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My boyfriend has DID

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My boyfriend has DID

Postby Jdi093 » Thu Jan 03, 2019 1:11 am

I’m new to all of this and I don’t really know any terms. I thought it would help to get some advice from people who might understand what I am going through. I never tell anyone what goes on in my relationship because I know nobody will understand and they will only judge, I have nobody to talk to about any of this so I really appreciate this forum.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years and we have a 4 yo son. We very recently found out he has DID. We have suspected that he had some mental illness for a while now but we didn’t know what. The last year has been one of the hardest, he has moments where he “loses it” for a couple of days and then he’s “back.” In the days where he “loses it”, he says that he wants to break up with me and he says hurtful things to me. Then, we talk again later and he apologizes and says he doesn’t remember what he said and that he loves me and he wants to be with me. He told me to just not take it seriously when he starts saying things like that.
I have always told him that I love him and that I would stick by his side. It’s so hard being so up and down but I do love him very much and I know that he loves me.
I went out of the country to visit my family for a little over a week and I took our son with us. My bf didn’t want to go. He went out of state instead with his grandpa to visit his family.
The first couple days apart were normal, we were texting and talking on the phone normally, then he got very short and cold. I asked him if anything was wrong and he said that us being apart made him realize a few things and we would talk when we were home.
In the past, he has broken up with me after being apart for a few days. He “forgets” about me and our relationship. I know he doesn’t have control over what happens in his mind and I always try to be understanding and accepting. I don’t know if this is just the same as the past or if he really means it this time. How do I tell the difference or how do I help him to understand that I love him and I will always be by his side?
Thanks for your help!
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Re: My boyfriend has DID

Postby TeddyBear the helper » Thu Jan 03, 2019 12:21 pm

How do I tell the difference or how do I help him to understand that I love him and I will always be by his side?

If he has DID, then he isnt one person but many, that is the definition of DID.
The only thing that is different between having several boyfriends and one with DID, is that all of these people jump in and out of the same body. you still have a separate relation to each one of all those people...
Helper for a couple of DID-ers. Admin for a traumaforum for scandinavian languages , http://traumeverden.net/
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Re: My boyfriend has DID

Postby Floralie » Thu Jan 03, 2019 12:47 pm

This is the kind of question, we get here a lot. You can look back at threads that has been active before, which have similar type of headlines. There's many. All of them are bit different, people are in different situations in life, but all the general answers are the same.

Most important thing for both of you is to understand that he is a part of personality, which is not united personality, because of DID. He is not ONLY part in that personality. Basically it means he is not the one with the disorder, and the rest would be alters of his and therefor only symptoms. He is an alter too, among the rest, and they all are equal. They should be equal, and make their decisions together. It is impossible as long as they can't communicate, and learning that is their biggest job to do. Is he in therapy with someone who is experienced in DID?

You have probably been in touch with two of his parts, the one who wants to be with you, and the one who doesn't. (And maybe with many more you have not been aware of. Parts can be very good at mimicking each other.) You don't need to, and should not, to forget what the other one has told you, that he doesn't wanna be with you. You need to understand the one who is saying that, is different part of personality than the one who wants to be with you, and as a separate identity his will needs to be heard. So, it is not your boyfriend changing his mind without remembering it, but there are two pieces of the same system (system= all parts of personality together) with a difference in opinion.

You have a new person in your life now, and that is the right way to see it. You need to get to know him and respect his feelings. You can not assume him to be intimate with you, if he never even chose to be with you. Get to know him, give him space, understand that is not the one you are in relationship with. But he also needs to be ready to face the facts of his life. Your boyfriend has a child with you, and he wants to stay with you. This new guy in your life owes nothing to you, but he owes to your boyfriend, and your boyfriend owes to him. They will never be fully separate, they can't have have their own bodies and lives that are completely separate, so they need to learn how to live with each other the way it is not hugely stressful to any of them. I said any of them, because there probably are more than just two parts. It's possible to only have two, but it's very unlikely.

You can not pick and choose only one part and stay by his side. You need to stay by whole systems side. Any of them would not exist without others. What others hold in them, is the reason why others can be the way they are. If you wanna be supportive, support all of them, and understand they all are parts of the same personality, and can't exist without each other. There is no option, when others would just go away. They need to be involved to all decision making and if they integrate at some point in the future (years from now), it will mean their traits will all be in one piece, not separate like now. So him being only one does not mean he will be like your boyfriend used to.

It is a hard concept to understand they are all parts and together they make one person, and at the same time respect them as separate beings with separate feelings and opinions. It takes time to know when you need to understand what side of the story. If you wanna support them, do all you can to accept all the others and help them to communicate with each other. Accepting others does not mean you need to accept any kind of violent behavior. Parts who act out like that are many times parts that have not been heard. When they get to be part of the decision making, they are not so angry and cold anymore. As a system they are responsible of what they do, also when they can't yet control it. They learn to work together better, when they realize that's the only way they can have what they want.

For a someone who has thought all his life to be just like anyone, it is a big thing to start finding parts and communicate with them, and share your life with them all the sudden. It is harder for him than it is for you, because you can always just leave if thing get overwhelming, but he can't escape what s part of him.

He needs experienced DID therapist. You can't be that to him, and you should not either. First of all you need to be a mom. Take care of yourself also, because your child needs a stable adult to be there when ever needed, and your boyfriend may not be able to provide that. Remember to tell your child nothing is his fault. After that you worry about your BF. He is a grown up man anyway, and the biggest responsibility of getting better is on him himself. Don't forget your priorities, and your son doesn't need to end up to be traumatized too.

We can support your boyfriend and his system more than we can you, so if he is willing to come, let him know this place exists.

And just to teach proper terminology, "losing it" and "getting back" is switching. Switching means, when one part takes control of the body or mind or both, over another part who was there before that switch.
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Re: My boyfriend has DID

Postby SOHank » Thu Jan 03, 2019 1:41 pm

Does he have a T (therapist)? I would assume so with a diagnosis, yet some people self diagnose. Just helps to have everyone on the same page.

If he does have a T and that T is willing to talk to you, that would be very beneficial to understanding. We may tell you the same things as a DID T, but the perception can be like the difference between WebMD and going to a Dr that is a specialist. :wink: Knowing my wife's T had an "open door" policy for my questions has helped tremendously. I've only been in session 2 or 3 times, but have emailed her quite a few questions.

Supporting Sunflower and her system through this last year or so has been probably the hardest thing I've ever done. You will need to be strong in yourself and not take things personally. The part speaking may mean it, but they aren't necessarily the majority.
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Re: My boyfriend has DID

Postby ItsJustUs » Fri Jan 04, 2019 2:27 pm

Floralie hit the nail on the head, and as a person who's significant other has DID, Hank is always full of good advice and insight.

A few questions: has the DID been officially diagnosed yet? Or us this a self diagnosis. Nothing wrong with that, Delilah (one of my alters) figured it out before we got a real diagnosis.

I had a part who tried to sabotagevmy relationship with my then-boyfriend, now-husband. She tried to push him away, she tried to break us up with him, she tried to get him to break up with us. Fortunately she was the second alter he met, so he figured out fairly quickly that it wasnt the me he knew.

He basically met her where she was. He explained that he knew she wasn't me. And he told her he wasn't going anywhere. He accepted that she was there and had every right to be there, and he made sure she knew that he knew she wasn't dating him and he would never force that on her. This started to earn her respect, as well as curiosity, and she started to WANT to get to know him. Over time they did start dating. Delilah simply saw him as someone who could help her help us, and was glad to have someone to talk to, who took some of the weight of managing our life off of her.

Your bf and this other part need to work on inner communication. And, in my opinion, it would be good for you to let this other part know that you know he is there, and let him know that you dont expect him to date you, but that you do want to get to know him as a friend, or at the very least an acquaintance.

And of course, therapy for your BF, with a few sessions for you and for a joint session would be helpful.

I want to reiterate, that this other part is not the BF you know, but he is part of your bf. They are part of a whole, and as Floralie said you can't have one without the other. And as your bf starts to accept things, and as this other guy starts to accept things, eventually they will see they are part of a team that will function best when working together.

Maybe find out what the other guy likes and do something nice for him. For instance, one night my husband said we were going to watch a movie. Then he paused, looked at me, and asked, "What does Britney want to watch?" And that meant a lot to her. The other night he put on a movie he knew Lilly (my 5.5 year old alter) would like.

This is just one way he acknowledges the others and strives to make them feel wanted.

Hope this helps.

Kitten 39F-Core, Delilah (age unknown)F- Protector/System Manager/Care Taker, Britney 17F- Former persecutor turned protector, Lilly 5.5F, Little Wolf (young, but age unknown) "job" unknown, Val- age unknown, Female entity, we think she is a protector
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