Our partner

Something weird?

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Violarules

Something weird?

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Dec 26, 2018 2:32 pm

May not be weird to any of you guys but it's weird to us.

When we were repeatedly misdiagnosed we learnt everything about all of those disorders. We know them inside and out. We know the insides out of most mental health conditions because we researched them. We knew we didn't have the labels they were pinning on us and even said to the psychiatrist "can't I just be neurotic because that sounds like the best one to have" He just laughed and said "no you're not neurotic"

But we don't read about DID. We don't learn about it. We don't want to. We check ourselves online occasionally against the Dissociative Scale to make sure we're stay inside what we consider acceptable for us but other than that we have no intellectual interest in reading about theories on DID or what causes it, we know what caused it for us, we don't care about how to fix it or what treatment would be good. We had therapies and Art therapies but we don't trust anyone to go "messing around in our brain" directly talking about DID. We had indirect discussions, no label mentioned, with our psychotherapist, talked about being "different" sometimes. She was a really good psychotherapist. She promised to not even write her thoughts on what is wrong with us on our notes. We don't believe her and we don't want to see our notes but still was nice of her to say that.

I read here about people reading about DID and books and stuff and I wonder if it's actually helpful? My main worry is that it makes people worse. People seem to go to therapy with 5 alters and come out with loads more. Which reminds me I need to make sure I don't have any other alters because Jane popping up has made me a little concerned. Or they end up with other problems so I don't see it as a safe viable option for my psyche. Some guy (I noted psychiatrist apparently who was inspecting a hospital I was in) when I was 19 wanted to take me to his hospital because he said if I stayed there they'd diagnose me with schizophrenia, he was right lol, but we didn't trust him because he seemed to fascinated. We only demand Ed to talk to him because we'd been there weeks and not seen a doctor. He agreed to chat with us in the garden much to the nurses annoyance. Partially we just wanted to get out to see the sky and we didn't expect him to say "come with me" He even had a meeting with my parents but said it was ultimately up to me, he seemed to paley with them but underlyingly distrustful of them which made us more suspicious. Sometimes I wonder what'd happen if I did trust that guy but my gut says he would of made us worse - either loads of alters or a whole person and both of those seem terrible to us.

I was just thinking I'm a bit weird to research all the stuff they said I have without looking into what I actually have. I disputed, argued all their incorrect diagnosis away and I've been med free and psychiatrist free for years. I kind of moved through their system without them having the ability to either make me into their labelled drugged people or for them to "cure me" and pat themselves on the back. Even the sociopath doctor I had for a bit didn't manage it, he tried to have me trapped with him for 6months but I know the law and he failed on a technicality. The nurses didn't like him and he was destroying the patients. So I kicked his arse for 4 weeks and left. I still chuckle about this "God sociopathic psychiatrist" chasing me around the ward because he couldn't break me how I watched him break others. In the end I cut a deal with him. I took some of his least mind altering drugs for a limited time (just under what I takes to be addicted) and he let me go, he didn't have a choice, but I had to give him something because if I did ever end up back under his "care" he is one sadistic sob.

Maybe it's fear, it is fear. Fear of getting "better" for many different reasons. Why I don't read or research DID. I like to come here, I read stuff I relate to. I feel less "abnormal" but actually looking into the disorder and working myself better by whatever it takes I shy away from.

How much has it helped all of you to read and learn about DID?

-- Wed Dec 26, 2018 2:39 pm --

I forgot to say it's weird because I usually love learning for the sake of learning. I learn all sorts of stuff but not about DID. It's very weird for me as a "whole" person. Usually by now one of my parts would of researched the @r#e out of this and know all the terms and how it all works. Know the process to "fix it" but I've read basically nothing about it and that's very odd.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 452
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 1:15 am
Blog: View Blog (2)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Something weird?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Dec 26, 2018 4:53 pm

Sarandipity wrote:I read here about people reading about DID and books and stuff and I wonder if it's actually helpful? My main worry is that it makes people worse. People seem to go to therapy with 5 alters and come out with loads more. Which reminds me I need to make sure I don't have any other alters because Jane popping up has made me a little concerned.


People often discover more alters in therapy because they start to feel safe enough and brave enough to acknowledge them and start to communicate with them. Therapy doesn't cause new parts (unless you have a really bad therapist who re-traumatizes you). Good and effective therapy HELPS you learn more about who you all are.

Sarandipity wrote:Maybe it's fear, it is fear. Fear of getting "better" for many different reasons. Why I don't read or research DID. I like to come here, I read stuff I relate to. I feel less "abnormal" but actually looking into the disorder and working myself better by whatever it takes I shy away from.

How much has it helped all of you to read and learn about DID?

-- Wed Dec 26, 2018 2:39 pm --

I forgot to say it's weird because I usually love learning for the sake of learning. I learn all sorts of stuff but not about DID. It's very weird for me as a "whole" person. Usually by now one of my parts would of researched the @r#e out of this and know all the terms and how it all works. Know the process to "fix it" but I've read basically nothing about it and that's very odd.


DID is all about avoidance, so it's not weird at all! Some people avoid by not reading ANYTHING about it, and some people avoid by reading ALL about it and intellectualizing about it as an observer, as if it doesn't actually have to do with them and all those pesky feelings and scary memories (this is what WE do now, at times, although before the diagnosis, I spent many years NOT reading anything about dissociation or knowing anything about the progress in the field since the late 90s).

But reading about it DOES help if I take the time (and have the courage) to apply it to ourselves. I found The Haunted Self to be the most helpful and reassuring, although it is a somewhat difficult read.
TheGangsAllHere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2269
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 4:15 am
Local time: Sat Mar 23, 2019 6:15 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Something weird?

Postby Sarandipity » Thu Dec 27, 2018 1:54 am

TheGangsAllHere wrote:
Sarandipity wrote:I read here about people reading about DID and books and stuff and I wonder if it's actually helpful? My main worry is that it makes people worse. People seem to go to therapy with 5 alters and come out with loads more. Which reminds me I need to make sure I don't have any other alters because Jane popping up has made me a little concerned.




People often discover more alters in therapy because they start to feel safe enough and brave enough to acknowledge them and start to communicate with them. Therapy doesn't cause new parts (unless you have a really bad therapist who re-traumatizes you). Good and effective therapy HELPS you learn more about who you all are.

Sarandipity wrote:Maybe it's fear, it is fear. Fear of getting "better" for many different reasons. Why I don't read or research DID. I like to come here, I read stuff I relate to. I feel less "abnormal" but actually looking into the disorder and working myself better by whatever it takes I shy away from.

How much has it helped all of you to read and learn about DID?

-- Wed Dec 26, 2018 2:39 pm --

I forgot to say it's weird because I usually love learning for the sake of learning. I learn all sorts of stuff but not about DID. It's very weird for me as a "whole" person. Usually by now one of my parts would of researched the @r#e out of this and know all the terms and how it all works. Know the process to "fix it" but I've read basically nothing about it and that's very odd.


DID is all about avoidance, so it's not weird at all! Some people avoid by not reading ANYTHING about it, and some people avoid by reading ALL about it and intellectualizing about it as an observer, as if it doesn't actually have to do with them and all those pesky feelings and scary memories (this is what WE do now, at times, although before the diagnosis, I spent many years NOT reading anything about dissociation or knowing anything about the progress in the field since the late 90s).

But reading about it DOES help if I take the time (and have the courage) to apply it to ourselves. I found The Haunted Self to be the most helpful and reassuring, although it is a somewhat difficult read.


Thank you.

Yes i can see that feeling comfortable to talk would lead to more alters popping up as a natural course with a safe good therapist. Probably I don't like the idea of that too so I tell myself it's better to not let them mess around in my brain.

With the reading I could easily go to the extreme of completly intellectualising it - which actually makes me feel more comfortable with the idea although if I do go down the reading and research route the aim will be to avoid doing that but it feels kind of safer to think "if I don't like it I can intellectualise it" The book you suggested sounds reasonable just going by the title. Sometimes I feel like I'm haunted and one of my art therapy pieces was of a central face surrounded by ghosts. I just used to paint or make stuff, I didn't think about it, but the title of this book suggests to me that it could be reasonably accurate. I'll aim to read it but not sure when.

Thank you for pointing out the upsides and you have reassured me a little about this which is a small step that I have not took before so thank you.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 452
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 1:15 am
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Something weird?

Postby Windsoar » Thu Dec 27, 2018 3:14 am

We're the same way! For us it's not avoidance. Realized all those books are written by people who don't understand DID. Their books are trying to explain from the viewpoint of a "normal". We understand cuz we are one. Like listening to a bunch of engineers explain political science to each other! My T realizes no matter how much he studies, works with DID clients, there is a level of understanding he will never get. Same with us on what normal is or feels like. Our T went to ER with a serious problem. Luckily his wife took written notes of what the doctor said. Some of ours became very concerned he didn't have an internal one that could take notes! We do, we have. Our body is female. During an illness a male one was working with Docs taking all kinds of blood tests, hormone levels, etc. When one set of tests came back, the doc slammed down the paperwork & said the lab had made an error. We had to redo them. The results were *obviously* done on a male. My T laughed & said yup, that happens. He doesn't understand how. Being normal it's beyond his ability. I don't need books to tell me it's impossible! Or normals who say DID doesn't exist. But research will help me understand specifics & principles of cooperation etc. Best of all input from other DIDs even tho no two systems are exactly alike.
User avatar
Windsoar
Consumer 4
Consumer 4
 
Posts: 97
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2018 2:07 am
Local time: Sat Mar 23, 2019 6:15 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Something weird?

Postby Floralie » Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:42 am

Windsoar wrote: Realized all those books are written by people who don't understand DID. Their books are trying to explain from the viewpoint of a "normal". We understand cuz we are one.


That's not how it always is. My T's consulting psychiatrist is specialized treating trauma, has published literature and is a trauma survivor. But I do get what you mean, that is how it is with a lot of things. But it just means there needs to be active people with DID who also have a formal training to tell what is it about. But people with DID don't know what is it about just like that either. We have a condition, which job is to hide itself. When someone is diagnosed with DID, it in a way means, their DID has failed to do what it was suppose to do. I believe most people with DID never get to know it.

We learn to understand ourselves because of those theories. AND we have the knowledge how it really feels like. Same thing with a lot of things. There needs to be people with autism to teach neuro typical people how to help a person with autism. But they may not be able to tell it, until someone helps them to find a way to communicate in the first place.

There are plenty of dissociative experiences, people who don't experience those things, don't understand. For us it's understandable what it feels like if someone says there is like a ball in my head and then I slide back. Even if we have never experienced feeling just like it, we can imagine what it means. People without dissociation really don't understand, it sounds like nonsense in general. But I believe normal people can relate to a lot of things they don't have, too. I do, why wouldn't they. There are so much things I haven't done but I still know how they are or feel and I can relate. Of course you can claim I can't, if I only experience it in my own mind and not in outer world, but the fact still is I have had those feelings. Or some of us have had them, and I have felt them too and know how it is like.

In the end it doesn't even matter if they get it or not. If they can heal us, it's all we need from them, and that's it. They are not here to become our life partners, but to heal and help, and that's it. Some of it we can do by ourselves by understanding the reasons why we do and feel things the way we do, after reading theories. But we can't provide healthy and safe attachment to ourselves. We need healthy people for that. It doesn't matter if they have needed to learn that in adulthood too or if they have had it from the start. We can have our peer support from different place. I do think it is a genius and very respectful idea for a T to come to forum like this to ask for consultation on DID case. On the other hand, if we can just heal ourselves and each other, why doesn't it happen here all the time? Why does it take those years in therapy?

For me understanding structures and denial and theories has been really helpful, as have reading support forums and now joining in one. Because of it I got to know what is wrong with me, I created an identity who can feel feelings and take care of things the way it became possible to get therapy. There was a lot of work that needed to be done to get it, and without getting better with new understanding, I couldn't have made it. I needed to get better, in order to get help. But I feel this is how far I can work me myself, by myself. It's because I do intellectualize and theorize too easily, and I need a T to keep me feeling feelings, because my problem (personally mine as a part) has never been PTSD or flash backs or overwhelming feelings. I knew how to put them away before I started school. My problem is not to feel, and I've put so many feelings away just because I can. I know now not to do it anymore, and I know I need help probably when I start to feel. Or actually first I need to learn how to need support from someone and learn how to take it.

I can have therapy only for 3 years and if I wouldn't know anything about anything, but T would need to tell me everything from the start, we wouldn't be able to accomplish much in that time. In reality I have done a lot of work before starting therapy and I know the basics how to be in therapy, like that you need to tell everything you feel, and not keep it in, like I would do naturally. I'm able to learn a lot faster when I learn by myself than when someone is trying to teach me. So I try to learn things I can from theory by myself and use T time for feelings. I do need to understand also theories about what are we talking about, because that is my way of processing, but I chose a T who is not so keen on theories on purpose. Having theoretical feels easier and more like myself. But if that would take me far enough, I would be there already. I need from T all the things I don't have.

I think both things has their places, but that is how it is with me. I want to learn and know things, and this is first time I'm learning something that actually is about me, not about some other part only. But to be honest, I have not been in mood for reading lately at all. I've had several books from library, but I barely looked at them. Now I got Haunted self as Xmas present, because I do want to read it, but it takes time and library doesn't have many copies of it, so I couldn't keep it long enough, and then I would have needed to wait another 4 months to get it again, and probably forgot already what was there in the beginning.

DID wants to hide itself. So if you feel like you don't want to know about it, it can also be a part "protecting" you the way they know, or some other symptom. Just part of denial.
User avatar
Floralie
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 433
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 3:15 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Something weird?

Postby Sarandipity » Thu Dec 27, 2018 11:37 am

Thanks guys. At somepoint I will read some books or something on this. At the moment I'm working through trying to live with "the twins" awake which is new and annoying because they're "crazy" they prefer the term crazy so sorry if it offends anyone else. I think they just like to make us be politically incorrect because we don't like to be offensive.

Anyway, once I've got used to living with "the twins" and they're a bit more settled being with us, I don't know how long that'll take but we're making steady progress, then I will look into the haunted book.

It feels like there's so much to do and so little time since they're awake. Which is because probably usually they get shut down real quick due to them being the reason we get hospitalised. But we're forcing reality on them slowly, they don't like it, and aiming towards keeping them around and giving them a positive outlet like writing down their delusions as stories because their delusions would make good stories. But they're going to have to be tightly monitored because otherwise they'll have us awake for days at a time writing and not let us eat properly and then we will be ill.

So I will read about DID. We have come to a collective decision that we'll try it. If we don't like it or we think what they're saying is nonsense then we'll stop, simple.

So thanks for your inputs and this book you're talking about seems to be considered a reasonable place to start going by two recommendations here which is enough for us to give it a go. We'd trust your recommendations more than if doctors told us it so we'll go with it. At somepoint, because there is alot to do and so little time - apparently. I don't think they're liking the idea of hanging around in the real world but I think it's working out ok since we got past the delusional bits.
[/coloru]Sarandipity
[color=#BF40FF]Beth
KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose
No-one
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 452
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 1:15 am
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Something weird?

Postby Floralie » Thu Dec 27, 2018 1:21 pm

To me reading is also about feeling normal. It's little details. One sentence about dynamics of the parts and I see "Hey, that is just like I am/we are." And for a moment I feel I am normal, part of something, and I can find myself in the book. It's in the small details now, that I already know the basics of the theory.

Read when you have time and interest. Haunted self is a big book, there's lot of info in it. You need to be able to concentrate when reading. But it has it all, to the detail. So if you are that type of a person who wants to know things usually inside and out, that is good one for you, I believe. I'm that kind of myself too.
User avatar
Floralie
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 433
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Sun Mar 24, 2019 3:15 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: birdsong87, LadySlippers, Muninn, WeAreOne420 and 84 guests