Our partner

Who did I date?

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Violarules

Who did I date?

Postby Mumatthebeach » Sun Dec 30, 2018 9:22 am

Hi everyone,

I posted awhile back - I’m the mum with cPTSD who dated a man diagnosed with DID and cPTSD. I’m wondering who I dated. I met a lot of different personalities most of whom felt like ghosts - they had all these issues and were stuck in a particular time and place. I ended it because I was being cheated on - kinda lol. There was one personality who got up one night and didn’t know me. Is it possible this was the guy and I just dated a host personality? The host seemed to know the others but seemed to have his own issues. This is really personal - who did I have sex with? Some of the personalities didn’t have childhoods- so they weren’t the main person? Is it possible that the host personality has convinced the real guy that he’s not real? My ex won’t give me any answers because he’s struggling with all the personalities turning on me this week. Apart from the host most of the other personalities were pretty horrible. Is this normal? There was one really sweet and kind guy but he’s the one that was asleep the whole 4 mths and doesn’t know me. This makes me feel like I was lied to at the least and at the worst that I made someone be my boyfriend against his will. This makes me really sick in the stomach. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Mumatthebeach
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 151
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Who did I date?

Postby fireheart » Sun Dec 30, 2018 9:32 am

There is no "main person" in a DID system. All of the parts together make up the person.


All parts are equally real. It's hard for singlets to understand, but it's not like you start out as one person and then alters just get added on during childhood. The Theory of Structural Dissociation argues that young children don't have an integrated sense of self yet. Trauma and unsafe attachment can prevent the integration of self, and instead parts are able to develop separately. They are formed by the needs of the person as a whole as well as their experiences, and what is needed in the kind of environment they live in. Then later parts can continue to develop when things happen that exceed the system's ability to cope.

So, even if a part doesn't have memories of childhood, they are still real, and they could be the one you dated. However, it sounds like you at least met several alters. So it's also possible that you dated several.
fireheart
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 530
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:37 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 4:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Who did I date?

Postby Mumatthebeach » Sun Dec 30, 2018 9:39 am

Fireheart, thanks for your quick reply. If I contact this person in 6 mths, will he know who I am? I just don’t understand. They all turned on me and are fighting. I feel really ripped apart by the experience. If I make contact in the future, does this mean the guy will remember me? I’m friends with his family. Different parts text me and say they love me. With my cPTSD, I just can’t cope with the love and the hate. Is this always like this? Why doesn’t he have like a few nice alters? What’s with the love and hate? I think they were jealous of each other and of me. It was just an insane amount of emotion and I just don’t understand.
Mumatthebeach
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 151
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Who did I date?

Postby fireheart » Sun Dec 30, 2018 9:49 am

I can imagine your distress. When you see one person and they behave very differently at times, it's like you never know what you can expect or what is expected of you.

So... this is hard to understand, but everything all those parts tell you is probably true at the same time. Normally, you have one sense of self and while you may have conflicted feelings, they tend to be less extreme. E.g.: "I like this person as a whole, but I don't like THIS about them."
In DID, it can be like: Alter 1: "I love this person!"
Alter 2: "I hate this person!"
Alter 3: "I want them to be my mum!"
Alter 4: "I want them to stay away from me because affection is dangerous!"
Etc...

It's a hallmark of unsafe attachment, disorganized attachment in particular. In young kids it looks like hugging a parent while leaning/looking away at the same time.

If you contact him in 6 months, maybe the part that's there at the moment won't know who you are. But the parts you met before, they will know who you are.

I think you need to focus on yourself. What do you need? What do you want? It sounds like interacting with this person isn't healthy for you, and I'm glad to hear he is your ex.
fireheart
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 530
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:37 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 4:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Who did I date?

Postby Mumatthebeach » Sun Dec 30, 2018 10:13 am

Hi Fureheart, got it. Thanks - I’ll need to reread this. My first boyfriend got sick with schizophrenia and it feels just like that - ten years later he contacted me and still told me he hated and loved me lol. I just can’t cope with this stuff. Thanks for the advice!
Mumatthebeach
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 151
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Who did I date?

Postby fireheart » Sun Dec 30, 2018 10:29 am

Good luck! I hope what I wrote helped you somehow. Feel free to come back and ask more if needed.
fireheart
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 530
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:37 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 4:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Who did I date?

Postby Mumatthebeach » Sun Dec 30, 2018 10:47 am

Hi Fureheart, got it. Thanks - I’ll need to reread this. My first boyfriend got sick with schizophrenia and it feels just like that - ten years later he contacted me and still told me he hated and loved me lol. I just can’t cope with this stuff. Thanks for the advice!

-- Sun Dec 30, 2018 10:51 am --

Hi Fireheart, Can people with DID have good relationships? Can he find a better partner or will this be how it goes with all partners? My first boyfriend never could get another relationship going. Thanks for your input!
Mumatthebeach
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 151
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Who did I date?

Postby fireheart » Sun Dec 30, 2018 11:08 am

Mumatthebeach wrote:Hi Fireheart, Can people with DID have good relationships? Can he find a better partner or will this be how it goes with all partners? My first boyfriend never could get another relationship going. Thanks for your input!


Hi.
Can people with DID have good relationships?
Yes, they can. It really depends on the system and where they are in their healing.

However, I can't speak for your ex. It sounds like he would need professional help first. If he doesn't change/heal, it sounds like he wouldn't be able to have and keep a healthy relationship.
fireheart
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 530
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:37 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 4:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Who did I date?

Postby IainEtc » Sun Dec 30, 2018 2:43 pm

Hi,

DID systems can have good relationships. The complicated thing is DID systems don't have one relationship. We have several with the same person at the same time (my relationship with them, Host's relationship, Colin's, etc.). That's what makes it hard. The more coordinated the DID system is the more they can figure out how to get the relationships to all go in the same direction.

Your ex sounds like his system is too disorganized for relationships right now. You probably had some good relationships and some not so good at the same time and your ex's system couldn't figure it out. If they can't figure it out there's not a lot you can do to fix it.

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
User avatar
IainEtc
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3565
Joined: Thu Mar 20, 2014 6:34 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 10:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Who did I date?

Postby Una+ » Sun Dec 30, 2018 2:59 pm

Mumatthebeach, what an interesting update!

First, a comment about your first boyfriend. DID does not feel (or look) just like schizophrenia, but it is not uncommon for DID to be misdiagnosed as schizophrenia because both conditions typically involve hearing voices, seeing things, and certain other so-called Schneiderian first rank symptoms (DID Forum has threads about that here). The behavior you describe suggests your first boyfriend also has DID.

Some people with DID can have great relationships but often our subjective experience of the relationship is not great; we tend to be highly conflicted inside, exactly like your new ex seems to be about you. With him right now the conflict is not just inside. You are hearing all about it because he is florid. Florid just means the DID is very apparent to others.

Is the problem you? No. Will he give his next girlfriend what you wanted from him? Unlikely. With a new girlfriend he might for a while present just one alter, so he might appear normal. Did he seem more or less normal to you at first? He might seem normal for a while but to sustain a long term, healthy relationship he will need psychotherapy to achieve better integration. Note I say integration not fusion; right now his parts are engaging in warfare with each other, which hurts him and the others like you who are trying to be close to him. His parts need help accepting the reality of their situation, which subjectively is that they are living with other parts in the same body.

DID can be very attractive, even extremely attractive. We seem to have no trouble finding mates, even plural mates, if we want them. We also tend to lose our mates if/when we experience internal regime change (by whatever means, including coup d'état, revolution, election, etc.). A person with DID typically shows you their part or parts who best match you, and while that regime lasts you may feel the person is perfect for you. But the person is all the parts, those you like (and who like you), and those you don't.

Will he remember you in 6 months? Maybe. It depends which parts are active then. Parts who know you now probably will still remember you, unless he has problems with dissociative amnesia. Parts who don't know you now still won't know you in 6 months. They might say "Oh, right, someone told me about you" and you may get the impression that what they heard was not flattering to you.

It is complicated, to say the least!
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

Is your dx DID (or MPD/DDNOS/OSDD)? Join the 2017 survey: Time to diagnosis?
Una+
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 6951
Joined: Sun Apr 10, 2011 3:17 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: exul, SeveralCrows, WeAreOne420, Zor and 41 guests