just existing

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Hello! I'm just existing

Postby RoyallyConfused » Sun Feb 10, 2019 3:27 am

Hello, I'm Ben! I stumbled upon this site when I was doing research on some stuff that's been happening to me recently.

Just a quick run down:

I believe I have DID. I've shown signs of this for a long time, but I didn't know what happened to me had a name. I used to ignore my black outs because I thought they were normal. I thought the voices in my head were my own (even though they didn't sound like my head voice not could I stop and start them like my own thoughts).

Alright rundown over

I don't have an official diagnosis, but I plan to start therapy as soon as I have insurance again.

What brought me to think I have DID is because firstly:

I had a switch happen in front of one of my partners when he was on the phone with his father (someone who doesn't make me happy at all). I had been drinking (and by that I had one sip of a large Dr Pepper from McDonald's that was mixed with half a shot of a 5% alcohol drink. I've drank far more than that without even becoming tipsy) and then sat down to draw. I started at midnight and at around 2am I started getting really cold and my eyes were sore. I assumed this was from drawing for so long. I tried to keep drawing, but then i looked back to the time and it was 6am. I was surprised, but didn't think anything at first. I just thought I spaced out and lost track of time. However, the next day my partner was upset with me because at around 2:30, his dad had called with bad news.

My partner came out to living room and was crying because his uncle had passed away. His dad was on speaker and said something and I, according to my partner, said very sarcastically: "So? People are like goldfish. They die then you f-cking move on."

And his dad was pissed. He was also upset with me because I apparently sounded annoyed and uncaring about the situation.

I'm a very emotional person and very sympathetic. I've cried for people who've lost family members. I would never do this, but I had apparently done so during the time I was blacked out.

Now for the second reason:

One of the voices gave me his name. I had been joking to myself that I was going to name my angry voice I hear Ryan. It was a joke that I thought to myself and I laid down afterwards to try and sleep. I had just closed my eyes when the voice I had thought of spoke clearly and said "my name is Devon"

It scared the s--t outta me because I didn't expect anything like that

Lastly:

I disassociate in the car a lot and when I do, it's like I can see my hands on the wheel, but it's like I'm just looking through my eyes and I'm not actually controlling anything.

I had been thinking (as I do when I'm spacing out) about how I'm a religious person (Wiccan) but sometimes I feel the exact opposite. This was a thought I didn't have any need to expand on, but my own voice answered me. I didn't have the thought to speak, but my body spoke anyways and said "because religion is bulls--t". I didn't want to say this and I proceeded to have a panic attack.

These were the first things that made me suspect I had DID. Now, I've noticed just how often I lose time or have thoughts that aren't my own. Specifically while I was writing this, I stopped to eat dinner(which was pizza we had delivered). I ate one slice and my other partner wanted some, so I passed the box and said he could have as much as he wanted. The box had eight slices when I opened it and I had the 'first' piece in my hand still.

There were only three left in the box.

I asked and they said I took a bite of the first slice then scarfed down it and several more slices. The 'first' slice I had in my hand was actually the fifth. I felt sick and didn't even finish eating the piece I had.

Currently the only alter I know of for a fact is Devon...any time I think hes been out is when I'm in arguments or stressed. He seems very angry and sarcastic and ready to pick fights(opposite of me. I hate conflict and yelling scares me). When my grandmother would yell at me I would feel that fuzzy feeling of disassociation and then I could hear myself yelling back at her.

I can feel the presence of others, though. Like I know theres a Little, but they're never out fully. It's again like I feel disassociation and then a child (I know they're a child because I've heard their voice when they're excited) and someone else 'taking control'

I hope I can learn more about them, but for now this is all I know

I'm really hoping to talk to other people on here about experiences and maybe learn more about myself and how to know my alters better!

-Ben <3
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Re: Hello! I'm just existing

Postby VioletFlux » Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:52 am

Hello Ben,

Welcome to the forum. Do you keep a diary or journal? That's one of the first suggestions we got and it's been super useful for us. We use paper notebooks, but other folks use computers or an app or whatever.

Mostly it's a way to just record what you're feeling and how things are going, and a place to try and communicate with the others, like asking questions or leaving answers.

We like pen and paper because you can't go back and 'edit' afterwards, and many of us have very distinct handwriting so it's clear to see who wrote something. Although that can also be a shock when you're not sure, it definitely tripped up some of us a couple times, seeing different writing in there.

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Re: Hello! I'm just existing

Postby KawaiiKitty » Mon Feb 11, 2019 12:29 pm

It could be DID it sounds like it anyway. I second the joirnalling notion although we don't really do that anymore or well not right now. But it can be very useful early on.
And welcome!

J
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Re: Hello! I'm just existing

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:07 pm

Hi Ben,

Welcome to the forum. Nothing you said rules out DID, as far as I an see, and everything you said is consistent with things that happen with DID. It sounds like these symptoms are interfering with your life and relationships, so hopefully you can find a therapist soon and figure out more about what's going on. If you read more posts on this forum, you can learn more about DID and also about treatment for it.

I "third" the idea of keeping a journal. Invite other parts to write how they're feeling and what they think about things. We use different colored pens to make it easy to see who is writing, but if we don't know who it is, we just stick to black ink and put it in quotes. (My handwriting doesn't change very much among the different parts.) You may also want to keep a log of your activities, since you seem to be losing a lot of time.
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Re: Hello! I'm just existing

Postby Ponyta » Mon Feb 11, 2019 7:40 pm

Hello and welcome to the forums! :)

I agree with the others.

Keeping a journal is a good way to document how you and the others feel. We even use it to have conversations (with the others) at times.....although we don't use it for that as much any more... due to improved inner communication. It really helped us in the "beginning" though.

A bunch of us like using different colored pens....but some just use the same pen as the others. Our handwriting is different though...so for us the ink color doesn't matter much. We technically have two journals (one would be plenty)....but some of us find it is more pleasant to type how we feel digitally. In that case....we either used different colored font or sign our name at the bottom.
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Re: Hello! I'm just existing

Postby everyone23 » Tue Feb 12, 2019 1:31 am

Hi RoyallyConfused! I am new myself but wanted to say hello and welcome to the forum.

-- Mon Feb 11, 2019 7:32 pm --

Hi RoyallyConfused! I am new myself but wanted to say hello and welcome to the forum.
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Re: Hello! I'm just existing

Postby esuzie1115 » Tue Feb 12, 2019 2:58 am

Hello. I'm fairly new too. Trying to figure everything out myself. Anyway, I wanted to say welcome! :D :lol:
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