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suppressed memories to have 'good' parent. (Trigger Warn)

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suppressed memories to have 'good' parent. (Trigger Warn)

Postby spinningtops » Wed Jan 02, 2019 10:29 pm

I thought I had this ideal beyond good parent, and then also a bad one. Now I cannot even know/remember why I thought my father was such a 'good,' and 'blameless person.'

But then memories have returned (and I was able to consider this not the case anymore),
I just found some memories about my father that highly suggest he set me up knowingly with his friend (by having his pedophile friend always around me, when my dad knew what he was and that he wanted me. His friend told him he was attracted to me and wanted me when I was at oldest 14 and soon after he was always there. ((I found this out later)). I remember also my dad would look down on me if I did not consume drugs with him and his 'friend.' (who immediately stopped befriending him and disappeared from sight when I was no longer available to him never to contact my dad again.)
when I semi confronted my father in the past about all this, he just turned it around and said it was my fault.

And even though I did 'know' this had all happened, I always blamed myself for the events, no matter what I was unable to see anything being his fault. But then something in me changed and I see it and it's terrible. And found and put together other things how my dad had after hour parties at his work with his friend and other minors, and drugs (he got shut down for over a month each time causing us almost to lose everything financially.) And I had just assumed this didn't mean anything at the time, that it's just drugs, and didn't think about the minors aspect at all. And my father had porn that I had found that was well with some very young people on it. I don't think my dad ever did anything to me, but I feel he had no moral qualms about giving me up to his friend. And my dad would flirt with my friends as well when I took them home. Which again, it didn't register any flags at the time.
I am just realizing how deeply in denial about everything I was in.

now feeling very lost feelings as these memories came back to me. I am going to end seeing my dad anymore for lunches and feeling physically sick at these revelations.
anyway wondering if this happened to anyone else where your mind made it seem like a parent was better then they were?
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Re: suppressed memories to have 'good' parent. (Trigger Warn)

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Jan 02, 2019 11:19 pm

Hi, we're very sorry to hear what happened to you. You were abused by your father for taking drugs with you as well as by his disregard for your welfare regarding the paedophile and his clearly apparent unhealthy interest in your friends and inappropriate porn.

We have an idea on your current realisation / quandary and we'll share our background so you can know where we're coming from and use that information to decipher how useful our interpretation is to your actual situation / feelings / realisation.

We were abused by our uncle, our mothers brother, once, at around age 4. He did what he did and asked if we liked it. We said no and we're telling our mum. He said he'd kill us. This is the moment we believe our split happened. We replied "I'll be dead. I won't care" He seemed to think we didn't understand his threat and repeated it. We repeated, looking him dead in the eye "I'll be dead, I won't care. You'll be living with it" Our uncle had terror in his eyes. That terror meant we had power. It was a key moment. It was perhaps a first "critical thinking" moment. We think not just one split happened at that moment but a couple because in that moment options became apparent. Firstly we realised we could suffer him, never telling our mother. Secondly we could tell our mother. Thirdly we knew murder meant police so we could tell the police. Lastly he could kill us. So a variety of options were now possible. In a child's life options are not possible usually, you just have to do as your told (or die).

Then our environment played a role. This is more relevant to what you just shared. We grew up in how they would describe it "a very matriarchal" family. How my father would describe it is "they hate men" So we were brought up being told men are dangerous and terrible. At the same time we got on well with our actual father. He's not a saint but he's not a paedophile or gave us drugs etc. He's a philandering, fighting, beer drinking man. We had to internalise any warm feelings we had to him. They became Patrick. At the same time in the matriarchy they admire more feminised men, we internalised that too Peter.

Our mother is narcissistic, we walked a tightrope. So the naughtier feminine aspects are in Karen and Beth or Rose is a "good girl" If we weren't "day dreamers" if we weren't dissociative, if we weren't abused even we'd probably be just like our mother and the long line behind her so in some way we are thankful for that moment even though we dissociated it completely until around age 27. To also be fair our father isn't the best, if hadnt continueally said "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" when we tantrumed because his mother died and he had regrets and then said "I'll be dead I won't care but you'll be sorry" then we also might not of had an apiphany moment when physically sexually abused.

We were not allowed though due to our environment to like our Father at all but he's not actually "that bad" He was "good enough" given his also unfortunate circumstances and his own personal shortcomings. He was not allowed affectation with either of his children and if we spent time with him it was dictated as punishment by our mother. So we had to dislike our Father to survive. We blamed him for everything until in therapy - from age 19. Our sister has no contact with anyone other than our mother, she is completely under my mother's control.

Now to relate this to you. **You in contrast were not allowed to hate your father**

That is how we saw it. Our own background indicates our bias that our view may hold. But maybe it's helpful to you so we shared it. You weren't allowed to hate your father. You had no choice but to like him. It's expected. You had no frame of reference so thought it normal to do drugs with him. You didn't realise he was allowing and causing his friend to take advantage of you. To you your father was safe. You loved him. Therefore it's a new shock to you that he was infact detrimental to you, dangerous and responsible for your abuse.

The twins.
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Beth KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
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Re: suppressed memories to have 'good' parent. (Trigger Warn)

Postby Exploring » Wed Jan 02, 2019 11:25 pm

That sounds like a lot to deal with! Understandable remembering all this would leave you feeling sick. Good for you for ending contact!

I recently talked about this in therapy. It's difficult for me to hold negative thoughts and painful memories that involve my family because it means giving up on the idea / hope of having a 'pure' / healthy relationship with my family. I often go back and forth between seeing them as positive without considering any negative memories and remembering and invariably feeling as if the good moment are lost. Holding both at the same time will be a challenge. Allowing myself / daring to consider hurtful memories opens the door to questioning even more memories and those relationships as a whole. There are several things that I didn't realise weren't okay at all that I had forgotten about or just thought of as 'normal' when they weren't.
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Re: suppressed memories to have 'good' parent. (Trigger Warn)

Postby spinningtops » Thu Jan 03, 2019 3:12 am

Thank you for both of your answers.
Sarandipity: wow that is terrible to think of the extreme strength you had to have at such a young age to say that. It is interesting you were not allowed to like your father. I have seen that before and yes it is a very strange place. But what you said did sound right on some level. My dad was all I felt I had when I was growing up and I trusted him fully, and so it was inconceivable to me that he would not be behaving in my best interest.

Exploring: yes exactly, it felt like we were a family before, even if a weird one. but now it makes me wonder.

Thanks for your answers. I read them earlier but it moved me in such an emotional place that it took me a while to reply back.
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