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SO Reading our Journal (again)

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SO Reading our Journal (again)

Postby Zor » Wed Jan 09, 2019 2:20 pm

So Zor's wife was acting odd yesterday... found her in the computer room by Zor's desk where she never goes and she quickly left the room when he met her there... later was going through his dresser drawers like looking for something... (fuzzy house socks his mom mailed to us for me, I'm sure)... she only coulda known about it cuz of our journal cuz she didn't wanna talk about it weeks ago when he told her (got interrupted by company arriving, then she invited a person to stick around like ALL DAY so they couldn't talk later that day about it).

It hasn't come up later cuz a few days after that, she fell on some stairs and broke part of her back...

anyhow, I thought she'd read the journal how she was acting. Got Zor to put the pen on top in a specific place and a tiny safety pin on a certain page in the middle... this morning pen is moved, pin is gone entirely. She totally got into it.

I'm livid. I feel violated. She promised NOT to read it anymore like months ago when we found out she was doing it... IDK what to do.

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Re: SO Reading our Journal (again)

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:06 pm

sounds like your problem is bigger than journal reading.
more like major boundary issues.
we would probably over-react, since this is not the first time, confront and remove ourselves and the journal from the home for a thinking-period of at least a week. then talk about it again.
we wouldn't live with anyone who can't respect our boundaries. not a day.
L with Annett
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Re: SO Reading our Journal (again)

Postby VioletFlux » Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:14 pm

I agree with L and Annett.

She said she wouldn't do it any more. She did it again. She can't be trusted.

Ontop of the other stuff you've said about how she treats you and the others, in my opinion its borderline abusive.

Time to move on. Sorry.

Mike
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Re: SO Reading our Journal (again)

Postby Zor » Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:15 pm

So the pin was found. Ironically she like asked him to come and pick it up cuz she can't bend over cuz of her back... it was on the living room floor. :?
So in an entirely diff room- where she's spending like all her time with her back broke and stuff. So she totally got it after we went to bed, took it in there to read it, then put it back hoping (by putting the pen back kinda like it was on top) we wouldn't know any better...>:(

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Re: SO Reading our Journal (again)

Postby SOHank » Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:35 pm

Playing “devil’s advocate” here, but maybe she is trying to understand things. It still doesn’t make it right, but maybe there are at least positive motives…

I would probably right an entry talking about how I suspect she’s been reading it and mention the pen and pin... :twisted: :lol: BUT, that’s ME and may be the complete wrong thing for YOU. It sounds like it should be brought up though I have no advice how to approach that. :?

SF has two journals. One I'm allowed to read and one that I am not. It helps me know a bit more of what is going on without getting into the super personal stuff.
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Re: SO Reading our Journal (again)

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:09 pm

if she is trying to understand things she should ASK. that is how real communication works. going behind your back to find out something you are not willing to share is crossing personal boundaries.
leaving her a note in the journal is passive aggressive and not helping your drama.
what she needs is consequences. she is doing all kinds of stuff that violates your boundaries and needs. even just having friends over all day without asking you if that is ok with you...
so right now she is doing stuff, and you might say something or swallow it, and there are no consequences whatsoever. why SHOULD she make a change? this is working out really well for her! she can do anthing she likes and she never gets into trouble. she doesn't have a problem in the world.
you have to MAKE it her problem. stop taking away the consequences from her so she can feel that there is a problem.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: SO Reading our Journal (again)

Postby Zor » Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:21 pm

SOHank wrote:Playing “devil’s advocate” here, but maybe she is trying to understand things. It still doesn’t make it right, but maybe there are at least positive motives…


She said there's a general lack of disclosure (she feels) from me. She doesn't think that I tell her a lot when she asks, so she felt she "needs" to read it since I write a lot in there. IF it were concrete, more than speculation, feelings, fears, and just tidbits... it might be ok... BUT that it's so limited in terms of anything solid or substantial is difficult for me.
More over, the OTHERS are upset about it- Pixie most of all- and it's an outlet for THEM, too- for us, all of us, to communicate and try and foster communication. THAT is jeopardized with this sort of intrusion and that bothers me most of all, honestly.

SOHank wrote:I would probably right an entry talking about how I suspect she’s been reading it and mention the pen and pin... :twisted: :lol: BUT, that’s ME and may be the complete wrong thing for YOU. It sounds like it should be brought up though I have no advice how to approach that. :?

SF has two journals. One I'm allowed to read and one that I am not. It helps me know a bit more of what is going on without getting into the super personal stuff.


I told her the pin was a bookmark (it was, primarily to be a "test" but a bookmark none-the-less)... and that prompted a partially heated, partially emotional, and generally difficult (for us both) conversation. :?

We'll see where it goes.
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Re: SO Reading our Journal (again)

Postby Floralie » Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:02 pm

It is crossing boundaries. Person without DID would think all the thoughts in their head, where no one can see. But people with DID can't always do it, so we need to use tools like journals. Reading a journal is the same thing, than it would be reading singletons mind when ever, after they said NO to it already. It's not some harmless little thing.

SOHank, if you think about things that comes up to your mind suddenly in everyday situations and think, that all around you could hear those thoughts, you would be in really deep trouble really quickly. We all think about things that are intimate, things that just pops to our mind and doesn't even mean anything. After having the thought we make sense of it, like if it was a reaction and we take it back (and will never say out loud) or if it's something we DO actually think, but sharing it would only hurt people and it's not worth it, and things we can say out loud. If all what goes thru your mind would be exposed without any control from your side, that is what reading one-to-one conversations of parts THAT ARE MEANT TO BE PRIVATE are. You do not just go and look "for fun" or "out of curiosity" because you don't have any right to do so. It's getting inside someones head. A singleton would not write down those kind of things we do, because you don't need to. You know what you think without asking it about yourself.

That is exactly the reason why I get triggered about you SOs. You don't understand what are you doing, what kind of mind games are you playing and with what cost, with someone already traumatized. You have zero understanding about the consequences, but because it's not about you, it just doesn't matter. You have no way of relating, because you are one and you can keep your deepest inner things inside. Someone with DID who TRUSTS someone, can't, or could, but decided to trust. But you really don't get it. How clueless can a person be after it is explained hundreds of times?

I don't know which is worse, the ones who play hidden mind games and know exactly what they are doing (they create a system being dependent on them every time they should support them getting more independent) or the ones, who play the same mind games, but don't even know how they work.

Same kind of violations would be to go to someones fb account and write there all the intimate facts and faults of someones under their name and publish it all to the world. It would be a pretty close match, sharing secrets for stolen mind. And I mean those shared secrets would still be secrets those people willingly shared with the person who used them against them, that's why the publicity.

She is not only violating your boundaries, she is actively stopping you from getting better, by making it impossible for you to communicate with each other. You can not survive without each other, but you do nothing with her.

Isn't reading diaries against the law where you live in? It is in where I live, so is reading letters, e-mails, txt-messages etc. Maybe reporting it would make her take all of you more seriously. She does not own any of you.
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Re: SO Reading our Journal (again)

Postby raptureblues » Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:07 pm

As others have said, she is violating your collective boundaries and invading your privacy. Usually when one states they have to violate boundaries and/or your privacy to "find out more" because you don't feel comfortable talking, it is because that person cannot acknowledge that they are the reason for that discomfort and only want access to the information itself for their own sake. Forgive me if that sounds rather harsh. It may be she is only trying to understand, and I will make no attempt to say I know either you or your wife well enough to make rash judgments on the matter. However, as someone else put it, people ask and express an earnest desire to communicate when they wish to understand. They do not violate privacy and disrespect boundaries to find that information behind your back.

I think an honest discussion would be needed to try and resolve this, or better understand her motives at the very least. She may not be in a good state to have that conversation, considering her injury, but considering the circumstances I do not think things would improve over time if left as is. But that is just my opinion, take it as you will.

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Re: SO Reading our Journal (again)

Postby Zor » Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:37 pm

raptureblues wrote:As others have said, she is violating your collective boundaries and invading your privacy. Usually when one states they have to violate boundaries and/or your privacy to "find out more" because you don't feel comfortable talking, it is because that person cannot acknowledge that they are the reason for that discomfort and only want access to the information itself for their own sake. Forgive me if that sounds rather harsh. It may be she is only trying to understand, and I will make no attempt to say I know either you or your wife well enough to make rash judgments on the matter. However, as someone else put it, people ask and express an earnest desire to communicate when they wish to understand. They do not violate privacy and disrespect boundaries to find that information behind your back.

I think an honest discussion would be needed to try and resolve this, or better understand her motives at the very least. She may not be in a good state to have that conversation, considering her injury, but considering the circumstances I do not think things would improve over time if left as is. But that is just my opinion, take it as you will.

- Charles



It IS crossing boundaries- and doing this several months ago reveals two things to me... 1- I have not been as open and expressive as I NEED to be with my wife... 2- she has NOT made a lasting commitment to me, and the others, to respect privacy and boundaries.
IMHO, BOTH of those need to change. I need to be more open and explanatory with her, to remove this "need" to expose more information, so she doesn't feel she "needs" to look for it... AND she needs to simultaneously respect that not all of me/us is/are ready for that kind of vulnerability and exposure with her. This needs changes on BOTH our parts.

We DID talk earlier, but I've had some input on certain things from Pixie and understand her position in this better... and I hope (once she's awake, currently napping b/c of not sleeping well due to her injury) that we can talk more at length and MAYBE I can be more assertive (something that I struggle with and that genuinely terrifies me on some level for whatever reason- likely dating back to WHY we're dissociative to begin with, eh?)
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