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Heartbroken

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Heartbroken

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 12:55 pm

So Rose is heartbroken and Karen won't wash or go to a nail shop until we've dealt with Rose. Sitting for days reading and watching TV and internetting is not helping her. She's just constantly sobbing. So we decided seeing as no one is around we'll let her sobbing self out to express how she's feeling. We've banned her from calling herself names because she's not stupid or over sensitive - she's sweet, caring and loving. We thought letting her type out her story and feelings might help her.

-- Sat Dec 29, 2018 1:05 pm --

I met this guy. He was sweet and seemed to care really deeply. It was romantic and magical. He didn't judge me or make me feel scared. He went sort of at my pase but when I look back at it I realise it all did happen quite quickly like a whirl wind. Like a whirl wind he was in my life. Helping me make important decisions, I don't like decisions, around all the time. He was so protective and supportive and caring.

Then he started to be nasty. He'd say cutting horrible things. He had sex with us while we were asleep. He made us change how we dress. I felt inadequate, because he didn't like my clothes, Karen liked how he wanted us to dress, he liked her clothes style but he didn't like mine. Karen never liked him she said he's a plastic gangster and a waste man but like everyone else seems went along with it because I loved him. The guys tried to make friends with him, they sort of liked him but thought he was a bit of a **** but again because I loved they went along with it. I feel so bad even though they said I shouldn't. I deserve to feel love and to be loved, I just have a terrible time spotting who is capable of actual love and I don't seem to fall for those ones. I fall for the whirl wind, romanticised idea of love. I loved him. I still sort of love him although everyone is trying to make me face that it's not love. I'll continue in a min.
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Re: Heartbroken

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 1:25 pm

He said cutting horrible things. He made me, through manipulative tactics, pay his car insurance and tax. He started to interfere with what we eat, which is a major issue because of Karen and I started to think it was bad to have this guy around. He went to Patricks work but Patrick said he just made himself look like a dick and us like an abuse victim. He doesn't care about that. If he's doing his job it's none of their business other than if he shows up they won't think anything of calling the police to get rid of him. Patrick thinks it's kind of funny because the idea of turning up at a victims work is to intimidate and embarrass the victim. Patrick says he doesn't give a f if he looses the job, he'll just get another one. A female mechanic looks good for HR reports and the workshop controllers seem excited to get a female mechanic. He can earn more money elsewhere anyway. We only stay in that job because of other reasons. I like that job. It has other aspects. It will hurt (Rose) more to loose that job than anyone else but it's unlikely because everyone there saw straight through him.

He also started to complain about housework although he barely did any. He was making me feel bad from every angle. Telling me I'm a bad mother. If I didn't have the others I'd be a complete mess now. I'd believe all his lies. It's only them laughing as he'd insult me and pointing out facts that let me keep it together this long.

But i am a complete mess, emotionally. I feel drained and beaten. I feel like I gave my love to someone thinking they loved in return only to find out where I was handed over something alive and growing they were handing over something dead and rotten.

The others say there is real love out there. There is people who love how I love. They say it might be harder with those people because of our multiplicity but they say it's worth the risk because they can't see this happens again.
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Re: Heartbroken

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 1:53 pm

I feel angry that I'm heartbroken. Angry that the others let this happen. Although they couldn't stop it. Stopping me love in its tracks has caused us serious issues before so they weighed that against me finding out on my own to the implications of them trying to stop it and decided this way was better over all. They are sorry I'm hurting. They basically proved that by Karen refusing to eat but forcing some down or do anything physically untill I was allowed to grieve. She got fed up with the hair situation after two days. It took another two days for everyone to cotton on why she just refused to even go get a pedicure. She was holding everyone ransom until I got a voice. Today is the day I feel ok to be openly upset. Safe. The twins said I never have to deal with him again regardless they will just switch in if he turns up unexpectedly. They're cold. They will calculate how to be rid of him and keep our life in tact. They proved it last night. They find his tactics funny. They cut him off and turned it round.

I feel better. I feel less frightened to love a good person. I felt frightened to love a good person because of not trusting the others. I didn't trust the guys to not push the person away. I didn't trust Karen to not be too demanding but she was great too, she dismissed his present even when she realised he's an idiot. The twins held off until they fully assessed the guy is definitely a threat and I'm not over reacting which also surprised me because they enjoy being mean to psycho people, it kind of gets them off and I was worried about them being mean to normal people for sport. But despite it all they aren't even going after him, they could easily destroy him, see him in jail but they were more concerned about the bigger picture. I'm really proud of all of them. It sounds silly.

I feel much safer in myself to meet a nice person because I trust myself more. I fell for other psycho guys a couple of times. They didn't walk away unscathed and because they enjoyed it so much, saw it as a free pass to be nasty or spend their money or beat them up, even talk the psycho into wearing a dress and humiliating him I was really worried I could never trust myself with someone nice. But by their restraint this time and by how they have shown they do care about me being happy as well as themselves I trust them more.

The last narcissist I was with they convinced to get fat and unattractive and to get an overweight Gf - completely not what he'd usually do. They all thought it was hilarious today when they found out him and his Gf are going for an eye test - because they both need one. I just want to convince him back the other way that being really over weight is unhealthy but obviously I can't say anything to him, it's a can of worms not worth opening. So you see why I was worried maybe? I could tell you about the other psychos but I don't want to.

Everyone promised long ago I could love and they wouldn't interfere unless asked. I didn't believe them. Now I believe them.

So as much as I am heartbroken and devastated I also feel a level of hope.

They said they couldn't prove what they were saying to me until they dragged me through this mire. They're sorry. They could of stopped me falling for another narcissist but if they did that I would of never felt free to love someone who isn't pathological.

I forgive them. I don't feel bad anymore. Although I guess they're kind of taking the responsibility of who I fall for away from me but we'll deal with that another time because for the moment I'm just glad I feel I can trust all of myself.
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Re: Heartbroken

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 2:41 pm

The narcissist guy was being really nasty. I got in a complete mess. Patrick tried to talk to him but the guy was getting worse. He said "f it. Wake up the twins" I said "no" Patrick said "all I got left is to beat this guy in. You can't keep taking this. It's the twins or I beat him" The guy has a hernia, basically a weak spot, potentially deadly, and I knew Patrick because of being physically a woman would go straight for the weak spot. I didn't want to risk us prison but I knew I couldn't carry on like this. As much as I tried to show love, as much as I tried to switch us to give him what he wanted in that moment I couldn't take anymore and was becoming destroyed. Patrick said he'd explain the situation to the twins, it's not life and death, we want an assessment, no revenge and let them decide if he's ok or not, if it's us or not. The twins will usually explain everything, the person is doing this because... So I agreed because I couldn't take anymore and I woke them up.

They were disorientated. The didn't understand why they were present. There was no immediate danger. No really terrible occurrence. Just Rose really in a state and Patrick absolutely fuming angry but not really doing anything. "wtf have you woken us up for this for?" was their immediate response. Patrick briefly explained, said what was wanted and that he had work tomorrow so he needed to go to sleep himself. The twins had a little discussion while I was still there about what's wrong with the world that they can't just **** people like that and Bury them where they belong and discussed anarchy and the implications of people killing decent people. Once they had resolved that between them and decided they would indeed go along with making an assessment they turned their attention to the narcissist. After that there's only Janes observations no perspective and the twins can block or manipulate Jane but only to exclude her from their personal conversations not from a picture perspective.

They looked at the guy. To the guy it would be one person but internally I guess it was two people looking at him, weighing him up. They asked him a couple of questions. He replied. They concluded they couldn't make assumption at this point but they knew one thing. They no nothing about the guy and that the body needed sleep because of Patrick going to work the next day. So they made him get on the sofa. They baracaded the door with furniture and his path from the sofa to anywhere so they'd hear if he was leaving the room or getting too close, in theory. But they're a bit mad so they weren't really frightened, it was more of a show, they couldn't care if he killed them in their sleep but they know the others like life so they did it for the others and went to sleep with the light turned on because to most people that's practically a torture tactic and it was a minimumal thing they could do to the guy with the excuse that they'd see better if the guy moved.

In the morning life resumed as normal. They casually put the furniture back with some wonderings from the others but it let everyone know the twins were awake. Which everyone needed to know because they are prone to delusions and can be somewhat crazy.

So the twins hung around in the back ground. Assessing the guy. Working out what hooks he had on everyone whilst also amusing themselves by making up stories like what if we're actually already in hell. Everyone worked at grounding them constantly. They put times in that were allowed for the delusions or imaginations that didn't interfere with life. Slowly the twins let go of the delusions. The delusions put everyone on high stress, high pressure mode so it also put the guy in that and the twins got to see how he reacted. They thought it was funny when at a drive through, really putting it on him and coincidently there was a van parked near by saying "twins communication" on the side with a satellite on the top. They'd introduced themselves on the baracading night and liked how they saw a flicker of uncomfortablenees when they pointed out the van to him. Well Mandy pointed out the van. They let Mandy front. They didn't have milkshake at the drive thru so she tantrumed and the guy drove till he got her a milkshake. They lied and told him they only cared about Mandy being happy, not the others. Firstly because their moto is never tell a psycho anything true and secondly because they wanted to see what he'd do. He pandered to Mandy. He was trying to appease them. They weren't sure why. Perhaps he thought this target of his was still a viable manipulation that he could use. He thought they were stupid. As much as that infuriated them they had to think of the big picture, they had to think of Rose being happy and having love. They were pretty sure this guy couldn't love. They weren't worried about Mandy. She's 5. He can't buy Mandy with milkshakes and teddies because all they had to say is he's not nice, take the stuff if you want but remember we can buy you all that stuff, you don't need this guy. So the hold he had over Mandy - he'd bought her giant teddy, got her loads of kids films (pirated), they'd noted from first waking - was gone in the sweep of an eye. Mandy doesn't like him or trust him after that night. He's weak. He didn't get her milkshake because he wanted to, he did it to appease the twins for some reason. Which Mandy doesn't see a reason because there's no appeasing the twins. Whatever bad stuff he's done or whatever type of horrible he is there's only one way with the twins, their way or go away. But the guy wasn't going away and the twins didn't like him so it didn't make any sense to Mandy. Anyway why should she care. She has donuts and milkshakes.
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Re: Heartbroken

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 3:23 pm

But Mandy is 5 so she explained to the guy "I dunno what you done" and sips some milkshake "but you won't change the twins mind by being nice to me" She looks up at him into his cold blue eyes with an alert but innocent expression. "once they made their mind up, that's it. So if I was you I'd just go away" She looked down and sipped her milkshake some more. Still looking down she said "I don't want you to go away though. I like you. You got me milkshake and donuts" And she turns to face him placing one of her hands on his arm.

The guy suggests going to the woods. Where he goes with Karen. Karen likes outdoor sex. She likes the excitement. Cars drive past there expecting to see couples having sex. If you leave the lights on men will join in. Karen hadn't gone that far because of the others but the guy was hoping some day it would go that far. Everyone knew the different types of people that were into that but they weren't really sure what category this guy was in. As much as that wasn't important to Karen, to Karen it was all just a thrill seek, it was important to Rose and therefore over all important to everyone. Was this guy a free love type of guy or a degrade women by any means type of guy. So it never went as far as he was pushing it for. The twins had already made up their minds. This guy was dark, he enjoys to destroy not set free but they had to carefully untangle everyone one by one without causing added distress to Rose.

Mandy on the other hand when someone suggests taking her to dark woods takes that to mean they're going to kill her and Bury her there. She was terrified. The twins left her fronting and watched as the guy drove around to different spots with Mandy freaking out at every place so that he could barely even stop the car for a minute let alone try anything. Eventually Mandy had a panic attack and the guy angrily drove her home. Mandy thought how weird he is and how wrong he was to be angry that she didn't feel comfortable parking in the dark anywhere. She told him about how she couldn't camp in the garden when she was small because Arabs would kidnap her. Everyone had tried to explain to Mandy internally that Arabs riding around on camels looking for stray children in gardens is not only ridiculous but hilarious and it made no difference because Mandy believed every fear story our mother ever told us. You will die, sink to the bottom of the pool if you swim after eating. You will die of ink poisoning if you draw on your hand. Never go in the woods, you will get killed. The "woods" behind our house didn't even cover the area of a small garden but our mother was an over anxious nervous wreck. Of course we went in the woods but Mandy would never dare. So there was an angry drive home from the narcissist, disappointed that he hadn't had his usual fumble in the woods with an extremely excited woman.

I just realised I'm writing this like a book. I feel good to go shower now and make myself feel human again. Sorry if anything I wrote seems inappropriate. Blessings.
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Re: Heartbroken

Postby fireheart » Sat Dec 29, 2018 4:16 pm

Just writing to let you know that you are not alone - I read your story.

Maybe you don't think you can have access to anything that slightly resembles love in another way?
I think losing every relationship comes with grief.
Maybe especially abusive relationships, because there is a pattern of intermittent reinforcement.

What helped me was to read a lot of articles about relationships with a narcissist. It made me see that there are patterns that are kind of standard.
But, reading that sort of stuff also comes with more grief.

We still call the narcissists in our life, even though we know it's a bad thing. It's very rewarding when they give you positive attention. Especially with DID, it's easy to forget/disregard the danger. For me, I think eventually it comes down to self-worth. If I have enough self-worth and confidence that I can have other relationships - I know not to give the narcissists chances.

With normal people, you give them a second chance, so they can do it right. With narcissists, you give them a second chance to hurt you. :?
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Re: Heartbroken

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 4:52 pm

fireheart wrote:Just writing to let you know that you are not alone - I read your story.

Maybe you don't think you can have access to anything that slightly resembles love in another way?
I think losing every relationship comes with grief.
Maybe especially abusive relationships, because there is a pattern of intermittent reinforcement.

What helped me was to read a lot of articles about relationships with a narcissist. It made me see that there are patterns that are kind of standard.
But, reading that sort of stuff also comes with more grief.

We still call the narcissists in our life, even though we know it's a bad thing. It's very rewarding when they give you positive attention. Especially with DID, it's easy to forget/disregard the danger. For me, I think eventually it comes down to self-worth. If I have enough self-worth and confidence that I can have other relationships - I know not to give the narcissists chances.

With normal people, you give them a second chance, so they can do it right. With narcissists, you give them a second chance to hurt you. :?


Thank you for responding. We had read about disorders from about age 15 in a medical book primary about ASPD.

We have read so much and researched so much we can mostly spot them avoid them. But we had the problem with Rose. She was frightened of hurting normal people. Inherently frightened that we would treat an ok person how we've treated abusive people in our lives. She was dating and dumping ok guys out of fear of hurting them. She was never going to allow an ok person into our lives. Not just out of fear of exposure of how they'd cope with us having DID but out of fear that the other parts would play with and destroy a nice person.

We have no contact with any past abusers other than our parents and that contact is kept very minimal.

Rose loves deeply when she loves. Unhealthily really. We need to work on that. First we needed her to trust us.

We are going to continue writing here. Rose is finding it helpful to read. We also thought about the book we read the other day and how we could possibly write our experiences into a book but at some point we'd obviously have to exaggerate something or have a plot and ending. For now we're going to keep writing here for the purposes of Rose getting an understanding. Also we like writing.

Thanks again for your assurances that we're not alone in this and that there's info out there. We were hopful of some kind of outward supportive words for Rose here because she needs them. She's still upset but less so for having expression and also for being able to read Janes observations.

We're finding it easy to write coherently here than when we write privately to eachother because obviously other people will read it. So interjections fron other parts with their varying opinions and judgements are cut down and it's more observational which is helpful to Rose.

Thanks again.
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Re: Heartbroken

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 5:23 pm

What the twins noted was somewhat different from Mandys conclusion. Mandy concluded bad, scary man and did he want to bury me in the woods.

The twins noted that although the guy was clearly annoyed he didn't cross lines of forcing himself onto Mandy in a dark lay-by. He did,although angrily, drive her home.

On the other side of that he was not considerate of Mandys feelings. He didn't break the law by assaulting her but he had no compassion for the emotional upset she was having. He cared his needs weren't met. He did not care that his passenger was clearly distressed. He didn't try to comfort her or calm her. He shouted at her and barretted her. Telling her she's being ridiculous and asking what her problem is. She's been in the woods before with him. Why won't she do it now. "because I'm frightened now" wasn't a satisfactory response for him. He wasn't concerned about Mandy at all. He was only angry that he couldn't get his own way.

The twins concluded that Rose must of usually switched Karen in at these moments. That this guy was used to getting his own way. He either usually just got what he wanted because Rose switched the person in before there was any upset or he showed a little annoyance and then got his own way. Rose would never have let this happen. She would not of had the stomach to see Mandy distressed like that. If the guy did get bullying she would of switched Patrick in, like the night of the twins first appearance in this guys life, or put up with him herself.

The twins added three pieces of information to their on going personal investigation of this guy. Firstly he isn't a law breaker. Secondly he has no compassion or empathy. Thirdly he obviously felt entitled to more than just a thank you for the milkshake and donuts.

They spent the car ride home comforting Mandy. Rationalising for her. Making her feel ok. But at the same time assuring and confirming for her that this guy is not ok, she's right and she should stay as hidden as possible from him in future. That whatever he says or offers her is not worth it, they will get her teddies and they'll let her do colouring. If he does give her a teddy she can take it but remember it's nothing that the twins won't buy her anyway and she should immediately hide after taking it. Mandy listens to the twins. They say what she wants to hear and she believes them. She can't get away from the guy quick enough when she gets out the car.

Her getting out the car isn't her going home to her present house. Mandy doesn't really get out of the car at all. Mandy goes to the internal world. She walks up the path of her childhood home with a teddy she never even had (because her mum threw all her teddies away) into her make believe world of how her childhood might of been.

Inside Mandys home, our childhood home, it's bright. Her cat was never taken from her and given away. She can still push her round in her pram. The house is bright, her mum is happy instead of shouting or crying on the kitchen floor. Her dad comes home happy and reads her stories. Her sister is always making mud pies because that's when her sister was happiest. There's always blackberries to pick in the fields behind the garden and Gillian is always only a couple of doors down to go and play out with. Even Gillians scary father is happy and friendly in the internal world Mandy lives in. Her outside recent trauma is a bad dream that the twins will deal with and she's not worried about the weird guy or any of that outside stuff. None of that was real to Mandy anyway.

The twins know it was real. The twins need to work out what this guy has over the others before they work out how to unpick Rose from this entanglement. They need everyone on side before he makes his exit and before they bring Rose to terms with it all. Unless everyone is on side getting rid of this guy will prove tricky. He's obviously been manipulating each alter. He's obviously aware there's alters. He tries to work the system to his own ends, that much is obvious also. The twins need everyone on side and everyone up to speed so this guys exit is as painless for everyone as possible. They need some more time and observations of the others with him before they can do anything.
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Re: Heartbroken

Postby Una+ » Sat Dec 29, 2018 6:44 pm

I am not following the part about needing to wait. Wait for what exactly? Wait for him to violate your boundaries further? Wait for still more verbal abuse?

You don't need "proof" that he isn't a safe person for you, before you end the relationship. You get to decide for yourself that you want to end it. You don't need any reason.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

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Re: Heartbroken

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 7:32 pm

Una+ wrote:I am not following the part about needing to wait. Wait for what exactly? Wait for him to violate your boundaries further? Wait for still more verbal abuse?

You don't need "proof" that he isn't a safe person for you, before you end the relationship. You get to decide for yourself that you want to end it. You don't need any reason.


It was about needing to wait for each part to be ready. He was entangled in every alter. Particularly Rose. Everyone has a soft spot for Rose so until we broke down all the other entanglements we couldn't garentee his exit would be permanent because someone would let him back in.

It wasn't about proof. A 5 min conversation said he's not safe to us, the twins. But that wouldn't convince the others. They don't trust us. We had to work out the individual holds on each alter that he had. Point them out. Work out how to undo his damage. Free each alter before we could tackle the more difficult problem of Rose "being in love" which we know is a chemical reaction in the brain. We filled her with her weight in chocolate in the last 4 days and slowly reducing the intake but she also had to express her upset.

When one person gets embroiled in a pathological person that's tough enough but 5 people and each for their own reasons. You don't just throw the guy out the door and tell everyone to get over it. We did try that but it wasn't that simple. He had angles, hooks. We had to pick out the hooks, replace them so he couldn't re-hook them and then pick our moment where everyone would realise at once "hey actually life is better without this guy around" Which was 2 days before Christmas. Christmas was great, relaxed, visited family, played games, went on a day out. From boxing day till today we've been letting Rose wallow because the children were with their dad.

What's written above started a couple of months ago. We think untangling 5 people from a narcissist possibly sociopath in a couple of months is pretty quick work actually. Show me a therapist who could do it that quick and we'll go see them instead.
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