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host burnout

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host burnout

Postby fireheart » Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:31 pm

I feel like I can't do this anymore.

I don't feel "ANP" anymore. Too much has happened since I started hosting. I've met too many demands. I've ignored and disregarded my boundaries too many times. I've been through trauma that I carry. I've gained too much awareness of trauma that others carry...

I'm so scared that this will be my end. I think I can feel someone new. Someone who would be able to function in daily life.

I don't know anymore. I don't know how I go on.
My therapist said: "Do you think life is just too heavy? That you have to do too many things?" but it's really not something like that. It simply exceeds my resources, I'm not saying that it's too much. I think she doesn't understand - maybe because I can't explain it well enough. It's not that I think that my life is so intense or demanding - it could be so much worse... - but it's still more than I can do. Maybe it's like that thing I read about: if you carry a cup of water, at first it's not very heavy. But if you keep on carrying it and carrying it, at some point it will be.
So you need to put it down from time to time.
I don't know how to do that.

I feel so scared and alone.
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Re: host burnout

Postby VioletFlux » Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:51 pm

Hi fireheart. Sorry you're dealing with that.

Is there any way you can just have a break? Like, get someone else to take over for a day or two or three, so you can rest?

Or better still, someone who can share the load with you, so it's not all on you? We used to have V1 as 'host' and I would help her, we'd split days, or take alternate days etc. Now I'm here a lot but Viola takes a day or two each week so it's not all on me.

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Re: host burnout

Postby raptureblues » Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:27 pm

alice felt like that a lot up until recently cause she had to do everything on her own. we're helping her out now and it seems to be helping her feel less burned out. it means we're all more tired but it's better than before. sharing stuff helps cause you work more as a team instead of having a host out front who gets burned out too badly.

hope ya feel better.

- jones
alice (23, she/her), jones (23, he/him), lain (9-14, they/them), charles (late 20s/early 30s, he/him), bubbles (<9, she/her), werne (???, he/him)

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Re: host burnout

Postby birdsong87 » Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:58 pm

we are working on that with our T right now.
one key is cooperation. To get support from inside and to do more stuff co-con. It makes it less heavy. It also changes how much energy seems get get lost in action.
another is breaks and mindfulness meditation. it is supposed to create quality breaks where the body and mind can relax a little.
Same goal with guided imagery like the light exercise, something refreshing.
That is as far as we have come with our T. She promised to show us other ways to gain energy and move away from the burnout on friday.
I don't know if that is the case, but some parts get super drained because they try to meet a very high standard. If your expectations toward yourself are too high, that can be difficult.
the T says the main place where we drain ourselves is when we do things alone without the rest of the system involved. it is incredibly hard on the body and mind to keep up the structural dissociation. the closer we stay together in everyday life, the easier it should become.
I hope you can find a place of peace. burning out is terrifying.
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Re: host burnout

Postby SeveralCrows » Tue Jan 08, 2019 4:13 am

Have you started re-establishing your boundaries yet? You mentioned disregarding them. Setting them in place again or setting up new ones might help you to feel less overloaded.

We get the not setting things down enough. Don't have great advice because we're exhausted a lot of the time too. We're trying to put more energy towards things which feel good to see if that helps. It's difficult some days when we don't have much energy to spare in the first place.

The someone new might be there to help you to set things down, to pick them up when you need to set them down?
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Re: host burnout

Postby IainEtc » Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:11 am

Hi,

Sorry you're hurting so much. Burnout is for real. Host has done it before mostly when he was doing too much outside and inside at the same time. It was kind of like he was trying to do really great outside (mostly at work) and stay too much in control inside. It was just too much for him. Birdsong is right - cooperation helps a lot.

Hope it gets better soon.

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, Host - the adult out front

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Re: host burnout

Postby fireheart » Tue Jan 08, 2019 9:05 pm

Thank you all so much. It's super reassuring and helpful to read your replies.

I'm feeling a little better because we're back into the routine (as opposed to having the Holidays + NYE, etc.) We're not as alone anymore (literally, as our roommates and friends are back in town). It's like there is this intricate, delicate balance that keeps us intact - and when it's lost, all falls apart.

Cooperation is a solid suggestion. The only part I seem to be able to reach is the "new" part... she told me her name. I panicked when I heard. I don't want a new part... it's been ages since there's been someone new. This whole ordeal also triggers many feelings of "am I misinterpreting/making this up???" (Nothing truly bad happened so why would there be a new part?)

The short-term goals:
- plan/do things that energize you (step one: remember what you once found energizing?)
- focus on the basics: sleep, food, hygiene, exercize, sunlight
- try to get in touch with the other parts. (I'm not sure who would be able to help me though? Well, at least we could discuss...)

And then I should probably try to find some stabilizing exercises that could help.

Do you have any tips for getting in touch with the others? I thought about getting out some play dough and make shapes for the others and then talk/think. I think usually that helps, but I just can't get myself to do it.

Your support really means a lot. It makes the difference between struggling alone and feeling heard.
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Re: host burnout

Postby BeccaBee » Tue Jan 08, 2019 11:40 pm

fireheart wrote:Thank you all so much. It's super reassuring and helpful to read your replies.

Your support really means a lot. It makes the difference between struggling alone and feeling heard.


yes. so much.

this is really interesting to me. that dissociation uses energy so when you do it a lot you feel exhausted.

like...... that's a big ######6 deal. I didn't realize that. I really struggle with exhaustion but this helps me understand how I get worse when everything is over. cuz I'm just toasted by then.

serious food for thought.

hang in there fireheart. self care for the win.
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Dx: DID, C-PTSD, Panic Disorder


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Re: host burnout

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:58 am

fireheart wrote:Do you have any tips for getting in touch with the others? I thought about getting out some play dough and make shapes for the others and then talk/think. I think usually that helps, but I just can't get myself to do it.

Your support really means a lot. It makes the difference between struggling alone and feeling heard.


Not sure if I have tips, but I struggle with avoidance a lot, so this is familiar. I can put off writing in the journal for days (which is something that really helps us communicate), and then when I finally do it, things get so much better for a period of time. It's just that the actual process of writing, when there is something difficult coming up, is almost painful--kind of like getting out a big splinter.

Maybe having a scheduled time each day (or every couple of days) would be helpful, so it becomes part of your routine. I don't know. I'm traveling this week, so that's my excuse for not having picked up the journal even once since we left.
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