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Losing connection with parts when around people

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Losing connection with parts when around people

Postby Floralie » Wed Dec 26, 2018 4:50 pm

There's a limited amount of letters yo can use to describe the subject or threads name so to speak, so the full thing would be Losing connection with parts (or is it to parts? I don't know..) when around people for longer period of time.

I know some of you are married or live with SO or roommate or something else, so maybe there's no one in same kind of situation I am in.. or maybe this could be for married people when they are surrounded by other than their closest ones. However I spent a lot of time on my own, and building connection with my other parts is new thing, it's new to try to listen inside and stay open to them and try to communicate when possible. I've realized a lot of symptoms I didn't know I have before, when I didn't pay attention to it. So, when I am, we are, at home, it's clear the others are real and they are there. But mostly parts I know are connected to home me, and they don't show themselves to other people, only way they are to be seen to others is all the passive influence.

And the same fact is true every wintertime: I don't wanna go out really and get tired easily. This winter is not nearly as bad as some years have been, but like I told, we started panicing about Xmas for example very early this year, maybe in October? It felt overwhelming, and day before Xmas this year I was thinking canceling Xmas in my sisters place next year, so we don't have to worry about it. I really didn't want to go. Like I told elsewhere there was lot of things going on, because I had been busy, Fourteen was in need of help, some teenager wanted to be hospitalized to get help and Sami hates Xmas and I was overwhelmed and I now I need to just push them all away to be able to be with people.

It's usually the same thing every year, it's really difficult to leave the house and turn to be the one who does the actual Xmas spending, (or does anything really) which is work&relationships -part. But when I really was in my sisters place surrounded by people, I felt really good and thought how awful it would be right now, compared to where was I, to be home alone instead. Work&relationship -me does her job well and likes it, she feels good. I do feel a bit alien, when someone asks if I like something or not for example, and I don't, but some other of us do, and it's hard to know how to answer, you know, normal DID problems, because they all don't know, and I can't say the truth, so it's complicated. But other than feeling alien like always, the overall feeling is really good. But I (or the w&r-me who I turn to be) feel really good and happy and think it's way better for us or me, to go outside and to normal things and feel good, than to go home and get stuck.

When I went to my sister place we ate breakfast first, did one short Xmas tradition and left to church. In church I don't have to be social with people, because everyone is sitting quiet, so there I got the last views of inner things. I got one very random thought about Sami and Lucas, they were doing something with soap, but the bottle was not working, and when it finally worked by pushing really hard, soap squirted on Lucas and they were finding it funny. Then I'm back at the church. The ceremony is very short, all songs are the kind many kids know and it is called family-xmass, so the church thing is different than it normally would be. They have a little play for kids to see every year, just a little thing about Maria and Josef and Jesus be born, and all kids who want to, can be angels or shepherds in the play (they don't have to do anything else than stand), and because church is built the way you can see the play from all directions, priest said that all kids who want to come closer to look, can come and sit next to altar to see better. Fourteen's little reacted inside me, he would've wanted to go and see the play, but I needed to explain why he can't. (This was only year when we were sitting where we couldn't see the play, so it was bit sad, because he was there for first time wanting to see it but didn't.) But after that: nothing. No connection to parts what so ever.

This happen every time I become work-me. She doesn't have connection to parts. And because for the rest of the day and the next day we were surrounded by people, there were no signs of others what so ever. Same thing happened at fall when I was four days with my mom, after that much time I had already started to feeling it's all just imagination. So I totally lose contact.

When I am with people, but can be some time on my own also, I feel that is the way I would get better. I just need to start to live, and stop spending time home alone with my crazy head. But when I am at home, I feel the right way is to try to stay connected with others, and think what WE want. If I would have spent Xmas home alone, I wouldn't have needed to be so stressed out, and I didn't want to leave the house, so if I would have stayed home, I would have felt good and right and been happy about it, and been thinking it was the right choice. But when I made myself to go, although I didn't want to, I felt good and right and happy about it too, and felt it was the right choice. This always happens when I need to spend time with people, I get stressed about it, but when I do it, it's not bad at all.

The result is, I don't have a clue which one is the right approach. Do I sink in too deep to find myself out again without forcing me, if I stay in? But losing connection to others is not a long term solution either, I do get that. At least I get that now, that I am at home again.
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Re: Losing connection with parts when around people

Postby VioletFlux » Thu Dec 27, 2018 2:45 pm

Hey Floralie,

So we kinda get some of this, some times? It's mostly depending on who the people are.

Like, family? The mother especially? V2 usually has to deal with her alone. I don't much like her, the littles are afraid of her, so we all just kinda hide. And the old woman has an effect on V2 too, like she can kinda get more pliable or obedient or whatever. I dunno. The mother affects us all.

With work stuff, we normally work alone / at home, but sometimes we have to be face to face with a customer and then usually whoever is fronting is alone. And usually that's V2. That's more to keep things safe, we're not 'out' as being multiple with work stuff so it's important not to distract whoever's fronting so they don't accidentally act funny.

Sometimes it's not good though, like V2 isn't as good with computers and if they ask her a technical question I'm not there to help answer it so she has to bluff or be like, "I'll have to check on that and get back to you." or that sort of thing.

And with some doctors / dentists / medical stuff. Nobody likes that, so it's usually V2 who's alone for those sorts of things. We all hide. The only exception is our T, most of us know the T is safe. At least, there's not going to be any needles or crap like that lol.

So yeah, it's not as much about being around people in general, but some specific people or specific situations, that the one fronting ends up doing it alone.

I don't know if there's one right way or wrong way or right path or whatever. We all just adapt to situations as they change, right? I think it's good to stay connected to the other parts, but there's times when it's not appropriate or when it could be risky. Then it's better for the others to be quiet or keep out of sight.

Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie (6m); Claire (0f); Ewan (4m); Janet (4f); L---- (∞f); Melissa (7f);
Mike (35m); Rebecca (∞f); S2 (32f); V1 (22f);
Body: 49f; Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar. - Journey Thread - Our System
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Re: Losing connection with parts when around people

Postby SOHank » Thu Dec 27, 2018 7:37 pm

I can relate to not wanting to go out and do things. I like being at home, regular days, and hikes in the woods. Get together and crowds are not my thing.

Yet, a little of each is probably the healthiest. I think it is healthy to have interactions with others as much as it is to have some time alone. Like food though, everything in moderation. :wink:

What I see in SF is certain insiders are rambunctious "let's go do things" types and others are more cautious. When SF and I do try something new, many of the cautious ones hide, but we try to let them know it's okay and share the experience if we can. (Taste this food it's great! Look at the view!) When they get a little part whatever it is, next time it's not a scary and they are more willing. The flip side seems to be true as well with the adventurous ones finding things they like when at home.
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Re: Losing connection with parts when around people

Postby Exploring » Fri Dec 28, 2018 12:17 am

I can really relate to this. Things seem to fade once I'm around people. And even if they didn't - most of what I'm looking at, like feeling different, feeling moved to do things I have no desire to do or a chopped sense of time, are more felt than they are seen from the outside, meaning that there's no way to verify my experiences or have someone else provide input. It really does make me feel like I just need to "stop spending time home alone with my crazy head", as you say.

I agree with Hank that finding a balance is probably desirable. I also think not feeling up to something and then enjoying it once you get started isn't a thing that is specific to people with DID. Sometimes it's difficult to figure out what you want to do or anticipate how you're going to feel about something and sometimes it needs a little push to get going. But I do see how losing touch with your parts might add to it by making it feel like you have to choose between being yourself, learning about yourself and feeling connected with your parts on the one hand and engaging with people on the other. Or that's what I feel like anyway. It also doesn't make me feel any more motivated to go out if it feels like it will inadvertently invalidate those other experiences I have.

Like you, I feel somewhat alien around people. I am able to slowly feel comfortable around people. However, it usually takes a low-stress, low-demand, comfortable setting and a lot of time. For me, spending time with someone at home where there's routine, an environment I have control over and the possibility to withdraw if I need to, simply doing nothing, is the kind of setting I'm most likely to learn to trust someone (if I can ease up enough to let them into my personal space at all). There have been (few) situations when things didn't fade into the background while I was around people, but those were people I already trust and feel comfortable with. In most situations I don't feel that way though. Engaging with people outside those circumstances feels stressful and unsafe. I'm too busy taking in all the information around me, scanning for threats and then using whatever energy is left to do the task at-hand or hold down a conversation. I think that if I were in a (mental or physical) place where I'd feel safe, maybe things wouldn't fade away. Maybe they wouldn't need to. Being outside, most of the time I couldn't afford to have anyone show themselves to me. I'm busy keeping it together. Or I'm already doing fine and don't need any extra help.

So I think when it comes to staying in touch with parts as well as outside people, mending the two options might be worth a try. What about being at home makes it easier to connect with your parts? Maybe you can recreate it.
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Re: Losing connection with parts when around people

Postby Sarandipity » Fri Dec 28, 2018 1:28 pm

I find it ok if parts fade out or only one person wants to deal with the situation, outside person or place. That's ok, that's basically what I call normal.

What I have a problem with is when an individual outside person due to their erratic behaviour causes switching especially if it's very fast switching between different alters. This causes alot of confusion and upset. This is a person to avoid. It leaves a long term upset that means we can't formulate in our usual time sharing capacity because the individual outside person has effectively dropped a massive stone in the water so instead of natural flow we have to deal with ripples too.
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