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No one cares

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No one cares

Postby fireheart » Fri Dec 28, 2018 9:45 pm

One of the core beliefs of a part is that no one cares.
Not in an angry way, just in a matter-of-fact kind of way.

I'm struggling to see how this was/is protective?
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Re: No one cares

Postby BeccaBee » Fri Dec 28, 2018 10:01 pm

if your baseline is that no one cares. you have no expectations of them to behave kindly. with love, trust, compassion. none of that.

if you have no expectations then you can't get hurt or disappointed.

it's when you believe that people will do x, y, or z and then they DONT that you feel hurt. betrayed etc.

maybe?
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Re: No one cares

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Dec 28, 2018 10:12 pm

to solve these kind of things it might help to finish a sentence that goes something like "I 'know' it's not true, but if I pretended that ___________(insert opposite belief), that would...."

My best guess is that 'knowing' that nobody cares protects you from hope. And there was a time in your life where hope was always disappointed, resulting in very emotionally painful situations. It was less painful to believe that nobody cared than to deal with other options. Including that maybe someone cared but didn't do anything or was not strong enough to do anything. Sometimes it can be less helpless to believe that people don't care than to realize that they too were helpless or imperfect... or whatever is true in your situation.

following the feelings and images that come up in the "what if" exercise can give you hints. just be careful, it tends to open up a black hole of trauma despair. because this belief is truly protective and still keeping some difficult feelings hidden from you.
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Re: No one cares

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Dec 28, 2018 11:04 pm

Yeah--what they said. :D

Some of the core beliefs of certain parts of us:

1) I'm ugly (if I believe this, then I'm protected from any insults about my appearance--I think I'm worse-looking than you will ever think. If someone thinks I look good, then they must not be very discriminating, or I remember that "love is blind." ).

2) I'm worthless (justifies why no one cared about my feelings as a child--they weren't worth caring about. People who care NOW about my feelings are misguided and silly, but I'll humor them because it makes THEM feel better).

3) I'm bad (so I didn't deserve to be loved as a child anyway--easier than thinking that I DID deserve it but missed out on all that because other people weren't capable of giving me what I should have gotten. People who think I'm good NOW just don't know me well enough to make the correct judgement. Or if they do know me well, then love is blind (see above), so they just don't see all the badness).

Those are the ones about me/us. Then there are the ones about others. I can't think of them right now because we're feeling optimistic about other people right now.
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Re: No one cares

Postby MakersDozn » Fri Dec 28, 2018 11:26 pm

We resemble this thread. :?

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Re: No one cares

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Dec 29, 2018 1:15 am

People care.

Some people care deeply. Some less so. And yes some people don't care at all.

People can only give or show love and care depending on their own limitations.

I show or give level of care based on my role or capabilities or how the person is.

I've been involved in a relationship and realised the other person is a manipulative narcissist. I've had to cut any love, care or compassion from that relationship.

If he conforms to type he will not go away easily. He may do spiteful things. Try to destroy anything he thinks I hold dear to me. He definitely doesn't care.

On the flip side I had an issue with my gas supplier. All different people lent me electric heaters. Said I could use their baths or showers (but I'm heating the water electricall so is ok). So people some people do care.

It's only in reaching out we find out who cares. It's a frightening thing to do but the worst any can say is no.

I used to be manipulative to get my needs met and not respect the boundaries of others. I was frightened to just ask and didn't like "no" because of the deep belief that no one cares.

It is only in learning to reach out and learning to respect boundaries I have realised people do care. They help if they can and if they want to and that's great. Manipulating people feels horrible. Living feeling no one cares is horrible. It feels so much nicer taking a leap of faith that perhaps people do care.

I still don't want that care over my DID. I see it as my problem. I don't think people won't care or that they'll use it against me. I've had that with this recent narcissist and I've handled it so far so that's not a fear. My fear is people caring and noticing more will make me feel different and odd and I like to feel "normal" as possible.

People do care. It's the reaching out and straight asking that can be difficult until you get used to it.
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Re: No one cares

Postby TheCollective » Sat Dec 29, 2018 6:30 am

Thank you for this thread. Such a difficult issue.
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Re: No one cares

Postby KawaiiKitty » Sat Dec 29, 2018 12:10 pm

If you don't think anyone cares about you you don't bother to care about anyone. Only people I care about is the system.

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Re: No one cares

Postby fireheart » Sat Dec 29, 2018 5:42 pm

Thank you for the responses.

I never really thought about the expectations/hope thing. I'm getting some hints that maybe it's tied to a belief that if they cared, they would've done something. Probably helped me, somehow.

So maybe it's a manifestation of that constant disappointment - I mean, sure lots of people helped me in small and big ways... but no one chose to save me. I guess that would've meant: changing my parents or taking me away from them. I think that would have been: stopping the abuse/trauma.
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