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Postby Floralie » Wed Dec 26, 2018 4:52 pm

With medication that keeps away the anxiety, I don't dissociate as much, nearly as much as I do without it. By dissociating I mean disappearing myself and sinking in the inner things and parts and all that.

At summer I spent a weekend going abroad, it was for 2 whole days and one night. I didn't think about parts at all. It was the first time for me I could stay present in here feeling good for so long, and the fact I stayed as me and had no clue what others were doing was totally new thing. I was very surprised then, because earlier, before medication, spending continuous time with someone like that would have meant one or more parts doing the same trip we did, but in inner world, and I would have been aware of it at the same time as I need to stay present here, which is hard. With meds, it was just me, others didn't do the same thing inside, or if they did, I wasn't aware.

I then told it to my T, and she said it's not only a good thing (like it felt to me to be able to be just in real world, not just partly), because building relationships and getting to know parts is so important, so it's not a good idea "just leave them" like that.

My medication was 2 pills when I started it, and the max is 4 a day. The whole summertime I took 2, but when winter came and I knew it's gonna be much rougher times and sleeping issues is the last thing I need, I have now taken 4 every day. The plan is to take 2 again when spring starts. I told to my T that now that I take it the max amount, I spent much lesser time dissociating and stay present, which to me kind of proofs, that inner world is an escape place to go, and I am less there when I'm less anxious, because taking 4 pills keeps me away from there. But I miss it, I try to find my way backin there and am thinking about taking less pills, just because I LIKE to dissociate like that. T said the goal is to be able to stay in here without a need to escape, which means, as I understand it, that it is a good thing I don't have as much connection to inner world.

That is the big change that has happened after starting meds. Before I was thinking parts and inner things constantly. All the time, except for work. Spending time with people was hard, because I needed to be in multiple places at the same time. Now I don't get in to se what happens inside nearly at all, but instead I notice them coming here sometimes, which I wasn't aware before. Now I am like totally not getting which way is really better and what is good and what is bad. What makes me healthier and what makes me worse.

I feel I'm in a way wasting therapy time, which is very limited, if I take pills that don't cure me, but reduce symptoms? I understand I need to be able to take care of normal life, and if I can't without any meds, I do need to take them, but maybe it would be enough to take them wintertime.

edit. And I'm pretty confused about Ts reactions, because first she said we need to stay connected to other parts, and then that the goal is to stay here, and now I'm not sure which way it is.
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Re: Medication

Postby Sarandipity » Thu Dec 27, 2018 2:04 am

I think she's saying it's good you was present and enjoyed your holiday but it's not a long term solution to take extra meds. But ask her to clarify.
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