Our partner

Unbalanced

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Violarules

Unbalanced

Postby fireheart » Sat Dec 29, 2018 6:23 pm

I feel like I am a paradox.

At times I can function "perfectly".

However, most of the time I can only function in one area of my life at the same time. Either I can do self-care, or I can do my job well, or I can have healthy, fulfilling relationships - but I can only pick one.

What it looks like right now: doing an excellent job at work, but not being able to eat/sleep. No one would ever suspect.
fireheart
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 519
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:37 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 11:04 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Unbalanced

Postby VioletFlux » Sat Dec 29, 2018 6:34 pm

fireheart wrote:However, most of the time I can only function in one area of my life at the same time. Either I can do self-care, or I can do my job well, or I can have healthy, fulfilling relationships - but I can only pick one.

This feels very much like our life. Not just right now, but for as far back as I can recall. (which isn't long I admit.)

Previous host focused on just work for a couple years. Then we focused almost exclusively on physical health for 2 years, and work started to slip. Now the past year has been all about mental health, and the physical stuff and work are both slipping.

V2
Current Hosts: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Insiders: Charlie (6m); Claire (0f); Ewan (4m); Janet (4f); L---- (∞f); Melissa (7f);
Mike (35m); Rebecca (∞f); S2 (32f); V1 (22f);
Body: 49f; Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar. - Journey Thread - Our System
User avatar
VioletFlux
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1730
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 5:04 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Unbalanced

Postby Una+ » Sat Dec 29, 2018 6:34 pm

Are you manic?
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

Is your dx DID (or MPD/DDNOS/OSDD)? Join the 2017 survey: Time to diagnosis?
Una+
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 6949
Joined: Sun Apr 10, 2011 3:17 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:04 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Unbalanced

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 6:37 pm

I have to eat and sleep or everything else falls apart. I have to do self care.

I've always been in terrible romantic relationships. Good at other relationships on the whole but terrible at romantic relationships.

I've always picked bad partners.

What is it that only makes it possible for you to like one aspect of life "perfectly"?

Ummm perfectly, maybe that's the problem. I gave up perfectly. If I'm doing something "good enough" then I'm good with it.

I'm eating something - good enough. I don't get hung up on how healthy it is, that was a problem for me in the past.

I've slept some - good enough. If its less than 6 hours I worry but 6+ is good enough.

I have a job - good enough. Doesn't matter what it is.

I did some self care - showered and washed my hair with super market products, oh the horror - good enough. I didn't soak in Epsom salts, exfoliate with olive oil and dead Sea salts and moisturise with organic geranium oil but it's good enough.

Perfect is over rated. Good enough is where it's at.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 438
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:04 am
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Unbalanced

Postby fireheart » Sat Dec 29, 2018 6:44 pm

VioletFlux wrote:This feels very much like our life. Not just right now, but for as far back as I can recall. (which isn't long I admit.)

Previous host focused on just work for a couple years. Then we focused almost exclusively on physical health for 2 years, and work started to slip. Now the past year has been all about mental health, and the physical stuff and work are both slipping.

V2


Yes, exactly like that! Sorry to hear you relate.

Una+ wrote:Are you manic?

I don't think so. Once I get home, I feel unable to do anything.

Sarandipity wrote:I have to eat and sleep or everything else falls apart. I have to do self care.

I've always been in terrible romantic relationships. Good at other relationships on the whole but terrible at romantic relationships.

I've always picked bad partners.

What is it that only makes it possible for you to like one aspect of life "perfectly"?

Ummm perfectly, maybe that's the problem. I gave up perfectly. If I'm doing something "good enough" then I'm good with it.

I'm eating something - good enough. I don't get hung up on how healthy it is, that was a problem for me in the past.

I've slept some - good enough. If its less than 6 hours I worry but 6+ is good enough.

I have a job - good enough. Doesn't matter what it is.

I did some self care - showered and washed my hair with super market products, oh the horror - good enough. I didn't soak in Epsom salts, exfoliate with olive oil and dead Sea salts and moisturise with organic geranium oil but it's good enough.

Perfect is over rated. Good enough is where it's at.


Yeah, maybe it is just too tiring to do it perfectly.

I agree that good enough is where it's at.

It's how I've always done things. Excel in school, while all hell is loose at home, etc.
I think it probably also has to do with emotion regulation - I really want to self-harm, but I don't - and as a result I notice I can't get myself to take care of myself. It's a protective paralysis, but not a healthy one.
And then there's the whole I-can-still-function-outwardly thing.
fireheart
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 519
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:37 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 11:04 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Unbalanced

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 7:20 pm

fireheart wrote:
Yeah, maybe it is just too tiring to do it perfectly.

I agree that good enough is where it's at.

It's how I've always done things. Excel in school, while all hell is loose at home, etc.
I think it probably also has to do with emotion regulation - I really want to self-harm, but I don't - and as a result I notice I can't get myself to take care of myself. It's a protective paralysis, but not a healthy one.
And then there's the whole I-can-still-function-outwardly thing.


I can relate to that. It was my psychotherapist that pointed out "good enough" and I've lived by it since. It doesn't mean easy it means being less hard on yourself. Sure it'd be great if each part that looks after each aspect of life had time to do it perfectly but they don't and good enough is good enough. It's a much kinder way to live. We give other people allowances so we decided to give ourselves some.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 438
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:04 am
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Unbalanced

Postby Floralie » Sat Dec 29, 2018 10:58 pm

I relate. When I was a kid, I tried to avoid school, I couldn't take care of that, or me.

As an adult I have always had ability to take care of my pets, no matter what.That is one ANP.

With studies and work, I aim to perfection. I don't see any point in doing them if I don't do it as well as I can. To me work and relationships are handled by same ANP, second one, and we can be her only limited amount of time, which depends on how our home-ANP is doing in general. If home ANP is coping well, we can be work&relationship ANP more, than we can when home ANP is feeling too low and struggling. We too have to make decisions, decisions how much we can be w&r-me, and w&r-ANP have to decide how much of her strength she uses to be social and how much she needs to avoid being social in order to work.

Before, when I couldn't say No to my sister or friends when they asked me to do something with them, I was away from work a lot. Now I can tell how I feel, and I try not to be social so much I can not do my job. They asked me to come over to spend weekends etc, and I did, but after that I was not able to go to work. They would not have guessed, and even people who knew, like my mom and sister didn't get it, because they can not see how we feel as whole, they can only see us as w&r-ANP, who seems to be happy and feeling well. Same thing at work, they would not guess, and it's hard for them to understand even if I am telling, because they don't see the struggle.

The third ANP takes care of me. Se used to work "well enough" for many years, until some kind of break down 5-6 years ago. After that we weren't able to take care of ourselves like we should have. It was maybe related also to the fact that I tried to work full hours, which I couldn't do. So I didn't have any energy to take care of ourselves, it was hard to work and become work-me, but once we did, she aimed to perfection.

Now I have new home-ANP who is an adult, our previous one was a teenager. We can take care of ourselves well enough again, but depending how are we feeling we either have or don't have much energy to be work-me, the one who chooses between work and relationships.

Have you thought if you too have separate parts for doing stuff, and that is why it is optional and you can only be one of them, so you need to choose who you are? That's how it works in our system. I don't feel switching, it's automatic and we all go by our official name and look like our body. WE can be recognized as separate only because of we are not able to be all at the same time, but are only one of us, and the walls between our shared responsibilities are very clear. For example at the same time when w&r-ANP was studying with excellent grades, third ANP who should take care of me got eviction because she was unable to take care of finances.

I know the reason for why we need to choose, and it's because we are separate. I don't know how to fix it tho.
User avatar
Floralie
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 433
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 12:04 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Unbalanced

Postby IainEtc » Sun Dec 30, 2018 3:07 pm

Hi,

Host used to try to do EVERYTHING himself! That was because he was trying to keep us from doing anything (can you say "Denial"?). When he got used to having some of us do things it got better. But here's the deal - now we have to coordinate. Sometimes we have all the time and energy go to just one of us. That makes one thing in our life really great but everything else falls apart. Then we change where the energy is going and something else goes really good but something else gets ignored. We've been trying to get some kind of sharing going on so we can all get our jobs done. It's still hard but we're doing better.

Maybe the reason you're doing it this way is that you're multiple or something :wink:

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
User avatar
IainEtc
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3554
Joined: Thu Mar 20, 2014 6:34 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 5:04 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Unbalanced

Postby Floralie » Sun Dec 30, 2018 6:18 pm

IainEtc wrote:
Maybe the reason you're doing it this way is that you're multiple or something :wink:

Iain


:lol:
User avatar
Floralie
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 433
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 12:04 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Unbalanced

Postby raptureblues » Tue Jan 01, 2019 1:27 pm

i struggle with this a lot. right now, i'm not able to work or study, and i'm not really taking care of myself very well, but i have a healthy and happy relationship with my partner and a good circle of friends that i see once a week for a few hours. i also put my therapist under that as well, since maintaining a "relationship" with her also feels like something i have to manage. i need to take care of myself better, and i want to finish my degree and/or work again, but i don't have the physical or mental capacity to do all of that at once.

i know most people struggle to balance those three things, but i've become literally incapable of doing more than one of those things. it feels like you have to pick just one, but then you can't just pick one, at least not for very long before something falls apart.

it's strange trying to figure out how we functioned so well before. we went to school, worked part time, did way more than our share of chores at home, took care of our baby brother, dated someone, and had friends, all at the same time as dealing with abuse at home. we juggled all of that every single day up until the past few years. i can't even remotely comprehend how we did it. i really don't remember that time of my life. i factually know what we did on the outside, but as for how we dealt with it? how we coped? how we functioned? i have no idea. all i know is since we left home, within a few months we started slipping and we've been unable to function well ever since.

i think what iain said about sharing tasks feels really important. i take on way too much and refuse to get any help from the others, and it's something i wanna work on. jones took us home from the airport the other day and i woke up the next day feeling nowhere near as mentally exhausted as i would've done if i'd been the one to take us home. having that break from the front really helped me, and it made jones feel good too (despite the physical exhaustion and social anxiety) because he got to wear his own clothes, use his own voice, and be himself. it makes me think we could function better if we split tasks between us and shared the front more.
alice (18~23, she/her), jones (14~23, he/him), lain (9~14, they/them), charles (~30, he/him), bubbles (<9, she/her), rose (~12, she/her), werne (~12, he/him)

journey thread | insiders weekly
User avatar
raptureblues
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 462
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 11:42 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:04 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Baidu [Spider], Dwelt and 47 guests