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pretty sure i have DID

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pretty sure i have DID

Postby Ragaire » Mon Jan 07, 2019 7:43 am

hi. i've been fairly certain i have did since 2013 or so. on and off, i will occasionally "forget" about this; i'll ignore all my symptoms and go on trying to live a singular life. i guess i suppress it or something, or maybe something just takes the memories away for a time. but then i remember all the hints again and it all comes back to me.

i experienced physical/verbal/emotional abuse as a child and have diagnosed ptsd. when i was young i had a hyperactive imagination (still do) and was prone to day dreaming and making imaginary friends. i remember i would be so scared sometimes that i would forget who i was and where i was. sometimes i would make imaginary friends because i was scared, so extremely scared, of.... i don't know what. or who. i try to say what it was, and my memory looks like static. but i know i was scared of something, every night, in my house, and that every night i would try to make something protect me. i was too docile and scared and fragile so i made up beasts in my mind who could sit at the foot of my bed and stay vigil while i slept. that was the only way i could ever go to sleep. that, and have the tv blasting at all times. i always wanted a guardian because of how helpless i felt

suddenly, at some point in late elementary school, i changed. well, it wasn't "me" that changed. i stayed the same, as docile and cowardly as ever. but there were these times where it was like a switch would flip (i have always described it this way), and i would get shoved out of my body by a different presence. suddenly, "my body" would scream and launch itself into physical fights at any perceived threat, and i would watch. it was like playing a first person video game, and then suddenly be thrown into a cut scene. the screen looked the same. i could still see everything i normally see, from the same perspective (wasnt outside my body or anything), but it was like watching a cut scene instead of playing as the character. i had no control. this happened a lot growing up. i'd be sweet and shy and unassuming, playing with my friends or sitting quietly at recess, and then i'd hear footsteps behind me and the switch would flip. i'd turn around and pin the person to the ground, and scream at them not to touch me, even though they never intended to. once "i" pinned someone to the ground and growled at them to stay away from me just because they wanted a book i had. at my house once, i distinctly remember my friend jokingly shoving me, and me whipping around and throwing him to the floor and holding him there by his wrists. when he asked me to stop by using my name, "i" growled at him and said "that's not my name! stop calling me that!". the real me just watched this happen, and didn't understand what i was seeing.

this persisted into adolescence too. although for the most part i was able to blend into society a little bit better with age and the shifts got either less frequent or less obvious, there were exceptions to this. once i was walking in the woods and my very close friend was behind me. i knew that he was there, of course; we'd been walking together for a while. but out of nowhere-- i still cannot explain what triggered this-- something shifted. i picked up a tree branch, and went absolutely ballistic. i just started hitting him with the branch, over and over, and i dont know why, and i couldnt stop it. it was just happening. my body was full of this horrific rage and fear and desire to make him go away, but it wasn't "my" desire. it felt like the desire of something else that took possession of me that i couldnt control. i didn't stop until i was placed in a head lock

there were a lot of other flare ups like this in my adolescence. after all, being a teenager in high school meant that for the first time i was exploring new places and doing new things alone with brand new people. it meant that i was traveling alone very late at night, and talking to boys (i am a girl) that now often had much different motives than the ones i knew in elementary in middle school. although i don't remember any of those things as being stressful, i do remember having odd reactions to them, even though my personal mind didn't react in a way that matched. for example, i remember that when walking home alone in the dark, i would very often put up my hood and have this sense of being very big, and very tough. it would be like i was overflowing with this strength and violent energy, like i was daring anyone to touch me because if they made the mistake of picking me as a target, i would rip them apart. it was like every part of me was bristling, and full of adrenaline. and often, it'd get this vague sense that something was being protected. but i, as a person, don't identify with that behavior. when it was actually me walking home, i would enjoy the night breeze and the sky and the ambiance. but when this alternate manifestation of myself, bristling and furious and on the edge of attacking anyone who looked at me, was around, i don't feel like that was ever... me. it felt like i was watching someone else take the wheel while i hung out in the back seat and took a nap. oh yeah, sometimes i wouldnt remember these walks home at all. when i did, it was like remembering them through a film, or from behind a glass. also, as i began to talk to all these new people outside of school and spend time with them, especially boys, i'd often be very excited and happy to meet a new person. but there would also be this rivaling, furious part of my mind that was disgusted at these people, and wanted me to never speak to them again. sometimes this would manifest as an actual conversation in my mind. for example, me being like "wow i cant wait to hang out with this person!" followed by "what?! do NOT spend time with this person! i f**cking hate this person. heres all the reasons why". and these reasons would never be things i actually cared about, or disliked, but apparently some other part of me was vehement in how much they hated these traits. it'd usually end in something like "fine, do it if you insist, but if he so much as look at you wrong, he'll end the night in a grave"

i think this has happened a lot in my life. sometimes i remember it and sometimes i dont. as a person, i have been noted to be extremely calm, sweet, non-violent and empathetic. i cannot even kill bugs, and am much more likely to feel sad than to feel angry over something. when i am angry, i use that anger to be passionate in my communication. i will express my anger with words, and verbal arguments to support my point. but when "i" get into these states, the anger is very different. it is very raw, and primal, and completely unregulated, and physical. i have often equated it to the feeling of being pushed out of the way of a moving car. these incidents feel like someone noble pushed me out of the way of a threat, and onto the ground, and i'm watching from the ground, looking up at him while he takes over and fends off all the threats. even when there are no threats. and especially when there actually is a threat. sometimes, like now, i can remember moments, just barely, through a fuzzy lens, where someone at home would attack me, and that flip would switch, and i'd go ape sh*t and throw stuff at them until they backed off. but that... wasn't me? it just wasn't. half the time i can't even remember those events, and when i can... i don't know what i'm seeing.

with all this in mind, i have always been very attracted to stories about people being protected. like princesses with knights, or children being protected by spirits. those stories have always felt very true to me. as if i can relate to them. as if i've lived them. even though my entire life no one has ever protected me from anything. i even feel this way about my memories sometimes. sometimes i can't remember what happened to me as a child at all. even at my best of times, a lot of memories are obscured or missing, and i can feel their void in my mind. sometimes all i can say is that "something bad" happened to me. other times i can be a lot more specific, but it feels like i'm "borrowing" or "stealing" those memories from another place, against someone's wishes

i don't remember how this happened at all, but eventually i communicated with this presence in my mind. i started becoming aware that there was something or someone in my head who isn't me, but who is "me". a second "me" to communicate with, and that i've been sharing a life with for a long time. i always had a picture of a big black wolf in my mind when i thought about him. i don't think he always had a name, but at some point, i gave him the name "lyall", because it means "guardian wolf" and has the same amount of letters as my name. i know this sounds really crazy and i dont know when it happened or why. i honestly feel really ashamed about this, and have never told anyone about it/him because it makes me feel crazy. but i have always had lyall, and he's had a name since i was like 16 or so (i am now 21).

sometimes i am in better communication with him than other times. sometimes he will be gone for a long period of time. sometimes, as i get more stressed or as i get closer to triggers (ex: holidays), he will be around a lot more. "i" will sometimes become very irritable and unstable. "i" will start having these invasive feelings that everyone i know is unworthy of knowing me and that i shouldn't trust them. "i" will become overwhelmed by the sensation that i need to push everyone who knows me away, because they will only ever exist to hurt me, and be very hateful and snappy to anyone who approaches me at that time because "i" believe that they are unworthy of me, and that they have only ever wronged me. but i don't actually identify with those feelings at all. i have a pretty low self worth, so i would never believe something like "i'm too good for these people". but thats the exact kind of thought process i'll fall into sometimes, or that will sneak into my head with this burning rage from some corner of my mind separate from me. this has lead to very unstable relationships with the people i love the most, much to my dismay.

sometimes i will forget about lyall. well, i never *actually* forget, i just force myself to stop thinking about it and take care of a lot of things by myself, because i hate the idea that i might have did... i already have a lot of things going on with me that isolate me from everyone else i know, and make me feel very detached from "normal life". the idea of telling anyone i know in real life about this suspicion of mine is horrifying and paralyzing. i am so scared about letting this secret out of me, that sometimes i try to blast through my life so that i never have to think about it. but it always comes back to me.

it usually comes back to me because at some point or another i am forced to become aware of this feeling i have deep inside me. this feeling that some part of me in my mind is rotting. although i have a normal life with normal friends and normal jobs, i have this sense that theres someone in me who is being racked with pain and suffering and grief and anger and horrific memories. it's like theres this tornado deep in my mind. except its not me. it feels like someone else is in here and he's constantly screaming, or being thrown against walls, or covered in blood, and i'm just doing my own thing while that happens over and over. i will very often forget about my ptsd even though i always have fairly consistent physical symptoms of it. it forget because i cant always remember what happened, or the pain, or what it means to me now. but then there are other times where i can feel the tornado much closer to me, or in front of me, taking control of me while i watch, angry and screaming and punching holes in doors and walls, and i don't think that's me. but of course, it affects me too, and makes me shut down and have to re-evaluate myself and my life all over again

i know this could be a lot of things. it could just be my ptsd or my hyperactive imagination or bpd or something. but the reason that i think it is DID, is because i do not want it to be DID. ptsd? bpd? i could EASILY live with either of those two things (and do, in the case of ptsd). if anything, they make me feel MORE human, because they give me reasons for the way i feel, and are much easier for other people in my life to understand. right? the one thing i DONT want to have is DID. yet that's the thing my mind always comes back to. why would my mind continuously revisit this if i hate it so much? if i don't want this to be the truth? why can't i just live comfortably in the idea that i have ptsd and a silly mind and that's why all this stuff happens? i can't, because it never feels like the answer. i know that there are walls in my head, i can feel them, sometimes more and more every single day, and i try to break them but something always holds me back. all the time, i feel memories and emotions that are not my own, i see myself move and speak in ways i can't understand, and i can't take the fake answers i make up for myself anymore. it's just not enough anymore. i'm tired of running away from the only thing that has ever made any sense to me and i don't know what to do anymore

i'm sure a lot of you will say that i don't have DID and god do i hope you're right. but trust me, there's nothing you can say to me i havent already said to myself in an attempt to make this all end. what would be more helpful is how to handle all these walls and all these blanks in my memories and all this horrible fears i have so that i can have some hope of exploring this possibility and understanding myself and what happened to me and what being my life has been shared with this whole time. i know today i'm determined to follow through on this and explore it all, but i'm worried that tomorrow or the day after it will be too scary for me and i'll try to suppress it or have my memories wiped all over again. i just want to try and figure this stuff out, and communicate with myself and whatever else might be inside me, and stop having my life be so unstable and weird and disconnected from myself and my desires and my intentions. please help me

ps: i'm on a wait list for therapy/meds
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Re: pretty sure i have DID

Postby sleepingwolf » Mon Jan 07, 2019 8:49 am

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and are going through a tough time too.

I don't know what to say on if you have DID or not, but I know there are some guys on the forum that are pretty amazing at knowing all about it.

My advice would be to try and relax and continue your journey. Things are only labels, which help you to live better. As you ease and relax things can unwind and uncurl for you, and you'll have more clarity.

DID or no DID, its all fine and you can live well :D

Wishing you the best!

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Re: pretty sure i have DID

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:56 am

Hi Ragaire. Welcome to the forum.

I was very moved by your story and your bravery in facing all of this. Everything you wrote is consistent with having DID (I'm just agreeing with you, not giving you a diagnosis). It really couldn't be "a lot of things," and I don't know why you thought a lot of us would say that you don't have it (or maybe that was just a hope?).

It may not be as easy for other people to understand as other conditions, but it DOES give you reasons for the way you feel. It's what happens when there's chronic trauma that starts at an early age and prevents one from forming a single identity. It's a form of protection and self-preservation that correlates with creativity and intelligence, from what I understand.

Ragaire wrote:i just want to try and figure this stuff out, and communicate with myself and whatever else might be inside me, and stop having my life be so unstable and weird and disconnected from myself and my desires and my intentions. please help me

ps: i'm on a wait list for therapy/meds

That's a great goal--try to keep that in mind and not lose sight of it. Establishing communication and cooperation is one of the first steps.

There aren't medications to treat this, so be skeptical of anyone who wants to put you on something for it. If you have specific symptoms like insomnia, or anxiety, or depression that are themselves interfering with your daily functioning, then a med might be useful, but the only treatment for DID is therapy with someone experienced in treating it (or someone willing to do a lot of reading and consulting, and ideally get the specialized training that it takes).

It helped me a lot to spend time reading on this forum as I started to face this. There is a lot of collective wisdom on here, and a lot of support. It IS often hard to find people in your life who will understand what you're going through, but people on here really get it.
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Re: pretty sure i have DID

Postby VioletFlux » Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:25 pm

Hello Ragaire, welcome.

We agree with the Gang, this forum can be really helpful in coming to understand stuff and sharing support with folks who have / had similar issues.

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Re: pretty sure i have DID

Postby Floralie » Mon Jan 07, 2019 1:54 pm

We don't make diagnoses in here, because we are not qualified. Also there are several ways to tell the same story, with one way of telling it, it sounds like something, and with another way it sounds like something else. We in here are familiar with symptoms of DID, but most of us are not at all familiar of the symptoms of other disorders and doing differential diagnosing. All what you told, are symptoms that happens in DID. If there are other disorders or combinations of disorders which can make those same symptoms, I don't know, so I don't talk about it. But in your text there was nothing that would've sounded like "that is not like DID at all". In fact, all the symptoms you told about, were way more clear symptoms to have a possible DID, than any of my own symptoms have ever been.

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality before. I was against that diagnose, I don't feel I have it. I wanted to be diagnosed with what I actually fully relate to, with something dissociative, but finding someone to run the tests for it was a struggle. The biggest reason for not accepting the first dx was because of it didn't sound like me at all, and because it meant my personality is just wrong kind and I'm destructive person to be around. That is not true. With DD diagnoses the fault is not in me. We are traumatized, it's something done to us, and the way we reacted to it was genius. I also wanted to have a diagnose that proofs my parts to be real, not imaginary. I love them, it was very important. If it would have been imaginary, the way of healing it was probably gonna just live more outside life, spend less time with imagination and grow away of it. But as true parts of personality, they are real, and I don't have to try to shut them down, but the opposite. I knew I was not able to just stop having symptoms. So I was happy to have a DD diagnose finally in my papers. I didn't have it before, case people examining my case didn't know anything about DD and they didn't run any test even when I asked them to, and they agreed BPD is very common misdiagnose with people who actually have DD.

Eventually we did find someone to listen to us, and the tests were made. I would want to take the test again now, that I am more familiar with my symptoms I wasn't back then, and thought I didn't have them. Back then the dx was DDNOS (it's like DID but without memory loss.) Now I do know I do lose time also, but it happens only at home and for very short periods of time. Also my parts never show themselves to outsiders, which why I was lacking many of the typical symptoms, the kind you have. In our system parts used to work thru passive influence, they made their thought my thoughts, instead of taking control of the body. I believe it was them hiding from me as long as I was ready to believe they are only imaginary. The reason for them to hide is because DID is all about forgetting, not connecting, not knowing, being in denial.

Read at the threads and start your own ones, and you will see having DID is not the end of the world. If it's what you have, you have had it always. To became aware of it means you start to practice how to control it by creating co-operation between parts.

Outsiders may not get it, but you don't need to give it all away to people you don't think are gonna understand. Tell them you have a dissociation disorder (there are many), but it's pretty private, so you don't care to share it. Do it as long as you need to. If it's about people you have close to you, maybe find new friends, more open minded ones. But you know, you can not make a diagnose to go away just because you feel it's inconvenient. All the years I spent without knowing, I feel are wasted life. On the other hand you need to be ready to face the things there are to face. So take your time with accepting and finding someone to do diagnose, but take your time with the understanding it's not gonna go away if you are in denial about it, and the time goes by surprisingly fast. That time is your life.

This may be a good starting point before confronting anyone with the rights to make diagnoses. As DID is a possibility in your case at least, try to find someone to is ready to run tests for dissociation as well. They all are not.

Anyway, welcome.
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