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*TW* Reforming alters

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*TW* Reforming alters

Postby raptureblues » Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:21 pm

one of us is trying to change and play a different "role" in the system but i'm finding it hard to be okay with it. charles wants to reform and be different to before but it's hard not to remember all the $#%^ he did.

*trigger warning - abuse*

charles acted as a jailor and abusive parent for a really long time. he saw it as "necessary" to keep us "in line" and stop the outside parents from hurting us more. if we followed his rules and were hidden away at the right times, we'd be "hurt less" by the outside parents. that was his logic anyway.

*end warning*

charles is trying to change and be different now. he cleans and cooks us meals most days now and he's trying to be more of a protector. and i don't wanna stop him doing that, it'd be real helpful if he helped us all out and stopped acting like such a dick. and i know he's just as ###$ up as the rest of us by everything we went through. but it's hard when i still remember the $#%^ he did to us in the past. i don't know how to see him for who he is now instead of the guy who kept me locked up for years and ###$ me up for years all because it was "necessary".

we're all trying to work together now and i don't wanna make that harder by being difficult and having fights with charles over the past all the time. we're gonna need to talk it out or work through it at some point but there's so much $#%^ to sort out first. we gotta keep the body in good shape and do all the outside stuff, but we're all traumatised messes and it's hard not to step on each other's toes with it.

i dunno if anyone's got any advice or anything but i needed to get this $#%^ out of my head.

- jones
alice (23, she/her), jones (23, he/him), lain (9-14, they/them), charles (late 20s/early 30s, he/him), bubbles (<9, she/her), werne (???, he/him)

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Re: *TW* Reforming alters

Postby fireheart » Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:38 pm

I don't really have good advice, but I definitely hear you.

Maybe for now you can draw about your past experiences and then put it away somewhere for another time? Express the feelings for yourself?
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Re: *TW* Reforming alters

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:47 pm

My T has said that a protector’s way of doing things was the BEST way available at the time to protect the system. When the abuse stopped, and things were better on the outside, they just kept doing their job the way they knew how—the way that had worked for all of you. They need to be shown that things are different in order to change.

So it’s great that he’s taking on a new job. That must mean that he sees that the old job truly isn’t needed anymore. You have your feelings about what you all went through, but it doesn’t sound like charles meant it personally—it was necessary as far as he knew. Being a protector is a hard job. I hope you guys can work it out.
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Re: *TW* Reforming alters

Postby SOHank » Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:00 am

It's tough to accept and trust and overcoming hurt takes time. I know it was tough to trust Alana when she decided therapy might be the better option.

The good news is Charles wanting to be different is a big step in itself and it sounds like he really has changed! :D

Have you tried talking to him? I know AJ felt real bad for keeping Lou locked up so many years when she found out decades later it wasn't really necessary. But they have made amends and are now super tight. :wink:
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Re: *TW* Reforming alters

Postby KawaiiKitty » Tue Jan 08, 2019 2:52 am

That sounds difficult Jones. You can't really stop him from changing and trying. It doesn't remove the things he did. You can keep your distance and be untrusting, I would recommend that. You can't stop him though. At least he's making progress.

Sincerely Courtney
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Re: *TW* Reforming alters

Postby SeveralCrows » Tue Jan 08, 2019 4:07 am

Your feelings are valid. Your needs are reasonable.

Part of being a functional system is letting everyone have their feelings and needs. Whether or not the needs can be met, they are still okay to have.

Just because he is changing doesn't mean you have to trust him immediately. When people say they're going to change and even when you've seen proof that they are doing things differently, you get to take as much time to believe the change as you want. You're not obligated to immediately believe them or ever believe them. Given that Charles is a member of your system, it would likely be helpful to eventually trust him, if he shows himself to be trustworthy, but only when you are ready.

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Re: *TW* Reforming alters

Postby IainEtc » Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:21 am

I used to be a lot like charles. I was always yelling at the others and forcing them to do it right. Then our T helped me be a different kind of Protector. I learned how to be a leader. But the others were still scared of me. Some were p*ssed off. It took time to hear them. I wanted to but I couldn't. It was all I could do to hang on to what I was doing. Charles will get there. Then he can hear you.

Good luck,

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Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, Host - the adult out front

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Re: *TW* Reforming alters

Postby raptureblues » Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:31 pm

thanks, that really helps. guess i'll just try and get used to it and talk it out with the therapist or him or someone later or something.

- jones
alice (23, she/her), jones (23, he/him), lain (9-14, they/them), charles (late 20s/early 30s, he/him), bubbles (<9, she/her), werne (???, he/him)

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Re: *TW* Reforming alters

Postby Skaya » Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:28 pm

I've been that kind of role too, kind of. I would be the punisher, the one who took everything on in a negative way and manifested it negatively. I've changed hugely, but I know others in the system still don't trust me (cue Vivian, and even Em from time to time). It takes time, but give if you give him the space, he'll hopefully start to make good on his assurances that he'll change. Jen.

Em (25, f, host), Jen (19, f) Echo (4), Angel (9), Vivian (36, f), Jacob (13,m). SO Lex (f) may be mentioned.
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Re: *TW* Reforming alters

Postby MakersDozn » Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:04 pm

We often have doubts that Rachel will grow/change/evolve/whatever. Sometimes it feels like she acts the way that she does out of spite. Sometimes she'll even agree that she does. Or not, depending on which way the wind is blowing.

People here and in other parts of the multiple community say this is how those like Rachel protect the system. Rachel says it's all about protecting herself. We're tired of the battle.

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