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Part traumatized because of my believes?

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Part traumatized because of my believes?

Postby Floralie » Sun Jan 06, 2019 7:52 pm

I think I came to a realization with some of the deepest issues of Fourteens. I think they are straightly caused by my own believes. (I am using the word me in here about all of us who identify with name and body, or have done so before (former versions of mes).)

I know I have some deep believes, feelings about things, that I know are not true in all and every case, not at all. I understand it very clearly, they are not based on full reality, but are inner believes about other people and outside world and caused by trauma. I know they are something to be fixed at some point, but I don't feel they are affecting me too much, because I do KNOW they are not true. They still are so deep, they are the reason why I have not had any relationships really ever. So, they are big things. I think the reason why they don't seem so big to me, is because they are not conscious. In my conscious mind I do know they are not true. And they are not things I would be actively thinking, so they are not bothering me, because they are not related to my everyday life. However without them my everyday life would probably be very different. I avoid those issues, and that is why they don't seem to have any influence.

They don't seem to have influence on me, but they do have influence on Fourteen. He is carrying those believes inside him too. And the reason why that is so much of a problem to him, is because to me those believes are about other people, but to him, they are about himself. They are present to him all the time, and he struggles with them all the time, with many levels, several ways and all those believes together are a circle going round and round, and speeds itself up. In a way I am thinking bad things about Fourteen, or people like Fourteen in general. I don't really, I mean, like I said, I know it's not true, and I don't really think so, and when thinking about Fourteen as a person, I really, really don't think so about him at all. But in a way deep down I still do have that belief about men in general.

He has struggled with his thoughts, these same thoughts a lot. They are very deep in him too, and he can't really tell why, or reason why. They don't make sense, of course they don't, because they are not true. But that is still the way he sees himself. And it is because of me. It has been me who has kept those feelings so strong in him. I am the influence in his life who is poisoning him inside. He sees himself disturbed way, because of the ways I see the world. I am the one, who in a way keeps telling him, his bad feelings about himself are true. That is a constant battle inside him. He can't get help to it, because when people tell him it's not true, he feels they just didn't understand him, instead of him understanding others are telling him the truth. And I have tried to reason it too, because I too know it is not true, but I have never before seen, how I have the exact same believes very strongly very deep down in me, and that is why he can't escape his feelings. They are not only his. He has my believes convincing him, he is bad, what ever he does or doesn't do.

He is desperately trying to get help and I am the one who keeps poisoning his mind and keeping him suicidal.

How can you change a deep core feeling like that, when you already do KNOW it is not true, and it's unfair to keep feeling so? Men just don't feel safe to me.
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Re: Part traumatized because of my believes?

Postby raptureblues » Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:08 pm

i don't know if you wanted a reply or not but i can relate. alice is scared of men, outright hates them sometimes. i'm a guy and it's a lil hard sometimes cause yeah, you end up feelin like you're bad no matter what you do, right? but i guess the thing to remember is it ain't about you. at least with us, we were all hurt by the same guys. i was just as ###$ up as alice was by those people. so yeah she's scared of men, i don't blame her. i get why she feels like that, ya know? i'm not scared of guys but i sure as hell got ###$ up by them all the same, i just deal with that trauma in a different way.

i think the thing you gotta do is make sure fourteen knows this stuff ain't about him. all you can do is tell fourteen you don't feel like that about him and that he doesn't scare you, that he's safe and you trust him. if ya keep reassuring someone about something, eventually it starts clicking eventually. you said it's a deep internal thing, right? so yeah you feel it and it feels true to you even if you know it ain't true, so all you can do is reassure him that it's a feeling that doesn't apply to him. i don't know if that'd help or not so do whatever you feel is best and all that.

- jones
alice (18~23, she/her), jones (14~23, he/him), lain (9~14, they/them), charles (~30, he/him), bubbles (<9, she/her), rose (~12, she/her), werne (~12, he/him)

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Re: Part traumatized because of my believes?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:24 pm

There was recently a thread about core beliefs, called "No one cares":


They are protective, so in thinking this through, if you were traumatized or abused by a man, or men, then the protective belief would be that you caused it to happen somehow, by what you did, or the way you were--it's a way of having control over what happened, rather than to live with the knowledge that you were helpless and someone that you trusted abused or neglected you.

Perhaps Fourteen has that job, to internally represent the "badness" of men, so that it's inside and part of you, rather than being an outside and therefore uncontrollable force. I think that's where the concept of an introject comes from. There was a recent thread about introjects also--if you search on that word, you'll find it.

I don't think the trauma to Fourteen is because of what you believe--it's more the other way around: it's the trauma done to you (to your system) that caused the belief that men are unsafe and not to be trusted.

As you know, these kinds of things can't be changed by logic or what you intellectually "know" to be true. One of your goals in therapy might be to start to really believe that you didn't cause the trauma to happen--for all of you to start to believe that. Then the location of the badness changes to outside of you, not within your system. That will probably involve trauma work and grief work as well--it's not a quick process.
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